January 10, 2025 – What do I really want to accomplish?
Does this sound like a “new year’s resolution” blog post? It has that potential of being one. I have just finished my first week of teaching for the Winter 2025 term and making a conscious effort to get back to familiar routines like writing a weekly reflection in my blog. I just realized from an an email received earlier this week that folks may use this WordPress site to introduce me to others. Of course, I should know that and possibly expect that. But over time, this website has seen some ebbs and tides over time since it’s original conception over 10-years ago when I was using it as a vehicle to promote my edu-consulting business. I have since stepped away from self-employment and have slowly but surely stepped back into teaching and learning more about academia. This website has also followed me into the pandemic and through many life changes that I needed some platform to help me to sense-make though the challenging times, but also the joyful ones. This blog has served me well.
For those who may follow me on Twitter/X, Facebook, or Instagram, I am a bit of a foodie and food-pic fanatic. A part of that LOVE is the joy I seek from a hotel-breakfast, or breakfast in general. Look at it’s simplicity and deliciousness to start off the day. There is nothing I like more than eggs and toast (see image above) complemented with a hot cup of coffee, a glass of water, and a piece of fruit. This image is taken from my new home on my new “fancy” table (it was a splurge). I just love how simple this meal can be and yet it accomplishes everything I want it to achieve. Even the image itself makes me happy. This image serves as a metaphor for 2025. I can see on my landing page for this website that I did not publish anything in 2024, yet I had so many things on the go that had the potential for writing, I was in the middle of writing, or I finished writing and it will not get published until 2025. Guess what? That’s OK, because that’s how 2024 unfolded for me. In 2024, I went to many conferences to present, which brought me a lot of joy, fun, and happiness.
So, what will 2025 bring?
I want to focus on the plate of food. There’s not too much on the plate, but enough on the plate to walk away from the meal feeling satisfied. I know that I will start the year with a publication, a chapter in a book on teacher leadership. This prospect is very exciting and that was a challenge I took on in the fall of 2023, almost burned out in January 2024, but saw through the task by the end of 2024. I learned a tonne from the experience, intended and not intended. I have a book review to complete, a manuscript to revise, two other manuscripts to find a journal to review them, another manuscript to finish writing, two conference proceedings, and a chapter proposal on the horizon. Even describing what I have just listed, it might be 3 different meals (i.e., winter, summer, and fall terms). Nonetheless, there is plenty to do in addition to several research teams I am a part of. There are other publications we are completing and again, many more on the horizon. I feel good about where I am. More is to come.
Avoiding the worm hole means… don’t get caught into things that take you away from this meal. Stay focused. Be content. Do what you love. One thing I do want to do is to pursue the “20 days” research project that is an auto-ethnography on my ethnic identity and how I perceive the world through the lens of being “child number three.” Part of this study is about learning more about my ethnic heritage as a Chinese-Canadian, the role of policy that impacted how I was raised and educated, and how I navigated through my personal and professional life. This study was inspired by my mom. She passed away in 2017 and I spent her last 20-days taking care of her along with other family members. I wanted to write this when she had first passed away, but I was not ready. I had to do so much work on myself such that I needed to see things the way they are before I could even make a commentary of what is (or was). Even when I write this final paragraph, I am self-assessing how I feel, and I feel READY.
Let’s do this!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 10th, 2025 | No Comments »
A patio pic taken from my apartment of 6-years taken on January 1, 2024.
I start off this blog post with the first picture I took in 2024. It’s a #patiopic from my apartment. I lived in this apartment for 6-years. Two of those years are blurred due to the pandemic. I lived in my house that I owned in Sechelt while I was teaching remotely and my kid was finishing Grade 12. And a few years was living with my kid in this one-bedroom apartment and my bedroom and office was situated in the dining room. Yes, I lived in the dining room with no door for more than 3-years. But this living arrangement was worth it to make it possible for me and the kid to live together. She had a transition year and picked up a couple courses to then enter into the nursing program at CNC and UNBC. I am so proud of her and she is half-way through her third year. In 2024, we have transitioned from surviving to thriving.
