April 14, 2024 – Developing an Expertise & Finding My Joy
Gosh. I looked for this photo on Facebook. I have a memory of this day and it turned out that it was a photo that was posted by one of my former Math 12/Calculus 12 students. I didn’t even read (or remember) the comments that were attached to this photo and others. It seemed like the conversations that I would have with others students I’ve taught (i.e., in teacher education and graduate studies). I was reminded that this is the kind of relationship that I would like to have with my students (e.g., relational, relatable, and fun-loving), but I was also reminded how I never stopped to “smell the flowers.” I could never appreciate or accept a compliment. I always strived to do more. I’m not sure what that mindset was about, but it has landed me where I am today. Right now, I am focused on slowing down and noticing… and appreciating.
Look at this photo… it’s from January 21, 2008. Aside from being a photo taken almost 2-decades ago and I’m teaching high school mathematics, not much has changed. I see my Mac products (e.g., iMac and iPod), I am wearing Lululemon pants nest to my Lulu bag, and I have a cup of coffee on my desk. My walls are cluttered with images of and from students a well as some art created by my kid. I think she was 4-years old at the time. I have shelves and shelves of books. There is some level of order with my level of disorder. And this phot was taken by a former student (and posted by my former student). I really enjoyed looking for this image, thinking about what brings me joy, and reading the comments that complemented them. They made me smile and laugh. I think about this moment in time and… I was happy. Life was good.
I’ve been thinking lately about building my expertise and what do I love. One thing that I do notice is my love for teaching math. I would not say that I am a math expertise of math subject specialist, but I’ve had a healthy career in math education and I loved teaching my numeracy class in addition to attending any professional development sessions in math education. I do have find joy in this area, but not as an expert, but more as a learner and facilitator. There is nothing I am more passionate about, that is, for math efficacy. How does one develop this sense of self-efficacy in math, as a learner and educator. Understanding this has been the underpinning and inspiration of my dissertation and maybe this is my catalyst to return to that work.
My kid mentioned to me that she would be ok with me pursuing another PhD, but in math education. Her comment and generosity brought me so much joy. Now that I am learning more about myself and what brings me joy, pursuing further studies has been very attractive to me. I was looking at an online MEd program, a PhD in person program, or a certificate program abroad. The cost will be about the same for each program, but what is clear to me is, this is what I love to do. I have so much to learn and I need to navigate my next steps that are more focused and aligned to what I love and brings me joy. I know that I can do this work and I what I need to do is to delve back into my doctoral research in conjunction with my autoethnography. They will work together and I am excited for the spring/summer term to explore this further.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, April 14th, 2024 | Comments Off on Furthering My Studies
March 31, 2024 – How can you understand your self-worth?
My daughter and I went out for lunch yesterday. It’s Easter long weekend and I really wanted to spend some time with her. In my family, when I was growing up, spending time with family (and showing love) was to go out for lunch or dinner. Initially, I wanted to go out for a big breakfast, but my daughter had other plans. It’s not that I’m trying to please her, per se, but I wanted to have a good time with her. Anyway, we landed on Chinese food. We went to the Fortune House near where we live in Prince George. This restaurant was a bit of a find for us. It’s not a restaurant that serves Chinese and Japanese food. It’s just Chinese food. Albeit, it’s “Canadian” Chinese, there is a small section on the menu that serves Cantonese style food.
We like to order the Cantonese style seafood chow mein, which is the food pic above. They make it really well and it reminds of of the special chow mein we used to order when I was a kid from Galaxy Gardens in Prince Rupert. We also ordered another noodle dish and chicken and cream corn soup. It was a fulsome meal and we had lots of left overs too. Makes for an awesome part two for dinner. Anyway, this blog post is not about what we ate for lunch, but rather what I am learning. Having this meal reminded me that food is one of the only connections I have to my heritage, family, and culture. I am reminded of my mom and how important it was for her to gather around the table to share food, stories, and memories. I have fond memories of this.
