I will say, imposter syndrome is REAL. Understanding my worth is CHALLENGING. And, being ok with rejection is NORMAL. Wow. It has taken me a load of time to figure this out, but I guess that is the journey. I am sitting here on a Friday night, looking out my window and watching a thunder and lightning storm. The metaphor did not escape me. Big changes are a happening, and it’s taken me a long time to accept who I am, love who I am, and love the work that I do. I guess I am going to cite Brené Brown again to say that “I am enough.” I do remember the words of my supervisor saying, “we don’t give out doctorates to anybody… you’ve earned it.” (PS. may not be the exact words, but it’s close).
I remember that it took me a year to tell people I was a doctoral candidate (which meant passing the comprehensive exams), many years to complete my dissertation (because I kept spiralling in the research problem without making much progress until I quit my job, became a school trustee, and realized that my job as a doctoral student and researcher was to answer the research question.). Once all the pieces seemed to make sense (as I struggled with my identity, my value within the profession, and what to do next in my professional career), I completed my research. At that time, I was a sessional instructor (commuting from the Sunshine Coast), I was a two-term school trustee, and my mom was dying (I needed to take care of her).
What can I say? Life was turbulent to say the least, and my sense of self was at an all time low. It’s hard to hear things like, “hey, do you want to publish your dissertation?” from your supervisor. I had no idea what he was talking about. He offered to help and to be a co-author (many, many years ago), and I said, “sure.” I had no clue what this meant or involved. He took the time to reduce my dissertation down to a word-count less than 10,000. He managed to do it, and added his flair to the manuscript to to bring some of the ideas together in its condensed form. Now what? It did take some time to get the manuscript completed, but once it was in my hands to review and submit, I was lost again. What was I suppose to do with this document? Where does it go? Academia is very much what my dissertation was about… being out-of-field, learning-by-doing, and experiential learning. I did submit it to one place, but the editor quickly returned the manuscript to me saying that they did not like the convenience sampling approach and that it needed a literature review. I can say that now, but what I internalized then was, this work is garbage and you can’t read or write. Sounds extreme, I know, but that was the headspace I was in. It was not good, so formative feedback was difficult to receive.
Time lapsed. I could not fathom submitting this work to another journal. First, it was a long manuscript. Most journals accept 5000-7000 words. I’ve attempted to shorten the manuscript and edit it, but I could never get passed the first page. I was so devastated by the editor’s reply that I could not even think about subjecting my work to anyone, despite the blood, sweat, and tears incurred by both myself and my supervisor. I did not have the strength, confidence, or heart to do it. I just wanted to keep the work to myself. So, what did I do? Pursued academia and engage in studies that had NOTHING to do with my doctoral research. OMG. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I loved returning back to teaching, and I love learning about research. I am really enjoying working with others on some research projects, and I am getting some publications out that are aligned to teaching and learning. Lots of what I am doing at the university through teaching, research, and service are related to what I love, but none of it is directly correlated to my doctoral research. CRAZY. Until one day, I went back to that manuscript and realized that my supervisor referred to the literature review in the discussion as a strategy to reduce words, and my student did engage in a form of convenience sampling.
HELLO? I’m not a bad person.
Other life events have happened since then, like ending my marriage, moving to a new place, becoming a full-time single parent, navigating the academia world (and not really doing a good job at it), buy a new place, a new car, a new way of being. Why not through a pandemic in there as well as a strike (that was a turbulent year). The brighter side, my kid just graduated from university and working a full-time job, I am a cat-mom, and I love teaching and learning about math and math education. Ah yes… back to my OG love. I get super stoked attending professional development sessions about math education, and I have opportunities to put my doctoral work into practice. I’m not sure if this is serendipity or that I was always meant to. It’s been an incredible journey to get to where I am today, and YES… I submitted that manuscript to a different journal, that accepted up to 10,000 words, and I feel 1000-times better about this work and realizing that the research is still relevant. I want to do a replication study. This work is interesting to me, and I feel like I’m coming home… in a good way… and it feels GREAT. I have overcome my fears. And, even though I have another chapter, and another chapter to write (with timelines), I needed to take today to submit that manuscript, regardless of outcome.
