My Last Post

Week 155 – March 4, 2023 – This is the End

Losing access to my website and with each update and now a change in apps… I am slowly but surely losing touch with my blog. I think who’s is this will be my last blog post on this WordPress site. It’s the end. No photo. Nothing profound except for goodbye. So much has happened over 155 weeks of the pandemic and beyond. This is not the end of blogging or reflection for me, but this is the end of my use of this platform. I cannot hold on anymore and it’s ok to let go. The hardest part about letting go is knowing when. There were clues. Many of them but I can’t do this adaption anymore. It’s time for a new platform. You can find me at https://hoyounghusband.opened.ca. I can’t even insert a link. It’s disabling. I tried but it’s time. I’m throwing in the towel. Overtime, this site will be digital debris. It’s been an online diary of my pedagogical journey and it continues. This chapter is coming to and end and I look forward to new beginnings. If you find me here at this site, you can find me elsewhere. It’s all good. Wishing you all the best. Onwards and upwards.

Persistence Pays Off

Week 154 – February 25, 2023 – You just never know

Once again, life lessons acquired from curling. I am so grateful for this game and the people who I play the game with. I’ve been so lucky and fortunate to have awesome teams to play with, here in Prince George, and other teams in past. I learn so much and human connection with my teammates as we play together is AWESOME. 🙂

I love our scoreboard. It describes my curling team so well. We are in the playoffs and this is the scoreboard of our first game. After league play, we placed 5th place out of 15 teams. I can’t believe that. I feel that we are just getting started this season. We have one bye in our league and we play on Fridays which means bonspiels too.

Anyway, this is our second year playing together and we are a random team. I call it serendipity. We just seem to gel. I play third. The skip and second are a couple. And, the lead is returning to the game after her husband passed away. We were all looking for a team and we became that team last year. It did not take long, but we have fun.

I think we placed third last year (I can’t remember), but the league was played different last year because we were still tapering from COVID-9 protocols, we had an A-event and B-event, and there were no bonspiels. This year, we played a round robin with all of the teams and now we are in the playoffs. After 2 ends, we’re down by 5.

You’d think we would give up. The skip and I missed our shots these two end, but as a team we just continued to play one shot at a time. Every time we start with the lead’s rocks it always felt like a restart. We took one point in the third end and stole one point four times. The game should have ended in the 7th but someone had to win.

We played the 8th end and during that end we were so happy to have tied the game. One shot at a time, we had the game set up with two of our rocks counting behind many guards. We were sitting very good with our last rock played (even though our skip hogged the rock, which was suppose to be a long guard). In the end, we stole 2.

Wow. We won the game. We stole 5 ends in a row. Unheard of and we did it. One shot at a time and the outcome worked in our favour. They were a super nice team to play with, but it was almost like we looked up and realized we won the game. I like this about our team. We never get too excited or too down on ourselves or the game.

We celebrated after the game with a round of drinks (even though our team hogged 4 rocks… aka. 4 rounds of drinks). We even had the chance to watch a bit of curling on TV. We just seem to have a hidden quality of just getting along and trying our best. In the end, persistence pays off. One rock at a time. For me, it’s one paper at a time.

I love this metaphor of our team, but also of life and work. None of us played a perfect game, but all of us were trying to do our best each shot. We encouraged each other throughout the game and we never get down on each other. I believe this to be true, if you had 4 incredible players who don’t get along, then that team will lose.

I also believe that when you are focused on the win, you will also lose. Mistakes will happen. Your job is to learn from them and do better next time. That’s all you have control of. Don’t dwell on the mistakes and don’t blame others. Own what you can control, find your people, and focus on one step at a time. In the end, you will win.

Getting It Together

Week 153 – February 18, 2023 – Blogging Getting Difficult

Oh my… PATIENCE seeps in to my psyche again. My access to my own blog is getting more limiting (maybe with every update). Nonetheless, here I am. One step at a time. I’m getting things done (even though I have a billion things to do). Today is “be a person day” and I met up with a grad student, went to the university (briefly), and washed my kid’s laundry (i.e., 4 loads). I got recycling done, I did a bit of food shopping, and I continue to play the food game (to maximize my food dollars).