I am listening to an audiobook titled, WORTHY. Yes, I was drawn to this book after watching a Reel and Oprah Winfrey was talking to the author of this book. I may have took it as a sign and started listening to it. I just finished Chapter 1 and I am left thinking about my ethnic identity and sense of self. The first chapter of this book attempts to differentiate the difference between self-worth and self-confidence. In essence, self-confidence is dependent on life’s events, accomplishments, and failures. Self-worth is independent from external forces. One’s sense of self-worth comes from the inside and is resilient to the ups and downs of life. What I was left wondering about is, if I denied my ethnic identity for decades, what is my sense of self-worth?
On reflection, I spent much time trying to prove myself to possibly earn the respect that my siblings had or be seen for the accomplishments I’ve achieved to be accepted or belong. What I am realizing is, I had it all wrong. Much of my need to belong, I am learning, stems from my relationships and how I responded to different people in my life. I am dodging naming who and what is, but I have been stepping away from myself for a very long time such that my sense of self-worth was not existent because I believed my self-worth was dependent on what people thought of me. What a mess!! Self-confidence and achievement do not equate to one’s self-worth. Understanding this difference and unpacking my ethnic identity as an Chinese Canadian are helping me to understand an appreciate my self-worth. I am happy.
The more moments I have to reflect on life to make sense of the world and who I am, I am compelled to pursue my research program under the umbrella of an autoethnography, focused on a research question relating to belonging. This work connects to my other research interests in mathematics education, teacher education, and educational leadership. In these contexts, I am engaging in the following research methodologies: survey methods, design-based research, self-study, program evaluation, and community-based action research. I am super excited to embark on next steps now knowing that self-worth is not the same as self-confidence. To connect to my experiences with my ethnic identity, the opinions of others do not define my self-worth. I am a good person. I am Chinese. I am worthy.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 31st, 2024 | Comments Off on Self-Worth is Independent
I started to write about this topic last week but felt like I was hypothesizing so abandoned my approach to that blog post. Call it irony or serendipity, the hypothetical became true. I am injured. I spared last night for another team. I didn’t stretch and gradually my left hip and right Achilles heel felt strained. Throwing rocks became impossible. At that point, I saw the clear alignment between the mental game and the physical game. By the end of the game, I had neither. I’m disheartened.
Pain denial is real. I did not want to believe that I was not feeling my best after a couple of ends of play, but persisted and continued to play. Over time, I could not concentrate on my shot mid-slide. It was kind of a “crap-shoot” by the time I released the rock and I hoped for the best. The quality of my play rapidly declined as the game progressed. I was feeling horrible… physically and emotionally. A strong start… lead to a “meh” end. We lost the game. We gave the other team a 4-ender. I played third, and again, I felt out of place. Lots to reflect on from sparing in this curling game.
There is no better learning than the counterexample. I learned that lesson from Dr. Peter Liljedahl in math education. Here we are at the counterexample. I took some Advil last night and a hot bath to warm up after the game before going for bed. I had hoped to wake up this morning with a new outlook… and no pain. Nope. That wish was not meant to be. I woke and send a text message to my Friday night team that I could not play due to injury. I needed a spare. What is disappointing about not playing tonight, besides not playing, is that tonight is our last night of play in this year’s curling season. Luckily, my injured skip said that he is willing to return to the game tonight. Whew. This news brought me some solace. I’ll be watching tonight.
Although this is not the way I wanted to end the curling season, I am so grateful for all of the lessons I am experiencing and learning from. As mentioned, I am out of the game tonight due to an injury. I had to swallow my pride and park my ego to ask for help… a spare for tonight’s game. If I was true to myself, I have to be vulnerable and honest with how I am feeling and act accordingly. Asking for help is humbling. You don’t know how it will turn out, but trusting in oneself, the outcome will always surprise you. I guess this is surrendering to the situation. You can’t control the outcome. I can’t make myself feel better (i.e., heal my injuries overnight). What I can control are my actions. I had to ask for help. I am so grateful that it’s my skip.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 22nd, 2024 | Comments Off on Calling for a Spare
March 19, 2024 – Grateful for My Health and Healthcare
A late post, indeed. It’s the middle of the night and it’s a late weekly post. Although this blog was not meant to be a weekly contribution, nor will it be a daily post because I need time to think and reflect, I like to have something written at least once a week. What I am learning is, I need to reflect (and learn) before moving onto the next. I am noticing and honouring this trait and tradition I have made for myself. Thinking about Parker Palmer and self-knowledge, the more I learn and understand about myself, in addition to the subject matter and students, the better I will be at my practice. I am so grateful to connect with some former students and colleagues. I am making time to meet with folks who “fill my cup” and hopefully I do the same for them. If anything, I need to do what’s best for me so that I can serve others.
