June 1, 2024 – Clearing out the fridge and freezer
STORY 5
“The game” is something that my mom would do when we were kids. Essentially, the goal is to get rid of all of the food in the fridge or freezer before going out and buying more food. The idea is to maximize the dollar, minimize food waste, and consume what was purchased. Makes sense, but I am unsure if I am good at this game. I come to the game with a lot of intentions (and memories) but my fridge and freezer often remain full. My brother, on the other hand, has an empty fridge (with exception to a few condiments and some frozen staples) and sister play this game religiously with specific rules (i.e., you can’t buy food to complement the food you’re trying to get rid of). Nope. I can see now that playing the game is not my strength. Let’s unpack why.
I just finished a CBC series call “House Special” that looks at Chinese-Canadian restaurants in BC and Alberta. The series went to Penticton, Vernon, Kelowna, Red Deer, and Grand Prairie. The stories told resonated with me. The host, Jackie Kai Ellis, is a second-generation Chinese woman and pastry chef. She tells her family’s stories and her relationships with her family and food throughout this series as she explores Chinese-Canadian food and Chinese-Canadian people living in these communities. Lots of what she shared resonated with me. I love how this series was able to articulate about what I’ve experienced through the lens of uncertainty and cultural assimilation. I felt that her voice and stories depicted much of what I’ve experienced.
Why does this matter? I just remember that we would eat what my mom made (often a stir fry with rice). There was not much food in the fridge. And, we would have the periodic “Canadian meal” which meant ham, mashed potatoes, and peas, or spaghetti made with ketchup. My most favourite meal was curry chicken and potatoes with rice. AMAZING… and I can not find anything like it. Trust me, I tried. Now in Prince George (as mentioned in previous blog posts), I spent a great amount of energy trying to find Chinese food that tasted much like my mom’s or what I used to eat in Vancouver. It’s super hard to find and what I have found is OK and it only represents a fraction of the Chinese food of what I would like to eat. Something is better than nothing.
At first, I thought that finding this food and having it was more about feeling close to my mom, which it is (and does). But after watching the CBC series, there is an episode that is titled, “Food is Love.” It’s so true. My mom never said “I love you” to me, but she showed her love to me and my family with food. I remember as a teenager going to family dinners to Galaxy Gardens with my family. These were special occasions. I don’t think we went every week, but at least once a month. We had family favourites like #25 (sweet and sour pork Cantonese style). The CBC series spoke about sweet and sour pork throughout the series saying that this is Chinese-Canadian food. This kind of food was created to meet the needs of the consumer (and make money).
The CBC series went to the place where ginger beef was created, Grand Prairie. Beef was Albertan and Albertans love gravy. The beef was sliced into strips to mimic french fries, but also be savoury to encourage folks to drink. The creation of ginger beef was economic, but it’s one of my brother’s favourite dishes. When my family moved away from Prince Rupert (where Galaxy Gardens is located), we went to various restaurants around the Burnaby area (i.e., where my parents built and moved into a condo near Metrotown). We were all adults and have graduated from university. We would often go for dim sum, congee, or “double duck” dinner. Eating around the table equated to family, connection, and LOVE. This is why food and eating out means a lot to me.
It’s love.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 01st, 2024 | Comments Off on Playing The Game
Starting this blog series of thinking about my childhood/adulthood, my ethnic identity, and the person who I have become, I am flooded by many memories I wish to unpack. I’m not going to make rules like… “blog everyday” or force myself into a way of being that is not authentic to me… but I will embark on a story that resonates with me the most, at the time. Today, what inspires me to write is about FEAR.
I don’t have a specific story, per se, but I have many stories that represent the same idea. The first narrative that comes to mind that resonates with me is about my kid and her experience in Grade 4 or 5 and making title pages. In her class, students were required to make title pages for their notebooks (for every subject area and every unit). The making of title pages were relentless and my kid could never get a 10/10.
My kid investigated the 10/10 wall of exemplars hypothesizing how to get 10/10 on one of her title pages. Was it bubble lettering? Was it colouring in circles? Was it using particular colours? Who knew? What she did know is, she never got it despite how hard she tried to achieve this illustrious 10/10. This perceived failure caused her much anxiety, confidence depletion, and doubt. My question is, what did she learn?
I often share this story about my kid and her learning experience with these title pages. Although the teacher made an explicit connection to the curriculum with these title pages, my kid did not understand what she needed to do to get a 10/10. Other students “got it” but she never did. She might have got one 10/10 but getting 10 was something that was mysterious and difficult to achieve. Why the need to comply?
