Photo from the UNBC School of Education Facebook Page. EDUC 405 – Reflective Practice through Inquiry and Portfolio – Last Class – Course Instructor: Christine Ho Younghusband – September 6, 2024
September 8, 2024 – The end of an era
Welcome back to school. This is my 6th year at the university and each year has been different, exciting, and new. The experience has been a moment for learning and transformation. As I approach the end of another school year, this will be the first time I will not be supervising the 10-week practicum and I did not supervise the 4-week practicum as well during my non-teaching term. Last term was my first non-teaching term with exception to EDUC 405 (Reflective Practice Through Inquiry and Portfolio) asynchronously. What I had opted to do last term for EDUC 405 was to offer office hours, provide feedback on Block 2 (aka., the winter term) blogs and posts, and prepare this crew for Block 5 (aka., the fall term, the final term for this professional teacher education program). I wanted to make the conclusion of EDUC 405, held at the beginning of Block 5, to be instructive, experiential, and purposeful.
Admittedly, the design and implementation of this course was challenging, or shall I say “pivoting,” to be responsive to the needs, feedback, and feelings of those in the program. In Block 2, I opted to redesign the course to conclude the portfolio course on Friday, September 6, 2024 even though I intended the course of reflective practice and inquiry would benefit from the practicum experience that is iterative and scaffolded throughout the entire program. Teacher candidates transform into colleagues during the 10-week practicum and it would have been amazing to include that voice into the portfolio as evidence of change over time. However, the perceived workload, lack of intrinsic value, and misunderstanding of the course intentions inhibited the success of a fulsome portfolio. In the end, I step back and allow. This group will be the last cohorts to use portfolio to document reflections and inquiry within the teacher education program. This day was more about saying goodbye.
My intention… to engage in a fulsome final class together. The class started with a Land Acknowledgement and the lessons I learned from making the drum. I also wanted to make a correlation with my experience with the drum and portfolio. The message… the drum as a product is not the learning, but rather the lessons embedded in making the drum mattered most. We then lunged into the learning intentions of the class and that we would be experiencing summative and formative assessment practices as learners, but these ideas could also be used during their practicum or future teaching practices in K-12 education. I created a system for students to provide peer feedback and present their work. The focus was on formative assessment, student agency, and “the conversation.” We went through three rounds of dialogue. Each student provided 4 presentations, 8 peer-assessments, and 1 self-assessment. Then, we took a moment to try the “fishbowl” discussion framework to reflect on the value of reflective practice and inquiry and hopes and dreams for Block 5. Finally, we went outside to the ceremonial fire circle to provide “two words” to conclude the course. I was really happy how the class ended.
I wish this crew in the photo all the best. Thank you all for an awesome class!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 08th, 2024 | Comments Off on Back to School – Year 6
Northern Lights in Banff, AB during the Outdoor Learning Conference in May 2024.
Hello September 2024… and I feel that it’s time. I’m ready to jump and take a leap of faith with a flurry of “things to do” and achieve in my work and personal life. Now that my non-teaching team has reached an end, I feel that I found a beautiful balance between resting, writing, and conferencing. I really enjoyed travelling to new places, meeting new people (and reuniting with others), and sharing some of my work to receive some formative feedback. I was pleasantly surprised what people found interesting and I am so grateful that folks are willing to share their interest and enthusiasm with some of the work that I am engaged in. Moreover, I was able to connect with others during the summer to partake in other research projects that are super interesting. What I appreciate though is making the connection. It feels great.
Gosh… it has taken some time (i.e., time to change from tenure-track to tenure) to feel ready to take a chance and explore the possibilities of finding a tenure-track position. Although that seeking such a position is the target, but really, what I am learning is, I am limited in the kind of what I can do as a term faculty member. Don’t get me wrong, I can do a lot of things as term faculty. And, I love teaching and trying out new ideas, so I’m not sad about teaching and continually trying to hone my craft and learn new things. It makes my job fun and I love connecting with students. But during the summer, I realized that I am not able to do some things because of my term position that caught my attention and brought me to wonder about “what do I really want to do?” The answer to this question, at least for me, was not obvious.