I feel good. I am not hung up on the outcome, or the feedback. Everything is formative, and I really understand that. It’s taken many learning experiences to get to where I am with this mindset. Not only did coach teacher candidates this understanding in their upcoming and recent publication as a conference proceeding, but also to graduate students I am mentoring and supporting in other ways and roles. But now, I get it. I really understand who I am, my doctoral work, and MY WHY (of which I wrote in my last blog post). This ALIGNMENT has been something that I have always been striving for, and now I see it, I can feel it, and I know it. I feel that the floodgate has opened and now the water can rush through. I want to use the metaphor of a salmon swimming up stream, but my arrival is not my death, but rather the opportunity to lay eggs and spawn birth to new ideas and possibilities. I had to write this blog post soon after I sent my manuscript, co-authored with my supervisor. I know that we are colleagues, but he will always be my supervisor. For that, I am very appreciative. Onwards and upwards… to the next chapter!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 19th, 2026 | No Comments »
June 18, 2026 – Trying to Catch Up on My Reflections
There was one thing that I loved so much when I was teaching in K-12… many decades ago… it was PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. I loved going to different conferences, I loved learning new things and ideas, and I loved being the Professional Development Representative for our school. And now, I love presenting at conferences, I love attending conferences, and I love connecting and reconnecting with people at these conferences. I just LOVE conferences and professional learning. There is no surprise that my dissertation centred around professional learning, as well did my major papers during my masters program as well. I never thought that I was a “good learner,” but rather, now that I’m thinking about it, I was “not a good student.” Wait a minute, let me unpack that…
I love chatting with my brother and sister who both reminisce about high school and how both of them went to the Mayor’s Lunch. I had no idea that they went to the “Mayor’s Lunch.” I was very aware that my twin-bro won lots of awards, at least a contender for many of them when we were in high school. I’d consider him to be one of the top three students in my graduating class. I knew that my sister loved high school (but she also likes going to the dentist too). Anyway, they were so good at school, that they got to go eat lunch with the mayor. I never done that, nor knew that was even a thing until I was in my 50’s. That is so sad, but also, not surprising. Why would I know about the mayor’s lunch. I think I was above average, at best. I was a solid “B+” student in high school.
I did not find school particularly easy, or interesting. In hindsight, I should have stayed in my typing class, continued with band, and maybe follow through on the Calculus 12 course. I think if I had stayed in all three courses, I could have been on a different trajectory. I did stay focussed on curling, and committed to the sport until the end of grade 12 when my team won the Alcan High School Provincials, and runner-up in the BC Provincials. That was a pretty good year. Reading and writing were not my strength, and as you can see, I kept on pursuing things that I was not very good at… for some strange reason. And, I stepped away from things that I thought I was not good at, caved into my ego’s needs, and quit. Hmm… this finding is very insightful. How can I stay the course?
Fast forward to present time, or at least the last decade, life has underwent much transformation. Call it the midlife-unravelling (named by Dr. Brené Brown), or turning a new page to a new chapter series… LOL. Whatever it was, I needed to undergo these changes to be where I am today. I am currently writing 2 chapters. I never thought there would be a day that I would be saying that, but one I am procrastinating, as the final submission responding to revisions is due in a couple of weeks, and the other needs to be written by the end of summer. This pat-on-the-back is not listing out other major tasks such as organizing the program annual retreat, writing an overdue book review, and acting as an external examiner for a dissertation. Again, these are all good things.
I’m still overwhelmed with some other work that needs to get done in the meantime and the house is mess. Right in the middle of composing the blog post, I had to take a pause and clean the hallway, of which my daughter consumes, do her laundry because I have to for my own peace of mind, and vacuum the floors that needed it months ago. Ahhh… just those little things (aka., huge tasks) frees my mind to really enjoy things like writing and professional development. I loved how I heard on one podcast where the guest said, RESEARCH IS ME-SEARCH. I think I heard that before, but it reminded me that this work that I am doing is also about self-discovery and understanding. One co-author I am working with reminded me that I LOVE PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. She ain’t wrong.
Strangely, I never considered myself curious, but lately, folks around me are describing me in that way. Huh. I guess I am. You know that I am in the midst of turning a page onto a new chapter because I do feel a level of liberation. I’m not sure if it’s because my daughter has graduated from university and is now working as a full-time nurse, or that I’m engaged in physio and paying more attention to my physical self, or if it’s because I said no to applying for promotion because I know that I am not ready yet. All of these acts are powerful and also play a role in my professional learning. Self-knowledge, according to Parker Palmer, is an important component to good teaching along with knowledge of the subject matter and knowledge of the learners in the classroom.