For me, this story captured my attention for many reasons (and for many years). First, I remember my kid in Grade 3 (not so long before) where she questioned why the teacher insisted that she colour the sky blue. She was forced to finish the “turkey drawing” before she was allowed to the the work she wanted to do. In the end, she did neither art project. Honestly, I supported her in that decision. It made sense.
My next thought is, what happened? A couple of years later, my kid was obsessed about doing what other kids were doing. She lost her autonomy and her sense of self or agency to do what best represented her and her thinking. Learning became more about pleasing, achieving, and jumping the hoop to get the grade. I would often share this story to describe the importance of success criteria and formative feedback.
Sadly, it’s more than that. It’s about FITTING IN. This story about the title pages and those damn one-inch boarders was more than compliance and lack of clear success criteria, but more about doing what it takes to FIT IN. As Brené Brown would say, “fitting in” is the antithesis to “belonging.” Fitting in meant to “giving yourself away” or “betraying yourself” with hopes of “belonging to” something you are not aligned to.
This story weighs heavy on me and takes a full-circle. I cannot believe that this story is telling MY STORY. No wonder it resonates with me deeply. I also find it ironic that I chose the image from my collection of the Ukrainian nesting dolls. I used this image and metaphor for a TedTalk I gave in 2017 titled “ALIGNMENT.” The connection is clear and obvious to me. Fitting in has been an ongoing need and want for me.
I can’t do it anymore and honestly, I don’t get the success criteria to achieve them. I’m tired of giving myself away and betraying who I am. Over time, I lost who I was and now I am relearning it. I remember the extreme feelings of fear of “not getting it right” and getting reprimanded for “making a mistake.” I tried my best not to (or at least hide them) for purposes of fitting in, perceived acceptance, and being seen.
Meh.
This story resonates with me as a child, adolescent, young adult, and adult. I remember driving into a planter with a rental vehicle a few years ago. I damaged the bumper and I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I did not know what to say to the rental office. The entire drive I was going through scenarios in my mind and my heart was racing as if I was running a marathon. The anticipation was excruciating.
I had that aching feel-like feeling often throughout my lifetime and in many different circumstances (i.e., dropping glass during a science class during my first year of teaching, workplace interviews, and making an ICBC car claim). All of these examples do not seem on the surface to relate to my ethnicity or upbringing, but in many ways, it does. Don’t make any trouble. Don’t be a burden. Do not bite the hand that feeds you.
This fear factor (witnessed as unusual behaviour), is learned and deeply embedded in my psyche. It guides my decisions and ultimately, I become my own biggest suppressor so that the “true me” cannot be seen (or heard). As a result, I’m hiding. I’m pretending to be someone that I’m not. I am just too scared to show who I really am. Hence, the Ukrainian nesting dolls is an appropriate image for this blog post.
What I learned from the car accident with the rental car is, NOTHING HAPPENS. After driving the car back to the Vancouver Airport and parking the car, I went to the rental car desk and made the claim. I filled out some forms, they assessed the damaged. And they smiled and said that the bill would come by mail. That’s it. No judgement. No yelling. No shaming. That was a huge lesson for me (except for the $800 bill).
It’s hard for me to be seen… truly seen. As a child to adulthood, I have many layers, armour, or shields to protect me. I can let some of myself be seen, but it’s was most likely not 100% of who I was/am. Too worried to be judged, too worried to be hurt, or too worried to be disappointing anyone. There are undertones of being the youngest, being a girl, and being Chinese… all things (and more) I tried to hide or minimize.
One layer at a time is being opened and exposed. One nesting doll after the other, I am finally reaching the true me. The little doll sitting at the centre of all of these layers. Being exposed, hence sharing my stories and the desire to learn more about my history and ethnic identity as a Chinese-Canadian in BC. This pedagogical journey of mine that started well before the pandemic continues onto the next chapter.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 26th, 2024 | Comments Off on Scared To Let Go
Yes. I’ve posted a photo of the Costco soup dumplings. Am I chasing or choosing… these dumplings? I super good question. I’m not 100% sure if I could differentiate the two ideas apart. There has been many years now living in Prince George when I have pined for good Chinese food, specifically Cantonese food. It’s the first thing I go for (next to seeing, visiting, and sitting beside the ocean) when I return to the Lower Mainland when I am visiting family or friends, attending a conference, or just travelling through. I need a healthy dose of “good” Chinese food. I’m not sure what “good” really means, but food that is familiar to me and absolutely yummy to eat.
