This anniversary is not one that I wish to celebrate, but February 27th is a day that I want to notice, remember, and savour as much as I can. Six years ago, my mom passed away. It was a choice that she made. She died of MAID (medical assistance in dying). I did not realize at the time but my mom was a MAVERICK or TRAIL BLAZER. The nurse said that about her before the “ritual” of dying was about to occur. The nurses were prepping her for her moment. We we waiting in “her room.” It was the same room that she was admitted to after we went to the emergency room on Friday, February 9th. I was there and that day was one of my biggest regrets. I wished I had stayed overnight with her at the emergency room. Everyone in my family wanted to leave and she insisted. After that day, I never wanted to do that again. Sadly, I did (sort of). The next day, I went to a conference/workshop at SFU downtown. I remember sitting in the auditorium listening to the speaker, then networking with folks from BC Education. My family insisted (again) that I should just go on with my day and that they would see mom at the hospital. On February 10th, my mom was admitted to the hospital and stayed on the 3rd floor at Burnaby General. I remember what the emergency doctor said, the paramedics said, and my mom next door neighbour said to me on February 9th… she has cancer of the liver. No one wants to hear this or even think about this over Family Day weekend, but my mom was admitted. I think she was resisting this very moment for years. OMG… my mom was sick for a very long time.
I remember the day that she died as if it happened just hours ago. I was so committed to write about my mom and the 20-days she spent in the hospital. A wonderful way to be inspired to honour my mom, but each time I took the pen to paper, I cried. I could not help myself and I tried for a few years. Each time, tears would dribble down my face. I could not do it. Since her passing, I’ve endured many changes and still try to learn the lessons she was trying to teach me during her last 20-days on earth. Now that I am writing this blog post in memory of her, I am realizing that I am ready to write about her. It’s almost perfect timing, much like my mom’s decision to die. During family weekend, she was not going to be seen by the doctor because it was the long weekend. She was just at the hospital to be taken care of and to manage her pain. She was anxious to leave. We tried to take care of her. I insisted staying overnight with her. Someone had to be with her. My family took shifts that weekend. During the week, my brother and sister had to work. My dad focused on strata council work??? Everything seemed off. If anything, I would be my mom’s advocate at the hospital (and I loved warming up my hands under her back).
Damn, I miss with woman. She was so strong. Monday, February 12th was family day. We made it through the weekend and my mom was not so restless. On Wednesday, February 14th (i.e., Valentine’s Day), my mom decided not to have any more needles. She had invisible veins (like I do) and she wanted the needles to stop. They always took a few tries and she just a hated it. With this decision, she was basically telling the hospital and oncologist that she did not care to find out where the cancer had started from, thus cancer of the liver versus liver cancer. Then on Friday, February 16th (Lunar New Year), our family met with the oncologist to learn about next steps. My mom had a choice between palliative care or MAID. My mom had “Stage 5” cancer. Is that possible? My family started to make plans about palliative care, but my mom was pretty certain what she wanted to do. She wanted to do MAID and she was researching this possibility for more than a year. She knew what she wanted and where she wanted to do it. At the time, the hospital would not perform MAID and she had to pass the cognitive test. She said, “fine,” send me home, but I’m not going to die in my home. We planned another location. It was a care facility just down the road.
For 10-days, my mom lived in her dining room on a special bed, and she clearly passed the MAID test. Ironically, during her time at home, something changed and the hospital said that they would perform MAID. I could not believe it. My mom asked me to go with her in the ambulance back to the hospital (another story to tell, re: number one). I remember driving with her. Talking with her. Taking care of her. I am flooded by lots of memories as I am writing this and believe that this is the beginning of the book. I also talked with a colleague the other day talking about my conversation with my aunty on my dad’s side of the family and she suggested that I should consider doing an autoethnography. YES. I Googled that methodology and it’s perfect. I can capture some of the memories I have of my mom, how that impacted my identity, and to learn more about my family and ethnic identity. I remember being in that room that I started this blog post with. My mom is a MAVERICK. She just new that the catheter was out of place (another story, re: JoLo). She asked me to ask the nurse to fix it. My mom just wanted things to be “right.” I did not appreciate her discretion, high expectations, and attention to detail. She died on the third floor of Burnaby General with grace, agency, and dignity. For that, I am so proud of my mom for her strength, clarity, and willpower. She paved a path for others to follow.