I had such a good time at the University of Winnipeg at CSSE (Canadian Society for the Study of Education) Conference 2026 . I presented twice for CATE (Canadian Association for Teacher Education), and I was the Program Manager for CAARE (Canadian Association for Action Research in Education). It was a good balance between presenting, connecting, and organizing. I had a tonne of fun in Winnipeg. I was so glad that I went there a few months ago for WestCAST 2026 with a few teacher candidates. We really explored the city then. This time, I was focused on the conference, being with good people, and enjoying my time learning from others. I did walk away from the conference feeling like ACTION RESEARCH is m JAM. That’s exciting too. I can’t wait for the next conference.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 18th, 2026 | No Comments »
Is that what I want for myself? It’s starting to look like a habit… re: blogging every second week. That’s not my plan, but it’s turning out to be that way. Normally, I would like to blog to reflect on my week but also think about some of the lessons learned during that week. Moreover, blogging often helped me as a warm-up to work. Is this something that I am making up? I think I am, but lately, I have not been prioritizing my blog time as part of my “things to do.” Blogging would be something that I looked forward to, particularly on the weekends. I would also blog when I was inspired so more than one blog post would emerge from the week. Now, I perceive blogging like work (i.e., something that I have to do). Blogging is not part of my work, but maintaining a reflective practice is part of my work. Anyway, here I am… two weeks later… writing my blog post… on a Monday.
If anything, I do need to get motivated or geared up to do the list of things I need to do. I have been prioritizing sleep and rest. Unfortunately, last weekend I opted to work… and I did… all weekend. By the time the week rolled around, I was somewhat tired, I needed a lot more to recover from the day, and my days remained fairly full. As a result, things that did not get done just spill over into the next week. Last Friday, after two weeks of full-output with respect to ending the term and doing additional work I have signed up for, I had nothing left in me after an afternoon meeting that day. The weather dipped deep into the cold, it was snowing, and I just wanted to REST… and so I did… all weekend, guilt-free. I just needed the time to restore myself. I had no idea that recycling, vacuuming, and doing my laundry would have such a restorative effect on me.
I was not in the mood for anything Friday night. I did not have the will. I did some housework on Saturday, as mentioned. On Sunday, I just slept in, took a nap, and chilled for most of the day. I did not even want to blog, so here I am on a Monday afternoon, the day after winter solstice. Dang, it did get dark early yesterday. And, I made my kid and her boyfriend dinner. I cleaned up and just enjoyed my time with my cat. I’m becoming one of those ladies… a cat-lady… and, I’m liking it. I was looking forward to the next couple of days to catch up on a very big list on some very big things to complete that rolled into this week from the last few weeks and beyond. Sadly, I almost missed the one Monday morning meeting I had scheduled. Holy moly… there needs to be a balance between rest and work. I am loving BE A PERSON Saturdays, but it does trickle into Friday nights and Sundays. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but it does make the week full.
If anything, I am not complaining, but I am honestly grateful to have this work to do. I love what I am doing. I love where I am. And, I love the people that I get to work with. In the end, prioritizing my time only highlights what’s important to me. All of what I am doing is important and I have learned to walk away from things that do not fill my cup, sucks up too much energy, or I do not love to do. So, how lucky am I? VERY LUCKY.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 22nd, 2025 | Comments Off on Prioritizing My Time
Finally… I am listening to my body. I am always bringing my laptop downstairs with the hopes and intentions of doing work while sitting in my LazyBoy reclining chair and listening to Dr. G. Medical Examiner on YouTube via my TV. Over and over again I engage in this behaviour thinking that the next day will be a new day and I’ll jump into my work. Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results (citation affirmed by Google). I even knew that going to my office upstairs would be the most ideal and only way to get work done, unless I wanted to go to work and sit at my desk there. Anyway, I am HERE, sitting at my desk, upstairs, and blogging, which is a warm-up to doing work. Yay!! I’m here and working!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEKEND!!
Can you believe that it’s mid-October? I cannot. I have no idea where time is going to, but I am grateful to be here with my health, my cat, my kid, my work, and my place where I live. I have a lot to be grateful for and I am. I made turkey dinner last night. It took me about 6-hours to cook, 20-minutes to eat, and a couple of hours to clean up. Wowza. Preparing the dinner for me and my kid took most of my day and there was no way I was getting to any work last night. I also underestimated the time it would take for the turkey to cook and we ate at about 8:30pm last night. It was a late dinner with lots of snacks in between. My kid made note to me that it was a long time since I made turkey dinner. I could not remember when I made turkey dinner last. She said it was likely when I live in my other house. DAMN. That is at least 8-years ago. I’m guessing, but that has been quite some time. Admittedly, I am not looking forward to the next time. I think I’ll do what my twin brother does, especially when I live alone one day. I’ll get turkey dinner from WhiteSpot. Keep it simple. That was a lot of work for 20 minutes of eating.
I also spent the weekend resting. I had a tonne to do, of course, and I am grateful to have this work, but I needed to take a time out. I was not burning out, but I have been spending almost 2 years on focusing on myself and self-care. I am really trying to disengage from the hustle-culture and participate in work that I need to do, want to do, and rest when I need to. My teaching days of Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Thursdays heighten my workload (even though that is my workload). I am also engaged in a few research projects and projects for my department that also takes some of my time. I always appreciate Saturdays as “be a person day” where I can spend that day any way I want, guilt free. It could entail work, or not. All is good. Last week, I hosted a guest speaker in my teacher education class to help facilitate the blanket exercise. It’s a super powerful exercise depicting Canadian history from an Indigenous perspective.
