Appreciating Rest

Week 116 – June 5, 2022 – Sustainability and Joy

After almost working 4-years at the university, this has been my first May and will be my first June living in Prince George. I am mesmerized by the weather change, pollen from the Cottonwood trees, and sea of dandelions while the grass turns green. I’ve been settling in to living here full time and by August will make a full year. I am so glad that my daughter decided to move up north with me and live together with me.

For the past 10-months, I’ve been learning a new way of being and flow to life. It’s has not been a smooth or straightforward journey, but it is one that I am carving out for myself. This agency is new for me. I just finished the second season of Bridgerton yesterday and the first season last week. No guilt. No shame. Just joy. Watching those shows were just for me. It was much better than the short clips seen on Facebook.

Yesterday, I took the day to rest (even though I had intentions of catching up on work). All I did was sleep. My body needed the rest, not just my mind. As I remind myself but also the students I teach that REST is part of the productivity plan. I would not have believed that a few months ago, but the more time I take for deliberate rest, the more able and willing I am to get things done (i.e., email, reports, meetings, etc.).

Rest was a tough lesson for me to learn. I think that I spent most of my life trying to prove my worth and value without taking the time to pause and reflect on what I have to offer to the world. I am reminded from time to time, but unwilling to hear what’s being said. I don’t believe it, thus compels me to work harder, but for what? The harder I work does not get me closer to where I want to be, but actually further.

I take on too many things such that I can’t get anything done. It’s awful and feels horrible. Being in the service of others is great, but what about me. My mentors say, “research is me-time” and “be selfish” or “no one is looking out for you but you.” Gulp. I’m listening but trying to make sense of all of this. Much of my life, personally and professionally, has been trying to life up to other people’s expectations (so I thought).

What do I want for myself? This is a very good question, admittedly struggling to answer. I want joy, security, and contentment. I love what I do and want to keep learning. I’m not sure if I’m into material things, per se, but love stuff like Lululemon and Starbucks coffee. My friend shared with me a podcast about TOXIC POSITIVITY. Sadly, the podcast resonated with me because I think I lived most of my life that way.

I’m not feeling sad for me and I’m not regretting the self-fulling prophecy of failure or underperformance I lived for many decades of my life. In fact, I am feeling more happier than every. I can experience joy. And, I can see some of my strengths. I am learning how to create boundaries and set goals that are wholehearted and joyful. I want that for me, my kid, and for those I am working with. It has to be sustainable.

My kid just turned 19. I’m thinking about joining lawn bowling. And, I’m charting the next few months to write because it’s something I want to do. I want to write the book about my mom and I want to write about my practice and educational programs that are transformative and contributes deeply to the student learning experience. I will continue to learn and do what makes me happy… to rest… and find joy where I am.

Writing My Story

Week 115 – May 29, 2022 – My kid is an adult

It’s hard to believe that we are 115 weeks into the pandemic. It’s become the “new normal.” We are living with COVID-19 and finding ways to get back to regular life. I will admit that the pandemic offered me valuable time to reflect and understand what’s important to me. Last week I switched my blog from a reflection of what is to celebrating what I love. It’s still a pandemic reflection but focused on gratitude.

Today is my kid’s 19th birthday. She is and has been the best part of my life. I never anticipated on having children as a professional, but I had her when I was 32, a year after I got married and completed my master’s degree. I was so grateful to have her. She transformed my life ever since she was born. Giving birth to her was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life. It was humbling, scary, and rewarding.

I remember the day when we took her home, I wondered… who is this stranger in my home? She was 100% dependent on me and she has taught me so much as a person, mom, and educator. It’s been a journey, no question. I cannot believe it’s been 19 years together and I am so happy that she lives with me in Prince George and she is also independent. She has become a beautiful adult and I’m so happy for her.

My kid has made the last year AMAZING and I am so grateful that she is a part of my life. Having her here has helped me to settle in this new place, to start my new life, and write my story. It’s taken some time to feel settled and more like myself. I love where I am and I appreciate all of the people I’ve met and befriended. Last week was convocation and I was so proud of the graduates but I also loved seeing people again.