Today, I was relishing in my #OneWord2024 (HAPPY). I am taking the time and deliberate practice on what makes me happy. I love watching curling on TV. I love playing curling on Friday nights. I love beading on Thursday nights at the art gallery. I love connecting with folks in my learning community. I love being with my kid. I love eating dumplings. I love watching Hallmark movies. I love blogging. I am learning lots about myself and taking the time to engage in these activities. What I learned today is, I love health practitioners and healthcare system. Much of what I’ve been focused on is my mental and spiritual health. I spent very little time on my physical health even though I know it is interrelated with the latter. Willingly or not willingly, I have been deferring and referring to the medical profession for help and assistance.
I take some medication that I have to renew my prescription every 3-months, I have been maintaining my dental health and appointments (with full intentions of flossing everyday), and I have been experiencing some symptoms and conditions that need some tending do. Although I am not being specific with my medical condition in my public blog, I did get a couple of referrals last year and now I am hearing back from some medical professionals. Over the last couple of weeks, I received some phone calls and had a phone consultation and in person consultation. I was so pleased to get these calls and grateful to be taking some action to address some my health issues. Today, I got good news too. I could not be happier. To ask and accept help from health professionals, I am going to feel and be much better… physically.
Body, mind, and spirit… I was wondering how all three would come together for me. Now, I understand. I am also learning how to go to the gym on a regular basis, but also return to a workload that is doable, joyful, and productive. What I learning is about the importance of being CONSISTENT. Although this blog post is not exactly about my autoethnography on “the perfect curling shot.” It’ is focussed on this key word of being consistent. That word struck me after one of my curling games this season. We won the game. I was skipping and our spare curled third. My skip is injured. The team I am skipping have a good synergy or balance that is tough to describe to create, but when you have it… magic happens. For us, it’s curling and being consistent. After winning one of these games, one of the players for the other team shook my hand and told me that I was consistent. I took the complement.
What I should notice is, you can’t play if you’re injured. You play your best when everyone on the team is focused on learning and making the best of every shot. And, what I learned from my last game, getting down on teammates, judging others (or self) in negative ways, and blaming others or getting frustrated negatively impacts one’s performance. I am not saying that this is what happened on my team last week (but have done so at other times and with other teams), I observed that in our opponents. I’m not judging them but merely noticing and recognize that behaviour. Admittedly, I would not got to the doctor’s or healthcare if I did not have to or think that I had too. I was too worried about being judged or worried about what I would learn. I was definitely in denial. Instead of things getting better, they got worse. I guess this is how today’s news impacts my curling metaphor. Get help to be better.
In the end, what I have learned is, asking and getting the help I need, regardless of how scary I may perceive this experience and future experiences, people want to help, they can help, and I need the help. I am going to feel better. I have never felt happier. I feel optimistic and hopeful. I cannot wait for next steps and I look forward to what life will be like when I have some of my health issues remedied and/or managed. It feels good to have access to this help and I feel privileged and humbled to get this help. Thank you health professionals for your expertise, kindness, and compassion. I am grateful to have access to health care to become a better me.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 20th, 2024 | Comments Off on A Late Post
I’m not sure how it happens, but it’s a thought pops into my head that brings some solace and peace into my heart and mind. I’m not sure what all of the deliberation entails, but often it involves something very important to me. During the deliberation process, I’m left in limbo. It’s not a great place to be, but as one person said to me during beading… COMMIT. This is so true. I know that the context at the time was beading at the art gallery and it was about committing to the bead and process, but it resonated with me in ways that lingered and challenged me to make a decision.
My blogging on this WordPress site will explore my learning from curling, beading, and experiences with my mom during her last 20-days. I am feeling more invested in exploring autoethnography and using this platform to document some of my learning and reflections as I work towards a formal study on myself, my practice, and ethnic identity. I am drawn to the idea of identity development (mine in particular) and how our lived experiences formed who we are, what directions we choose to take in life, and what’s important to us in terms of our personal and professional lives.