Learning experientially has always been the best way for me to learn. I’ve spent the last 6-years learning about higher education, program dynamics, and what was important to me. Concurrently, I was also learning more about myself and my life has changed, shifted, and transformed in ways that was not predicable or desirable. Finally, I feel like I’m on my feet and seeing things with a clear perspective and realistic expectations. Now that I feel more like myself with nothing to prove, but only enjoy the work that I do, I’d love to have a position that offer the flexibility, openness, and purposefulness that I am hoping for. I am so prepared to embark on a few big projects but spent a lot of time deliberating if I could do it. Now, I understand that I can start my work and get things started. The goal is to see where this work take me.
I have never felt so excited. After I take this moment on my blog reflecting on this feeling and understanding, the journey begins. In many ways, it has started, but this next step is about me and the directions I want to take. Of course, if I remain in the same position, I will continue working on these projects that are currently in my imagination as well as finish up on the work that I am currently engaged. What I do know is, the possibilities are endless and I love the idea of having a VISION. Having a vision resonated with me after listening to Dr. Dwayne Donald’s keynote address at the UNBC Teaching and Learning Conference. For me, my vision is that MATH MOMENT… the aha… the joy that comes from discovery and the growth and development of one’s sense of self-efficacy… fuels me. I just can’t wait!! Let’s go…
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 02nd, 2024 | Comments Off on Feeling Ready to Jump
It’s the end of August and next week is the first week of the school year. A new cohort of teacher candidates arriving to the program as well as new students (to me) in the graduate course I am teaching. I have a tonne of things to do, and for this, I am grateful. I managed to complete a chapter with the help and collaboration of my colleagues on a research team, I presented at a national and local conference, and I monitored one of my courses asynchronously. I’m not sure where July and August went. The time just few by and I am so grateful to have some time to rest, travel, and find my rhythm. I love to teach, coach, and present. Connecting is my jam. Yay me!!
Maybe it’s the MATH PERSON in me, but I love making patterns. I had an awesome time supporting a small group of teacher candidates with their presentation at the UNBC Teaching and Learning Conference on August 28, 2024, and I presented twice on August 29, 2024. My first presentation was a LIGHTNING TALK about “in situ” learning at Harwin Elementary for EDUC 421 (Assessment and Motivation) and the second presentation was a panel discussion of which I organized a “fishbowl discussion” with research team members, design team members, UNBC School of Education students, and anyone else who came to our session to talk about local solutions for global impact regarding climate change. All 3 sessions went very well.
I ended my work week (and my first non-teaching term) with working on the webpage for a research project I am working on. I spent about 8-hours to train on the platform, of which I got 100%, and about 4-hours updating the webpage. That work was super satisfying. I was totally procrastinating the online training. The online delivery is not a teaching/learning style I prefer, but I managed to do much of the training in a tent, on a ranch, in Vanderhoof… with wifi… during my tiger time (i.e., 12am to 4am) at a retreat for another project I am working on. I can see why I procrastinated the asynchronous training. It took me awhile to understand what information was important and unimportant, and there were some inconsistencies within the platform. When I returned home, I figured out the glitches and submitted my work. 100% is very satisfying, and updating the webpage was even more satisfying.
What I am realizing is, I do a lot of work that many people may not recognize, see, or value. In the big picture, it does not matter. I like what I am doing. I love travelling, meeting new people, and presenting at conferences (even when the 7-minute Lightning Talk took me HOURS to create, compose, and prepare for). It’s never perfect and I’m always willing to try new things. Most of all, I love to MAKE CONNECTIONS. I love making connections between policy and practice, connections with people, and connections within my practice. I don’t need external validation (i.e., an award, recognition, or promotion). I get plenty of unsolicited compliments from students who can see and experience my work. That’s the ultimate goal. I just need to remember to DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. Everything else will fall into place.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 31st, 2024 | Comments Off on Finding My Flow
August 26, 2024 – She called me calm and peaceful.