It’s much like these dumplings. I scoured the town looking for good Chinese food. I was not looking for the Western Chinese food that normally entailed a combination plate of sweet & sour pork, chicken chow mean, and beef chop suey. I was looking for authentic Chinese food, in particular, food that my mom ate or would order when we go out for a “double duck dinner” or dim sum. I was desperate, not realizing that I took this food for granted when I lived at home or in the Lower Mainland. Chinese food is so accessible and “normal” when I am living in the Lower Mainland. Looking for “good” Chinese food in northern BC was something I was chasing for. I needed it.
I saw these dumplings on Facebook Reels. Some people whom I follow enjoyed these dumplings. They look a lot larger in the photo on the box. When I first saw them at Costco, I thought they were as large as a BBQ pork steamed bun. I stand corrected. As you can see, they are just as large as any other soup dumpling. What’s brilliant about these dumplings is, they are frozen, they come in a plastic bag, and it cooks/steams in the microwave within 2-3 minutes. There is a yummy sauce that comes with the dumplings and I add the chilli oil to make this meal almost perfect. What would make it perfect would be a vinegar dip to go with, but I like the sauce that it comes with.
After my first bite, I was smitten. I could not believe how good these dumplings tasted. I have some other frozen dumplings that I buy from the Superstore (i.e., vegan dumplings) and from the International shop downtown (i.e., pork/shrimp dumplings and sticky rice). Trust me… I spent months looking for viable options in Prince George so that I would not have the need to fly down to Vancouver to binge on Chinese food… even though I still do. There are lots of Chinese food I am unable to get in Prince George. Admittedly, I try to make congee at home and I go for Cantonese Style Chow Mein at the Fortune House from time to time. That’s it. Why does it matter?
Chinese food is the only thing that I have and do that is remotely related to my culture. I don’t speak Cantonese, nor do I do or understand any of the culture, stories, or ways of being. I somewhat understand the red envelope ritual and moon cake near Chinese New Year, and that’s about it. At some level, it almost feels like I am culturally appropriating because I don’t know the stories or origins of these traditions and there is one part of me that wants to know and another part that does not. I am assimilated into the Canadian culture that I have no reason to learn these customs even though I felt lost during family reunions. If anything, the food made me feel close to my mom.
My mom passed away in 2018. Ever since then, my life has taken a tumble in lots of ways. I never realized I close I was to my mom. I spent the last “20-days” of her life with her… taking care of her… and learning more about her. I feel that in this blog series, some of those stories will come out. It will be a good thing if it does. Since she has passed, I’ve wanted to write about a book about her… about me. She kept so many “secrets” from me… us, as siblings (not sure)… and I felt like I was starting to get to know her (as a person) during her last few weeks with us. I miss her a tonne. My mom knew all of us in the family and she was the glue that kept us all together.
That’s why the dumplings are so important. I feel close to my mom… and for some time, finding this food in the place where I now live, felt like a chase. I was so desperate. I needed to fill my self and my soul with something that would nourish and comfort me. My kid would say that all I eat are dumplings. That may be true, but that is a choice. I choose to eat dumplings when I want to feel closer to my mom, to feel comforted. Somehow, the dumpling represents love, joy, and family. Now that I have found these (frozen) dumplings in Prince George, I can make that choice. That said, anytime I’m in Vancouver, I am having Chinese/Asian food as many times as I can and I am often near the ocean. This is who/how I am. It’s part of my identity.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 23rd, 2024 | Comments Off on Chasing or Choosing
What I am realizing is, I am likely going to collect stories or memories as they arise into my psyche on an inspired or provoked basis versus a weekly reflection. I will continue to maintain the standard of committing to a weekly blog, but I do want to take these moments to reflect on memories and feelings (or my interpretation of what had happened). I almost think that this might be more of a psychological exploration, but I feel as of late, that’s what I need to do to figure out who I am and what motivates me. What I am understanding is, what motivates me stems from many of my experiences as a child or young adult. Trauma is embedded in each story. It’s not one or two dramatic events (although I had those too) but rather the ongoingness of traumatic events that no one really noticed, or noticed and did not (or could not) say or do much about it. I’m guilty of that too. I’m sure I’ll unpack that too.
I have decided tonight that I will start numbering these stories or memories. I know that I have written some content before this series or on my other WordPress site with OpenETC. I will look for those over time, but I need to take the opportunity to document these stories or memories to unpack what I’ve experienced and I believe that many of these experiences related to my #ethnicidentity, positionality, and sense of self. These memories may be interrelated while others might be tangental. I am in the process of sense-making. Much of my past as a second-generation Chinese Canadian cis-gendered woman in BC is somewhat unknown to me. I’ve led much of my life striving to be a successful “white male” Canadian and did a horrible job in doing so because I found it confusing, disingenuous. and inauthentic to who I was/am. Maybe in my 50’s I’m permitted to say, “what’s up & why is it happening?”
