Feeling Like Home

Week 141 – November 26, 2022 – The Mild Weather

It’s hard to believe that it’s almost December in the Central Interior and it’s raining. I’m not complaining. The wind, rain, and clouds remind me of a west coast winter. No worries though, it will be in the -20’s next week, but I will indulge for a moment while this mild weather persists for a few more days. This weather keeps me in my Crocs.

I’ve been having quite a week, but every week seems to be quite a week. This school year is has been about doing things for myself, understanding my joy, and being authentic to who I am as a person and practitioner. It’s not like I was “not like myself” but I have done lots of things in my life to impress or please others. Not this year.

I’m not angry or vengeful, but I am more like content and joyful. This is the first time in a long time when I have felt like I am doing things for me, but not in a “selfish” way. It’s more like, I’m listening to my heart and feeling somewhat indulgent to do something for me because I deserve to live my best life and enjoy my time here.

There was a recent current event this week that happened in my hometown of Prince Rupert. My childhood friend, Patty Forman, was killed by her ex-fiancé at her workplace. I am just horrified and saddened. I remember going to her house as a child and I have class photos with her and she came over to my 5th birthday party.

When I saw my social media feed “blow up,” I wondered if the person who was shot was someone that I knew. It was so weird to hear the news from someone on FB Messenger who reached out to me to let me know. UGH. There are no words. People from my grad class gathered online to mourn and remember Patty in a good way.

I was brought to my knees asking myself what life was all about. I’m so spooked because I remember her Facebook profile pic just being updated the night before. She did not know. It just happened and I just heard from my friend that her death was not instant, but people tried to save her life for about 30-minutes before she passed away.

This event sickens me. The killer shot himself but was not declared dead until he was at hospital when he was not able to survive his injuries. I don’t know. Watching the news is painful and almost unbelievable on a daily basis and this is not mentioning the war or extraordinary climate change disasters. People are hurting out there.

I totally get it. Pain is so difficult. I’ve been there. Sometimes you live most of your life such that you’re completely numb to life. Who wants to feel? And when you do, who wants to hurt. But what I’ve learned during my #pandemicreflections and major life events over the last few years is, you only have control over you and your feelings.

I am extremely saddened by the horror of what Patty had to experience on the last few moments of her life. I am reminded that I was taking life for granted and I put myself aside, like I was not important or worthy. I put everyone else first and never stood up to what is true. A teacher candidate taught me that this week as well.

Live your best life. Be good to yourself. Hold people close to you. In the same breath, get rid of anything that is toxic or does not serve you in a good way. Patty was such a good person. People who knew her (based on the various Facebook posts), loved her. Rest In Peace, Patty. You will be greatly missed and I will always remember you.

Understanding My Why

Week 140 – November 19, 2022 – Feeling much gratitude

Wow. 140 weeks. I cannot believe it. The pandemic persists and respiratory illness is on the rise during the winter season. I have (knock on wood) been able to avoid this nasty virus and another other cold or flu bug that may be going around. Let’s hope that my new way of being (somewhat introverted and self-isolating) will work in my favour. I am also figuring out to balance work, life, and rest… while being discerning with what brings me joy (or not). I am also aware of the ebb and tide of life. This may include people, work, and way of being. People come and go. Work persists but always changing. And, walking forward through life to figure what’s up or down.

I have to say that I don’t know why I often avoid what works for me. For example, I started this blog entry yesterday, but here I am on a Saturday night (or late afternoon) to write my blog entry with a clear mind and open heart. Honestly, this is the right time. Accept. Allow. Why do I resist things like this? Seems odd. I guess it’s a form of surrendering. For most of my life I’ve spent it doing things that. Do things that people said I should not do or could not do. I almost consider it a challenge, but ironically I end up doing that I don’t want to do to prove someone wrong or to please them. How miserable this that existence? It is. And, it’s awful when you lose yourself doing it.

My life turned around in many ways in the last 5-years. I completed my doctorate (finally), my mom passed away, I moved to a new town, my marriage ended, and I was trying to impress people by being someone I never was. How can I sell myself and my strengths when I’m not even doing anything for myself. It was not a way to live, but I also think that everything that has happened was to get me where I am. What I understand now is, I can do what I love. I can be authentic and who I am. I can care and love my students in ways such that all I want is their success. It’s not about me, but it’s all about people I serve and support. I am now living MY WHY.