I love you, mom.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 27th, 2024 | Comments Off on Six Years
My teaching has ended for the fall term and I am resting a bit as well as transitioning to my own writing, writing a grant, and getting a chapter complete. Reuniting with this WordPress site is like coming home again. I was so happy to regain access to this account and I am slowly but surely figuring out the new direction for this blog and website. When I was losing access to this account, I opened an OpenETC WordPress site with my workplace. I am super grateful to have that opportunity to create and write a new website to model for students but also personalize the website to reflect my “digital narrative” in EDUC 405 (Reflective Practice) and EDUC 796 (Portfolio).
My work blog on OpenETC is a weekly blog. Now reuniting with my former WordPress site, I feel that this second platform is an opportunity to write what’s important to me. TEACHER LEADERSHIP. That was one of my aha’s from a few days ago (and wrote about it) but now I am compelled to contribute to this site when I’m inspired. Tah dah!! I’m inspired. I just participated in a survey for someone’s study in educational leadership; I had a conversation with a former high school student and teacher colleague this morning talking about leadership; and this afternoon, I met up with my working group for CATE about writing a book chapter about teacher leadership.
Yes, I believe things happen in three. Voila… serendipity. I am inspired. What is teacher leadership? What are the theoretical frameworks for teacher leadership? What would inspire someone to feel empowered as a teacher leader? Here is what I know, so far (based on experience). Teacher leadership is informal. There is no formal position, additional pay, or recognition that acknowledges teacher leadership within an organization. Teacher leadership is relational, servant-oriented, and emergent. I might be 100% biased and describe it this way, but it might also be situation, visionary, and transformative. Context matters, but in my mind, the ultimate goal is to support, enhance, or enable student learning experiences through innovation, collaboration, or partnerships. The teacher leader must be willing to take risks, be vulnerable, and listen to and learn from the people we are serving (the students).
Teacher leadership is a position that I have always held. In K-12 education, I was the school professional development representative, staff representative, and math department head. I was also a volleyball coach (I have no idea of the sport as a curler… LOL), grad class sponsor (not an event planner), and school first aid attendant (biology is not my strength). In higher education, I serve on senate and a couple of senate committees, supervised graduate students in EDUC 796, and contributed to the department to move forward with a redesigned program for the B.Ed. and M.Ed. programs. And in between, I was a co-moderator on #bcedchat on Twitter, school trustee, and contributor to BC’s Curriculum in K-9 math. I have always been a teacher leader and I never acknowledged it until now. In past, I have always strived for formal leadership roles but in the end, the position itself never resonated with me.
RELAX. A word that has come into my way of being. I feel like I have arrived. All year, I have been trying to “slow down”… volunteer less… and focus on my health. These are only a few things with some attempt to address the messiness of life (which includes work) and the best strategy right now is to relax. I don’t mean to relax and not do anything or slack, but to not take things too seriously. This liberation is freedom. I grateful and humbled how people perceive me as a leader and offered kind words and acknowledgement of my work and way of being. I am a teacher leader. The formality of a role, perceived power that’s attached to it, and any ego-boosting tactics are not what drives me. I love what I do as a teacher. I know that now. I am in the right place at the right time despite any perceived obstacles, barriers, or haters.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 18th, 2023 | Comments Off on Time to Reflect
Saturday, December 9, 2023 – A Moment of Self-Doubt
I have to admit, when I got the notification via email to let me know that I agreed to a auto-renewal for this website for 3-years my heart sank a little. By the time I got to my apartment and talked myself through the situation (briefly), I felt ok. I remember how this website started and where I had come from over the last 13-years and it has been a journey to say the least. I would not take the midlife unravelling too lightly and I found myself today in a deep reflection about life and where I wanted to be. Not the best timing when I have a pile of marking to do, yet the best timing because I need to feel good about what I am doing and why. And yes, I’m blogging too.