I started my research program with much tentativeness as well as moving forward with publishing its results. Now with the discovery of the methodology of authoethnography and developing a research question that resonates with me deeply, I knowingly or unknowingly made a connection to my dissertation on non-mathematics specialist teachers, program evaluations in teacher education, and recent work looking at decolonization and my ethnic identity. I did not think it would be possible to bring these ideas together, but I found the thread that ties them.
When I realized that, my mind drifts to the next question about my career and next steps. Part of that depends on where I live. At first, I did not expect to live in Prince George, but I’ve been here for almost 6 years (minus 2-years due to the pandemic and remote learning). Lots of what I’ve been upacking is what’s best for me and what do I want to really do. I am so grateful to take a moment to step back and look to reflect on what that might be. Now that I am unravelling my own “imposter syndrome” symptoms and the “need to please” others, the answer became clear.
I’m deciding to stay. There are challenges, but there are also many sources of joy. When I consider both, the joy outweighs any adversity and perceived obstacles. I am open to any outcome and understand that nothing is permanent or forever. I am learning this the hard way and in many ways. What is certain is making a decision. I am making the commitment and in doing so, I have so much clarity now such that my motivation and excitement are unleashed. I feel free and open to the challenges that are in front of me and ones that I will be looking for very soon to keep learning.
I have not felt this excited in awhile and I am going to take those next steps to make things possible for me. I am my only agent and advocate. I am learning this and I am stoked to make more decisions to stoke my fire. Where I was going to live and make a commitment to weighed on me for quite some time and have been swayed in different directions for many reasons. What I do know is, I feel happy, I’m excited, and I’m ready to live, take risks, and play. How can I be so lucky to do what I get to do and I am so grateful for my friends and family who support me and lift me up.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 11th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making a Decision
Holy moly… Yesterday, my site had ZERO attempts to log into my account. Over the last 24-hours, I had 1800+ attempts. Was it something I said? I changed the title of my last blog post and let’s see how that goes. The last thing I want are bots attempting to get into my WordPress site. I just finally gained access to it (by accident). I almost gave up this site because my access to this site was limited and deteriorating with each update. Not that I have regained access to my site, I never want to let it go. LOL. It was a nice reunion with my WordPress site a few months ago. I hope the number of attempts reduce over time, but my last post was an epiphany, so I can see why folks (or bots) might be attracted to my site. LOL. Just a side thought. Who knows? TBD.
I love this photo. There is nothing more comforting (to me) than a hot bowl of pho. It’s one of my most favourite things to eat and I feel lucky that there is a place in Prince George I can go to and seek this moment of solace. I love the service and I love the familiarity. And, it was delicious. I am finally feeling like myself. I feel rested. I feel aligned to who I am. Ironically, I’m getting a bit dozy writing this blog post, but I woke this morning feeling like I’m rested. Most times I wake feeling tired or anxious. Today, was a good feeling. I made breakfast (refried rice and a sunny side up egg with soy sauce) and had a hot cup of coffee. Ahhhh… my favourite things again (although I would have loved a piece of Spam, but the body can no longer have it… #sadness).
Saturdays… (aka. be a person day)… I recycled, cleaned the house, grocery shopped, vacuumed, and dusted… I’m blogging, watching the Brier or Hallmark movie, and taking the time to make a yummy lunch (i.e., a bagel with cream cheese and lox, a sliced orange, and a diet coke). It’s the first time in a long time that I feel like I’m myself. What a weird thing to say. I feel at peace. I don’t feel like I’m in the hustle and I feel aligned to who I am. I love that I get to think about what platform I would use to document my “stories” to explore the methodology of autoethnography or to pause and think about the “pile of marking” I need to accomplish and complete in the near future. I feel good about this place and way of being. Focus the curling shot… that’s it.