This story today was inspired by a walk with my friend the other day. I had worn runners for the Moosehide Campaign walk downtown and returned to the university replacing my runners with Crocs (which is my shoe of choice despite all of the stories I’ve heard about not be “safe” shoes to wear). That day, I continued the day with my Crocs and leaving my runners in my office overnight and for days to follow. When my friend prompted me via text to go for a walk, I realized that my runners were in my office at the university. I have another pair of runners, but those are meant for the gym (to walk in “circles” on the indoor track). Curiously, I thought I must have another pair of runners in storage. I went to go look Underneath several pairs of winter boots and on pair of gum boots, I found runners. Not just one pair of runners in the bin, but a few pairs. I chose one pair and voilà, the image for this blog post. These runners look almost new. During the walk I was left wondering, why so many pairs of shoes?
I may or may not have mentioned that I am the third child of three. My sister is 4-years older than I am and my brother is my older twin. Positionality in my family has always been a “thing” for me. I would grudge-fully call myself “number three.” My relatives would number themselves off in their families, meaning my aunts and uncles on both sides of my family. That said, they had many siblings within their families, 7 and 9 respectively (I may be corrected in future on these numbers). Anyway, I was 3 of 3. Admittedly, that concept waned on my for decades (aka., half a century to be exact). As a child, I would always get hand-me-down shoes and clothes. I never had “my clothes” per se. I just took clothes I was given, most times. This is not to say that my mom never bought me clothes, but I always remembered my shoes being too small. That’s it. I would ask for a new pair of shoes, but often I had to live with what I had for as long as I could. Interesting… I did not expect to write that last sentence (and I’m flooded with examples). Huh. [I just love writing as thinking.]
How I felt at that time was, my shoes are too small. What I understand now is, my parents were doing the best that they could with what they had. Runners were not cheap and it was best to wear shoes or anything to its fullest capacity before investing in a new pair. As mentioned in my last blog post, my mom was frugal. She had to be to keep food in our mouths and a roof over our heads. I am romanticizing the experience, a bit. I’m guessing, but I feel that I’m not too far of my guess. My mom was so proud of not having any debt, buying and building a house of their own as immigrants to Canada, and giving (always) to those in need when she could. I remember this pride when during her last #20days. I remembered about painting every wooden panel for the new house on 240 Prince Rupert Boulevard and realizing they painted the wrong side and had to do the work all over again. You can sense her frustration at the time while she laughed at the thought. For me, having shoes that don’t fit or shoes in general was a sore point for me, hence my many pairs of shoes.
Reflecting on this story is in some ways messed up. I don’t mean to judge myself, but what I am doing is looking at what has motivated me to buy shoes and examining why I have many pairs of them (not just runners). I can still remember those shoes.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 22nd, 2024 | Comments Off on Shoes That Fit
Childhood memories. Making the most from not much. X-bread was a regular purchase at Safeway.
May 19, 2024 – Shopping with my mom as a child
STORY 1
It is an interesting day to write this blog post. Today is my dad’s birthday. My dad and I are somewhat in contact. Our relationship is somewhat strained or misunderstood. I am starting this blog series not in honour of him. It’s more of a coincidence. In many ways, this blog series might be in spite of him. Not sure how these stories will evolve, but I have decided to document my memories in this blog to record my perceptions of these experiences to sense-make my ethnic identity and experience as a second-generation Chinese Canadian woman. My story is not unique, but my story is unique to me. It’s almost like a 1000-piece puzzle, but I only have about 30-40 pieces. I’m hoping to collect more pieces overtime and return back this blog series as well as other posts to develop an autoethnography and possibly a book about my mom.
During the pandemic, I started a blog post series called #pandemicreflections. I made a commitment 4-years ago to write a weekly blog reflection during the pandemic. Under lock down, writing a weekly blog was something to do but also something to entertain myself. I thought that the pandemic would have ended in a month or two. I did not anticipate the pandemic to last one or two years. That said, I remained committed to that blog series and I opened up a second WordPress site because I was gradually losing access to this site. I wrote a lot about that too. Serendipity happens… and I’ve regained access to my website again. After the announcement declaring the end of the pandemic, I’ve meandered a bit in terms of what this blog (and my other blog) would be about. I continue to appreciate writing in a public way, but lately lacked a purpose. Today marks the beginning of the #ethnicidentity series.