I found myself today downloading Brené Brown’s audiobook, Braving the Wilderness, a book I’ve read a few years ago with hopes of feeling some solace or validation. Already from Chapter 1, I feel aligned to hear words. I was also listening to the audiobook with hopes of getting inspired to return back to my marking. So far, I’ve worked on the feedback from my research team and revised our webpage accordingly. I wrote some notes/minutes from a meeting relating to this research project, and I have responded to a few emails. I’m warming up to the quietness of assessment and evaluation. I enjoyed reading the first batch of work and now I am mustering up the will to commit to my feedback and final grades. This decision-making is not earth shattering, but it means a lot to me and needs to feel aligned.
Where I am today is not where I thought I would be 13-years ago, but I have never felt more like myself. As Brené would say, I belong to myself. This feeling is incredible. I am learning to accept and value myself of which I did not do very well (or if at all) in previous decades. It seems fitting to embark on this journey in my last chapter of my life. I still live with my kid, whom I love to bits. But I am also finding that I am learning how to keep my boundaries and remain true to myself. I’m still working on how that manifests, but I am more aware. Earlier today, I was talking to a friend of mine. I love that we can take a moment for critical reflection. I can’t do that with many people so I feel grateful that I can do that with her. In that conversation, I learned about how one incident that impacted negatively still lives in the heart of minds of others, but not in a good way. My heart sank, thinking that this person did not seek forgiveness, but more interested in seeking revenge or shame-inducing acts (to put me in my place).
I wonder about leadership and the role of power and one’s positionality. Sometimes I feel that I am beginning to understand that power is not something that I desire or want. At first, I believed that power was a part of leadership and it might be for some. For me, I am leaning towards compassion, understanding, and listening as attributes or competencies I would like to possess as a leader. I would follow up with a set of virtues like patience, humility, and wholeheartedness as part of my leadership style. Humanity, human connection, and community are important to me as well as Kirkness & Barnhardt’s (2001) Four R’s of respect, relevance, responsibility, and reciprocity. I’ve been using the concept of reciprocity as a litmus or gauge recently to help me decide what is worthwhile or not. Meaning, as much as I give to something, it gives the same amount back to me, and vice versa. I am learning when something is taking away from me (to become less than), is something that needs addressing or removing. I’ve been there before, hence power in leadership has no place for me.
As I take a deep-breath and have a moment of gratitude, I am so appreciative of renewing this website and gaining a renewed access to this blog. I spent many hours (for entertainment purposes during the pandemic) with a weekly blog post that eventually (or attempted) to explore what was important to me. You have no idea the flood of good feelings and happiness I had accessing my website again. This is a place of solace and I am very excited to take some time during the winter break to update it and refine it as a place for me to reflect and wonder about teaching, learning, and leading in education and in life. I am always humbled in the direction of which writing and blogging takes me. It’s always unexpected and that’s the joy of this writing and reflection. It’s something that I try to bring to my classes that teach portfolio in graduate and undergraduate courses at the university. I feel pumped and recharged to get to my work now and do what brings me joy and happiness. I belong to me.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 09th, 2023 | Comments Off on Renewing this Website
Losing access to my website and with each update and now a change in apps… I am slowly but surely losing touch with my blog. I think who’s is this will be my last blog post on this WordPress site. It’s the end. No photo. Nothing profound except for goodbye. So much has happened over 155 weeks of the pandemic and beyond. This is not the end of blogging or reflection for me, but this is the end of my use of this platform. I cannot hold on anymore and it’s ok to let go. The hardest part about letting go is knowing when. There were clues. Many of them but I can’t do this adaption anymore. It’s time for a new platform. You can find me at https://hoyounghusband.opened.ca. I can’t even insert a link. It’s disabling. I tried but it’s time. I’m throwing in the towel. Overtime, this site will be digital debris. It’s been an online diary of my pedagogical journey and it continues. This chapter is coming to and end and I look forward to new beginnings. If you find me here at this site, you can find me elsewhere. It’s all good. Wishing you all the best. Onwards and upwards.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 04th, 2023 | Comments Off on My Last Post
Week 154 – February 25, 2023 – You just never know
Once again, life lessons acquired from curling. I am so grateful for this game and the people who I play the game with. I’ve been so lucky and fortunate to have awesome teams to play with, here in Prince George, and other teams in past. I learn so much and human connection with my teammates as we play together is AWESOME. 🙂
I love our scoreboard. It describes my curling team so well. We are in the playoffs and this is the scoreboard of our first game. After league play, we placed 5th place out of 15 teams. I can’t believe that. I feel that we are just getting started this season. We have one bye in our league and we play on Fridays which means bonspiels too.