What an incredible feeling. I don’t have to announce anything or seek approval from others to validate my actions. I just have to be true to myself and what I experience and witness will provide the feedback I need to know if I’m on the right track or not. I have to say, the last year and a 16-months has been the most transformative. I drove away from my life of 25-years and moved (back) into my apartment with my kid. I love being and living with my kid and together we have been creating a new life. She’s now in nursing school and I’m a full-time Assistant Professor (80/20 teaching and service). We share a car and I am starting life all over again. I am not sad.

The people who are currently playing a big role in my pedagogical journey are my students. They have been amazing and I am so humbled and grateful that each of them are walking beside me on this journey. I could not ask for anything more. At times I don’t believe it. As a result, I question myself and my work. That self-doubt only lasts for a few seconds now, but I am so grateful for my students (and former ones) who have helped me to be the person I am today. They have been amazing. I do seek help from friends and those who informally mentor, but the students have been most affirming. The conversations we’ve had and how classes go… are awesome.

I’ve had an amazing week and every moment of joy had something to do with my kid, my students, or doing things that I love. What can I say? I love connection, community, and collaboration. These 3 C’s are at the core of who I am and ultimately frames my research program. I spent a VERY LONG TIME figuring out what’s really important to me, especially over the last 140 weeks of the COVID-19 pandemic. I think I get it and there is nothing I want more than to do things I love. It’s taking some practice to listen to myself and to follow my intuition, but I will get better at this over time. I’m brought back to my dissertation and DELIBERATE PRACTICE. I can do this.

Thank you students, critical friends, and my family for being there for me. I learn so much from each of you and I feel like I am the person I was always meant to be.

Living with Gratitude

Week 139 – November 12, 2022 – Sustainability & Grit

Oh my. Thank goodness for a long weekend. I needed a break. For the last two nights, I took liberty and indulged in a full-night’s sleep (and napped periodically during the day in my LazyBoy chair under my electric blanket). I really appreciate rest and enjoy “being a person.” I think I’m caught up on food shopping. My apartment is clean (except my kid’s bedroom… that’s her responsibility). And, I have recycled, dishes are being washed, and I’m cooking at home (as often as I can). I even woke this morning and opted to get back on the WW train, not for weight loss, but for health reasons.

I am brought back to my academic coaching over the summer and I am reminded of the ongoing theme of SUSTAINABILITY. What is sustainable? What are my goals? What am I willing and wanting to do? The other thing I am reminded of is doing less service work as I need to focus on my research work (even though I don’t get paid for that) and my teaching (which is extraordinary to maintain 5 courses in one term). No one blinks but it is something that I have to do (and want to do) to move forward in this industry of higher education, academia, and research. I need to make the time.

What I am realizing is, I can’t be tired or feel like I’m in crisis such that I’m only reacting. To be present, I need to feel rested and I need to be healthy. I will admit, I have never felt better emotionally and spiritually, but I really noticed during my curling game last night that I was on top of my game. I was not going to let the opponent’s grief or havoc affect how I was feeling and the quality of my play. They were not the most positive at moments during the game and I had to be clear about my boundaries, internally and externally. Thank goodness for rules in the game.

I was also brought into reflection during the game thinking to myself that I’ve been here before. The feelings were familiar. The difference was I would pause, support my team, and play my best (as I was ignoring the opponent, while being pleasant). I was not going to let them play into my sense of self efficacy and my performance. It was clear that I have to bring that mindset and way of being into my work and relationships. It’s ok for me to feel confident, be firm, and set clear boundaries. I don’t have to justify my actions, as long as I am playing within the rules of the game.

Gosh, I am so grateful for CURLING. I’ve learned so much about life and leadership from curling, and I appreciate that I continue to learn from the game. Even though it was only a game last night, it was a discrete life lesson of what’s possible and what I am able to do. I am strong and I can stand up for myself. I can live with my integrity without having to question or self-doubt myself (as long as I willing accept full responsibility of the consequences and treat people with respect and compassion). I don’t have to compromise for the soul purpose of connection. I’m better than that.