I’m sensing a pattern with blogging as well with my routines and ways of being. Maybe my weekly blog is a mid-week activity versus a weekend activity. TBD. It’s so ironic. I spent the past year trying to condition myself to “take Saturday’s off”… aka. “be a person day.” Sunday is a slow transition back into work and Friday night is a transition out of work. Of course there is flexibility and such with my time, but I feel that my mind, body, and spirit as become accustomed to having Saturdays off. This Saturday, I engaged in a 4-hour session on making a drum at the Two Rivers Art Gallery. Yes, being a part of this workshop is very aligned to “be a person day” but also aligned to my personal and professional development. It helps me practice.
It’s a beautiful drum. Elk hide. Thank Michael Antoine for making the kits and sharing your knowledge, stories, and singing and drumming with the group. What an incredible voice. I appreciated his pedagogical stance of pride, humility, and enthusiasm. It was a beautiful balance that was held together with humour, love, and culture. It was an amazing afternoon and I learned a lot from the experience… again. This is my second drum. I can keep this one. I loved how the day ended with a circle and the salmon song. It was so powerful and meaningful to me. My first drum is made of moose hide and focused on the wolf. The style, technique, and experience were different. I appreciate the localness and personalized nature of each drum experience. Thank you Two Rivers Art Gallery and Crystal Behn for hosting this event.
I believe I made my other drum almost 13-years ago. Wow. I can’t believe it. I was in such a different headspace then and I feel like it’s a new beginning. This Saturday, I wanted to focus on being present, to listen to the lessons the drum was teaching me, and to have my heart open to the course instructor and those who were sitting next to me during the course. I remained quiet and cognizant of what I was doing. I wanted to be intentional and in a “good place” because whatever I was feeling or thinking was going into that drum. After I took a big breath to centre myself mid-drum making and the person to my left said that I was “calm” and “peaceful.” That caught me off guard. I’ve never been called that. But at that moment, I was calm.
I noticed the frustration of folks around me. Looking for perfection, worried about doing things wrong, or feeling self-conscious of the quality of their work. For me, I was focused on trust, forgiveness, and self-compassion. I shared some of those ideas with my neighbouring folks to help them to be OK with what they are doing. I appreciated the unsolicited help from the person on my left, I helped (along with others) the person on my right and a person across from me. I found the validation and encouraging words from the instructor very helpful, but I felt like I’ve been here before. What I loved the most about this experience was the MATH. Look at it!! The image above show a how things were halved, quartered, etc. The counting, the symmetry, and the estimation (and the physics and chemistry too)… were all good!!
We were also provide supplies to make a drum stick, which was not in the original plan of the course. I took the opportunity and super happy with what I had made. I was such in a “good place”… I invited my daughter to go to Thanh Vu for some beef pho. This meal is one of my favourites and it makes me feel like I’m at home. I’m not Vietnamese, but I love the restaurant and the comfort and joy that comes from this bowl of soup and being with my kid. I hung up my drum and over night I could hear it “ping” when it was drying. There were about a half dozen pings and I noticed that one of the holes in the hide had ripped while drying. This “imperfection” is perfection. It’s my drum. SALMON is coming into my life in many ways. For this, I am grateful.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 26th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making a Drum
I started this blog post a couple of weeks ago and abandoned the post because I started to overthink and pre-judge what was worthwhile to write and post about. I am still wrestling with the topic believing that I should be posting something else or something of interest. Well, I’m back. It’s mid-week, thus indicating I missed my self-imposed deadline of blogging on the weekend, and following through on this blog post. There is something about “being in the right mood” or frame of mind before I can move forward. This delay might look like procrastination, resistance, or defiance. I could force myself to blog (or anything else), but the authenticity would not be there.