Anyway, this is our second year playing together and we are a random team. I call it serendipity. We just seem to gel. I play third. The skip and second are a couple. And, the lead is returning to the game after her husband passed away. We were all looking for a team and we became that team last year. It did not take long, but we have fun.
I think we placed third last year (I can’t remember), but the league was played different last year because we were still tapering from COVID-9 protocols, we had an A-event and B-event, and there were no bonspiels. This year, we played a round robin with all of the teams and now we are in the playoffs. After 2 ends, we’re down by 5.
You’d think we would give up. The skip and I missed our shots these two end, but as a team we just continued to play one shot at a time. Every time we start with the lead’s rocks it always felt like a restart. We took one point in the third end and stole one point four times. The game should have ended in the 7th but someone had to win.
We played the 8th end and during that end we were so happy to have tied the game. One shot at a time, we had the game set up with two of our rocks counting behind many guards. We were sitting very good with our last rock played (even though our skip hogged the rock, which was suppose to be a long guard). In the end, we stole 2.
Wow. We won the game. We stole 5 ends in a row. Unheard of and we did it. One shot at a time and the outcome worked in our favour. They were a super nice team to play with, but it was almost like we looked up and realized we won the game. I like this about our team. We never get too excited or too down on ourselves or the game.
We celebrated after the game with a round of drinks (even though our team hogged 4 rocks… aka. 4 rounds of drinks). We even had the chance to watch a bit of curling on TV. We just seem to have a hidden quality of just getting along and trying our best. In the end, persistence pays off. One rock at a time. For me, it’s one paper at a time.
I love this metaphor of our team, but also of life and work. None of us played a perfect game, but all of us were trying to do our best each shot. We encouraged each other throughout the game and we never get down on each other. I believe this to be true, if you had 4 incredible players who don’t get along, then that team will lose.
I also believe that when you are focused on the win, you will also lose. Mistakes will happen. Your job is to learn from them and do better next time. That’s all you have control of. Don’t dwell on the mistakes and don’t blame others. Own what you can control, find your people, and focus on one step at a time. In the end, you will win.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 25th, 2023 | Comments Off on Persistence Pays Off
Week 153 – February 18, 2023 – Blogging Getting Difficult
Oh my… PATIENCE seeps in to my psyche again. My access to my own blog is getting more limiting (maybe with every update). Nonetheless, here I am. One step at a time. I’m getting things done (even though I have a billion things to do). Today is “be a person day” and I met up with a grad student, went to the university (briefly), and washed my kid’s laundry (i.e., 4 loads). I got recycling done, I did a bit of food shopping, and I continue to play the food game (to maximize my food dollars).
If I take a step back, I am getting some writing done, I am getting some reading done, and I am becoming more open to the idea of changes in my life and my workload so that I can work towards a tenure track appointment. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in my 30’s as if I am starting all over again. In many ways, I am starting again but I do feel like I’m 30. Huh. Am I back to who I am before marriage? Is that weird? Anyway, that’s how I am feeling lately and I am loving every moment… the ups and downs.
Nothing worthwhile is not meant to be easy. I have no regrets. Everything I have experienced brought me to where I am today. I was not in the same place where I was when I was 30, but I feel like I have a new opportunity. Another lesson I am learning is, I can only control what I can control. I can control how I feel. I can control the decisions I make. I can also control who is in my life and who is not. I mentioned in my last blog post that I am committed to being folks who help me rise, vice versa.
Just yesterday, someone backed into my car when it was parked. My kid was driving it to and from work that night. I had no control over the incident, but I do have control on how I respond to the incident and next steps. I also go my feedback from my annual performance review. I’ve only read it once… quickly. And, I need to respond to it, but overall, it looks very positive and I’m learning that when I am focused on what I need to do (i.e., be selfish), people can see what you are doing.