So much has happened in 2024. I am so HAPPY… my #OneWord2024. This year, I was focused on a SLOW mentality that embraced wellness, joy, and sustainability. The mantra is, do what you can do, one step at a time, and it’s ok that not everything gets done. SLEEP is a good thing. LOL. It’s true. For years… meaning decades… I would often forgo my well-being to get work done. There was no joy or self-compassion. My thinking had to change. In doing so, my sense of self and value for self needed to rise. My one-word HAPPY helped me to refocus, self-assess, and reflect on what’s important to me and what makes me happy. It’s as simple as that. I finally understood my agency. I joined research committees I want to be a part of, I volunteer for committees I want to contribute to, and I do what I want to do. That’s it. Who knew?
This year, I supported a few teacher candidates in their inquiries and presentation at three conferences. We are aiming for a fourth conference and hope to publish. I joined two research committees and on one of them, I am the Principal Investigator (supported by my more experienced peers). I also finished writing a chapter for a book on behalf of another research team who also supported me in that work. I also had my first term without teaching courses so that I could focus on my writing and my first year not supporting practicum. I am so happy to have this time to focus on research (and learning a tonne) while keeping a teaching role in my position. I loved working with the outgoing teacher candidates and learning lots from the incoming teacher candidates. I am honing my teaching practice and presenting lots. Yay me!!
I’m not sure if this is a year in review, meaning, being very specific with events, but I have go mention that I loved working with the teacher candidates this year, outgoing and incoming, I purchased a new home, and I got my gall bladder removed. Mentioning these three things indicate the love I have for teaching and learning, that I value myself to live in a home that I love and not feel dependent on other events to happen first before prioritizing my needs and wants, and my health matters. My health has been unravelling during this decade of my life, but I am so grateful that I could have the medical care and service to get day surgery and be fully recovered in less than a month. I never felt better… physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Although I’m not curling this season due to health reasons, I feel like 2025 has a lot more to offer. I’m back to weekly blogging and loving where I am. Thank you 2024.
One of the last photos I took today, December 29, 2024, looking at the patio of my new place.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 29th, 2024 | No Comments »
I hate the idea of having to blog every two weeks. I guess it is what it is, and today I am making a re-commitment to a weekly blog post. I am reminded why I started blogging. It’s not just about developing a reflective practice, but it is also about practicing my writing skills. Admittedly, there has been a tonne of things happening and right now, I feel settled such that I can “spill the tea.” Mid-October, I put in an offer to purchase a townhouse. I am excited and learned a tonne over the last month.
My first lesson… follow your gut. There was just a day when I felt like I should look at places to live. I went to a few open houses (in townhouses, in particular) and kind of regretted not getting my finances in order so that I could put an offer into a place when I saw one I wanted and liked. The strata scene is not very big in Prince George. I was not sure if I wanted to live in a house and do all of the maintenance and condominiums are far and few between. I’ve lived in an apartment for six years not realizing that I would be in “this place” for this long. As it turns out, the commitment I wanted to make was “to place” and “to myself.” I wanted to settle and be in my home.
My second lesson… ask for help. The last time I purchased a house was 20-years ago. Can you believe that? My kid brought that to my attention TODAY, which alarmed me in some ways. She’s right. She was one-years old when I first moved into my first house. Now, my kid is 21. She’s got the math right. I’ve been looking online for quite some time for a place to live. I was so unsure if this was the next step I wanted to take, and if I did, what steps would I need to take? I ended up texting one of the real estate agents I met at one of the open houses. She responded promptly and has walked me through every step of the house-buying process. For this, I am so grateful. I had lots of questions and she’s been great. I feel that she has my best interests. I also want to give kudos to my banker from my former hometown, the home inspector, and all of those folks who helped me along the way. Thank you!!