I hated buying X-bread. (inside voice)
Going to Safeway was one of the places we went to grocery shop when I was a kid. If it was not Safeway, it was Overwaitea. People loved my twin brother. I remember going to the bakery section and folks behind the counter would always recognize my brother. He was a super cute kid… and folds loved him. I always remember folks giving my brother free doughnuts. I’m sure I got something too, but I just remembered that he would randomly receive things from strangers like was a superstar. Another thing I remembered, clearly, was my mom intentionally going to a basket in the bakery section where there were piles of bread. She was very specific about going to this basket and choosing a particular loaf of bread. I had no idea what she was looking for, but what I did notice was the “X” written by black felt pen over the small orange price tag, the square sticker, on the bag. The experience was pretty consistent. There was always an X on the bag. I realize as an adult that the X represented day-old bread. My mom bought stale bread. I never understood this as a child, but my mom was frugal. Our family had no money. We were immigrants.
Just edited above from “they” to “we.”
I am not an immigrant, but I was born into an immigrant family. I know that there are stories about how they immigrated and how they struggled to make ends meet. I plan to find those stories to get a better sense of how my parents (and sister) immigrated into Canada, moved to Prince Rupert, and did what they could to remain debt free, build a home, and put food on the table. Admittedly, I have much to unpack and understand. What I am reflecting on is X-bread. I’m not a huge fan of bread or sandwiches, in general. I often think that my hate for X-bread might be part of this reason why. I remember my dad making himself breakfast before he went to work, like a daily ritual. And, this bread was always toasted. Of course it was toasted. It was stale bread. He did not seem to mind the bread or having toast. He almost seemed appreciative to have this bread/toast and to participate in his morning ritual. Toast with peanut butter and honey seemed like the toast toppings of choice. He would make toast with a hot cup of Red Rose tea with milk and sugar. I remember him sipping on this tea at the dining room table with a plate of toast, two-pieces.
The image above is a bag of bread that I bought the other day from Cobbs. I make an effort not to by day-old bread and find the “most freshest” bread I can find. Going to Cobbs and getting a loaf of sour dough bread that’s cut right before my eyes is very poshy for me, but also something I feel like I deserve. Eating this bread feels special to me. I loved making a grilled cheese sandwich from this bread. It’s chewy, hot, and tasty. Having this grilled cheese sandwich this morning was so satisfying. I’m still not a fan of bread, nor do I like sandwiches generally, but a grilled cheese made from Cobbs bread felt fancy to me (even though I’m using expired margarine and cheese found in the fridge). We don’t realize that how much of our childhood experiences can impact how we perceive and do things. Just from writing this blog post, I am brought to many memories relating to food, my childhood, and the idea of poverty or working class. My parents worked very hard. My dad worked at the pulp mill. My mom worked in the canneries, food industry, and pulp mill cafeteria. And yes, she made sandwiches for a living (in most of her jobs). Coincidence? I’m guessing it’s not.
What messages or rules do we make for ourselves?
I will say, I have a greater appreciation for my parents the more I learn about my childhood and where I have come from. I am a product of an immigrant family who gave everything they had to ensure their children have a better life. I can attest, my siblings and I have very good lives and who we are today was 100% on our parents. I’m not sure why I have a greater appreciation for my mom than my dad. I’m sure that will be unraveled in future blog posts in this series. There are other posts I have written that will relate to this blog post series, but this post is the first post done with intentionality to document some of my memories. I anticipate that a structure will evolve over time with each post. I can see elements of the memory, my current behaviour, and how it made/makes me feel. The other connections relate to my experience as a second-generation Chinese Canadian to sense-making my ethnic identity and how it impacts my identity as an educator, researcher, and learner.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 20th, 2024 | Comments Off on X-Bread
On Monday, April 29th, I went to the Justin Timberlake – The Forget Yesterday World Tour concert in Vancouver with my sister. It was the BEST-SHOW-EVER. The creativity, innovation, and collaboration was astounding. And, this was the first show of the world tour. They practiced and rehearsed in Vancouver for the last month. I have no words. If that was the first show, it can only get better. I say that, but honestly, that show was close to perfection. The setlist for the show was outstanding. It was a beautiful combination between the new and old, as well as creative liberty on familiar favourites. I was dancing most of the time. I could not help myself. I also enjoyed the DJ Andrew Hypes. He got the rhythm started. From Stage A walking to Stage B then back to Stage A and the floating stage, the TFYWT was joyful and transformative.