It almost seems counterintuitive, much like education. Focus on the “goods internal” that is, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, and what motivates you deeply, then people will reward you with the “good external.” This philosophy written by Alasdair McIntyre I learned (and continue to learn) during my Master of Education program. Curling helped me to understand this concept and now I have returned to it with my work. I will continue to read and write about ideas that bring me joy.
Slowly but surely I’m getting it together. It feels good. TRUST is a big idea I need to embrace. I recite that word often in my head when I throw a rock during a game of curling (and I can only control how I throw the rock) and the outcome will be what it will be. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes there is a Plan B (or C or D). And, all of the time, there is something to learn. No judgement on the outcome. What matters is what I do next time with what I have learned with the goal of winning the game.
Again, the goal is not focusing on winning the game, but it’s more about paying attention to all of the little things like sitting in the hack, my slide out of the hack, or release the rock that matters. I am learning this with respect to my work (and hopefully soon with my life). Once again, I can sense-make with curling in mind. LOVE THAT. Curling has never failed me… LOL. Honestly, I’ve learned a lot from the sport regarding systems, leadership, and strategy. I am truly getting it together.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 18th, 2023 | Comments Off on Getting It Together
Week 152 – February 11, 2023 – What are you paying attention to?
In teacher education, we talk about “strength based learning” and understanding how focusing on what you are good at (and you students) can build a sense of self efficacy that helps with one to engage in acts of vulnerability and learning something new. Many of us foraged forward living life in a deficit model. I’m kind of done with that Thinking about what I can’t do or believing that I’m unable is 100% limiting.
January 2023, as many have mentioned in my last blog was challenging. I plumped much of my course hours teaching in January and I’ve set out some huge ambition for 2023. It’s a lot sometimes. Also, I received some unexpected news a few times last month and spent a couple of weeks grieving and pulling up my socks and restarting. Last week has been very clear for me that focusing on my strengths brings me joy.
I just have to be me. It’s been a lifelong lesson. Along with that lesson, an addendum, is to not worry about what other people think (or judge). The lesson is to TRUST. Here we go again. When I am focused in my joy and doing what I love to do (and for the right reasons) regardless of social norms, systemic barriers, or cultural expectations, I can be just who I am and feel good about it. And for those who can see it… gets it.
An amendment to my last week’s blog about listening to others… I will correct myself. I will listen to those who provide formative feedback that is intended to help me, life me, or guide me. When people have my best interests in mind and sincerely want to help, then I will listen. And this gift or way of being is reciprocated. Authenticity, honesty, and wholeheartedness are a part of this mix. And yes, it can get messy.
I’m embracing the messy and I’m also learning how to let go (and look forward). Just be me. The image above was an exemplar of my week… of being myself… having my voice… and being open to disagreement or opposing ideas. I’m open to feedback. I want to help others. Lift them. Challenge them. I am motivated to invite others to create change to help and lift others. I hope you can see the pattern I’m creating.
In Week 152 of my #pandemicreflections, I feel like I’m arriving. I feel grounded. I feel happy. I feel like I can be myself (with no shame, self-doubt, or regret). I am also grateful for all those who keep lifting me up and helping me on this pedagogical journey. I am thankful to students in my classes, graduates from the program, past students from my K-12 years, colleagues, friends, and family. There’s lots of love.
My cup is full. I was listening to a podcast this week and one of the guest speakers mentioned (or shall I say insisted) about what we pay attention to… what are we focused on. For years (or possibly decades) I was focused on what am I doing wrong, what if I am wrong, and what will people think. UGH. Seems like a people pleaser mindset. Now I’m focused on… what makes me happy and what brings me joy. 🙂
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 11th, 2023 | Comments Off on My Cup is Full
Week 151 – February 3, 2023 – Cleaning the Fridge Game
Oh my… the photos are uploading and pages updating. Woohoo!!! Patience. The error messages incurred last week was due to “too many requests” and the best remedy was to wait. Ugh. As difficult as it was to wait and be patient, over time… it worked!!! A good lesson to learn. Sometimes stepping back and allowing time to do it’s work means that TRUSTING the system, the universe, or myself. All will work itself out.
