Beading as Learning

September 23, 2022 – It’s Friday. So much for writing my mid-week blog mid-week. That’s ok. What I am learning is, “it’s ok.” Maybe the framework now is a blog post about teaching and learning during the week and a weekly #pandemicreflection blog post on the weekend. Now at the end of my second full week of teaching, my week is very compact and Wednesdays are a 12-hour+ day. From Monday to Thursday is very busy for me and my kid is going to school full time and continues to work a couple of days a week. We share my care. it turns out that finding balance during the week can be challenging.

Focus on the givens and figure out your space and time in between. Now, it’s Friday. Of course I stayed up late because I could only get some work done during the day and there is always work to do afterwards. I have to grab, take, and choose time that is just for me. This act of self-activism for self-care is critical to my health and sustainability in this profession. I am really enjoying my work as teaching and I am learning how to find time to delve into the writing part of my work. Service is always on the go. I have no problems with service except for my time and I need to consider how to best monitor my time for service.

Last night, I took the bus downtown from the university (while listening to a webcast on my phone en route) to go to a beading class at Two Rivers Art Gallery. Although the bus did not stop at my desired stop (or the next one and the next one) until I asked the driver to stop, I love the space and place of the art gallery and the opportunity to bead (and gift my beading) in community. I meet new people and I’m in my happy place creating patterns and art via beading. It might be the math person in me or maybe I was always artistic but repressed this love for beading (and hopefully weaving soon) for years and never knew it.

I find joy in beading (and weaving) and learning from Indigenous artists and knowledge holders makes the learning experience more meaningful and purposeful. I think it’S because I was assimilated to the Canadian culture and identity as a second-generation Chinese woman, I find solace learning some of the culture of local Indigenous Peoples as if I am learning some of my culture. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I am enamoured and humbled by Indigenous Peoples in Canada seeking Truth and Reconciliation, and reconnecting to their culture, language, and ways of being. A part of me wants some of this too.

I am learning more about the Chinese experience in Canada which helps me to understand the kind of racism and stereotypes Chinese people are subject to in Canada. Not all people of colour are treated in the same way and the history of each ethnic group and immigration into Canada does inform how people can be treated or perceived. I am not a historian by any means, but I am more curious about my identity and how this identity was formed as a second-generation Canadian. I know that I am a person of privilege regardless of any obstacles I have faced. My parents made that happen for me and I’m grateful. What I am wanting to learn more about is what it means to be Cantonese.

Hmm… I am left thinking. I was intending to write about what I learned from my beading experience last night, but the writing process took me into a different direction. Writing is thinking. I really appreciate that and I look forward to do more of this and remain curious as to where it takes me. I never thought I would be a writer, but I am learning that maybe it was always in my destiny and what makes it difficult is what I resist or deny. I will say that what I did learn from beading last night was the following: (1) nothing is perfect; (2) no one is going to notice; (3) do you best; (4) you’ll find your rhythm; (5) surrender; (6) be open to what you need to learn; (7) ask for help; and, (8) be kind to yourself.

Teacher Dreams Are REAL

Week 131 – September 18, 2022 – Living our your fears

I am so grateful to have two good sleeps out of the week but the teacher dreams are real and memorable. Normally, I don’t remember my dreams but dang, I remembered the last two nights and honestly they felt pretty real to me. Often teacher dreams are not “nice” and often play out our fears. Admittedly, that’s exactly what happened to me and those fears are real, internally and externally. I am manifesting or have manifested my fear in real-life, it’s playing out in my teacher dreams, now I’m looking for a remedy. I’m not sure what to make of it and notice I’m not sharing my fear.

What I am really hoping for is something from with is so scared poopless that I will do something about it. Albeit, my mindset is shifting and I’m not scared. I’m a little annoyed with myself but I will say that annoyed it not quite the word either. As I shift my job around, my surroundings have not changed. In fact, they remain much the same. But, what has changed is my mindset. I am taking on the way of being where I’m not “shoulding” myself into doing things. I’m not driven by shame or fear. I can’t take myself that seriously. I won’t. I want to lead a YOLO life without the FOMO.