In preparation for this class, I brought the blankets from home. I brought one garbage bag the night before prior to my night class, and a few other bags the next morning. I was so shocked how many people stopped to ask if I needed help. One offered me a ride to the front door. I declined. One person offered to carry a bag the next morning (I was carrying a few), and I accepted. Another person offered to carry a bag back to my car. I refused the help. And, the students in the class helped to set up the room and then folded the blankets after class ended while moving the tables and chairs in places in preparation for the next class. Overall, I was so touched by the gestures. No prompting. No soliciting. People just offered. Strangers to me (with exception to my students). I thought it aligned perfectly to the outcomes of the blanket exercise… meaning, people are kind, compassionate, and generous. My faith in humanity restored, especially after a very emotional and disturbing exercise about Canadian history. Thank you for your kindness.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, October 13th, 2025 | Comments Off on Faith in Humanity
Toast with butter and jam. A Sunday afternoon treat. I love it.
September 7, 2025 – Enjoy the Simple Things
Wow. That was an intense first week back to school. I can only imagine teachers returning back to K-12 schools. I hope they are kind and compassionate to self. As exciting it is to return back to school, it’s easy to “over-do-it” and over-extend oneself to the point where it’s not safe or healthy for one to do or sustain. Do I need to listen to myself and the advice I would share with other educators? Yes, I do… of course.
First of all… July came and went. I think I was fully immersed in RELAX-mode, which is not a bad thing. Rest is a good thing. Unfortunately, August was very full with lots of things to do (if not, over full) preparing for the upcoming the school year. Prior to the first week of school, I was working on addressing some provisos from an ethics application. It was an incredible learning experience, but the revisions were extensive. With my research team, we mutually decided to make some changes in direction of our work, and I was charged to making those changes in our ethics application. I needed to get this application resubmitted before school started… and I did… at 5am on September 2nd. Truth, I am getting too old for all-nighters, but that’s my best work time. It’s a dilemma, but it was submitted. Yay for me because school was starting.
September 2nd started with a morning meeting with another research team then transitioned into Day 1 of the B.Ed. Program Orientation. This event was only for a couple of hours to do some brief introductions to the new incoming cohorts then go outside in small groups to get to know one another. The day ended at 3pm and I went home with high hopes of going to bed, which I did at 7pm, soon after I learned that the book review I committed to do could be completed later in the term for a 2026 publication. I was not disappointed. I was grateful for the time to pause and rest. I needed it. The next day started early with Day 2 of the B.Ed. Orientation. It was a full day with the morning at the Northern Sports Centre and the afternoon at Lheidli T’enneh Memorial Park. The incoming cohorts engage in activities led by the out going cohorts. Somewhere in between, I also met with my research team to update them on the ethics application and to discuss next steps. It was a very full day, but wait…
September 3rd was the start of classes and I taught my first night class after the B.Ed. Orientation. This class is a 3-hour graduate study class, which was originally designed to be an in-person course, but now it’s hybrid. Teaching that night was challenging to say the least because getting well acquainted with either the in-person or online students in hybrid class is minimized due to having two platforms of delivery all at once. I take a deep breath and remember to find some kindness and compassion for self to do the best that I can. That’s all I can offer. I cannot be everything to everyone and I will do my best to accommodate but I know that it will not be the same as a class that is either all in-person or all online. Sadly, the work continues with prepping for my morning class. It’s another 3-hour class, but with the incoming cohort. It’s the first class they will have in the B.Ed. Program. I needed to make a good impression.
September 4th started with an 8:30am class. I am not a morning person to begin with and I stayed up late to prep for this class. I think the class went well, but classic “Christine”… I went over time by 5 minutes and did not do one learning activity. That’s ok. It’s good to be over planned, but also, I had to learn how this class moved and flowed. I feel that they are moving quite swiftly and they are very adaptive and responsive. The learning activity can wait until next week, but dang… I’m already thinking… how can I get everything I have planned done? It’s ok. I’m going with the flow. As you can imagine, I wanted to go home to sleep, but the outgoing crew were sharing their final projects for one of their yearlong courses. I dropped by to say hello and had the opportunity to listen and see some of their work. It was really incredible and creative with some of the outcomes. I was really happy to see this crew, but it did take about a few hours of my time. All is good. As you know, soon after, I went to bed.