I can appreciate the little things. I’m no longer scared or worried about what people think or will do. I don’t feel compelled to impress anyone, nor do I feel motivated to limit myself or be someone who I am not. I think about my autoethnography of “the perfect curling shot”… none of these factors matter. What matters is knowing the shot you want to throw, executing the technical aspects of the delivery, and staying within the moment to achieve the shot. Moreover, your team also have to be on board with the shot. As soon as there is any self-doubt, worrying about the outcome, or thinking about the opponent in that moment of making the shot, you’ve missed the shot.
The last few weeks have been transformative and I am feeling like my 13-year old self alive an well. I have to admit, this journey of understanding myself (or finding myself) has been one with may up and downs. If anything, you have to have those tough conversations, connect with friends and family, forgive and have compassion for self and others. Huge vulnerability is required as well as a piece of humble pie. I am more about myself and therefore I am learning more about my teaching practice, which in turn contributes to my research program. The goal is to find the goods internal to the practice. I am learning and think I found it. And much like curling, stay consistent.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 02nd, 2024 | Comments Off on Feeling Rested
I took a hot moment to look for these photos. I looked through my photos, Facebook photos, then back to my photos again. I posted this image onto my Facebook page on February 20, 2020. I had this conversation right before the pandemic. Can you believe that? It’s been more than 4-years ago and this image and conversation had a huge impact on me. It’s almost like I just finished “my degree” in figuring out my research agenda and program. Does that sound pathetic or heroic? Doesn’t matter. I have arrived. It took immense change and unravelling.
As I blog on February 29, 2024, Leap Year, everything that has happened since that conversation I had four-years ago (and then some) led to this very moment. Much like the first image, that’s how life (and my research agenda) had been. Moments or pieces that did not seem to quite fit together. At the time, I was also too busy trying not be be myself. That’s another blog post (which has probably popped up here and there already in my blog, but I’m more awake to it today). I don’t want to discredit any of these individual moments and research/writing opportunities. They are all valid and in their own way valuable. It’s funny to hear my write that statement… “all valuable”… because I’ve been “so lost” with my work that I did not value my own dissertation. It’s silly to say that out loud, but I am more motivated than ever to return to that work and continue investigating my doctoral research at the university.
Wow. It feels so different when I don’t feel like I have to impress (or please anyone) but myself. I get that now. I had a conversation a couple of years ago about being “selfish” and I never understood what that actually meant in the context of academia until recently. I feel more calmer, more confident, and more certain with the direction I want to take. I guess this is where “boundaries” come into play. It’s super difficult to create boundaries, thus make decisions, if you do not know what you value, what’s important to you, and what direction you are heading in. Hmm… I’ve been finding a lot of solace lately with life and work events. I don’t mean to separate the two worlds. They are both interconnected. I will say, I’ve had some catalytic and transformative conversations lately and reached a “tipping point” to move forward and take action.
One of those conversations happened this week, which interrelates to the one I had 2-years ago and 4-years ago. It’s been on my mind for quite some time and I’ve been wanting to find some resolution or clarity to the matter. These glass beads were meant to represent my research program. I have all of these different and wonderful things that I’ve been working on and been interested in, but there was no apparent thread that seemed to tie them together. From time to time, I tried to piece the beads together. It’s like puzzle pieces. You can’t force pieces to fit together. Then I had a wonderful conversation with a new colleague and I was talking about my family, recent experiences, and “the perfect curling shot.” She said I should consider AUTOETHNOGRAPHY as a methodology for research. I was so drawn to this idea that I looked it up the next day and started doodling. The premise of this methodology aligns well with “the perfect curling shot” but also with everything else (separately).
Everything seemed to fall into place (see image below) and the “perfect curling shot” is a counterexample to everything else. It’s the north star, shall we say, and I found a connection with the rest of the beads (and my life) by creating a research question that ties it all together. I just made sense to me, all of a sudden. I’ve found some peace and feel a lot of joy and wonder. I did it. Although I’m not going to disclose my research question quite yet, I will learn more about this methodology and write about the “perfect curling shot.” I love the idea of learning and understanding more about culture through the lens of our own experiences. I can see a very fulsome research agenda and program and I am stoked to delve in. Some of this delving involves reading and writing everyday. I can do that!! #leapyear2024
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 29th, 2024 | Comments Off on A New Methodology
March 22, 2024 – Injured