Here I am. Blogging with no barriers. I was so close to just scrapping this portfolio and blog and leaving it as digital debris in cyberspace. As it turns out, I’m back!!! I’m not sad and now I know… don’t ask for too much at one time. The system just says NO and stops working. Admittedly, I was alarmed when trying to publish and wanting to update some of my webpages, but I just had to wait, stand back, and be calm. LOL.
Yes. The photo chosen for this blog post is two pieces of toast (i.e., the end pieces), the last bits of cucumber, and the last remains of sprouts in the plastic container. What you see is my Friday Brunch. It was pretty good. And, food is being consumed in my home without throwing it away or feeling like there’s nothing to eat and it sucks. I guess this is where the saying of “making lemonade out of lemons” now resonates.
January was brutal. After taking the time to REST during the winter week and going full blast to start the new year in my classes, I’m a bit spent. The workload lightens up and I am happy that it’s February. I’m even happy that it’s Friday. No meetings or classes today. I’m not sure how that happened (not knowing if I missed anything) but it feels good to have a good night’s sleep, homemade meals, and doing some work.
Hence the blog. I thought, why not? I am also learning how to build up a tough skin. I am reminded by Brené Brown and her saying of “strong back, soft front.” I love that imagery and I am trying. It’s not in my nature as an Enneagram 8 but I am aware of it’s benefits. I just needed to taper from my weeks before and a little bit this week too. I finished my PAR (professional activity report) and got some tough news. I’m ok.
What I am learning is, I can only be myself. That’s all I have. Who I show with other and how I am with others, I can only be me. In past, I used to put a lot of weight on what people thought of me (both in the good and the bad). Why? My value is not tied into what others think of me. What matters most is, what I think about myself. Can I live my actions, my thoughts, or my values? That’s what matters. I understand that.
Sometimes it’s so easy to get off balance. This week was one of those weeks. Nothing dramatic, but I found myself caught into those feelings of worrying about what other people think. First, I never want to hurt anyone. Second, I want to inspire others to create change. Finally, I want to feel good about the work that I do. This week I had a moment of vulnerability. It shook me, but I can’t control what others think or do.
Feeling rested has helped me to be ok with this week and be able to let it go. I learned a tonne from my PAR and I can see personal growth. I’m pleased with that and I can see my potential. That’s exciting. I can’t compare myself with others, but I can learn from them. Mentoring can be critical with next steps and I am willing to reach out. I am in a much better place and I can be patient of myself. I just need a little time.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 03rd, 2023 | Comments Off on Becoming Resilient
No photo this week. I don’t know why but know that I’ve tried. Truth… I’m glad that this blog post published but honestly it was more luck than any predictable outcome. Idk. I updated my phone and iPad. I’m limited to and dependent on my WordPress app. Let’s see how this lasts but Happy 150th week of the COVID-19 pandemic. The weekly #pandemicreflections persist. Lucky you!!! I feel like this will end soon, but it might be due the end of the pandemic or end of my functional use of WordPress. Time will tell. TBD.
Here’s another weird element of this blog post. I’m blogging on my phone. I could not afford to wait but maybe I should check to see if my Bluetooth keyboard works on my phone. Ok… thinking in real time. I’ll let you know. Give me a moment. ((A moment passes by…)) Voilà. Here we go. It works. Knowing that I am able to use this keyboard that I bought many years ago for my mini-iPad from a long time ago (that no longer works) continues to work with my current devices… and more. HUH. I’m impressed. Not knowing, but hey…. A worthwhile purchase. #brilliant
I will say, it is so much easier to blog using QWERTY versus with my thumb. I lose patience, really. I’m also impressed that this skill of typing has stayed with me since high school and that was a LONG TIME AGO. I’m so glad I am able to type (using letters only… because I dropped the course half-way through). Who knew? Not me. I guess this experience of blogging and my Bluetooth keyboard tells me, you don’t know what you don’t know. It was like talking to my friends about “setting goals.” Dang. After that conversation, I am convinced that setting goals is futile and impossible. That news kind of freaked me out. I see her point.
So, what’s the point of this blog post? I’m figuring that I should be writing very important or profound stuff if my access to WordPress will end (at some time… but not sure when) and this digital debris needs to be somewhat interesting or at least… not garbage or embarrassing. Meh. What I am learning is, I am always starting again… and again. Things end and transitions quickly to the new beginning… or in this case trying to edit and add to my WordPress site and failed many times today. In time, pages and posts updated (with exception to uploading a photo). That happened before but then I could, and now I can’t.