My third lesson… when you know, you know. Making a decision and making a commitment has been challenging for me to say the least. Most times, my decisions have always been conditional. If this, then that… was the typical mantra. The truth is, that’s not how life works. Much like the first lesson, you’ve got to go with your gut. I spent a lot of my online searches and open houses looking for a place that would feel like home. I would find myself settling for “the next best” or something that was “cheaper.” These consolidations were things I typically adapt and live with but I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching in the last 5-years and I wanted to find a place that I loved. We looked at a half dozen places at my preferred site and the unit that I thought was maybe third or fourth on my list became first. The garage was a deal breaker for me, but the owners changed it from what was seen on the website. I called in my kid to see it this was a good place, and soon after I made an offer.
My fourth lesson… be patient and be present. The effort to remove the conditions to purchasing the townhouse was one that my relator walked me through (or at least talked me down from off the bridge) and my banker at my credit union really made things possible. Because it was 20-years ago since I last bought my house, the whole process was new to me. I followed the advice of my relator to get the home inspected. The home inspector was amazing, through, and supportive. And, every person (so far) that I talked on the phone to change things like home insurance, utilities, and movers have all been very helpful and professional. Now, I am in the middle of packing my stuff up. We are about 2/3 of the way through with a few weeks before we move. October 31st was the day when the sale was final and all conditions were met. Trick or treat? It was definitely a TREAT. Life is unravelling quickly and swiftly. We are moving at the end of the month. I can’t believe it. HOME… at last.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, November 11th, 2024 | Comments Off on When it Rains
All I can say is, I am super spoiled and feeling very lucky. I love how my kid decorated our place with balloons while I was out at a play. Admittedly, I was reluctant to post this image, but hey… that’s my age. I appreciated the effort and thoughtfulness. I have memories of my dad (many years ago) and our family going out for dinner to Galaxy Gardens in Prince Rupert. We were celebrating FREEDOM 55. I think my dad was retiring and turned 55. I’m actually not sure if he retired at 55 and he did go to China to work for a few years, but the whole idea of retiring at 55 is nowhere near my psyche. I’m just getting started. LOL. I mean that, with my career and personal life.
My kid treated with all of my favourite things. She gave me flowers, little HBD gifts, dinner out, an ice cream cake, and a pottery night. She went above and beyond. She got all of my favourite things and I love the birthday card too. I’m the “best mom and roommate.” What more can I ask for? The feelings are mutual. I feel super lucky to be with my kid as she develops into a young adult. I can’t believe she is 21-years old, but I feel that we have a very joyful and respectful relationship and mom/kid and university roommates. In many ways, I feel like we are growing up together. Our time together as roommates has been fun so far. I enjoy her company. Sometimes I just think 54 is just a number. I feel 54 and I don’t think I look 54. LOL. If anything, I approach life with a learner-mindset. It’s taken me some time to get here and I love it.
During my birthday week, I went to COME FROM AWAY. I had floor tickets and I loved my seat. Lots of space in front of me, a chatty person beside me, and the CN Centre transformed into a theatre. I could not have asked for anything more. I loved the play. It set the tone for my birthday month and I am so grateful that I was able to go. The experience reminded me about how much I love musical theatre. I have so much admiration and awe for the actors, the coordination, and the logistics to make that play enjoyable and real. I was taken away by this play and so grateful to learn more about what happened in Newfoundland on September 11, 2001. I can’t believe that 9/11 happened so long ago. I remember exactly where I was on that day. I was getting ready for work (teaching math at the high school) and I was watching the news. After the play, I went out for “drinks” with a former student. It was truly an amazing night.