September 5th is Fri-YAY and I had no classes to attend to. However, the outgoing cohort had a second yearlong course of which they were also sharing their final projects. Some projects were offered as a gallery walk while others were online or a presentation. The session was scheduled for 6-hours. As much as I wanted to hear, see, and learn from all of the students, I committed to the morning. Again, it was good to hear what students are doing, and it provided me some solace and closure on this course. It used to be one I used to teach, but now it has a new instructor and new learning outcomes. I am happy for the students and grateful to have the opportunity to say hello, once again, with the outgoing cohorts, and head home to get to other aspects of my work… and then rest. But, this day concluded with great news!! The ethics application mentioned earlier… it was APPROVED. Woohoo!!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 07th, 2025 | Comments Off on Week One Is Done
This has been a week filled with learning and it takes a lot of humility, kindness, and compassion to proceed onto the next step. After coming home from my hometown of Prince Rupert, I was filled with gratitude to return to my place, my cat, and my kid. I cannot believe that I live where I do and that I did it myself. It’s a really big deal for me. Being the youngest of three and formally married for almost 30 years, I am so grateful to achieve what I have achieved. As my friend had told me over the weekend last week, I am my toughest critic and I am really hard on myself. I don’t disagree. LOL. That’s nice. A double negative. I am learning how to look at myself and see what I see. My friend also said, I have spent my last few years protecting myself. I also don’t disagree with that claim either. I needed to take a step back and know I am creating the story that I want to create. I also know that I am doing the work. I am also aware there is a wake behind me and I cannot control how people behave, think, or feel about me. That has been a big learning hurdle in recent years. What I do know is, I am more secure and accepting of who I am and I will continue with a learning-mindset to thrive and flourish. I can keep dwelling on how I think life “should be” but really, I am living my best life. It’s not perfect, but darn… I think it’s pretty close. I feel very lucky.
This week, I went to the Grant Writing Workshop at the university. This would be the third time I’ve attended this workshop, and with each time I attend, I learn something new. This time, this session reminded me of preparing students for the Math 12 Provincial Exam. I used to be a secondary mathematics teacher and taught Math 12 for about 10-years. At the time, students wrote a provincial exam worth 40% of their grade. Given the high stakes nature of the exam and the need for high performance, I would teach the course as I would for 80% of the time, and I would prepare for the provincial exam for the remaining 20% of the time. We used old exams to practice and held math camps to work collaboratively with other high schools in the district to prepare for the exam. Then, I would facilitate “Math Olympiks” to create a collaborative competitive learning environment to engage in teachable moments with their peers and myself (the teacher). Another goal or expectation of the final exam is to “match” the course mark with the exam mark. So, there was lots at stake with the provincial exam for both the student and teacher. The Grant Writing Workshop had a similar vibe, meaning, you can have a wonderful and worthwhile project to research, but the ultimate goal is to “get the money,” so how do we do that? If anything, I saw the two-day session as being strategic, much like the provincial exam. Brilliant.
The week concludes with a couple of meetings. One meeting was about working with one research team that engaged in a lengthy conversation. The conversation focused on next steps, but also on social dynamics. Throughout the conversation, I could see that I am doing the work (i.e., the self-knowledge work) and I can understand how things were unfolding. What I am learning is, you have to feel good about what you are doing. I stepped away from some other work because it did not give me “good feelings.” Call it my gut… call it familiar feelings… call it the lesson iterates again. I believe that life’s lessons iterate themselves until you get it. These iterations will amplify over time. A long story made short, you are called to action. What do you need/want to do? What’s best for you? Anyway, human interaction are complicated and when words are not shared, trust not established, hard feelings not articulated, etc. the situation can be amplified. I was grateful for the conversation and I can see my role in the situation. I can’t change what has happened nor can I remedy the situation, the cards were laid as they were. I can accept that. My second meeting was with another research team and we are finishing a second manuscript in this study. We just resubmitted the first one and in the last steps of revising a second one for submission. Being on this team offered me many learning opportunities and I can see how I have grown over time. The meeting went very well and I am very excited to submit this manuscript. I can see how the goal is to work together to make it better.