What I am learning is honouring who I am and it’s far from perfect. I’m ok with that. I can’t be someone who I am not and I have to stay true to who I am (and not abandon myself). I did that for many years to the point where I got lost (if that makes sense). It’s taken me a year of self care and self love to understand that I am who I am and I will do what I need to do on my own terms and respect myself as I do things. I have to “be the leader who I’ve always wanted” and “forge my path instead of following.” I’m prepared to do this. At times I’ll ask for help, but only some are able to lift me up.

One of my mantras is much like the golden rule. Whatever we want for students, we have to want for ourselves. It’s interesting to think of that way of being. I have to listen to myself. What I want for students is not exactly what I am giving myself. I need to be kinder, more patient, and be willing to make mistakes. I don’t want to overthink things and feel resentful or regret. This is my time to model for me, my kid, and my students. I can’t let fear get the best of me. I do second guess, but in the end it’s for me to decide and make my path. Nothing is permanent. I want this for me.

The First Full Week

September 16, 2022 – Whew. Where is the time flying to? I have no idea. It’s a totally different school year and I’m learning that I have a few things to shift in my mind and way of being to make this new pathway for me in my work and my life. I think there are parts I have to let go others, others I have to surrender, and some accept. Sometimes that’s not easy to do and will require growth on my part to achieve.

I don’t want to dwell on my failures, but really I want to look at these mistakes or mishaps as reminders of what I can and cannot do, what I want and do not want to do, and what I need to work on or walk away from. Mistakes or failures are not easy to for me to swallow, but the truth is, they are learning opportunities. This full week back at work had many successes but there are definitely things for me to work on.

It’s been great to return back to work and be in person with students. It’s really joyful. My Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are full. They are my teaching days. Tuesdays and Fridays are more flexible. I do have meetings and need to prep for my teaching days. I need to figure out to structure those days so that I am maximizing my time, but also get to my writing. Blogging is a great way for me to get in that mood.

I can see that I need to be writing everyday and pacing myself with my work. I’m finding things are done with a level of urgency (or not done), but the long days or deep desire to rest is so essential to balance in this upcoming year. I love that my friend just wrote to me so say that they see themselves as a researcher now versus a practitioner. That’s a beautiful aha to share with me and my transition is slower.

I see myself as a learner, so that may manifest as a researcher, teacher, or student. I do not see myself as an expert, but I have been receiving a few requests from the outside world that would suggest an expertise, but I feel like I’m not there yet. In the end, I have to feel good about my work and one of those ways to develop a LOVE for my work is to do the work. I know that I am passionate about my work. Another aspect of what I need to do is get organized, prioritize, and say no sometimes.

This week I had to say no a couple of times. Lots to consider but I also need time to think things through. I am so pleased that I have folks out there to help me out with some of these decisions as I am figuring out this path that I am creating for myself. I love to teach and there is so much to share and learn. I’m already running out of time. It’s frustrating but also exciting, because I do have an expertise (I suppose).

Now it’s time to move onto my next writing piece that I need to get completed today as well as meet others at different times and get my classes and week organized. I am so grateful and excited to do the work that I do, but I am on my way to creating my own path to personalize my work so that I am telling my story and learning more about what’s important to me. I was talked to the other day to be discerning with my time with respect to service. I would agree with that. Often that work fills my cup.

Lots to consider and I will continue to learn, make mistakes, and take action that works towards the career I want to build for myself. It’s almost like doing the Kon Mari with my time, my work, and my way of being. I can do this. I look forward to the upcoming long weekend to recalibrate and get ready for next week. So much to do before the month concludes. I need to really consider what’s worth doing. Yay me!