I reached my max on Thursday, then attended a university sports fundraising event that night to the keynote speaker, Kaleb Dahlgren, best selling author and survivor of the Humboldt Broncos. His story was compelling and what I had learned from his story was, you are in control of how you respond and react to situations. It’s about perspective and your mindset. “Enjoy the Grind.” I had the opportunity to speak with Kaleb informally after his keynote and I asked him how he knew he was healed. He said, he has no more triggers. I get that. True freedom… and living with gratitude.

Christine Day 2022

Week 138 – November 5, 2022 – An Unexpected Surprise

Yes. This group photo captured on Twitter taken for this blog post. I had no idea this was happening. It caught my by surprise. It’s November 2nd. Not only was it exactly one month after my birthday, so I guess the official end of my birthday month, this was also a day where my class decided to dress up like me. WHY? Lol. What would inspire this? And if you notice, I’m not dressed like me. Unbelievable. I had my course on Halloween with these folks and the class theme for dressing up was GNOMES.

One of the students made me a matching hat for my UNBC sweatshirt of that day and it was super fun that this group is so playful to dress up and collaboratively make a theme. I was also impressed by how this group was so respectful of those who do not dress up for Halloween. It was very inclusive and I hope no one felt out of place. If anyone felt out of place, it would have been me. Halloween is not my favourite days of the year and this crew made it very inclusive and a matter of fact. It was good.

Members of the Education Club also prepped to have a bake sale soon after my class, so many of the students from both cohorts baked the night before to sell bake goods at the Agora foyer area. What a crew. Admittedly, it’s so nice to be back in person for classes. There is something about being in person to connect and create community. Anyway, the reason why I was dressed in Halloween pyjamas was because I had originally planned to wear it for Halloween and on Nov. 1, it was pyjama day for my other students in practicum at K-12 schools because it was the day after Halloween.

I was inspired by the students I spoke to on November 1st to have pyjama day. Why not? It was a last minute thought but it felt right. Every day up until November 2nd I would wear a UNBC sweatshirt, my Crocs, and tights as my “official school wear.” Anyway, I think my class caught onto this formula for fashion and opted to dress up as ME. What I noticed was them looking at me strangely, but also many of them wearing UNBC swag to class. It seemed unusual until they showed me their Crocs.

All I can say is… THANK YOU!!! I am humbled and it made my day. I did not know what do to with this flattering acknowledgement but it affirms to me MY WHY and that staying true to myself, my practice, and my students is the best thing to do. It’s now official everyone. November 2nd is CHRISTINE DAY. Celebrate the day as you feel fit but I am super happy and incredibly joyful. Thank you class. You are awesome!

Be Me

Week 137 – October 30, 2022 – Back to Weekly Blogs

It feels great to get back to the weekly blog. You have to spend the time to honour yourself. Dang. It was a super busy week and I am so grateful not to have to blog during the week. I appreciate taking the time to rest and reflect on the week. I’m back to a good place. I don’t know why I second guess myself, but suppose that this is the journey. If anyone is tracking my blogs, I keep flip flopping to find my perfect flow for writing (at least for blogging and reflecting). At first I started blogging to practice my writing and try out a new platform (that could be public, which it is). Then, I used it to discuss moments for reflection in my practice (and learned a thing or two about FIPPA and digital citizenship). My blog primarily focused on my pedagogical journey. I was in a state of transition when I started over 10 years ago. I found that my blog was a means to share but also to sense-make. I continue to do that with the hopes of other people who may read this blog can learn something or just feel inspired.

The blog evolved over time and I was very interested in Ian Landy and George Couros who committed to a daily blog. I’ve tried several times, but never succeeded. I think the only trait that I am doing with respect to the weekly blog is not editing so much. I am blogging right now through an app because I’ve locked myself out of my blog due to the two-step Authenticator. I changed my phone, did not save the settings (I did not know or realize) and lost the cryptic codes in a move. Gah. That was a whirlwind, but happy to continue blogging through the WordPress App and will continue to do so. The reason why I added security to my blog is because bots or hackers are trying to get into my WordPress account. I’m not sure why anyone would want to take control over my blog and website, but I continue to get notifications of failed log ins. It’s sad. But I am super glad because I can’t get in either. Let’s keep all of us locked out.