What I am also understanding about my work is, it all takes time, it takes longer than you expect it to, and I am more successful doing one thing at a time. Although I have a few projects happening at the same time, I can only focus on one task at a time. I had full intentions to work on other projects that are outstanding, but I can only get to what I can get to. I thought I could work on Saturday, but my body said NO. I really needed some time to transition from Friday. I needed to rest. I took some time to hang out with my kid. And, I took some time to clean the house, recycle, do laundry, and get my office/room organized to prepare for the upcoming week. I can get down on myself, compare myself to others, or feel guilty, but I am not going to do that. Part of my selfishness is to “be a person” on Saturdays. I took the last year and half to block off Saturday to rest and take care of myself. Now, I just do that. I feel good now, but I was struggling after the week ended. I needed the time to “feel good” again. I don’t feel guilty about that. I keep assessing myself… looking for any bad feelings, shame, or self-doubt. I don’t feel it. This is growth. I am so pleased and I feel rested. Feeling grounded is so important to me. And once again, I am filled with gratitude. I love my place, my cat, and my kid. I have my health and I love my work. Nothing is perfect, but I will do my best to stay in the learning-mindset. That’s where the joy is.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 24th, 2025 | Comments Off on Saturdays are a NO go
I took a quick trip to Vancouver last week to visit my dad. He is 87. Although I had a great visit with him, he is needing some extra support given his age and such. My siblings and I have been officially inducted into the sandwich generation. My mom passed away 7 years ago. It feels like yesterday. I still have intentions to write about her and the 20 days we had together. She was an amazing woman. I did not know much about her. I always saw her as my mom. As time has passed, I am learning that she was an incredible woman with immense strength and determination. She made it look effortless. After spending some time with my dad last weekend, I realized that my mom took care of him too. He needs a little TLC. As a child, I always perceived my dad to be the strong one. In hindsight, I think my mom made my dad into the person he was. Now, times are different and I am learning that you have to live your life to the fullest… and be happy. It’s not easy sometimes, but making decisions and being motivated (or hindered) by fear is no way to live. It’s better to walk through the fear.
I say that so easily… walk through the fear. I am often challenged by that. It’s scary. I’m anticipating the worst. I feel very dependent on the action of others. But the truth is, NOTHING HAPPENS. What I mean by that is, everything that you feared is fiction. You don’t know until you know… so, you’ve got to go for it and see what happens…. which is nothing. How does one overcome one’s imagination? I remember my dad after my mom passed away. He was so driven by fear. He did not want to die alone. He did not want to be put into a home. He needed someone. He needed my mom. So now what? I can really empathize with his fear. Sometimes it’s so difficult to see past the fear. As a result, you do things that are not authentic to you or your needs. Ironically, the consequence of fear is, what you did not want may manifest differently because of the fear. CRAZY. So, what is there to lose? You have to try and feel the discomfort.
I’ve been practicing. PRACTICE might be my #OneWord2026. Start small. I’m not enjoying the discomfort. Often, it gets the best of me. But, I think about my mom. She had grit, determination, and perseverance. But, it’s more than that… you have be authentic to yourself… you have to do what you love… and, you have to know your WHY. Hence, practice helps with all three criteria. By trying, you are going to know what you like (or not like), what is important (or not important), and what is worthwhile doing (or not worthwhile). You have to learn what these things are versus guessing or hypothesizing what is good. It might be bad, but now you know. And if anything I’ve learned about formative feedback and experiential learning, it’s not the feedback that matters, but how you respond to the feedback does. So now what?
Kindness, compassion, and self-respect comes into play. I know that I am hard on myself. I know that it’s so easy to compare. I’ve done that my whole life growing up being the youngest of three. My positionality in my family created a narrative (in my mind) that is not true. Admittedly, it’s sometimes hard to wrestle with. My own demons are created by me, by making rules and structuring my life that is not authentic to who I am and who I want to be. I took a different trajectory. Let me be clear, what was happening to me was real and true, but how I could have responded to those actions could have been different. I thought the right answer was to put myself aside, play the game, and I would be rewarded for this behaviour. I always put myself last and believed that once all was said and done, my turn would come next. It never came. Slowly but surely, who I was eroded into someone I did not recognize. I could not sustain it anymore. The lies and the veneer had to stop. I was too scared to show up and be seen. The fear overwhelmed me. So, why am I blogging about this?
I’m not hiding anymore.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 26th, 2025 | Comments Off on Feeling Lots of Gratitude
Although I have been at the university for 7-years, I am term faculty. My role at the university is primarily teaching with an 80-20 position, that is, I am teaching 80% of the time and 20% is service. I was recently renewed with a 3-year contract and I am very excited about the next three years in terms of what I will learn and accomplish. Research is not explicitly part of my position, per se, but I continue to hold the rank of Assistant Professor and would like to learn more about research. Today, I attended a session at the university designed for “early career researchers” or ECR. This initiative is a partnership between the Office of Research and Innovation, Faculty of Human and Health Sciences, and the Health Research Institute. The School of Education is part of the Faculty of Human and Health Sciences, so I am able to attend these events. This session was my second ECR gathering, and both times they hosted a panel and I’ve attended the sessions in-person. I am so grateful for these sessions.