What is this image? Me… and my free HBD drink from Starbucks and my favourite soup dumplings from Costco. This image summarizes how things are going for me. I love where I am. I love that I have the opportunity to do what I love to do. And, I am learning more about me, about others, and about life. It has been a incredible birthday and I feel more and more better about being me. I look forward to the upcoming year and what will come and what is meant to be. My heart and mind are open. Life is good and I can’t wait for more learning. YUS. I’m feeling very grateful.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, October 06th, 2024 | Comments Off on Happy Birthday Day to Me
My kid and I had oysters on Friday at Earls. It was a good way for us to end our week. She’s fully immersed back into school, and so am I. Eating raw oysters is a treat for us. It reminds us of going to Puerto Vallarta last winter and we found an awesome place downtown where we at a dozen oysters TWICE. We enjoyed the restaurant and the food too. Oysters at Earls in Prince George is a find for us and I was grateful to spend my Friday after work with her to relax, enjoy, and connect. I don’t seen her as much as I like to during the week. We are both super busy. What struck me with this FIRST oyster was the deliciousness of preparing it and slurping it. The tang of the lemon, the spiciness of the tobacco, the umami of the onion sauce and grated horseradish, and the sweetness of the oyster was SPECTACULAR. The experience instantly slowed me down to a place of gratitude and joy. Hello long weekend!! We had a great meal.
That pretty much ended my week and going into things like email do not even make my radar until right now (i.e., Sunday night). I have taken some intention to learn how to make Saturdays for me and “be a person” on that day. What that means is, I do laundry, I recycle, I go food shopping, I spend time with my kid, I sleep in, I go for a walk, and anything else that is “productive” but benefits me as a person. It feels great. I almost feel that my body, mind, and soul have full accustomed itself to this way of being that my body just responds accordingly… no work on Friday night, all day Saturday, and most of Sunday. This way of being has provided me with some clear boundaries with work and life. My mindset and wellbeing are generally good. Stress is managed. I will not lose sleep on things that I can’t get to. There is always tomorrow.
This Saturday, I spent the day committed to cleaning up the bathroom, purging crap I was no longer using, and going through my dresser for clothes that need to be given way. Since moving to Prince George, I was consumed by acquiring THINGS as a form of security and safety. I thought, at first, moving to Prince George would be temporary. Now that I’ve been here for 6-years, it’s time to make an effort to put a halt on the HOARDING process and critically look at what I have acquired, what I am holding on to, and what I need to let go of. This cleansing process is taken with some intentionality. I am secure. I am safe. Last week I went through one clothing rack to remove clothes I no longer wear and no longer like. That was one garbage bag that was donated to Value Village. This week, I went through my dresser and underneath my bed which resulted in two more garbage bags and another donation. Moreover, cleaning the washroom et al resulted in two more garbage bags of garbage. Yeesh.
The washroom looks (and smells) spectacular and the areas addressed in my apartment look similar but BETTER. My kid cleaned her room too. We did some laundry and had dinner at home on Sunday. That was super nice. The purging process is gradual and ongoing. I feel that by removing some things from my place that I am holding on to is an act of letting go. I’m not sure that it’s liberation, but I do feel like I’m freeing myself from the past and spending more intentional time in the present. It feels great!! There is more stuff to sort through and admittedly, I feel stiff and sore from the cleaning and purging process. I’m not sure why, but it’s very clear that it’s something that I do not normally do. What I want to keep are things that are important to me. My goal is to purge about one garbage bag per weekend. I’m a little ahead of schedule. LOL. The more that I get rid of, the more settled I feel. Yay me.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 29th, 2024 | Comments Off on Gratitude in the Little Things
I’m not really sure what I mean by this. There is no question that I am passionate about coffee and Costco soup dumplings. I would call this image “the breakfast for champions.” I would often eat this meal for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. If I don’t have a lot of time in the morning to make breakfast… soup dumplings. If I’m feeling down and sad… soup dumplings. If I’m feeling happy and excited… soup dumplings. I hope you can see a clear pattern here. I just love this quick and easy meal. It’s comforting, consistent, and delicious. That’s all I can say about it. It’s my go-to meal. I just love it.
What else do I love?