Over the last 10+ years, I quit my job teaching math in K-12, I became a school trustee, I completed my doctorate degree, my mom passed away, I got a new job, and I moved cities leaving my kid in the Lower Mainland with my husband at the time. I wanted to give higher education a shot and I remember feeling the constant uncertainty, judgement, and rejection. I was an interesting, disruptive, and very transitional time for me. Lots of things were happening around me and I was never sure what was happening, but wanted to do a good job. The transition was a handful. Over the last few years, COVID-19 was an opportunity to pick up my blog and commit to a weekly blog of pandemic reflections, hence it’s Week 137. I’ve been blogging weekly since the pandemic started and wow, I can’t believe it’s been 137 weeks. During this recent blogging journey, I was wrestling with what really important in my life. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity and luxury to reflect (and work) during the pandemic. I don’t even want to look back at those blogs. I’m a different person.

I am so grateful for the pandemic. I got to meet so many people online (via Zoom)… and I met a bunch of amazing people during the FA strike just before the pandemic. Online remote learning was not my favourite thing to do but it was certainly a test of determining what’s really important to me. And now, I’ve just realized… I am not a COVID-19 stat and my marriage ended during the pandemic. It actually ended before. Huh. That was a good realization. I was separated before the strike and before that school year started. If I was really honest, it ended a long time ago but it took a long time to find myself. The weekly pandemic reflections really helped me to decipher what’s really important. My kid is a highlight and my relationship with my mom was integral to who I am and who I want to be. I’ve struggled with my sense of self-worth and my abilities as an educator, parent/wife, and student. I completely moved away from my home of 25-years, my kid moved with me, and I’ve done a lot of work.

The weekly blog continues, much like the pandemic, but I am shifting my aha and I’m just going to be me. I had a weird occurrence that happened to me last week, but what it made me realize is this: (1) I’ve never been happier; (2) I love living with my kid; (3) I love my work; (4) my marriage was toxic; and, (5) I am good enough. The past year 15-months has been amazing and I understand what’s important to me. I have made excellent friends locally, maintained my very friends from the past, and making connections in my field but from other institutions and communities. I realize that some people will not like me or feel threatened by me (for whatever reason), but I also understand now that I can’t control others and I don’t have to be someone different so that I can belong or fit in. I’m not betraying myself anymore. As much as I love community, connection, and collaboration, I am not abandoning myself and be someone who I think people want me to be to be accepted. I can’t.

Just the other day, I told the skip of my curling team (during our game, of course) that I feel like a local. What a good feeling. I feel like I belong… to me… to this place. I say that, but I was also reminded by my good friend that let the work speak for itself. I am not one to brag or gloat. That’s not my way of being, but I am one to share, teach, and create. I’m going to stick to that formula and see where it takes me. What I do know is, by doing so, I am joyful, happy, and peaceful. I need that. I am that. Yay me. So what I am committed to for the upcoming weekly pandemic blogs is to focus on what I am grateful for, what makes me happy, and what brings me joy. I may have done that from time to time in the past, but what I am doing is staying consistent to how I am blogging. I blog based on how I feel. Right now, I feel great so why not?

Sleep is Good

At the Westin Resort in Whistler, BC

Week 136 – October 22, 2022 – BCAMT Fall Conference

Whew. It was amazing to return back in person to a professional development event, particularly the Provincial Fall Conference for the BC Association of Mathematics Teachers. It was like returning home. I felt reconnected to my roots, that is math educators, and it was great to reunite with so many math educators I was acquainted with before in my past life, with those I know from Twitter (or at least they knew me), and with other folks who have a shared love for math education.