What I have enjoyed and appreciated about the ECR gatherings is the way the host and panel members can humanize and demystify the research process and expectations. I felt at ease during these sessions and I cannot express the value of having very seasoned researchers describe h0w they approach grant deadlines and research writing in today’s session. The stories were very relatable and their words of wisdom and advice were well taken. I did not expect to take notes, but I did. Also, I found myself very inspired to look at some of my work and move forward with some pieces and not procrastinate any longer. Honour your writing time, find peers to provide feedback, and submit grant applications in early were a few tips that I took to heart. It took a few years to figure out the university work culture in comparison to K-12 schools, and I feel the timing of these gatherings have been serendipitous.
No shame. Ask questions. Focus on the learning. Makes sense. I loved how panel members shared their personal stories, professional experiences, and pertinent examples to answer a series of questions set prior to the gathering. I felt very connected with their candidness and compelled to return back to my work. We all feel imposter syndrome and knowing that this is a normal occurrence, it created and invitation to try. Members participating online and in-person also asked questions that related to former documents, GRA hirings, and participation in review committees. It’s amazing to think that 1/3 of the faculty members at the university are ECR’s or new to the university. These ECR gatherings are timely and responsive to what new researchers need. Finally, my guard was disarmed when they promoted and encouraged folks to participate (and re-participate) in writing retreats, grant writing workshops, and communication with the Office of Research and Innovation. EVERYONE WANTS TO HELP. A wonderful message. I feel motivated to keep going.
Thank you to the Office of Research and Innovation, Faculty of Human and Health Sciences, and Health Research Institute!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 23rd, 2025 | Comments Off on Feeling Inspired and Motivated
While I was enjoy my pandemic lifestyle, I reached out to a few friends to make plans to go out for coffee or go for a walk to get outside and do what people do… connect and socialize. This morning, I met up with a friend at a local coffee shop. We often have really good chats and moments to update one another on what’s happening in our lives. Today, I was describing a moment that totally frustrated me and noted to my friend that I was very angry about the situation. I even shared a short story of my kid hanging up on me from a FaceTime call yesterday because I was not in the right headspace to talk. Anyway, she said to me that it was really refreshing for her to hear that I was angry. She said that I am often FLAT. Hmm… she is not wrong, but dang, it’s also refreshing to have friends who are willing to speak truth and share their observations. Her comment got me reflecting in real time and I could not deny her claims and her observations. She was not wrong. I would like to believe that she was, but I did admit that I do show myself, but likely about 20% of who I really am. She said that I’ve been flat ever since she has known me, which is about 7 years. Huh. Again, she is not wrong. Inside, I might have felt erratic, disoriented, and out of control (most times), but I really tried to MUTE myself from showing what was really happening on the inside and put blame on what was happening on the outside. The blame was misplaced, but I was trying to numb myself from the pain and fear, so much so, I could not express who I really was. Again, I was not putting out to the world a fake-self. I only showed what I thought people wanted to see or a veneer that made it seem like everything was ok and don’t think otherwise. Wow. Looking back 7 years (and beyond), there was a lot happening and I was unwilling to feel what I needed to feel (and express those feelings) to myself or others. I did not want people to see what was really happening, thus see who I really was. I often need approval or validation of who I was, based on what I was doing or titles I held. I had no idea how to be myself. I don’t think this was a 7-year old problem or a 20-year problem. It might be a 50+ year old problem, one that I had created as a young child. I look at old photos of myself, as a kid, a young adult, and somewhat old adult… I don’t look happy. I was not happy. I was trying to be someone who I was not for decades (aka., half a century). That’s a long time!! My friend did verify that I do like the COVID-lifestyle of staying at home, being alone, and enjoying the peace and quiet. That brought me some solace. I had always thought I was an extroverted person, but maybe I thought I had to be one. I’m not sure, but I’m noticing. I loved having coffee out (and reconnecting to the real-world), but I also love just being at home with my cat, making myself a meal at home, and taking the time to work from home. I feel very lucky to do what I do. It also feels good to feel. When I felt angry, I could also feel joy. It felt great!! I was reminded by Brené Brown’s 20 tonne shield and suppressing my feelings. I was numbing my feelings, but by doing that, I can’t feel the good feelings as well as the bad ones. I was not prepared to be vulnerable, thus I did not want people to see who I really am. I was not sure if I really wanted to see who I am. I am still trying to figure that out. That said, I am grateful that my friend also said that it was good for her to see a bit more of who I am and that she was happy to see that I could be angry. It’s healthy. I do feel this is who I am… emotional, introverted, unstructured, and intuitive. I just never trusted it, nor believed that these qualities could be valued by my parents, peers, or myself. Hmm. I’m left with many emotions and I am driven to learn more about myself. I think that I might try out Myers-Briggs again. Twenty-five years ago, my preferences were ESTJ. I lived that way for many years. I was a high school mathematics teacher. How else was I supposed to be? (15 minute break). Damn. I just completed the Myers-Briggs test online and tried to answer the questions based on what I would do today. As anticipated… the results were INFP… the exact opposite. As I started to read the FREE content, it’s not wrong. I had also learned in my Master of Education course that in your older years, you are likely to become or seek the opposite preferences. So here I am. Voilà. A steady stream of consciousness for today’s blog post. It was unsolicited, and inspired.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 15th, 2025 | Comments Off on Feeling Anger and Joy
I know that it’s not quite the weekend to contribute to my weekly blog, but I am also in a place of choosing not to maintain two blogs (for now) and moving returning to the idea of blogging inspired thoughts and feelings. So, here we are. I realize that it is in the middle of the spring/summer term and there has been plenty of time to “get some writing done.” Admittedly, I like a little pressure too, and I’m feeling it right now, but in a good way. I have my contract renewed for 3 more years and endured a bit of coaching from the dean. I found the conversation very helpful, but also I feel that I am still learning about who I am and what I want to achieve. I think I’m getting there.