Being Creative Helps

Week 130 – September 12, 2022 – Overdue and Overcoming

Oh my… I’m just writing this second blog post soon after the last one I wrote because I made a commitment to blog weekly during the COVID-19 pandemic and then added an educational blog mid-week to help me with creating a new habit of writing on a regular basis. I started blogging to help me with the writing process. I look back at some of my early blog posts and they were short, vague, and somewhat incoherent. Overtime I tinkered with the blogging process, FIPPA, and distribution of my work.

I think I have landed on a way of being with my blog especially with the inability to access my blog directly (due to the 2-step authentication, moving, and a new phone) and blogging from my homemade laptop like contraption with my iPad and Bluetooth keyboard from my iPad mini. It seems to work and I’d rather type with QWERTY than with my thumb on my phone. At least my typing skills can keep up with my thinking. My thumb is MEH at best. I’ll leave the thumb texting to social media and texting. There is nothing more annoying than auto fill and thumb texting. Low accuracy.

Oh geez… I’ve just thought about another thing I have to do (aka. Write) soon after this blog post. I need to do it because I will not get to it once the week begins. OK. What I am realizing is, I need a schedule to insert when I am going to write, rest, and work. This makes sense. I know that we tried to get to this with my academic coaching, but a lot of that work was about my research agenda and recognizing my worth, my goals, and my strengths. What I have learned is, I am doing the work. There is nothing more exciting that realizing you’re on the right track. Keep going.

One aspect that I did make time to do during the week and on the weekend was BEADING. I am enjoying it so much and I hope one day I can also engage in weaving. I was listening to a podcast and they were saying that you don’t become an artist, but you were always an artist but never given the opportunities to develop or explore it. You can replace the word “artist” with anything else. Basically that podcast was about, we are who we are taught to be, so how can we find ourselves in that mess. That might not be the best summary but that’s what I took away from the podcast.

Anyway, I feel like I have found one of my places in Prince George… Two Rivers Gallery. I am really enjoying the beading workshops held at the gallery and I am learning so much from the act of beading. I had no idea that I would enjoy beading. I had always believe that textiles or foods were not my areas of interests or expertise so I never even bothered pursuing home economics courses in high school or anywhere else beyond it. Today, I am a food pic foodie and beaver. Who knew? I am also in a profession where I have to read and write. I never saw that coming.

Making time to be creative fills my cup and in return helps me to do the work I need to do with my writing and teaching. I love the learning embedded in beading and I am always humbled by the act of beading. The people at the gallery are amazing and I feel privileged and honoured to learn from Indigenous people to bead. It’s a gift. What I love about the canoe (as you see above in the image) is that you learn how to make this key chain and you give it away, then you are give materials to make it at home. This makes sense to me. You always gift your first creation. It’s your learning.

I am happy to be back blogging and getting back to the work that I have to do. I am also happy that I am willing and able to make time to bead and create. And, I hope that I can move forward with school year with the mindset of learning and creativity. I love what I am doing here in my blog and how it has evolved over time (without the pressure of too much editing because I’m working on my iPad) and trusting the process. When I get too fixated on the mechanics or logistics of things, the goods internal to the practice gets lost. I am focused on deliberate practice and my joy.

Return to Work

September 12, 2022 – I will have to admit, this should be the “back to school” blog post that I wrote mid-week (aka. A few days ago). Nope. I’m writing 3 minutes before it’s actually Monday and trying to catch up on all of the things that I imagined that I would be doing on the weekend but now I’m going to do an all-nighter (like I would normally do). I’m not sure why this is my tendency but this has been my way of being ever since I had to do “homework.” Returning back to work has been more difficult than I imagined. I’m not saying that it has been stressful, but I am trying to figure out how to balance work, life, and my joy. Think of a Venn diagram… all three overlap.