Of course this year’s theme of the conference was “A Space to Belong” and I really felt that with the learning community, the workshops, and the keynote speakers. It was a good place for me to be and I had the pleasure and honour to present Noelle Pepin’s work, Beaded Tweets, and how her presentation in one of my classes (i.e., EDUC 370 – Numeracy Across the Curriculum) had an impact on my students’ understanding of the First Peoples Principles of Learning, BC’s Curriculum, and numeracy across the curriculum via the Math 8 Curricular Competencies. This is the power of beading. I could not believe the amount of prep that was required because I wanted to keep true to Noelle’s work, voice, and intentions and introduce EDUC 370. Overall, the workshop was a success and provided some insight on our upcoming program evaluation (aka., manuscript) about this work.

Whew. I was so glad to present on Friday morning as one of the first set of workshops. It was in a small room and as always, the right people and at the right time was the workshop. The participants were engaged and by the end of the workshop, they were able to bead their own bracelet or keychain. I was very happy with the prep and how the presentation turned out. Great questions and now I think I have a good direction as to who I want to write this program evaluation. I did not realize the value of presentations at conferences to influence and provide feedback on one’s manuscript, but now I am learning that.

After that meeting, I opted to miss the next workshop to prep for my meeting. In turn, I saw through Twitter that the Chancellor and President were being inducted. I could not miss that and was happy to witness most of the event virtually via live video feed. Of course I could not be in two places at once and would have loved to be there in person. Timing was not on my side for attending the event and afternoon convocation ceremony for the 2020 and 2021 graduates, but I was able to watch part of the event virtually. I was happy with that.

My lunch time meeting went well. I was happy again to access a meeting that I could not attend in person but could via Zoom. It’s not perfect but it helped me in some way to be in two places at once. Because of the induction ceremony and my lunch time meeting, I did miss two workshops I would have like to have gone to. These two math educators are not from BC but they do inspire me to be a better (math) educator. I love feeling provoked and engaging in new ideas. I did walk away with a nugget from the opening keynote speaker that I am bringing to my Monday’s class and I had another takeaway from the only other session I attended after my lunch meeting about REVERENCE, the four R’s, Storywork, and the water. I just loved it.

After that afternoon session by the Indigenous Math Network and the good work they are doing, I wondered around Whistler. I returned back to the Cultural Centre. I went there after the opening keynote address with a person I met at the keynote to celebrate the 60th anniversary of Vector, the magazine/journal of the BCAMT. It was an amazing night and I got see and say hello to many friends who are math educators. I just loved it. I felt grounded and reconnected. I needed to do this and be in this place with these people at this time. I am so grateful. Going back the next day after the after workshops was more about going for a walk, seeing the gift shop and museum, and maybe getting something to eat. HELLO? I got salmon chowder and bannock for a late lunch, a smoked salmon panini on bannock to go (for breakfast the next day), and caught the end of the museum tour. I felt that my needs were met.

I had to return back to hotel room to drop off my smoked salmon sandwich and put it into the fridge and spent some free time trying to figure out what to do for the evening. I was so tired from prepping the workshop and lack of sleep, I figured out how the gas fire place worked and opted to order dine-in food for dinner, enjoy the fire, and go to bed early. There is something so satisfying about sleeping in the middle of a king sized bed. I went to bed at 9am with no regrets. Yes, it was my last night in Whistler, but I decided how I wanted to spend my time. The room was beautiful, the dine-in food was delicious and satisfying, and I respected my body and needs for the evening. I did not go out to the social event, even though I saw bits of it on Twitter. I felt so good to rest, not work, and sleep with no worries other than to catch the bus back to the airport in the morning. All is good. Caught the bus. Ate my smoked salmon panini. Made it back home safe, rested, and happy.

Surrender and Smile

Week 135 – October 15, 2022 – just let it go

On my gosh… I have to throw in the white towel. My hands are up. You’ve got me. I surrender. I can get all worked up and get worked up about things happening the way they “should” or just go with the flow, adapt, and just make the best of what is. That’s what I’m doing. This theme of surrendering and letting go relented all week. Alright universe, I’m listening. I’m letting go and feel ok about it. Actually, I feel thankful and relieved.