It has come to my attention that I love what I am doing and I am not defined by others. I have to define what I want to do and I am the maker of my next steps. I look back over the last few years and honestly, my life was crazy. I was uncertain and driven by extrinsic motivators that I felt were out of my control. Now I see that my drive is intrinsic and it’s in my control. I learned this from my EDUC 634 course.

I love people. I love my kid. And, I love the authentic relationships I am making. I am living the next chapter of my life and I am hopeful and optimistic. I understand that this journey will not be perfect, but I am able, competent, and wholehearted. That’s all that matters. I know that my area of work is judged and consumed by others, but the lesson I am learning is that I am part of the formula too. Do what gives me joy.

Focus on JOY

Week 114 – May 21, 2022 – Food and Travel

It’s time to pivot my blog posts. I’m going to continue with the weekly pandemic reflection, but I am going to focus on what I love. I know that many of my blog posts during the pandemic wrestled with defining what was important to me. I would like to blog about what’s important to me. The pandemic had offered many days for reflection and contemplation. For me, it’s been at least two years of transformation and self-actualization. I want to celebrate that. This pivot in my blogging approach represents the next step of my identity development as a human being. I am joy,

For anyone who follows me on social media, particularly Twitter, I love selfies, my kid, and food. I love posting what I eat, whether it be because of what’s yummy to eat or who I am with. I love eating. For me, eating reminds me of my mom, gathering, and connecting with those who you love. I loved going to dim sum on Sunday’s with my family or celebrate with a “double duck” dinner. That would be Peking duck. I am brought back to good memories. I remember my mom making homemade rice rolls when we lived in Prince Rupert, BC. Looking back, I am so amazed and impressed.

As you can see in the photo above, my memories are provoked with familiar flavours from frozen veggie potstickers. I live in the Central Interior of BC and somewhat distant from the Lower Mainland, I can see the value and convenience I had living on the Sunshine Coast, near to my mom and Asian cuisine. My mom has passed, I’m no longer with my partner, and I am on a new career trajectory… I am (re)learning how to find myself again. Moving here led me to search for authentic Cantonese cuisine in Prince George. Admittedly, I was not successful but I do find a few close options.

My daughter and I like the Chinese food at Flaming Wok at the food court in the mall. I should mention that we are vegetarians. Chinese food sans meat is challenging. My kid has been vegetarian for a few years and I’ve been for a few months. For me, it’s for health reasons, nothing more. It also easier for the both of us to be vegetarian. We like the green onion pancakes and rice rolls from Superstore and the veggie egg rolls from Costco. There is a place in Prince George to purchase frozen dim sum, but all of it contains meat. That said, when I went to Vancouver to visit my family and use my Westjet points, my brother took us to a vegetarian dim sum restaurant. Delicious!!!

What inspired me to write the blog post was from watching TV. On CNN, Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy, reminds me of Anthony Bourdain on CNN and Somebody Feed Phil on Netflix. I just love the premise of these shows. The food connects you to place and people. There is history. The stories of food connect you to who you are. I just love the idea of travelling and tasting food from different regions of the world. I know of the memories that I have of food and to listen to the stories of others through their love of feed excites me. I am heartened to hear the stories about place and people. I am reminded by ideas of identity, love, and connection. I want to do this.

The Power of Connection

Week 113 – May 14, 2022 – Feeling Whole Again

The day after Friday the 13th. I feel rested and reconnected. I felt so lucky to be part of the professional development session in SD91 in Vanderhoof, BC hosted by KOH learning. I was able to go to this event with half a dozen teacher candidates as well. They attended this event on their own time, so learning together was truly a gift.

The primary theme and function of KOH learning is CONNECTION. They focus on the Nechako waterways and in doing so connect students, community, educators, and researchers. I just loved the day. It started with Dr. Peter Liljedahl with a virtual session on Building Thinking Classroom followed by outdoor learning activities.