Now, I’m in the state of flow. The last two days were 12+ hour days filled with some incredible meetings with folks I am connecting and collaborating with, and being productive. What I am learning is, how to be independent, how to think for myself (without the approval of others), and how to feel ok with what is. That’s it. As simple and obvious as that sounds, I was stuck and behaving in the opposite way. I was dependent, worrisome, and doubtful. I was and have shifted. All I want to be is in the flow. So here I am, and it feels great. Thus, I have returned to my food pic post.
The first pic at the top of the blog post is a big breakfast out. Ideally, I’d love to have this big meal at a hotel restaurant, but this image was taken at White Spot in Prince George. I love thinking about the different permutations this meal could be. It could have pancakes, toast, sausage, ham, or shredded hashbrowns. I am consistent with the eggs being sunny side up and I will never choose ham as an option. Every other item is based on how I feel that morning. This time it was waffles, bacon, and smashed potatoes. If I unpack why I love this meal so much, it was probably something that I was not allowed to have as a kid. I had always perceived it as fancy.
Below is a sample set of some food pics of food I enjoy. I have captioned underneath each image what it is and why I like it so much. I am confident there are many other foods like “lo bak go” from a previous post that love so much as well. I think for me, food is not only enjoyable and tastes good, but I love the experience and the memories they bring back to me. Understanding my love for food also unpacks some self-knowledge that I took for granted and never examined. It’s something to consider when I look in to doing an autoethnography and understanding my ethnic identity.
Raw oysters from Earl’s in Prince George. It reminds me of the oysters my kid and I had in Mexico in December 2023. It’s good memories, but its nice to know I can get this seafood in Prince George.In Prince George, it’s not that easy to find Chinese or Asian food that resemble the food in Vancouver. These soup dumplings from Costco are awesome with a scoop of chilli oil. 3 minutes in the microwave.In the hunt for Chinese food in Prince George, I found frozen BBQ buns at the Superstore and a variety of frozen dumplings at a local store downtown called the Marquee. I’m pretty happy with both items.Oh my… I love the WEDGE salad from the Keg and the Brown Sugar Shaken Oat Espresso from Starbucks. This meal was a winning combination and I believe I was watching the Olympics 2024.The best deal in town… RAMEN at Sendo… a local restaurant in Prince George. The combination includes a bowl of ramen and 4 dumplings. i add a diet coke to the meal. The total before tip is $15.My last Prince George contribution is a combo plate from Famous Wok at the Pine Centre Mall. The taste, the noodles, and the price (LOL) resemble what I know and love about Canadian Chinese food.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 21st, 2024 | Comments Off on My Love for Food
August 13, 2024 – Situating Myself that Values Myself
Who wants to write a vulnerable blog post? Not me. LOL. I did start my weekly blog post on the weekend by highlighting my love for food. I had no problems scrolling through my photos to find images food. Not just any food, but my favourite food. It was an excellent collection. I even took the time to edit which photos I would share on my blog post. Of course, I hesitated to blog. Is this what I want to share with THE WORLD. Maybe. What I am learning is, how do I put myself “in the front” of things. Meaning, I need to find my value and act accordingly. I spent a good chunk of my time “pleasing” others and doing things that I thought I was supposed to do or was expected of me. Now, I want to be true to myself and act in ways that are aligned to me and my values. It sounds strange to say this as it may imply that I never did. In some ways, it’s true because I would park my own needs to accommodate others.
Learning takes patience and time.
This First Peoples Principles of Learning is something that I take to heart and one of my good friends took the time to describe its meaning to me from the perspective of a Haida woman. I always find this particular First Peoples Principles of Learning in MATH lesson plans. As much as I appreciate the intent by teacher candidates, that would be a western or colonial viewpoint of what this principle really means. What was described to me was, you will experience something but it’s meaning or application will not make sense until it makes sense. Sometimes it could be in that moment, but often it could be days, weeks, months, or dare I say… YEARS later. I feel that I have arrive. The same friend also “called me out” one-year ago (just before I got into a car accident) that my #pandemicreflections blog series that attempted to identify what was important to me was another exemplar of doing the same thing.