Watching this concert was much like “the perfect curling shot.” I was reminded of an interview with Justin Timberlake years ago saying that people say that he makes it looks easy, but he says that its hard work and practice that makes it look easy. My sister and I saw Justin Timberlake 6-years ago. It was a thank you present from my brother after my mom passed away for all of the hard work and care we took to take care of my mom during her last days. Back then, the concert was a needed boost to the heart and spirit. We loved the concert then… and now. For me, it was very timely to see him again. I needed another boost, such that after experiencing the TFYWT and the love shared with us, and it being reciprocated, made me feel hopeful, joyful, and happy again. It’s been awhile since I felt this way and I can’t stop the feeling. LOL.
Well, what I am doing is, listening to his music. I feel that I can get my happy back again. I am also obsessed with my #OneWord2024 of HAPPY. It’s a shift from the one-words I’ve chose in past. This word is focused on the present (i.e., forget yesterday). I am also learning that I am using this words as a litmus or criteria to self-assess whether or not I am happy. Being happy becomes a principle I can follow to make decisions, listen to myself, and determine if I’m on the right track or not. By doing this, I can align to my integrity, be authentic, and engage in life wholeheartedly. This mindset or way of being might be a reflection of my age (even though I feel like I’m 27) or it might be me learning more about developing that “perfect curling shot” in my life. It takes hard work and practice… and a lot of intentionality and deliberate action.
The aim is not happiness, but rather be happy. Admittedly, this course of action is a huge shift in my mindset. You have no idea how HAPPY I am to be here… right now. I am smiling from the inside. This knowing helps with setting boundaries that don’t have to be harsh or hurtful to keep people away or to protect myself, but rather they are kind and compassionate for myself and others. Switching to happy guides how I will live, love, be, and work. Just be happy. The goal, much like the “perfect curling shot” is to be consistent. Every step won’t be perfect every time, nor do I expect it to be. But I can strive to be consistent and hone this skill through practice and hard work. Over time, HAPPY will appear easy, when really my actions are intentional and deliberate. And BTW, my newest and most favourite JT song right now is SELFISH.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 01st, 2024 | Comments Off on Switch to Happy
On my journey of self-discovery, I am learning that a sense of place is part of our identity and need for belonging. Place can take on different meanings. It could be a town or city, a community, a home, etc. Where do you have a sense of place? Where do you feel like you belong? I think about Brené Brown’s “belonging to self” which I am learning how to and do not dispute her research. What is provoking my curiosity is figuring out where I belong. I look at some colleagues and they were born in raised in the same community where they work, live, and play as an adult. Belonging and place are so obvious (to me) when I observe these folks. They have a connection to the land, the people, and history of the place. It mesmerizes me and a bit envious.
This week, I am in the Lower Mainland before I head out to Banff for the Outdoor Learning Conference. I am presenting in Banff with a colleague and I am spending much of the spring/summer term going to conferences and developing my research program. Part of my research program is exploring AUTOETHNOGRAPHY as a research method, but also a self-study, a community-based action research project, and program evaluation of the courses I teach. I will also be continuing the work with Climate Education in Teacher Education and revising three manuscripts to submit (or resubmit) to a journal. Moreover, I’m looking into developing a micro-credential course in mathematics education and local Indigenous culture, which relates to my dissertation. Saying this out loud reminds me of the immense work ahead of me.
My time in the Lower Mainland was intended to be a respite for me to reflect on my practice, engage in some writing and research, and to reconnect myself to place. I just came back from Kelowna, BC from a couple of recent trips and Calgary, AB from a conference. I am paying attention to place in terms of h0w the place makes me feel, the people within that place, and understanding my sense of belonging. I needed to step away for a moment to gain some clarity. I took this last semester to heal by slowing down. I almost burned out at the beginning of the year and resting takes a lot of time and intentionality. I am also recognizing that I am a person of trauma and being cognizant of trauma responses are critical for me to understand and dismantle.
Even writing this blog post, I am waffling a bit in terms of what I want to writing and what I am actually writing. It’s a struggle. I find my trauma responses isolating and shameful. If anything, I need to pause, breathe deeply, and find moments of joy. Mental health issues are on the rise and aspects like job security, finances, and health conflate the feelings of stress, duress, and anxiety. I appreciate the blog as a means to reflect and to self-assess how I am doing. Coming to the Lower Mainland is an opportunity to ground myself into place. As mentioned, I’m staying at my brother’s place, I am visiting my sister, and I visited my mom (at her resting place). I tried to connect up with my dad, but that lends itself to another story (not one I am telling).