It felt so good to be connected with others in person as part of the professional learning experience again. I loved meeting new people, reconnecting with people, and learning with teacher candidates. My cup was full and I was grateful for one of the Teacher Candidates who drove us to and from the event. It was good to connect.

Shall I say that I really enjoyed the egg sandwiches I had at the pro-d event? The sandwiches were delicious, vegetarian friendly, and reminiscent of the sandwiches my mom never liked. Not sure why? They are THE BEST… just like deviled eggs. Yummy. I’ll admit it. The sandwiches were a highlight to my day (and the swag too).

Wanting to blog on Saturday… I was pooped. I started to write this blog on Saturday (as noted above) but continuing it now on Wednesday, May 18, 2022. I would like to note that I love Saturdays. I had to learn how to take that day for myself. The day was filled with chores, parenting, and rest. Saturdays are sacred time. I was so tired.

Now I’m well into the next week and spent quite a bit of time preparing for today. I presented at a national conference with a folks from the university. I had a academic coaching session a couple days ago, and a fulsome chat with my sister last night. What I have learned is, I need to be kind to self, I love what I do, and I can do more.

Let me clarify… not “do more” to fill up my things to do list, but “do more” in terms of not underestimating what I am able to do. I can do this work and I watched a CSSE session this morning and inspired by the Governor General and thoughtful panel. Disruption is part of my work. I got clarity on my research agenda and I’m stoked.

Although I feel pulled in many directions, I had to make decisions that was best for me. Making that choice was very difficult for me to do because I rarely choose myself as a priority. Sounds strange, but I am learning what it means to prioritize myself and feel good about it (without being narcissistic or selfish). It’s ok to be first on the list.

Anyway, I chose rest and created some time and space for me to prepare for today’s presentation. I needed that time to present with my team in a good way. I am so proud of myself and my team. I am learning about learning and more about myself. After talking to my sister and discussing what she is learning, I feel transformed.

I have one more presentation to give tomorrow and I will spend time tonight to prepare for it, then I will return back to prep for the graduate courses I’m teaching and to the teacher candidates I am supervising for their 4-week practicum. There is no dull moment this month, but now I know I am able to take one step at a time.

Listening to My Story

Week 112 – May 6, 2022 – Pause and Choice

What an interesting week. I’m brought to a place of deep reflection and declaring what is important to me and why. Ah yes… MY WHY. Although Simon Sinek would say that your why does not change over time, what I’m realizing is that it’s taking me time to hone into my why. With more time, there comes more clarity. I would also say with more experiences and questions from critical friends also help to clarify.

This week continues the journey from last week. I was so overwhelmed last week and this week was a bit better, but I’m now in a place to question, wonder, and commit. I have been asked a few times this week… “What is your goal?”… “What do you really want to do?”… “What brings you joy?” In these conversations I was feeling validated and I needed to hear what each had to say from their perspective and expertise.

The spring term started and I am left running. I’m teaching a compressed course for teacher education, a spring intersession graduate course, and supervising a capstone project for Serena’s graduate students. What was I thinking? I love every moment with these students but my time is spread thin and I am presenting at conferences this month and papers to write. What do I need to do to get where I want to be?

I need to address those questions being posed to me. The irony does not pass over me knowing that I’m teaching a course on achievement motivation. In this course alone is enough for me to reflect and self-evaluate how things are going and where I want to be. As one person said to me recently… you have to be selfish if you want career advancement. That can challenging for me, but I do understand what’s being said.

Most of my career and MY WHY is in service to others. Much of what I do in my life is to help others. I do find joy in that, but I guess the question is, what I am I doing to help myself? What am I doing that is good for me? What am I working towards? I am so grateful for people who are helping and guiding. This honesty and integrity are so appreciated. It’s more than just what I am interested it, but what am I committed to?

DELIBERATE PRACTICE. This concept was part of my dissertation, but show up again in the graduate course I’m teaching as well as self-efficacy, intrinsic motivation, and attainment value. Goal orientation theory shows up as well as self-determination theory. We discussed in our class the term “amotivated” (low beliefs in one’s abilities thus one places low value in academic tasks). I can see how this impacts motivation.