If I take a step back, I am getting some writing done, I am getting some reading done, and I am becoming more open to the idea of changes in my life and my workload so that I can work towards a tenure track appointment. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in my 30’s as if I am starting all over again. In many ways, I am starting again but I do feel like I’m 30. Huh. Am I back to who I am before marriage? Is that weird? Anyway, that’s how I am feeling lately and I am loving every moment… the ups and downs.

Nothing worthwhile is not meant to be easy. I have no regrets. Everything I have experienced brought me to where I am today. I was not in the same place where I was when I was 30, but I feel like I have a new opportunity. Another lesson I am learning is, I can only control what I can control. I can control how I feel. I can control the decisions I make. I can also control who is in my life and who is not. I mentioned in my last blog post that I am committed to being folks who help me rise, vice versa.

Just yesterday, someone backed into my car when it was parked. My kid was driving it to and from work that night. I had no control over the incident, but I do have control on how I respond to the incident and next steps. I also go my feedback from my annual performance review. I’ve only read it once… quickly. And, I need to respond to it, but overall, it looks very positive and I’m learning that when I am focused on what I need to do (i.e., be selfish), people can see what you are doing.

It almost seems counterintuitive, much like education. Focus on the “goods internal” that is, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, and what motivates you deeply, then people will reward you with the “good external.” This philosophy written by Alasdair McIntyre I learned (and continue to learn) during my Master of Education program. Curling helped me to understand this concept and now I have returned to it with my work. I will continue to read and write about ideas that bring me joy.

Slowly but surely I’m getting it together. It feels good. TRUST is a big idea I need to embrace. I recite that word often in my head when I throw a rock during a game of curling (and I can only control how I throw the rock) and the outcome will be what it will be. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes there is a Plan B (or C or D). And, all of the time, there is something to learn. No judgement on the outcome. What matters is what I do next time with what I have learned with the goal of winning the game.

Again, the goal is not focusing on winning the game, but it’s more about paying attention to all of the little things like sitting in the hack, my slide out of the hack, or release the rock that matters. I am learning this with respect to my work (and hopefully soon with my life). Once again, I can sense-make with curling in mind. LOVE THAT. Curling has never failed me… LOL. Honestly, I’ve learned a lot from the sport regarding systems, leadership, and strategy. I am truly getting it together.

My Cup is Full

Week 152 – February 11, 2023 – What are you paying attention to?

In teacher education, we talk about “strength based learning” and understanding how focusing on what you are good at (and you students) can build a sense of self efficacy that helps with one to engage in acts of vulnerability and learning something new. Many of us foraged forward living life in a deficit model. I’m kind of done with that Thinking about what I can’t do or believing that I’m unable is 100% limiting.

January 2023, as many have mentioned in my last blog was challenging. I plumped much of my course hours teaching in January and I’ve set out some huge ambition for 2023. It’s a lot sometimes. Also, I received some unexpected news a few times last month and spent a couple of weeks grieving and pulling up my socks and restarting. Last week has been very clear for me that focusing on my strengths brings me joy.

I just have to be me. It’s been a lifelong lesson. Along with that lesson, an addendum, is to not worry about what other people think (or judge). The lesson is to TRUST. Here we go again. When I am focused in my joy and doing what I love to do (and for the right reasons) regardless of social norms, systemic barriers, or cultural expectations, I can be just who I am and feel good about it. And for those who can see it… gets it.

An amendment to my last week’s blog about listening to others… I will correct myself. I will listen to those who provide formative feedback that is intended to help me, life me, or guide me. When people have my best interests in mind and sincerely want to help, then I will listen. And this gift or way of being is reciprocated. Authenticity, honesty, and wholeheartedness are a part of this mix. And yes, it can get messy.

I’m embracing the messy and I’m also learning how to let go (and look forward). Just be me. The image above was an exemplar of my week… of being myself… having my voice… and being open to disagreement or opposing ideas. I’m open to feedback. I want to help others. Lift them. Challenge them. I am motivated to invite others to create change to help and lift others. I hope you can see the pattern I’m creating.

In Week 152 of my #pandemicreflections, I feel like I’m arriving. I feel grounded. I feel happy. I feel like I can be myself (with no shame, self-doubt, or regret). I am also grateful for all those who keep lifting me up and helping me on this pedagogical journey. I am thankful to students in my classes, graduates from the program, past students from my K-12 years, colleagues, friends, and family. There’s lots of love.