I can only create the path for myself. That’s it. One step at a time… with patience, kindness, and compassion… connecting to self and believing in myself are essential to my success and next steps. The fun part of it is, I am integrating this learning into my research program. I feel invigorated and excited. I don’t know what I will learn, but I am learning nonetheless. For this, I am happy. I share this image of my first dinner in Vancouver. I went to Neptune Noodle House in Burnaby to have a hot bowl of fish congee and a side plate of deep fried bread. It’s not really a dinner meal. Congee is more likely a breakfast or brunch meal. This soup was delicious and everything that I wanted it to be… hot, tasty, and comforting. It was filled with memories and food is my only gateway to my culture. I enjoyed people watching and the place was packed.
Being in this restaurant on a rainy day having a big bowl of congee felt like home. I can’t bring my mom back, nor can I be a part of the “double duck” dinners we used to have at the Chinese restaurant at the mall. I remember that my mom used to make congee at home when we lived in Prince Rupert. I loved these meals. They were so special to me. Now that the “cloud of trauma” is lifting, I look back at past experiences to see the joy and love that surrounded them. I miss my mom and know that her intentions were always good (even though I did not understand some of them). Food helps me to reconnect to my heritage, to my mom, and to myself. This meal was a grounding moment for me and anticipate having more Chinese food in the future.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, April 29th, 2024 | Comments Off on Connecting to Self
April 14, 2024 – Developing an Expertise & Finding My Joy
Gosh. I looked for this photo on Facebook. I have a memory of this day and it turned out that it was a photo that was posted by one of my former Math 12/Calculus 12 students. I didn’t even read (or remember) the comments that were attached to this photo and others. It seemed like the conversations that I would have with others students I’ve taught (i.e., in teacher education and graduate studies). I was reminded that this is the kind of relationship that I would like to have with my students (e.g., relational, relatable, and fun-loving), but I was also reminded how I never stopped to “smell the flowers.” I could never appreciate or accept a compliment. I always strived to do more. I’m not sure what that mindset was about, but it has landed me where I am today. Right now, I am focused on slowing down and noticing… and appreciating.
Look at this photo… it’s from January 21, 2008. Aside from being a photo taken almost 2-decades ago and I’m teaching high school mathematics, not much has changed. I see my Mac products (e.g., iMac and iPod), I am wearing Lululemon pants nest to my Lulu bag, and I have a cup of coffee on my desk. My walls are cluttered with images of and from students a well as some art created by my kid. I think she was 4-years old at the time. I have shelves and shelves of books. There is some level of order with my level of disorder. And this phot was taken by a former student (and posted by my former student). I really enjoyed looking for this image, thinking about what brings me joy, and reading the comments that complemented them. They made me smile and laugh. I think about this moment in time and… I was happy. Life was good.
I’ve been thinking lately about building my expertise and what do I love. One thing that I do notice is my love for teaching math. I would not say that I am a math expertise of math subject specialist, but I’ve had a healthy career in math education and I loved teaching my numeracy class in addition to attending any professional development sessions in math education. I do have find joy in this area, but not as an expert, but more as a learner and facilitator. There is nothing I am more passionate about, that is, for math efficacy. How does one develop this sense of self-efficacy in math, as a learner and educator. Understanding this has been the underpinning and inspiration of my dissertation and maybe this is my catalyst to return to that work.
My kid mentioned to me that she would be ok with me pursuing another PhD, but in math education. Her comment and generosity brought me so much joy. Now that I am learning more about myself and what brings me joy, pursuing further studies has been very attractive to me. I was looking at an online MEd program, a PhD in person program, or a certificate program abroad. The cost will be about the same for each program, but what is clear to me is, this is what I love to do. I have so much to learn and I need to navigate my next steps that are more focused and aligned to what I love and brings me joy. I know that I can do this work and I what I need to do is to delve back into my doctoral research in conjunction with my autoethnography. They will work together and I am excited for the spring/summer term to explore this further.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, April 14th, 2024 | Comments Off on Furthering My Studies
March 31, 2024 – How can you understand your self-worth?
My daughter and I went out for lunch yesterday. It’s Easter long weekend and I really wanted to spend some time with her. In my family, when I was growing up, spending time with family (and showing love) was to go out for lunch or dinner. Initially, I wanted to go out for a big breakfast, but my daughter had other plans. It’s not that I’m trying to please her, per se, but I wanted to have a good time with her. Anyway, we landed on Chinese food. We went to the Fortune House near where we live in Prince George. This restaurant was a bit of a find for us. It’s not a restaurant that serves Chinese and Japanese food. It’s just Chinese food. Albeit, it’s “Canadian” Chinese, there is a small section on the menu that serves Cantonese style food.