She was right. I can name a list of things or experiences that are important to me as “important” but really, what’s important to me, is me. Just like that. As simple as that sounds, it took many opportunities, conversations, and reflections to realize this learning. Yes, learning does take patience and time. Now armed with this new understanding, I find myself acting in ways that honours my values and who I am. I love this saying, “I can compromise with others without compromising myself.” I could not have said it any better. Moreover, my Chair even supports the “new” direction of my research program (i.e., an autoethnography, my ethnic identity, my positionality). My other work is aligned to this work, but what I am also learning is, the target is not a promotion or tenure, but the joy of research and learning more about ME. Ah yes, a Parker Palmer vibration: SELF-KNOWLEDGE. It’s not narcissism, but rather grounding.
I am also learning walking this new path, aside from being super excited about it, I am going to have to learn what it means to put myself first and to do things that are authentic to me. I find myself catching myself and moments, and pausing, re-evaluating, and reflecting on how I would like to move forward in the world that feels good to me, but also considers others and their well-being. It will not be perfect. I am learning. But, I am so grateful to know what’s really important to me and I have a responsibility to act accordingly. This feeling and understanding are liberating and I can’t wait to learn more about Chinese immigration to British Columbia, my heritage and family stories, and more about myself and my positionality starting with my hometown of Prince Rupert. Piecing this puzzle together will be my life’s work and I am very appreciative of the opportunities that are afforded to me to do this learning.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 13th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making the Commitment
I never thought it would be possible to make lo bak go on my own. I have no idea what inspired me to do it, with exception for the biweekly vegetable basket my kid had signed us up for with her friends. This creation came from our second basket. And much like the first basket, there were a lot of red and white radishes… and other vegetables I am not personally accustomed to. Anyway, it’s a good way to be introduced to new vegetables and to explore new recipes. That said, a few weeks ago, I roasted the beets and radishes with salt, pepper, and olive oil. It was a simple recipe I Googled and it I thought it would be something that I would like. In the end, it was ‘ok’ or as the kids would say ‘mid.’ I was not compelled to eat them and honestly, I thought I could do better. When the second basket arrived, we got more radishes and beets as well as other mysterious vegetables (to me). I need to take some deliberate action to transform some of these vegetables into something “I want to” eat.
I had to Google a lot to determine the difference between a turnip and radish, and where does “white turnip” or “Chinese radish” sit within this continuum of root vegetables. I still was not 100% sure, but proceeded with the recipe using the white radishes. I even ventured to Save-On-Foods last night to get “rice flour.” I think I threw that out a few months ago thinking that I would never use it. I also threw out the bag of little dried shrimp. My kid made me lo bak go for Christmas last year. Admittedly, it stank up the entire apartment (LOL), but was the BEST-GIFT-EVER. I just love this food. The amount of work required to make this dim sum or Chinese New Year dish was seemingly intense, from watching my kid (and my mom as a kid). I thought it would be something that I would have to gorge myself with when I went to Vancouver. I have a set out rules for my family: (1) only Chinese or Asian food; (2) I have to have lo bak go at least once a day as part of one of my meals. I can’t get enough of this stuff.
August 7, 2024 – I made it again… like a pro!
A slight interruption to the blogging process and I’m back again… and yes, I made a second batch of lo bak go like a PRO. I remembered the process and ingredients. I had to look back at a few measurements and voilà. It’s almost like I’ve created a system such that I only use a few kitchen items and clean as I go. “The smell” is minimized without the dried shrimp, but it would definitely enhance the favour and texture of the lo bak go. Anyway, I digress and as you can read… we got a lot of radishes in this veggie basket. I had to freeze the second lo bak go loaf. As much as I love this food and it brings many memories of my mom, I am left to wonder about how my mom knew how to make this in the 80’s when we had no internet. There was a Chinese community in Prince Rupert, but I don’t really know how she learned how to make this dish. I do remember the long and laborious process, and she was able to make other Chinese dim sum like rice rolls. That’s another favourite dish of mine, not as much as lo bak go. It’s not everyone’s favourite but I am so happy I can make it.