Slowly but surely, I’m getting things “off my plate” and I feel committed that July is the month where lots will get done, even though I am realizing that everything takes a bit more time than expected. I am ok with that, especially when I have some time. It’s hard to accept that idea when everything is super busy and I am 100% focussed on teaching. I can’t say that I was not working on research this term. I have been. My colleague and I co-applied for an internal grant, I presented 4-times at Congress, and I have done quite a bit of work for the Climate Education for Teacher Education research project in terms of workshops, interviews, reflections, meetings, focus groups, and editing/contributing to manuscripts. I should not underestimate or overlook some of the things I am doing this teaching-free term. I’m learning lots.
I am also doing a few projects for the program, so that will take some of my time too. Because I am not a tenure-track or tenured faculty member, research is not really expected from me. That was a learning that was just recently confirmed, so because I am engaged in research as an 80-20 faculty member, I am exceeding expectations. I had no idea. I thought that I had to do what everyone else is doing, but they are 40-40-20. Intuitively I knew that and felt that, but to get some clarity on that was so wonderful and liberating. I am so grateful that whatever I am doing this spring/summer term is because I want to do it and knowing that feels great.
There are other projects I am working on and one of them was making revisions to another manuscript that I have been working on with colleagues for a couple of years. I have hopes of sending the revisions and a chart of all that we have changed and accomplished to the editor some time today. I am very excited about doing that, hence the blog post, I suppose. We worked very hard on that manuscript and because my headspace is in a different place from where I was a couple of years ago, I had the confidence and sense of self-efficacy to edit the manuscript in a way that made sense to me. Again, liberating and exhilarating. I am really enjoying the process and a colleague and I have co-edited the piece such that I feel very satisfied in sending it back to the editor. We established so much clarity in this document such that I believe it is publishable. I am so grateful to the peer review, the feedback, and the editor. This whole writing process is about LEARNING, humility, and growth.
I have submitted a conference application for a small group of us to speak at a local conference and finished writing a chapter proposal for another small group to hopefully pursue in the fall. I hope we get accepted for both. Finally, I have been with with another small group and we are currently working on the revisions of an ethics application. I need to take my time on this one and I am the Principal Investigator. If the chapter proposal goes well, I will the Principal Investigator on another project. Moreover, I have a book review to do, I have 2 conference proceedings to write, I have one program evaluation I would like to do, and I feel very lucky to do what I do. I have a healthy amount of work to address and it’s everything I am interested in.
I look forward to next steps. I am fascinated by the whole of idea of my joy being on the other side of fear. The fear was fierce, but with each step, I am realizing that I am able to do it, I want to do it, and I have fun do it. Research and the Scholarship of Teaching is 100% aligned to who I am as an educator and researcher. There are other manuscripts that need completion, revision, and re-invigoration… but I am excited about that too. I feel good sitting here in my writing spot (and I have another one) in my home and feeling optimistic of what’s next to come. Publications is not the goal, but rather, it’s a natural outcome from doing what I LOVE to do. How lucky am I?
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 09th, 2025 | Comments Off on Shifting Gears to Research
I will say, imposter syndrome is REAL. Understanding my worth is CHALLENGING. And, being ok with rejection is NORMAL. Wow. It has taken me a load of time to figure this out, but I guess that is the journey. I am sitting here on a Friday night, looking out my window and watching a thunder and lightning storm. The metaphor did not escape me. Big changes are a happening, and it’s taken me a long time to accept who I am, love who I am, and love the work that I do. I guess I am going to cite Brené Brown again to say that “I am enough.” I do remember the words of my supervisor saying, “we don’t give out doctorates to anybody… you’ve earned it.” (PS. may not be the exact words, but it’s close).