I can see how setting a goal helps. In past, I have set goals for myself that seemed out of reach. More recently, I’ve tried to set more attainable goals, but they don’t seem to resonate with me like the big dreamy goals. The dreamy goals I set for myself in past, I have attained them. The question is, what’s next. I took much thought about this and this week has turned another corner. I have set my dreamy goal. I’m ready. Let’s go.

Asian Heritage Month

Week 111 – May 1, 2022 – My Mom Visited Me

I have a tonne of things to do. Some things are well overdue, but I’m getting to things one task at a time. I did not know that life could be so challenging at times. I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again. Admittedly, it’s a bumpy ride. Keep you ego in check and open your heart to learn, forgive, and surrender. It’s a little weird for me to be writing this blog entry and it’s on Week 111. I say that because when I do see series of ones on my phone, for example, I think it’s my mom. So here we are at 111.

This week was a struggle for me for many reasons and it seemed like everything was happening at once. I was overwhelmed and had so many tasks to get done. Lots of what had to get done depended on the inside work I had to do to get the outside work done. I’m not talking about indoors and outdoors, but rather the work that I had to do with my mind and spirit. My heart was heavy but opted to enter the week with my chin up and tried my best to face what the universe had to offer. I was not envious or jealous. I was not angry or frustrated. I was feeling more uncertain and unclear.

You think that you can hide how you are feeling, at least, that’s what I thought I was doing. I was doing my best to be open and approach the world with a smile. It was so good to see folks from out of town. Some were familiar faces while others were new. I realized how much I loved connection and being with people. I had a huge need to BELONG. I even googled that to see what my personality type felt about belonging. Even though I have a rough or shiny veneer, deep down inside I need community.

I have community in different places, but more recently am acknowledging that I am not a part of a community in other places. I could be self-sabotaging or just hiding myself from the world, but belonging has been tapping my shoulder and in small ways have been receiving messages affirming that this might be true. It was a heavy week and I could barely keep things together. I even brought my computer with hopes of getting work done at the conference, but I never opened it up once.

Over the last few days, we had people at the university visiting my program. One part I participated in actively and another part took a step back and participated only. Both parts felt good and I have to notice and recognize that. In the latter part, I navigated the conference as a learner (carrying my laptop around). I felt like every conversation, presentation, and interaction I had was meant to happen. It was like people were talking to me, but about the same thing. It was informing and weird.

The common theme was mom. By the afternoon, I opted to go to another workshop that was different from the one I signed up for. We sat in circle and I just wanted to cry. I was smudged earlier in the day, but that afternoon I was called to be in that room. The right people were there in the circle at the right time. I could not let my sadness out. My inner strength (or fear) kept many of my tears inside. I felt like the person leading the circle was talking to me. The words hit me so deeply. Words around the circle caught my attention too. Kiwi birds, wings to fly, and belonging.

It was a powerful day for me and was affirmed by another person in the circle that they felt an energy around me. A positive force with lots of good to come. They told me privately that they were receiving messages and images that this energy was proud of me. There was a lot more said, but all I could say was, it was my mom. Still from the other side, she is trying to guide me. She is my biggest cheerleader. I am so grateful to those who are able to translate those messages to me. I really needed it that day. The event ended and my day concluded with lots of laughs and beading.

What I have learned is, you can’t hide. People can see you. My self-doubt was getting the best of me. It was winning, but with all those I chatted with in the last week (including my mom) has opened a door for me that I could not see. I am walking through that door. My heart is full and I can only do the best I can do. I need to belong and accept myself for who I am so that I can realize my gifts. Thank you creator and all those who were part of my day that day. It was April 28, 2022.

What a wonderful way to enter this week with celebrating Asian Heritage Month. I am so proud of my mom and the strength she gives me. And, I am so grateful for all those who are in my community. I needed your strength to understand my place.

Every Moment is a Teacher

Week 110 – April 22, 2022 – Happy Earth Day 2022

Everyday presents an opportunity for learning and every experience is a teacher. I wrote several blog entries this week and feel like I am turning a corner. I can let go. I can have my voice. I can feel good living up to my values and being true to myself. In doing so, I can learn from and with others. I can reflect and find joy. I can by myself.