I love to teach. I may not be an award winning educator or chosen to be a guest speaker for graduation, I love what I do. I was so happy when I returned back to teaching at the university after leaving K-12 education. Although I spent some time professional development workshops and public speaking as a school trustee, nothing beats teaching students. I love the relationships, the reciprocity, and the joy that comes from teaching and learning. It’s hard to describe, but I love the creative process of planning, prepping, and assessment. Trying new things and making things better with each iteration motivate me. I love the learning that comes with teaching.
But I caught myself this week and noticed what “stokes my fire.” I love assessment. That might be somewhat of an understatement. I’m not an assessment researcher, nor am I one to claim numeric precision or accuracy with my assessment practices. What I will say is, assessment frames, drives, and reflects my pedagogy and values. If I could, I am an advocate for and fan of the single point rubric. I love the idea of having a clear learning target, explicit success criteria, and different ways for students to demonstrate their learning. I found myself just capitalizing a Zoom conversation about assessment in an upcoming keynote my friend/colleague and I are preparing for, and everything that I was teaching during one of my classes was framed around my assessment practice and intentions. I just love it. Assessment is important to me.
When I think about my research program, I am drawn to out-of-field teaching, professional learning, and one’s sense of self-efficacy in the context of teacher education, mathematics education, and climate change education. Where does assessment fit into all of this? Self-assessment and formative assessment are critical within these topics as well as identity, agency, and vulnerability. I suppose that I cannot oversimplify my interest in these areas even though I’m encouraged to articulate this agenda in a sentence or two. Indigenous worldviews and knowledge in addition to culture and my ethnic identity are entangled in my research interest along with leadership, power, and policy. The human experience is a complex one. I am creating my own path. If anything, I am reminded of a conversation I had with a colleague recently… do what makes me happy. It takes courage, patience, and trust.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 14th, 2024 | Comments Off on Looking at Myself
August 13, 2024 – Situating Myself that Values Myself
Who wants to write a vulnerable blog post? Not me. LOL. I did start my weekly blog post on the weekend by highlighting my love for food. I had no problems scrolling through my photos to find images food. Not just any food, but my favourite food. It was an excellent collection. I even took the time to edit which photos I would share on my blog post. Of course, I hesitated to blog. Is this what I want to share with THE WORLD. Maybe. What I am learning is, how do I put myself “in the front” of things. Meaning, I need to find my value and act accordingly. I spent a good chunk of my time “pleasing” others and doing things that I thought I was supposed to do or was expected of me. Now, I want to be true to myself and act in ways that are aligned to me and my values. It sounds strange to say this as it may imply that I never did. In some ways, it’s true because I would park my own needs to accommodate others.
Learning takes patience and time.
This First Peoples Principles of Learning is something that I take to heart and one of my good friends took the time to describe its meaning to me from the perspective of a Haida woman. I always find this particular First Peoples Principles of Learning in MATH lesson plans. As much as I appreciate the intent by teacher candidates, that would be a western or colonial viewpoint of what this principle really means. What was described to me was, you will experience something but it’s meaning or application will not make sense until it makes sense. Sometimes it could be in that moment, but often it could be days, weeks, months, or dare I say… YEARS later. I feel that I have arrive. The same friend also “called me out” one-year ago (just before I got into a car accident) that my #pandemicreflections blog series that attempted to identify what was important to me was another exemplar of doing the same thing.
She was right. I can name a list of things or experiences that are important to me as “important” but really, what’s important to me, is me. Just like that. As simple as that sounds, it took many opportunities, conversations, and reflections to realize this learning. Yes, learning does take patience and time. Now armed with this new understanding, I find myself acting in ways that honours my values and who I am. I love this saying, “I can compromise with others without compromising myself.” I could not have said it any better. Moreover, my Chair even supports the “new” direction of my research program (i.e., an autoethnography, my ethnic identity, my positionality). My other work is aligned to this work, but what I am also learning is, the target is not a promotion or tenure, but the joy of research and learning more about ME. Ah yes, a Parker Palmer vibration: SELF-KNOWLEDGE. It’s not narcissism, but rather grounding.