THE METAPHOR: Trust me. The lo bak go experience is teaching me something. I had always believed that it was too hard to make so don’t bother making it. Just buy it (when you can). Other people will make it… for me. What I have learned is, I can make it for myself. I can find ways to make it happen (i.e., Google a recipe, adapt with materials, and make the best at what I have). What’s the worst thing that can happen? What I am understanding is, the worst thing that could happen is not trying. I have exceeded my expectations. I had no idea what I was about to embark on and what I have realized is, it’s not as hard as I thought it was. I can learn from my mistakes. And, I can make it better the next time. There’s immediate formative feedback (i.e., taste, texture, presentation) and I can take that information and learn from it to do it better the next time. Moreover, when you do it again, the process gets faster, cleaner, and clearer. That’s exciting. Lo bak go is a metaphor for my work… my life. You will only know when you try. It can be scary and uncertain, but not knowing and staying in “old beliefs” are also scary and uncertain. So, which would you rather? I’m going to try.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 07th, 2024 | Comments Off on Making My Favourite Food
August 2, 2024 – A Hat Trick – I’m going to Hawaii
Oh my… I’ve just finished making, adapting, and finalizing my travel plans to Hawaii. <<BREATHE>> I’m going!! I’m having a moment right now and having some difficulties starting and writing this blog post. I am committing this trip to Honolulu. Today, I just received notice that my two paper proposals were reviewed and accepted by the Hawaii International Conference on Education 2025. Last year, I missed out. I should say that. What really happened was I hesitated, second guessed, and missed my opportunity. In the end, to go to the conference last year, it got way too unaffordable. I just could not go. Disappointing because last year’s conference was on the Big Island, but really, I was not suppose to go. I was not ready. Now, I’M READY!!
I’m still experiencing a bit of sticker shock, but I am compelled to jump in and apply for an internal grant to hopefully fund this trip. Either way, I am going and I will be presenting my work. I can’t wait. I love the idea that my research is in the Scholarship of Teaching and what I will be presenting are two examples from my teaching practice in higher education written as a program evaluation. I FEEL READY to share these ideas. I just realized today that an innovation I had pursued 5-years ago was slowly eliminated from my program at my university (of not my doing), but it the ideas were adopted in a graduate program at another university. My aha moment was, these ideas that I do have are worthwhile and they work… for folks who want it to work.
In Montreal, I presented five times at Congress 2025: once for OTESSA (technology education), once for CAARE (action research), and three times for CATE (teacher education). Anyway, four of these presentations are projects in collaboration with others and one of them was a solo pursuit. What surprised me at that conference was the interest expressed by peers and audience members for my independent work. People were interested and curious about the topic. I did not expect that. It has taken me months to internalize that feeling and accept it. What I understand now is, formative feedback is not always direct but it can be indirect and serendipitous. Also, it’s me believing in my work and in myself. What I do (and love to do) has value.
Part of my VISION is to go to Hawaii. I know that and I need to not only present my work, but also learn more about culture, place, and identity. I have full intentions of exploring these ideas relating to my ethnic identity and I am learning that I have to learn about “who I am” or as Parker Palmer would say, develop my self-knowledge, on my own. My mom has passed away and my dad is alive, but distant. I need to pursue this work as an autoethnography, but it correlates to other research interests as well. So, as much as I can reason why NOT to go to Hawaii, but all arrows are pointing towards… I’ve got to go. I rebooked the dates of my hotel room. I’m staying one more night and I have an ocean view. Dreamy. I got a bit of a deal on my plane ticket too.