My first surrender is THIS BLOG. I had full intentions of blogging twice a week with an ambition to blog everyday. Forget it. I’m at the end of the week again with no mid-week blog post. There’s so much to do on a day to day basis as well as many things as I look ahead, increasing my blog frequency is not a priority. I think about what my academic coach has said, the body speaks truth. I did not want to do it, nor did I have time to. That said, I do enjoy the weekly blog and will continue with my #pandemicreflections. I’m good with this.

The second indicator was my EDUC 405 class. We had a guest speaker and tech was not working in my favour. I could not believe it and even having IT to help remedy the problem was not helpful. My class is only 80 minutes and I could feel it slipping away. We decided to move forward as best we could. I was so proud of my students. They were so chill and participated wholeheartedly. I am so grateful for my class. They were even trying to reassure me even though I felt the cortisol accruing in my gut. It was challenging.

The last notification letting me know how to surrender was email, Moodle maintenance, and conference proposals. I have a tonne of things to do with specific timelines and deadlines… and what I am learning is, I can only do one thing at a time and that’s ok. It will get done. My proposals got done at the 11th hour and I feel so much more grounded with email and Moodle addressed. I am also prioritizing sleep, if I can without panicking or “shoulding” myself to do things. Sometimes I may just be tired and sleeping is ok to do.

Slowly but surely things are get by done and I can maintain some sense of sanity and taking those moments to slow down. I have clarity. Today was the municipal election too. I can empathize with all of the candidates. A tough road regardless of outcome. I travelled that road, voted today, and not sad that I walked away from that world. I am happy with what I am doing and I will enjoy every moment. ☺️

Catching Up with EVERYTHING

Blogging in a line up in my fuzzy Crocs.

Weeks 133 and 134 – October 8, 2022 – 3 Blog Posts in One

Oh my… when things catch up with you, you have to do what’s most urgent and everything else is left to the waste side for survival and sanity purposes only. I am learning where I am over committing and under committing. Sadly, I’m such an experiential learner that the immediate feedback from life is so informative (if you’re listening). I’m blogging while in line for an appointment. I need to be intentional with my health, my work, and my life. It’s well into my birthday month and I am realizing that I can’t be racing through life. Every moment and every person matters, me included. I’m learning how to create boundaries and making plenty of mistakes along the way. That’s normal, but also what normal is being humble, asking for help, and saying no. I’m not 30 anymore even though my spirit and the way I want to live wants to be.

October 11, 2022 – 2am – I’m returning to the blog post with full intentions of closure but also an indication of the Thanksgiving long weekend and using that time to rest, get organized, and catch up. I’m still trying to get things done, but I will be patient and kind with myself. I can only do what I can do. I have learned that I’m not a multitasker and I have returned to this MULTI-blog post in bed and in my phone. This, admittedly, is not work-life balance and mid-October has caught up to me with many deadlines and demands. Sigh. A true indicator of STILL being over committed but I am learning that I can only do what I can do. I just have to be ok with that, and I am.

What I have decided to do was complete a one-photo collection of the past week. There was a lot happening, but really it was a lot of good things happening. So, enjoy the collage below. They are only highlights and I tried to spare you from a series of food pics, which I could have done. Instead, you only get a sample. I feel so grateful for the work that I get to do. At times it feels endless. This weekend included some work, but also some housecleaning. I needed to do that. There is something about doing the dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. My home office is in better shape but I really need to do some recycling. It’s taking over my kitchen. I made a yummy seafood linguini for the kid and I got Thanksgiving with pumpkin pie with Häagen-Dazs vanilla bean ice cream.

A couple walks with friends, a good nights rest, and getting some work done to get ahead on a few courses felt great. I still have to catch up on other things (like my own blogging) but I am figuring that all will be completed in due time. I needed to spend time on life, my kid, and what brings me joy. This is not selfish but it’s more about sustainablity and sanity. My next step is learning how to say no so that I don’t feel too swamped with all that is. That said, what I am doing, I’m enjoying. One step at a time, be present, and enjoy the journey.