I am also learning walking this new path, aside from being super excited about it, I am going to have to learn what it means to put myself first and to do things that are authentic to me. I find myself catching myself and moments, and pausing, re-evaluating, and reflecting on how I would like to move forward in the world that feels good to me, but also considers others and their well-being. It will not be perfect. I am learning. But, I am so grateful to know what’s really important to me and I have a responsibility to act accordingly. This feeling and understanding are liberating and I can’t wait to learn more about Chinese immigration to British Columbia, my heritage and family stories, and more about myself and my positionality starting with my hometown of Prince Rupert. Piecing this puzzle together will be my life’s work and I am very appreciative of the opportunities that are afforded to me to do this learning.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 13th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making the Commitment
I never thought it would be possible to make lo bak go on my own. I have no idea what inspired me to do it, with exception for the biweekly vegetable basket my kid had signed us up for with her friends. This creation came from our second basket. And much like the first basket, there were a lot of red and white radishes… and other vegetables I am not personally accustomed to. Anyway, it’s a good way to be introduced to new vegetables and to explore new recipes. That said, a few weeks ago, I roasted the beets and radishes with salt, pepper, and olive oil. It was a simple recipe I Googled and it I thought it would be something that I would like. In the end, it was ‘ok’ or as the kids would say ‘mid.’ I was not compelled to eat them and honestly, I thought I could do better. When the second basket arrived, we got more radishes and beets as well as other mysterious vegetables (to me). I need to take some deliberate action to transform some of these vegetables into something “I want to” eat.
I had to Google a lot to determine the difference between a turnip and radish, and where does “white turnip” or “Chinese radish” sit within this continuum of root vegetables. I still was not 100% sure, but proceeded with the recipe using the white radishes. I even ventured to Save-On-Foods last night to get “rice flour.” I think I threw that out a few months ago thinking that I would never use it. I also threw out the bag of little dried shrimp. My kid made me lo bak go for Christmas last year. Admittedly, it stank up the entire apartment (LOL), but was the BEST-GIFT-EVER. I just love this food. The amount of work required to make this dim sum or Chinese New Year dish was seemingly intense, from watching my kid (and my mom as a kid). I thought it would be something that I would have to gorge myself with when I went to Vancouver. I have a set out rules for my family: (1) only Chinese or Asian food; (2) I have to have lo bak go at least once a day as part of one of my meals. I can’t get enough of this stuff.
August 7, 2024 – I made it again… like a pro!
A slight interruption to the blogging process and I’m back again… and yes, I made a second batch of lo bak go like a PRO. I remembered the process and ingredients. I had to look back at a few measurements and voilà. It’s almost like I’ve created a system such that I only use a few kitchen items and clean as I go. “The smell” is minimized without the dried shrimp, but it would definitely enhance the favour and texture of the lo bak go. Anyway, I digress and as you can read… we got a lot of radishes in this veggie basket. I had to freeze the second lo bak go loaf. As much as I love this food and it brings many memories of my mom, I am left to wonder about how my mom knew how to make this in the 80’s when we had no internet. There was a Chinese community in Prince Rupert, but I don’t really know how she learned how to make this dish. I do remember the long and laborious process, and she was able to make other Chinese dim sum like rice rolls. That’s another favourite dish of mine, not as much as lo bak go. It’s not everyone’s favourite but I am so happy I can make it.