Last week was only an abridged version of a regular work week. I’m teaching 5 different classes this term. One graduate course, one undergraduate course, one year long course, one practicum course, and one graduate capstone course. It will be a busy term. I am also committed to writing and I have conference proposals due this month in addition to a couple of manuscripts to finalize for publication, a couple manuscripts to draft, a book review, and a professional conference to prepare for. OK. I will admit, after typing all of “my things to do,” I’m a little overwhelmed. That said, this is exactly where I want to be. This healthy list of things to do is my list.

What I mean is, I’m creating this work. I am learning how to become an academic with a full teaching load and no time committed to research. I have decided to keep to my current load of service and I am making an effort not to join anything else that could and would take any more of my time. I am happy with what I am contributing to my department, university, and the profession as 20% of my job. 80% is teaching. 0% is research, but I need to adjust my time so that it’s about 40% of my time. Huh. I’ve just realized that 40% is two days, which means my weekend. There is nothing like the writing process to help me think things through. This is a good awakening.

Thank goodness there is another week ahead of me. I will have to try again with a “real” work week. All classes are in session and I have to get my conference proposals in by the end of the month as well as my book review and maybe my 2 manuscripts. HOLY MOLY. I was so pooped after last week that I spent most of Saturday napping and Sunday doing errands. Those are good things as well, but I do need to find balance. What I do want to say is, I am happy to be a participant in orientation and I was so happy to meet some of the incoming students and reconnecting to ones returning. I taught 2 classes and had one meeting with grad student and loved it.

I have to say that my most favourite part of my work is TEACHING. If I look back at my career, I believe this has been always true. Sadly, I always focused on my deficits (much of what we were taught in school) and not on my strengths. Strangely from teaching teacher education, I am definitely switching gears and focused on my strength… aka. Teaching… with a mindset of learning… which will lend to my writing. I am finding mentors and I was so happy to engage in academic coaching in the summer. I am always learning and honestly, that is my happy place. I am a learner.

As I am prioritizing my work, why did I choose to return back to my blog versus the many other things I have to get done for tomorrow (aka. Today)? I love to blog. Writing helps me think (because writing is thinking). I love what I get to learn from the writing process and from my coaching… I just have to be OK with late nights. This is my TIGER TIME and I really enjoy working in the middle of the night with the TV on in the background and nothing else is up except for me and my brain. This is my preference and I figure that maybe part of my brain is asleep so I can think… There is no science behind that, but sometimes I feel that way when I’m productive at night.

I am super stoked to be back at school and I am very excited for what the year can bring. I am building new habits, creating clear boundaries, and critically assessing why I feel the way I do sometimes and finding how to focus my energy in good ways. I think I was enjoying my last weekend of REST and now I am going to venture into the new year figuring out how to use my time that is sustainable and productive. There is no separation between personal and professional. It’s just me. All is good.

Knowing Your People

Week 129 – September 4, 2022 – Knowing Thy Self

What I am beginning to understand to invite the people into my life, I also have to know thy self too to connect in ways that are aligned to my values and wellbeing. I feel so lucky that I spent the summer to redirect the ship, shall we say, to move in a direction and in ways that are true to who I am. It’s been a longtime. I think the last time I felt this confident in who I am and who I connect with was when I was 14.

I had a bike accident in Grade 9. I don’t recall what happened in that accident except that I found myself in the hospital and 3-days of my life are gone. Missing, really. I still have no recollection of what happened except for what people told me, which was I was somewhat foul with my language and behaviour. It’s clear to me I did not want to be there and everyone did their best to make sure I was on the mend.

At that time, I had a huge bump on my head with a scab. I remember picking the scab while working on a French project and I started to bleed. Back to emergency, I go the bump drained and the doctor opted to flip over the skin to continue the draining. My head was dressed and I wore a cap for a good chunk of my Grade 9 year. A long story made short, the skin flap died and I have a bald spot to remember this life event.

Aside from sharing what I do remember about my bike accident, I was also a bit of a tomboy as well in Grade 9. Hoodies, sweatpants, runners, wooly socks, and my cap. I remember walking down the hallway of my school and someone said something to me. I don’t remember if the comment was racialized (I repress those memories) but I just walked by and said, “I believe that’s your problem, not mine.” How liberating.