At UBCO School of Education presenting the First Peoples Principles of Learning on October 7, 2022
EDUC 394 Elementary Cohort at the Prince George Public Library on October 6, 2022
Guest speaker from Science World on Math and Computational Thinking on October 5, 2022
Ancient Forest with Lheidli T’enneh and UNBC on October 4, 2022
At Westlake with my class on October 3, 2022
October 2, 2022 – it’s my birthday and my brother’s too. We had dim sum with my dad, sister, and brother in law. Afterwards, my brother and I visited my mom. It was a good day.
October 1, 2022 – Saw Michael Bublé with my sister (and we had the best sushi at Miku)
September 30, 2022 – Wearing orange, I flew to Vancouver and had soup dumplings (and more) with my twin brother for dinner. Super yummy.
September 29, 2022 – Co-planned EDUC 405 to invite the UHNBC Drummers at the Fire Circle

Be the Leader

September 27, 2022 – What I am learning is, I am in control. I am understanding this with each day and with each interaction (or non-interaction). I get to choose how I react or respond to each situation. Nothing is personal unless I make it personal. I’m understanding this now. I’m not numb or avoiding. In fact, I think that I’m more open and vulnerable. I will have my voice and I will not compromise who I am anymore.

I know that this is suppose to be my pedagogy or teaching/learning blog post, and it is. A part of how I teach and learn is who I am. A part of who I am is how I feel and how I treat myself and others. It’s the end of the day and I’m determined to write my mid-week blog post, mid-week. I need to take these opportunities and not procrastinate. Conversely, I was tired yesterday. I need to recognize that too and respect that too.

I feel really good about my work today, but I did not get through as much as I wanted to. Do I feel bad about it? Not yet… LOL. The train is still moving and I can only do the best that I can. I am forging my path, not following. In doing so, I am being the leader that I’ve always wanted. I am honest with myself. I respect myself. I am kind to self. I am celebrating the successes and conceding at moments to pause, reflect, or rest.

In many ways, I need to model what I would like from my students. I am so grateful for the group that I am working with this year and joyful about my workload. It’s busy. Don’t get me wrong, but I am getting to do everything that I want to do. I just have to find ways to balance rest, productivity, and timelines. I am learning and this year I actually feel like I can do this. I’m building my sense of self-efficacy. Yay me!!

Having Two Minds

Week 132 – September 25, 2022 – Middle of the Night

Can you believe it’s Sunday, but at 1am? This is how I roll. So many things to do and fighting for moments of rest. Although I started this blog post by saying “having two minds”… it might be THREE. I teach. I write. I’m a mom. The latter is a given, so I’m really of two minds with my work. I am learning how to switch gears and figuring out my rhythm for writing. I can see why it’s so important. You lose momentum quickly.

I know that I have set SERVICE to autopilot because committee meetings, for example, just happen. I am also realizing TEACHING does too. What’s going to require effort is RESEARCH. I have a lot write about and have people to learn from and work with. That’s happening too. I just need to find ways to get writing. I’m also striving for REST. I want so many things and I do prioritize students (as best I can). I also like to bead.

This weekend, I am meeting with my students as they approach practicum that starts on Monday. I want to make sure they are ready and start practicum with a plan. They seem to be on the right track and I have a few more to chat with tomorrow. I am also meeting someone I am writing with (and will have to finish some writing after this blog post for Sunday afternoon) and I have some other work to do on another project.

I am co-moderating #bcedchat Sunday night and voila… I need to prep for Monday’s classes in addition to other writing I have promised to do. Sigh. I love the idea that I’m not lacking content, but I am lacking time. I do like being a mom on the weekend. My kid has also taken the weekend off from work, so it’s also time to spend together. I do find myself on my phone playing solitaire or listening to a podcast. I see that as rest.

Anyway, I am not complaining, but I am figuring it out. I always find some solace in my blog to write, to think, and to digest. I love landing my thinking here and reflect on what is good and what I need to do differently. I love my classes and I am loving the people I am writing with right now. I feel very lucky. I am losing grips on some details, which frustrates me, but I am making time for things like beading. It’s good.

Maybe I don’t have two minds, but I am managing my time to do three different things at work and I am paid for two. Research is something I have feared but really I have set unrealistic expectations on myself and made something bigger than it is. I can situate where I am in the continuum and embrace what I am learning so that over time my expertise and career grows over time. I get this. I just need patience.