Last night I had the opportunity to bead with a others at the local art gallery. As you can see from the photo, this is what I’ve accomplished in 2-hours. We are making beaded earrings. The second of two sessions is next week. I have homework. That’s ok. There is something so wonderful about beading that helps me with my writing.

What I also love about last night’s class was the opportunity to be with people again. I even recognized a few people I know and met a few more people in the meantime. Being with others filled my cup. I loved learning something new. I loved being in community. I cannot express how much I loved this (despite all that I have to do).

I was so humbled by the experience. What beads to choose, what size of circle to make, and what is involved in the technique were a few things I had to consider that night. It was freeing and paralyzing at the same time. I just loved gabbing with folks and learning from the instructor. The generosity, love, and joy were cup filling.

Today, I had an online experience that felt the same way. I just loved listening to others and inspired by what they each had to say. It reminds me of Circle Craft in Vancouver. I just love to listen to hear people’s passion and expertise. What I love to do is to make these opportunities for others (and myself). I am feeling very lucky.

I learned about what it means or talk like a researcher. There is a language or dialect that I am missing or working on. It was also clear to me what I am passionate about as well and it’s ok that it is different with others. It can also complement or intersect with others and I need to take a moment to be clear about my mission and purpose.

What I am learning about this pedagogical journey I am on is to stay humble, stay curious. I do like systems. I do like order. I also like justice and doing what’s right. I understand this and I need to stick to it. MY WHY does not have to be like others. I feel more grounded than ever to move forward with the work I need to get to now.

There is no better time the the present. Know that learning new things take longer than expected. Be patient and kind to self. Ask for help, if needed. It will happen.

Happening All At Once

Yes. It’s true. Another inspired blog. Honestly, I’m a bit overwhelmed and I just found out today that I am presenting at the same session as my friend at a national conference. I just got through my grades for the winter term and I wanted to provide some feedback to my students on their progress in the program, but also model (as best I can) what I preach… in assessment, teaching, and learning. No pressure, right?

I feel so great that I was able to get that marking done. Most of the students are meeting or exceeding expectations. PROFICIENT on the 4-point proficiency scale would be an understatement. I am so proud of their progress and what they are learning and taking agency of their learning. I’m spell bounded and humbled. Reading through all of their summative work taught me so much. I love learning.

Talking about being overwhelmed… it snowed 13 cm yesterday. It was April 19, 2022. When my friend told me that I was presenting, that was the first I heard of it. I know that my proposal was approved (after the fact), but to see my name in the program was affirming that it’s really happening. Truth, I thought I did not get in and struck it off my things to do list. Well, that paper and presentation is back on the list.

Unfortunately, I am also writing 2 other papers with 2 presentations as well at a parallel conference as well as serving as chair and discussant at other sessions. Gulp. It’s busy. This is not to mention that I am teaching during the spring term, course syllabus need to be published, and I am presenting at another conference at the end of the month. Is this what it’s suppose to be like? And, I’m applying for a tenure-track.

I’m not sure how this all came about. It’s happening all at once. Hindsight, I’m so glad that I was not part of the planning committee the the Dean’s Roundtable next week and I took a step back from a few things to get other things like paper writing and conferences onto my things to do list. Honestly, it’s a lot and I’m not sure how this all works. Talk about experiential learning at it’s finest. I’m talking to a coach tomorrow.

Will all that is swirling around me (while I take a brief moment to celebrate my achievement of marking and learning more about the students in my program), I take some solace to slow down and take a moment to put some of my thoughts down (digitally) and find some solace in all that I am doing. Yesterday was a tough day. Today I’m over it and I’m being flooded with good news. For this, I am grateful.

I am so glad that I have this forum to express myself and sort out my thoughts in a #pandemicreflection kind of day. I sit in my bedroom/office/dining room to reflect. I was even DM’d tonight from some who was from the Sunshine Coast but are coming to Prince George for the Deans Roundtable. They reached out to me to say hello and introduce themselves. I said, we should do coffee while they are here. Way too fun.