I feel like I am back to that person, who can stand tall in the shoes they are wearing. In knowing who I am, I can also be more clear about who I want to spend my time with. For years, I was unclear. I spent time trying to meet other people’s expectations. I abandoned myself to please others. Inside, I was slowly eroding. This past year has been about rebuilding myself and feeling good about who I am and my purpose.

Understanding myself better in turn helps me to create boundaries and know who is in my bubble or not. For quite sometime, I thought it was everybody. What I am learning is, the outcome returns back to my edu-saying of: “It depends.” I am building my learning community. I am connecting with those I trust and care for. I can no longer give myself away or my power to please others. I can’t do that anymore.

Building Momentum

August 31, 2022 – Getting Ready for School

I cannot believe that the summer is over and it’s time to return to school. My kid is going to college and I’m heading back to the university. I do feel like today was the “official” first day of work, but I’ve been working all along with moments of rest and play. Yesterday I participated in the first day of the Stellat’en Salmon Festival and had a wonderful time. I loved learning on the land and from the land. I walked along the river, witnessed the gift to the river thanking and asking the salmon to return, and I listened to the singing, drumming, and stories of the people to remind me of the First Peoples Principles of Learning, humble myself to understand, and respect the land.

This image above inspires me because it reminds me of my mom and what she had learned from Indigenous Peoples in Prince Rupert. I’m hypothesizing, but I can make implicit connections of my past as a child and what I am learning today as an adult. I often wonder who my mom learned from and connected with in the community. We always had salmon, eulachon (ooligan) fish, and abalone. My mom would can the salmon and abalone, and fry the ooligan fish. I loved it as a child and miss it dearly. I loved being immersed in community which reminds me of my time with the Pulling Together Canoe Journey and what I learned during those summers. I am grateful.

I remember the power of the canoe and my relationship with the water. I remember being in the canoe one day and it was a beautiful sunny day. I was in a transition in my life and it dawned on me one voyage that I was a doctoral candidate. Why this matters is, I was because a doctoral for a year and I could not acknowledge it. The swiftness of the canoe is dependent on the health and wellness its crew members, and the water is a place to let go. There were so many lessons learned from pulling the canoe in calm waters and ones I remember paddling air but trusting in the crew to paddle forward and we would arrive safely. Trust and connection mattered.

Here I go and returning back to work with a new contract and new conditions for my job. I am focused on teaching and service, but I am also carving out time to write. I feel that I spent the summer learning about what my limitations are, my strengths, and my interests. I was working with an academic coach, I closed off one chapter of my job in terms of administration, and I identified my research agenda. I wrote my course syllabi with my vision and pedagogy in mind, and I look forward to meeting the students and adapting these envisioned learning experiences to meet their needs. I am also realizing that I need to write ASAP because things are shifting rapidly, but also I acknowledge that I am on the right track. I am making my path forward.

I am looking forward to this year because I am choosing what I want to do. I love the courses I am teaching, and I love teaching and working with students. I am always learning and I want to and need to keep my mindset as the learner. Be humble. Experience. And listen to elders, the land, and knowledge keepers. Working with the salmon at Stellat’en reminded me of these lessons. I am excited about what the new school year will bring and I am happy with the decisions I’ve made to be where I am. I am learning what triggers me and walking into those feelings to understand how I feel and why it matters. It’s ok to breathe, pause, and reflect. I am heartened to have the time to do this deep thinking as well as grateful for the people I work with.

Found Myself

Week 128 – August 27, 2022 – Fall is coming

Oh my gosh… It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been out walking. I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. I was being absent minded and twisted my ankle in the middle of my parking lot at my apartment building. Can you believe my Crocs did not stabilize my stance? I was personally shocked and fell down because it was better than trying to say standing up as if nothing had happened. The pain has not ceased but I am able to walk. I have not gone to the doctor or physio, but once again, I needed to slow down.