I am reaping the rewards of my WestJet card… finally. I never thought I would see the day. I used some points for my plane ticket to Honolulu, and I used points and travel companion voucher to take me and my kid to Las Vegas too to celebrate being 21. We are going with my siblings too. It’s time with family and my kid over the winter break. I am super excited about that trip too. Ooo… I’m developing a liking to travel. I never thought I would, but I am reminded by some words of advice given by someone I met on my Italy trip at the castle. Travel now, when you can. One day, you won’t be able to travel… so go. This person makes a very good point. TO WHAT EXTENT? Well, enough that it serves me, I am able to afford it, and I derive a lot of joy from it. 🙂 Mahalo.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 03rd, 2024 | Comments Off on To What Extent
What a strange week. For most of the week, I’ve been in a cognitive paralysis. I started the week with a monthly session and ended the session with many aha’s. Ever since, I’ve been stalled with “the death scroll” or free video games on my phone. You could call this avoidance or numbing tactics. Either way, I was deeply committed in doing so. It’s even been a struggle starting this blog post. I think I’ve started this blog post almost a dozen times over the last few days. I feel compelled to write about my reflections this week, but really, I think I’ve been resting with what I’ve learned earlier this week. In essence, it’s the LAW OF ATTRACTION. I’ve watched this movie many times a decade ago, but I never understood it until now. My mind is blown.
The Secret. I won’t got into the details as to how or why I know, but THE SECRET makes sense to me now. For more than a decade, my life was in crisis and I led my life in survival mode. My life was out of control and I was so separate from who I am. On my healing journey, I have been slowing life down such that I have chosen COMFORT over COURAGE in many situations. Feeling safe was a primary need. I needed to slow down to reconnect with myself… to feel grounded. In doing so, I have never felt more happier. I have so much gratitude for the little things and I am more focused on myself and how I feel. As mentioned in my last blog post, I need to create a vision. In fact, my vision has not changed. On the one hand, I thought my dream was not possible and on the other hand, I thought I had achieved it. Truth, neither were true.
So, I’ve been scrolling through my photos and thinking of the times I went to Honolulu. I went the Hawaii International Conference on Education (HICE) two times, so far. I went by myself with my colleagues in 2013 and again in 2018 with my family. The first time, I had no idea what I was doing and too scared to do anything. The second time I went, I was more focused on tending to my family’s needs that presenting my doctoral work was in the shadows of everything else. I applied to go last year. The conference was held on the Big Island. I really wanted to go, but I got spooked and hesitated. In the end, I could not afford to go. Maybe in hindsight, I was not suppose to go last year. I revised last year’s proposals and I submitted them for review for this year’s conference back in Honolulu. Now, I am clear and grounded.
I hope to go to HICE in 2025. You can see the timing of things. It would have been “timely” to have gone last year so that there would be a 5-6 year gap between conferences. Looking back, I was not ready. I need this time to rest, restore, and return to who I am. Below, I posted a few photos from each conference. I’m showing you the “good ones”… LOL. Looking back, I don’t even recognize myself. My level of insecurity and uncertainty was high. This commentary is not to say that I did not have a good time. There were definitely memorable moments. But now, I am curious what it would be like to go back to Honolulu, to share my current work at this conference, and explore the island in a way that is aligned and authentic to me and my interests. I’m excited. I still have to wait to hear back from the conference to see if I was accepted to not to present. I feel confident, but if it’s not this conference, I’ll be back. These images are part of the vision and I am super stoked for this next chapter.