Blogging for me is not just for reflection but also for gratitude. I am grateful for all those who are in my circle. As much as I hate asking for help, when I do, people help. I appreciate people’s generosity and kindness. I need to remember who my people are and not get too overwhelmed by those who are the “candle blowers.” Brene Brown posted a short video on social media about this. I need to keep my light.

I do have people around me who will keep my candle burning and I will help them as well. The reciprocity of friendship is often overwhelming and humbling to me. I have no words for those who take the time to walk beside me and listen. Their patience and compassion are overwhelming and breathtaking. Just as my friend said to me, FIND YOUR JOY, know what battle you are picking, and be sure to get your way.

One thing I need to overcome is my perception of selfishness. ME TIME is not selfish. Self-care is not selfish. Self-compassion and kindness are not selfish. I am still learning on this journey called life and I am realizing my potential and my WHY. I’m done chasing something that I think others want for me. I’m done trying to be someone else or trying to impress someone else. What I am learning is, I’m enough.

Numbing and Reading

Although I have committed to a weekly blog (during the duration of the pandemic… aka. Seemingly forever) and not committed to a daily blog (not possible because I tried several times and cannot fathom a daily post and feel bad when I can’t do it), I do want to honour those time when I feel inspired to blog. That’s how I blogged before the weekly #pandemicreflections and worked well (from my point of view). You’re welcome. A run-on sentence to introduce today’s blog. Numbing and reading.

Is this imposter syndrome? Mmm… I don’t think so. I think it’s about mindset, efficacy, and vulnerability. I have admit, I am deeply influenced by other people’s opinions but have been spending much of my time during the pandemic trying to unravel what’s important to me and why. And while I’m doing this, I am modelling for my daughter. I will admit this has been a challenging time for me to find my strength and I want to be visible with this journey without feeling shame or worry about what others think.

I’ve been spending time observing myself over the last week or so and perplexed by my behaviour. How I am behaving feels almost involuntary or unconscious, but what I believe I am wrestling are my own daemons or perceived obstacles or barriers. I’m still thinking about the weekend I was in Vancouver and how I am feeling now. I’m at a crossroad and have to make a decision. Unfortunately, I am avoiding it instead.

My behaviour has been uncontrollable. I can’t seem to find solace and I’m not doing anything… literally nothing… a form of avoidance and numbing. There is a part of me that cannot believe that I am where I am and achieved what I have. There is another part of me that wants to keep moving forward but feel tethered by my own thoughts and beliefs that question what I am doing and builds feelings of shame and regret.

I don’t perceive myself to be a reader but the underpinning of the work I do is reading. Is that the imposter aspect that I am wrestling with? I know deep down inside that my life would have been different if I was a reader. I am envious of those who are readers and can read books with ease, fiction or non-fiction. Me? It’s work. I don’t know if it’s been from my upbringing but reading has always been challenging.

Writing was also a challenge to. I was scared to put my thoughts down “on paper.” I’m not the best had writer, but I am an awesome doodler and thinker. I have to remember that. It took time, practice, and courage to write and blog. I published a couple of papers but still, I’m not convinced. I’m not sure why and what I am trying to prove to myself (or to others). I write this blog post to overcome my self doubt.

As I begin to learn more about myself, I realize that the only person I’m trying to impress is me (and no one else). I need to embrace ME TIME and not feel guilty or that I owe that time to anyone but myself. It’s not selfish. It’s self honouring. For much of my life it felt like I was achieving things to impress others, to get ahead, or to be seen. The truth is, I lost myself in all of that and I am trying to find myself again.

Part of this pedagogical journey I’ve been on (since blogging in 2010) is that I have to address those aspects of myself that I was trying to hide. This mid-life unraveling is challenging me now to face my fears or live life pretending and suffer from shame. I can’t do the latter anymore. My body is telling me so. I look back and I have done this before. I alleviated some pain, but now I realize it should have been something else.