Maybe the big idea is to enjoy the moment. Find the joy in the little things. And, you can only control what you can control. Admittedly, I am happy right now. Content. It’s an unusual and blissful feeling. I also learned this week about letting go and speaking my truth. Another lesson is not being too attached to the outcome, but to do your best in the process. One things at a time and I have control over my happiness. I am super happy that I am able to blog tonight and truly hope that the blog post will update/upload. Either way, I am happy because I am me. I can be myself. I connect with the right people at the right time.
Starting again is not a bad thing. There’s no judgement or expectations. It’s just a thing. As much as I love comfort… I also love learning. It’s a balance between the two. Just like today… I love “being a person” day. I love Saturdays. I appreciate and enjoy this ME TIME. I deserve it. No guilt. Just happy. I watched a hockey game tonight. I was with friends on Friday and Saturday. I taught Monday to Thursday. My week is full. And, I live with my kid. Honestly, my life is full. I’m feeling very lucky.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 28th, 2023 | Comments Off on Starting Again and Again
Week 149 – January 21, 2023 – Chinese New Year Eve
In the photo was a gift that was given to me from my family law lawyer after my divorce was final. You know, I could not even spell divorce correctly until it was actually true (aka., recently). Hmm… that always makes me wonder, but it’s true. I’m “officially” restarting life (again) or going back to who I really was and exploring that path of being true to who I am and trusting that each step I take is good for me.
What I am learning is, I cannot let this event or anything otherwise define me. I am the one that defines who I am. No one else. This lesson has been a tough one to learn. It’s taken me decades. I am starting to blog on another site as I explore a self-study using the Spirals of Inquiry and learn more about Human Development. It’s not to say that I believe that everything is academic, but a framework to help me understand.
I spent most of my life trying to please others or lead my life in a way that I thought was suppose to be led based on the expectations of others. What I am learning is, one’s best life is spent doing what’s best for self in the service of others. Although this can be quite nuanced, it’s a deep understanding that requires one to know self. I have finally given myself space and permission to do so and frankly, it’s bumpy. LOL.
My divorce was official as of January 16, 2023 and even though I’ve been living my life alone for the last few years, I spent that time to figure out who I really am and what’s important to me. The #pandemicreflections (notice: it’s Week 149) and being honest with myself of what’s possible has offered me a solace and peace that I have not had… ever!!! It feels good and I recognize that. It feels good to just be me. 🙂
In celebration of the 2023 Chinese New Year, I am returning back to my maiden name, (Alice) Christine Ho. Yes, my first name is in brackets. As a child, I never liked my name… overall… but I am returning back to who I am (and honouring who I am). My name is “Dr. Christine Ho, Ed.D.” I remember as a kid writing my name out with doctoral credentials, not really know the journey I would take to get here (so far).
I am going to figure out how to change my name back to who I am and discover what it really means to be “Christine Ho” and be proud of who I am. This blog entry may sound ridiculous to some, but this pedagogical journey has been a whirlwind to say the least. Some up moments, some down moments… but truth, they are all learning moments and my job was to notice, wonder, and learn from them. It’s been slow.
Here I am. It’s the “official” start to a new beginning and I am excited, nervous, and open to what’s to come. My first step was to commit to me and my family’s name. My second step is changing my social media (this website included). Next will be legal name, paperwork, and name changes with every… single… legal… document. I’m not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to everything else. I can do this.
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR 2023. The Year of the Rabbit. #dimsum
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 21st, 2023 | Comments Off on A New Beginning
I have to admit, when I got the notification via email to let me know that I agreed to a auto-renewal for this website for 3-years my heart sank a little. By the time I got to my apartment and talked myself through the situation (briefly), I felt ok. I remember how this website started and where I had come from over the last 13-years and it has been a journey to say the least. I would not take the midlife unravelling too lightly and I found myself today in a deep reflection about life and where I wanted to be. Not the best timing when I have a pile of marking to do, yet the best timing because I need to feel good about what I am doing and why. And yes, I’m blogging too.