We like to order the Cantonese style seafood chow mein, which is the food pic above. They make it really well and it reminds of of the special chow mein we used to order when I was a kid from Galaxy Gardens in Prince Rupert. We also ordered another noodle dish and chicken and cream corn soup. It was a fulsome meal and we had lots of left overs too. Makes for an awesome part two for dinner. Anyway, this blog post is not about what we ate for lunch, but rather what I am learning. Having this meal reminded me that food is one of the only connections I have to my heritage, family, and culture. I am reminded of my mom and how important it was for her to gather around the table to share food, stories, and memories. I have fond memories of this.
I am listening to an audiobook titled, WORTHY. Yes, I was drawn to this book after watching a Reel and Oprah Winfrey was talking to the author of this book. I may have took it as a sign and started listening to it. I just finished Chapter 1 and I am left thinking about my ethnic identity and sense of self. The first chapter of this book attempts to differentiate the difference between self-worth and self-confidence. In essence, self-confidence is dependent on life’s events, accomplishments, and failures. Self-worth is independent from external forces. One’s sense of self-worth comes from the inside and is resilient to the ups and downs of life. What I was left wondering about is, if I denied my ethnic identity for decades, what is my sense of self-worth?
On reflection, I spent much time trying to prove myself to possibly earn the respect that my siblings had or be seen for the accomplishments I’ve achieved to be accepted or belong. What I am realizing is, I had it all wrong. Much of my need to belong, I am learning, stems from my relationships and how I responded to different people in my life. I am dodging naming who and what is, but I have been stepping away from myself for a very long time such that my sense of self-worth was not existent because I believed my self-worth was dependent on what people thought of me. What a mess!! Self-confidence and achievement do not equate to one’s self-worth. Understanding this difference and unpacking my ethnic identity as an Chinese Canadian are helping me to understand an appreciate my self-worth. I am happy.
The more moments I have to reflect on life to make sense of the world and who I am, I am compelled to pursue my research program under the umbrella of an autoethnography, focused on a research question relating to belonging. This work connects to my other research interests in mathematics education, teacher education, and educational leadership. In these contexts, I am engaging in the following research methodologies: survey methods, design-based research, self-study, program evaluation, and community-based action research. I am super excited to embark on next steps now knowing that self-worth is not the same as self-confidence. To connect to my experiences with my ethnic identity, the opinions of others do not define my self-worth. I am a good person. I am Chinese. I am worthy.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 31st, 2024 | Comments Off on Self-Worth is Independent
I started to write about this topic last week but felt like I was hypothesizing so abandoned my approach to that blog post. Call it irony or serendipity, the hypothetical became true. I am injured. I spared last night for another team. I didn’t stretch and gradually my left hip and right Achilles heel felt strained. Throwing rocks became impossible. At that point, I saw the clear alignment between the mental game and the physical game. By the end of the game, I had neither. I’m disheartened.
Pain denial is real. I did not want to believe that I was not feeling my best after a couple of ends of play, but persisted and continued to play. Over time, I could not concentrate on my shot mid-slide. It was kind of a “crap-shoot” by the time I released the rock and I hoped for the best. The quality of my play rapidly declined as the game progressed. I was feeling horrible… physically and emotionally. A strong start… lead to a “meh” end. We lost the game. We gave the other team a 4-ender. I played third, and again, I felt out of place. Lots to reflect on from sparing in this curling game.
There is no better learning than the counterexample. I learned that lesson from Dr. Peter Liljedahl in math education. Here we are at the counterexample. I took some Advil last night and a hot bath to warm up after the game before going for bed. I had hoped to wake up this morning with a new outlook… and no pain. Nope. That wish was not meant to be. I woke and send a text message to my Friday night team that I could not play due to injury. I needed a spare. What is disappointing about not playing tonight, besides not playing, is that tonight is our last night of play in this year’s curling season. Luckily, my injured skip said that he is willing to return to the game tonight. Whew. This news brought me some solace. I’ll be watching tonight.
Although this is not the way I wanted to end the curling season, I am so grateful for all of the lessons I am experiencing and learning from. As mentioned, I am out of the game tonight due to an injury. I had to swallow my pride and park my ego to ask for help… a spare for tonight’s game. If I was true to myself, I have to be vulnerable and honest with how I am feeling and act accordingly. Asking for help is humbling. You don’t know how it will turn out, but trusting in oneself, the outcome will always surprise you. I guess this is surrendering to the situation. You can’t control the outcome. I can’t make myself feel better (i.e., heal my injuries overnight). What I can control are my actions. I had to ask for help. I am so grateful that it’s my skip.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, March 22nd, 2024 | Comments Off on Calling for a Spare
March 22, 2024 – Injured