THE METAPHOR: Trust me. The lo bak go experience is teaching me something. I had always believed that it was too hard to make so don’t bother making it. Just buy it (when you can). Other people will make it… for me. What I have learned is, I can make it for myself. I can find ways to make it happen (i.e., Google a recipe, adapt with materials, and make the best at what I have). What’s the worst thing that can happen? What I am understanding is, the worst thing that could happen is not trying. I have exceeded my expectations. I had no idea what I was about to embark on and what I have realized is, it’s not as hard as I thought it was. I can learn from my mistakes. And, I can make it better the next time. There’s immediate formative feedback (i.e., taste, texture, presentation) and I can take that information and learn from it to do it better the next time. Moreover, when you do it again, the process gets faster, cleaner, and clearer. That’s exciting. Lo bak go is a metaphor for my work… my life. You will only know when you try. It can be scary and uncertain, but not knowing and staying in “old beliefs” are also scary and uncertain. So, which would you rather? I’m going to try.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 07th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making My Favourite Food
What can I say? Today used to be an important day for me, but now, it’s just another day. It did not occur to me that today was “the day” until I looked at my phone and noticed the date. I could spend a lot of time wondering what had happened or regret the years behind me, but really… I spend no time on the past. What I have spent a lot of time on lately is figuring out what’s important to me. I thought I was doing that during the pandemic during my weekly #pandemicreflection, but my good friend called me on that. She was right. Who was I fooling? I guess, myself. Lots had to change in my life to get to who I really am. First, I understand that understanding my values (first) will help with my boundaries, not the other way around. Second, I love my kid and will do anything for her. I believe the feeling is mutual. Finally, I am important and I have value. The last point has been the most difficult to internalize, but its the work that is most worthwhile. I have found peace, calm, and solace.
Part of understanding who I am is fully accepting my positionality. Part of that is being the youngest child of three, being a second-generation Chinese Canadian woman, and being a person with a doctorate with something worthwhile to say. For most of my life, I’ve been living in the shadows of others and often would choose that way of being because it was something that was familiar, comfortable, or expected. As much as I thought that I was a “change agent” or “trouble-maker” but really I was a person who spent much of their time trying to fit in and follow the rules. The problem was, in doing so, I thought I was meeting other people’s expectations or pleasing others. I thought that “doing a good job” would get noticed. Sadly, it was noticed in such a way that it was expected of me. As a result, I was moving away from who I am and became someone I did not recognize. Weirdly, I did not even know I was doing this.
Now that I’m on my own, living with my kid, and starting a “new life”… I am learning how to be me (rather than someone else I’m thinking that people want me to be). Let’s be clear, I reached achievements in that former modality and I am grateful that I was able to achieve what I have achieved, but I need to GET OUT OF MY WAY. In my former way of being, I wondered why I was not “being seen” when really, how could I be seen when I was trying to be someone else I am not, to live in someone else’s shadow that’s not mine, or to hide and avoid conflicts or confrontations such that I get nothing that I want to accomplish. This blog entry is getting into something more deeper than I had anticipated, but I’ve been avoiding this blog post all weekend. I can see why. I am having to overcome “a truth” that I have to overcome. I spent much of 2024 so far resting, reflecting, and reassessing. I have to catch myself… and pause.
I don’t want to fall into the same patterns.
I’m in a holding pattern and I need to take the messages I am receiving on REELS during my “death-scrolls” on social media: (1) I am the CEO of my life; (2) have a vision; and (3) live in the present. Find the joy. I am totally aligned to Brené Brown’s work. The act of being vulnerable and you have to choose between COMFORT and COURAGE because you can’t have both at the same time. This message resonates with me deeply. I have been choosing comfort for the last 5 or so years. There has been so much change, loss, and trauma such that COMFORT = SAFETY. I have not felt safe and secure in such a long time. How can I be myself when I rarely felt safe or secure? As a consequence, I am always protecting myself, defending myself, or isolating myself to the point where “what I really desire is what I am avoiding.” Yes, that’s another message from REELS. Today, I feel safe. I feel secure. The more I am learning more about myself and my positionality, the more I like myself and feel more ready to be seen. I’m shifting from living a life of fitting in to a life I want to live.