My cup is full. I was listening to a podcast this week and one of the guest speakers mentioned (or shall I say insisted) about what we pay attention to… what are we focused on. For years (or possibly decades) I was focused on what am I doing wrong, what if I am wrong, and what will people think. UGH. Seems like a people pleaser mindset. Now I’m focused on… what makes me happy and what brings me joy. 🙂

Becoming Resilient

Week 151 – February 3, 2023 – Cleaning the Fridge Game

Oh my… the photos are uploading and pages updating. Woohoo!!! Patience. The error messages incurred last week was due to “too many requests” and the best remedy was to wait. Ugh. As difficult as it was to wait and be patient, over time… it worked!!! A good lesson to learn. Sometimes stepping back and allowing time to do it’s work means that TRUSTING the system, the universe, or myself. All will work itself out.

Here I am. Blogging with no barriers. I was so close to just scrapping this portfolio and blog and leaving it as digital debris in cyberspace. As it turns out, I’m back!!! I’m not sad and now I know… don’t ask for too much at one time. The system just says NO and stops working. Admittedly, I was alarmed when trying to publish and wanting to update some of my webpages, but I just had to wait, stand back, and be calm. LOL.

Yes. The photo chosen for this blog post is two pieces of toast (i.e., the end pieces), the last bits of cucumber, and the last remains of sprouts in the plastic container. What you see is my Friday Brunch. It was pretty good. And, food is being consumed in my home without throwing it away or feeling like there’s nothing to eat and it sucks. I guess this is where the saying of “making lemonade out of lemons” now resonates.

January was brutal. After taking the time to REST during the winter week and going full blast to start the new year in my classes, I’m a bit spent. The workload lightens up and I am happy that it’s February. I’m even happy that it’s Friday. No meetings or classes today. I’m not sure how that happened (not knowing if I missed anything) but it feels good to have a good night’s sleep, homemade meals, and doing some work.

Hence the blog. I thought, why not? I am also learning how to build up a tough skin. I am reminded by Brené Brown and her saying of “strong back, soft front.” I love that imagery and I am trying. It’s not in my nature as an Enneagram 8 but I am aware of it’s benefits. I just needed to taper from my weeks before and a little bit this week too. I finished my PAR (professional activity report) and got some tough news. I’m ok.

What I am learning is, I can only be myself. That’s all I have. Who I show with other and how I am with others, I can only be me. In past, I used to put a lot of weight on what people thought of me (both in the good and the bad). Why? My value is not tied into what others think of me. What matters most is, what I think about myself. Can I live my actions, my thoughts, or my values? That’s what matters. I understand that.

Sometimes it’s so easy to get off balance. This week was one of those weeks. Nothing dramatic, but I found myself caught into those feelings of worrying about what other people think. First, I never want to hurt anyone. Second, I want to inspire others to create change. Finally, I want to feel good about the work that I do. This week I had a moment of vulnerability. It shook me, but I can’t control what others think or do.

Feeling rested has helped me to be ok with this week and be able to let it go. I learned a tonne from my PAR and I can see personal growth. I’m pleased with that and I can see my potential. That’s exciting. I can’t compare myself with others, but I can learn from them. Mentoring can be critical with next steps and I am willing to reach out. I am in a much better place and I can be patient of myself. I just need a little time.

Starting Again and Again

Week 150 – January 28, 2023 – WordPress is quirky

No photo this week. I don’t know why but know that I’ve tried. Truth… I’m glad that this blog post published but honestly it was more luck than any predictable outcome. Idk. I updated my phone and iPad. I’m limited to and dependent on my WordPress app. Let’s see how this lasts but Happy 150th week of the COVID-19 pandemic. The weekly #pandemicreflections persist. Lucky you!!! I feel like this will end soon, but it might be due the end of the pandemic or end of my functional use of WordPress. Time will tell. TBD.

Here’s another weird element of this blog post. I’m blogging on my phone. I could not afford to wait but maybe I should check to see if my Bluetooth keyboard works on my phone. Ok… thinking in real time. I’ll let you know. Give me a moment. ((A moment passes by…)) Voilà. Here we go. It works. Knowing that I am able to use this keyboard that I bought many years ago for my mini-iPad from a long time ago (that no longer works) continues to work with my current devices… and more. HUH. I’m impressed. Not knowing, but hey…. A worthwhile purchase. #brilliant

I will say, it is so much easier to blog using QWERTY versus with my thumb. I lose patience, really. I’m also impressed that this skill of typing has stayed with me since high school and that was a LONG TIME AGO. I’m so glad I am able to type (using letters only… because I dropped the course half-way through). Who knew? Not me. I guess this experience of blogging and my Bluetooth keyboard tells me, you don’t know what you don’t know. It was like talking to my friends about “setting goals.” Dang. After that conversation, I am convinced that setting goals is futile and impossible. That news kind of freaked me out. I see her point.