Regret. Sorrow. Pain. These are all teachers. This fear I have for reading is one I have to tackle. Not because my work relies on it, but because this is one learning that I have avoided since I was a child. I had always internalized and identified that I was not a good reader and believed I could get through school without reading. Well, you can’t… but I have always had worries and self consciousness on my ability to read.

I am naming my daemon. I’m done being scared of it and I need to develop this skill. I admire those who read avidly. I want to too, but would rather talk and discuss ideas than read about them. I know that reading will add to my knowledge base and help me to access ideas from others. What I am professing is not a weakness but a stretch. It is something that I am working on and to do so, I have to name what it is first.

What Makes Me Happy

Week 109 – April 15, 2022 – Posting Early (yay me)

I love this image. I’ve been running a series on Twitter with the hashtag #patiopic. The tweets are daily and it gives me a moment to stop and reflect. I also think it’s funny. This tweet series reminds me when I did a Dairy Queen stretch as I drove up from Vancouver to Prince George and documenting all of the $5 meal permutations that I created (and ate) during that road trip. I’ve got to do those things to entertain me, especially during the pandemic, hence this #pandemicreflection blog series.

I have no regrets starting this blog post series during the pandemic. It gave me something to look forward to and be intentional with my thinking and reflections. The blog also helped me to think things through in a meaningful way. There is something magical about the writing process that takes you places where you would not have considered if you left those thoughts ruminating in your mind. It also helped me with my writing and finding my voice to express myself in meaningful ways.

The pandemic is STILL happening as we approach the 6th wave and reduced COVID restrictions and protocols. I can see why we had to do that. Staying isolated in our homes, being policed at restaurants or outings, and living in constant fear was not sustainable. Mental health was strained and watching the news seemed UNREAL. COVID seems like it will be a forever thing and something we have to learn to live with. I was so happy to be with people in the last few weeks. It’s tough to go back.

I started writing this blog post last night. I stopped. My iPad / bluetooth contraption blitzed and the WordPress App closed suddenly. I took it as a sign. I was struggling with what to write in terms of clarity and direction. Today is a new day and I am having no problems. I love that. Listening to myself and honouring what I hear. This act of kindness and respect to self is so integral to my personal/professional learning. First, there is not distinction between professional and personal. It’s just me. Second, I am learning to embrace who I am as a person. Finally, life is good… so enjoy it.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts about looking at my preferences like leadership colours, MBTI, and Enneagram. It’s funny. I’ve test in certain ways and found it hard to believe that this is who I am. Call it denial… call it “I wished I was someone else.” I’ve been doing that my whole life… pretending… and not honouring who I am in fear that no one would like me or accept me for who I am. I was hiding. I think that the last few years has revealed that to me and challenged me to like and accept myself.

Surrendering comes to mind. I had to pull up the white flag and say… you’ve got me. I can’t do this to myself anymore. The self-betrayal and lack of self-trust was leading me down a path that was eroding my spirit and soul. I was losing myself. Today, I have never felt better. The more I read about MBTI and my type ESTJ as well as looking into Enneagram 8 (wing 7)… this is exactly who I am… so embrace it. I got to read further and appreciate that I like personal/professional growth, I like to take leadership roles, and I like systems and solve problems. These are all good things.

Last night I got my apartment all in order and tended to a few loose ends that I’ve been delaying for quite some time and it feels great. Don’t get me wrong… I still have a tonne to do like marking papers and writing papers, but reflecting on last night and all the times before that I’ve done this… the cleaning/organizing ritual foreshadows the big work to come. It’s like I’m getting ready for the big task to come. This is good. Taking the time to clean/organize also represents how I am feeling and I feel good.

Also with this personality typing (which my psychometric friend does not see value in and I can see why from that point of view) is that the darker side of my personality type are also a part of me and it’s good to be aware of it. I first learned about MBTI during my Master degree and learning that I was ESTJ then helped me to understand that I am not ever going to be like my colleague who was the emotive English teacher. It was not in me to do that as the high school math teacher. It does not make me less of a person or teacher. I needed that message then and I needed that message now.