The choice has reached a tipping point to choose COURAGE. I need to get myself out of my way. Step aside Christine and make room for CHRISTINE. Yes, it’s “Christine” in all CAPS. As Brené Brown says, in the cringy, uncomforable moments, stay with it and be BRAVE. My former pattern would have been run away, blame, or hide. Now, it’s time to put myself out there, be open to feedback, and just persevere and stick it out. I need to develop my GRIT for life. I love how my kid said to me, YOLO, mom (as she was encouraging me to travel and see the world). I have a vision. I thought that I had satisfied this vision 10-years ago. I’m wrong. I have not lived it out yet. Do what you love… live your life… make your own path… that’s all that matters!! (((deep breath))) Knowing this, feels good. I am so grateful for this day. Today is CHRISTINE DAY. It’s one I celebrate with joy and pride. And yes, I bought myself flowers, a squishy, and Marble-Slab ice cream. Live your best life. It does not matter what other people think.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 21st, 2024 | Comments Off on Onwards and Upwards
June 28, 2024 – Having to prioritize my time and work
I think this photo is one of my most favourite family photos I have before my mother got really sick and passed away. Of course, it’s a selfie at a Chinese restaurant in Burnaby, BC that was near to where my parents lived. Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 87 years old. She loved going to Chinese restaurants as much as I love eating Chines food. Admittedly, I’ve been overdosing on Chinese dumplings since returning from Montreal. I can’t get enough of them. If it’s not Chinese food, then it’s Vietnamese or Japanese food. I can get enough Asian food. Most times it’s frozen dim sum or Costco soup dumplings. When I eat Chinese food, I feel closer to my mom and my perceived sense of what my Chinese/Cantonese heritage is/was.
I regret having missed last week’s blog post. The blog post started with an image of those steamed frozen dumplings and a reflection of bumping into a “former student” in Montreal. He was not a “former student” per se. At that time, I just left teaching and he was still in high school I believe he was in Grade 11 or 12. I was becoming a school trustee. It was 2011 and we pulled together in the Pulling Together Canoe Journey, which is a weeklong event during the summer that attempts to build relationships between Indigenous youth and the police. I was a community member and pulled with my former school district. I just loved this student. I called him A-MAIZE-ING… because he was. He reached out to me via FB messenger while I was in Montreal.
We were meant to meet in Montreal. It was like no time had passed, but we had a many things to report on with life ranging from schooling to careers to family to relationships. We walked around his neighbourhood and went out for dinner in Verdun. It was absolutely delicious. Yes, it was shrimp wonton soup with noodles. It was a hot day, but it was something I needed after a week’s worth of very rich and buttery food. LOL. In our conversation, he spoke about a person he knew from UBC. Elder Larry Grant was an elder in residence at UBC and his brother Howard E. Grant is a Musqueum councillor. My friend sent me articles and video link to “All Our Father’s Relations” from the Knowledge Network. I shared that I was learning more about Chinese-Canadians in BC and my friend connected me to these people’s stories.
As soon I came home from Montreal a couple of weeks ago, I took a deep dive in watching the video and reading the news articles and links. The Howard’s were raised with Indigenous culture, language, and values from their mother’s side and were on a journey to learn more about their Chinese heritage from their father’s side. Much like the video “Bamboo and Cedar,” the stories these people tell are eye opening and grounding at the same time. When people as me if I am Indigenous, First Nations, or Native, I did not realize until recently that these questions were valid. There is a history of Chinese-Indigenous children in BC. I thought it was because I don’t look like a “typical” Chinese person, but asking if I have Indigenous heritage is historically valid.
I take much joy in learning more about Chinese-Canadian history in BC, more than I thought I would. I feel more connected to who I am and I am able to sense-make or reason with some behaviours and feelings which brings much a lot of solace and inner-peace. I miss my mom greatly and I believe that she has many stories to share that she chose not to during my formative years. I don’t have bad feelings about that… now. I am understanding that it was acceptable, if not encouraged to live life as a Canadian. Not having the language also served as a barrier to learning more about my heritage and family history. So, I will go with what I know… Cantonese food, dim sum, and congee… to provoke good feelings and memories. For that, I am grateful.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 28th, 2024 | Comments Off on A Missed Week