My ankle still aches, but I am realizing that I cannot take anything for granted. One quick fall and POOF, it’s all gone. Health and wellbeing are not given. You have to work at it, much like everything else in life. One the one hand, I know this. On the other hand, I needed a sprained ankle, a gallbladder attack, or a writing-win to know that I am in control of my destiny so what am I going to do about it? Strangely, this is a great feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way, but now that I do… look out!!!

Life is almost over… LOL (well, it might be)… and I feel so lucky to feel like myself. I think most of my blogging has been about sense making and figuring out why things are the way they are through reflection and writing. Although I had the hidden curriculum of developing my writing skills (and soon to be reading skills), I am grateful that thinking and understanding through writing, especially during the pandemic, has been very helpful. I reached out for help, said no, and took a rest.

What can I say? I feel great. If my body is any indication of what’s happening in my mind and spirit, things will change very soon. I’m focused now on my physical self because now I feel that my mind and spirit are at peace. I’ve learned how to say no, let go, and be ok with things that I cannot control. In doing so, I can see what I can control and what I can choose to do (or not do) because I’m focused on my joy and happiness. What makes me feel good and how can I be true and respectful to me.

Admittedly, my mom was trying to teach this to me… even on you last day of life. I also know that there are many other people who also believed in me and was also there to help and support. But in the end, it was me who had to believe in me. Now that I do, I feel calm, happy, and fearless. I’m don’t feel frantic, angry, or resentful. What a wonderful place to be and I am looking for the fall term to see how the next steps of life will manifest. Gah. I might go to physio for my ankle, but I am happy.

Gratitude as a Practice

August 24, 2022 – Second Submission

Here we go… the mid-week blog post on education. I will say, this post might be more about learning. Aren’t the two terms synonymous? Maybe that was a rhetorical question, but I said it. Anyway, I cannot believe how good I feel. I am so grateful. As I’m developing my practice in writing, I’m also honing in my practice for gratitude. Here is my second submission and I’m totally stoked. I feel Ike I’ve turned the corner and I’m ready to run forward. Forget about just moving forward. I’m running. Watch me go.

Every moment is working towards the future you want for yourself. But to get there, you have to celebrate and savour the moment. I am so grateful for the work I’ve done this spring and summer terms. Honestly, I think that I’ve been always working on this but now I see it, believe it, and want it. My drive and my desire (aka. My Why) it at the centre of who I am and who I want to be. I can see it, finally. I have moments and look back at how life was and remember how I felt. I was so numb. I was hiding. I was broken. Now I feel alive, excited, and true to myself.

Gosh. I’m blogging from my phone, I’m so exited to blog. I’ve finally found some clarity in my work and what I want to write about. Something that I’ve held onto was written in one day, submitted, and copy edited. I did not hesitate to read the feedback, I was excited. And dang, it was all minor changes. Mainly formatting. Woohoo. I had 1-2 weeks to return the short paper and nope… less than 60-minutes from when the email was sent to me reading and accepting all changes. I feel so validated in the work that I’m doing and I’m getting positive feedback from the field. What I needed to do was to find the courage to write, put my authentic self forward, and send.

I am so grateful for the feedback and I know that someone wen out of their way to provide me feedback so that I can become a better person and writer. There is nothing more exciting than getting the work that I get to do. In the right state of mind, I’ve re-read the scholarly expectations of my department and I saw myself. That’s never happened to me before. I could see my work “fitting” into these expectations without having to compromise myself or pretending to be something I’m not. The Scholarship of Teaching… is my jam.