Photos from January 2013:
Photos from January 2018:
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 27th, 2024 | Comments Off on Sense Making and Understanding
What can I say? Today used to be an important day for me, but now, it’s just another day. It did not occur to me that today was “the day” until I looked at my phone and noticed the date. I could spend a lot of time wondering what had happened or regret the years behind me, but really… I spend no time on the past. What I have spent a lot of time on lately is figuring out what’s important to me. I thought I was doing that during the pandemic during my weekly #pandemicreflection, but my good friend called me on that. She was right. Who was I fooling? I guess, myself. Lots had to change in my life to get to who I really am. First, I understand that understanding my values (first) will help with my boundaries, not the other way around. Second, I love my kid and will do anything for her. I believe the feeling is mutual. Finally, I am important and I have value. The last point has been the most difficult to internalize, but its the work that is most worthwhile. I have found peace, calm, and solace.
Part of understanding who I am is fully accepting my positionality. Part of that is being the youngest child of three, being a second-generation Chinese Canadian woman, and being a person with a doctorate with something worthwhile to say. For most of my life, I’ve been living in the shadows of others and often would choose that way of being because it was something that was familiar, comfortable, or expected. As much as I thought that I was a “change agent” or “trouble-maker” but really I was a person who spent much of their time trying to fit in and follow the rules. The problem was, in doing so, I thought I was meeting other people’s expectations or pleasing others. I thought that “doing a good job” would get noticed. Sadly, it was noticed in such a way that it was expected of me. As a result, I was moving away from who I am and became someone I did not recognize. Weirdly, I did not even know I was doing this.
Now that I’m on my own, living with my kid, and starting a “new life”… I am learning how to be me (rather than someone else I’m thinking that people want me to be). Let’s be clear, I reached achievements in that former modality and I am grateful that I was able to achieve what I have achieved, but I need to GET OUT OF MY WAY. In my former way of being, I wondered why I was not “being seen” when really, how could I be seen when I was trying to be someone else I am not, to live in someone else’s shadow that’s not mine, or to hide and avoid conflicts or confrontations such that I get nothing that I want to accomplish. This blog entry is getting into something more deeper than I had anticipated, but I’ve been avoiding this blog post all weekend. I can see why. I am having to overcome “a truth” that I have to overcome. I spent much of 2024 so far resting, reflecting, and reassessing. I have to catch myself… and pause.
I don’t want to fall into the same patterns.
I’m in a holding pattern and I need to take the messages I am receiving on REELS during my “death-scrolls” on social media: (1) I am the CEO of my life; (2) have a vision; and (3) live in the present. Find the joy. I am totally aligned to Brené Brown’s work. The act of being vulnerable and you have to choose between COMFORT and COURAGE because you can’t have both at the same time. This message resonates with me deeply. I have been choosing comfort for the last 5 or so years. There has been so much change, loss, and trauma such that COMFORT = SAFETY. I have not felt safe and secure in such a long time. How can I be myself when I rarely felt safe or secure? As a consequence, I am always protecting myself, defending myself, or isolating myself to the point where “what I really desire is what I am avoiding.” Yes, that’s another message from REELS. Today, I feel safe. I feel secure. The more I am learning more about myself and my positionality, the more I like myself and feel more ready to be seen. I’m shifting from living a life of fitting in to a life I want to live.
The choice has reached a tipping point to choose COURAGE. I need to get myself out of my way. Step aside Christine and make room for CHRISTINE. Yes, it’s “Christine” in all CAPS. As Brené Brown says, in the cringy, uncomforable moments, stay with it and be BRAVE. My former pattern would have been run away, blame, or hide. Now, it’s time to put myself out there, be open to feedback, and just persevere and stick it out. I need to develop my GRIT for life. I love how my kid said to me, YOLO, mom (as she was encouraging me to travel and see the world). I have a vision. I thought that I had satisfied this vision 10-years ago. I’m wrong. I have not lived it out yet. Do what you love… live your life… make your own path… that’s all that matters!! (((deep breath))) Knowing this, feels good. I am so grateful for this day. Today is CHRISTINE DAY. It’s one I celebrate with joy and pride. And yes, I bought myself flowers, a squishy, and Marble-Slab ice cream. Live your best life. It does not matter what other people think.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 21st, 2024 | Comments Off on Onwards and Upwards