The sad or sorry part of this story is that someone was trying to tell me this 1-year ago. Omg. I didn’t even understand what that person was saying to me. The person said, “my work is my research”… and that “I’m doing the research.” What was this person talking about. I’ve wrestled with this and had moments of understand, but now I get it. Another person asked me almost 4-years ago, “if you are a professor, then what are you professing?” Another person said to me, “90% completion of 10 papers does not equal to 9 papers.” Oh man… another person said to me “be selfish… you will not advance in your work.” Another person said, “do what you want to do.”

There are so many more things that has been said to me and it didn’t make sense… until now? I find that bewildering but I am creating what I want to see. This is a big idea. Trust is key. One step at a time is critical. Staying focused on what’s important to me matters. I’m done with betraying myself. My work is worthwhile. The only person I’m impressing is myself and right now I’m exceeding expectations. I’m blowing my mind. I need to embrace this moment… with gratitude… like the photo in this blog. I got a cookie and an orange juice on the plane today. The flight attendant came back to me and asked if I wanted the rest of the can. I said yes. If made my day. A beautiful metaphor for today.

Gratitude as a Practice

August 24, 2022 – Second Submission

Here we go… the mid-week blog post on education. I will say, this post might be more about learning. Aren’t the two terms synonymous? Maybe that was a rhetorical question, but I said it. Anyway, I cannot believe how good I feel. I am so grateful. As I’m developing my practice in writing, I’m also honing in my practice for gratitude. Here is my second submission and I’m totally stoked. I feel Ike I’ve turned the corner and I’m ready to run forward. Forget about just moving forward. I’m running. Watch me go.

Every moment is working towards the future you want for yourself. But to get there, you have to celebrate and savour the moment. I am so grateful for the work I’ve done this spring and summer terms. Honestly, I think that I’ve been always working on this but now I see it, believe it, and want it. My drive and my desire (aka. My Why) it at the centre of who I am and who I want to be. I can see it, finally. I have moments and look back at how life was and remember how I felt. I was so numb. I was hiding. I was broken. Now I feel alive, excited, and true to myself.

Gosh. I’m blogging from my phone, I’m so exited to blog. I’ve finally found some clarity in my work and what I want to write about. Something that I’ve held onto was written in one day, submitted, and copy edited. I did not hesitate to read the feedback, I was excited. And dang, it was all minor changes. Mainly formatting. Woohoo. I had 1-2 weeks to return the short paper and nope… less than 60-minutes from when the email was sent to me reading and accepting all changes. I feel so validated in the work that I’m doing and I’m getting positive feedback from the field. What I needed to do was to find the courage to write, put my authentic self forward, and send.

I am so grateful for the feedback and I know that someone wen out of their way to provide me feedback so that I can become a better person and writer. There is nothing more exciting than getting the work that I get to do. In the right state of mind, I’ve re-read the scholarly expectations of my department and I saw myself. That’s never happened to me before. I could see my work “fitting” into these expectations without having to compromise myself or pretending to be something I’m not. The Scholarship of Teaching… is my jam.

The sad or sorry part of this story is that someone was trying to tell me this 1-year ago. Omg. I didn’t even understand what that person was saying to me. The person said, “my work is my research”… and that “I’m doing the research.” What was this person talking about. I’ve wrestled with this and had moments of understand, but now I get it. Another person asked me almost 4-years ago, “if you are a professor, then what are you professing?” Another person said to me, “90% completion of 10 papers does not equal to 9 papers.” Oh man… another person said to me “be selfish… you will not advance in your work.” Another person said, “do what you want to do.”

There are so many more things that has been said to me and it didn’t make sense… until now? I find that bewildering but I am creating what I want to see. This is a big idea. Trust is key. One step at a time is critical. Staying focused on what’s important to me matters. I’m done with betraying myself. My work is worthwhile. The only person I’m impressing is myself and right now I’m exceeding expectations. I’m blowing my mind. I need to embrace this moment… with gratitude… like the photo in this blog. I got a cookie and an orange juice on the plane today. The flight attendant came back to me and asked if I wanted the rest of the can. I said yes. If made my day. A beautiful metaphor for today.