So, what’s the point of this blog post? I’m figuring that I should be writing very important or profound stuff if my access to WordPress will end (at some time… but not sure when) and this digital debris needs to be somewhat interesting or at least… not garbage or embarrassing. Meh. What I am learning is, I am always starting again… and again. Things end and transitions quickly to the new beginning… or in this case trying to edit and add to my WordPress site and failed many times today. In time, pages and posts updated (with exception to uploading a photo). That happened before but then I could, and now I can’t.

Maybe the big idea is to enjoy the moment. Find the joy in the little things. And, you can only control what you can control. Admittedly, I am happy right now. Content. It’s an unusual and blissful feeling. I also learned this week about letting go and speaking my truth. Another lesson is not being too attached to the outcome, but to do your best in the process. One things at a time and I have control over my happiness. I am super happy that I am able to blog tonight and truly hope that the blog post will update/upload. Either way, I am happy because I am me. I can be myself. I connect with the right people at the right time.

Starting again is not a bad thing. There’s no judgement or expectations. It’s just a thing. As much as I love comfort… I also love learning. It’s a balance between the two. Just like today… I love “being a person” day. I love Saturdays. I appreciate and enjoy this ME TIME. I deserve it. No guilt. Just happy. I watched a hockey game tonight. I was with friends on Friday and Saturday. I taught Monday to Thursday. My week is full. And, I live with my kid. Honestly, my life is full. I’m feeling very lucky.

A New Beginning

Week 149 – January 21, 2023 – Chinese New Year Eve

In the photo was a gift that was given to me from my family law lawyer after my divorce was final. You know, I could not even spell divorce correctly until it was actually true (aka., recently). Hmm… that always makes me wonder, but it’s true. I’m “officially” restarting life (again) or going back to who I really was and exploring that path of being true to who I am and trusting that each step I take is good for me.

What I am learning is, I cannot let this event or anything otherwise define me. I am the one that defines who I am. No one else. This lesson has been a tough one to learn. It’s taken me decades. I am starting to blog on another site as I explore a self-study using the Spirals of Inquiry and learn more about Human Development. It’s not to say that I believe that everything is academic, but a framework to help me understand.

I spent most of my life trying to please others or lead my life in a way that I thought was suppose to be led based on the expectations of others. What I am learning is, one’s best life is spent doing what’s best for self in the service of others. Although this can be quite nuanced, it’s a deep understanding that requires one to know self. I have finally given myself space and permission to do so and frankly, it’s bumpy. LOL.

My divorce was official as of January 16, 2023 and even though I’ve been living my life alone for the last few years, I spent that time to figure out who I really am and what’s important to me. The #pandemicreflections (notice: it’s Week 149) and being honest with myself of what’s possible has offered me a solace and peace that I have not had… ever!!! It feels good and I recognize that. It feels good to just be me. 🙂

In celebration of the 2023 Chinese New Year, I am returning back to my maiden name, (Alice) Christine Ho. Yes, my first name is in brackets. As a child, I never liked my name… overall… but I am returning back to who I am (and honouring who I am). My name is “Dr. Christine Ho, Ed.D.” I remember as a kid writing my name out with doctoral credentials, not really know the journey I would take to get here (so far).

I am going to figure out how to change my name back to who I am and discover what it really means to be “Christine Ho” and be proud of who I am. This blog entry may sound ridiculous to some, but this pedagogical journey has been a whirlwind to say the least. Some up moments, some down moments… but truth, they are all learning moments and my job was to notice, wonder, and learn from them. It’s been slow.

Here I am. It’s the “official” start to a new beginning and I am excited, nervous, and open to what’s to come. My first step was to commit to me and my family’s name. My second step is changing my social media (this website included). Next will be legal name, paperwork, and name changes with every… single… legal… document. I’m not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to everything else. I can do this.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR 2023. The Year of the Rabbit. #dimsum

Strong Start 2023

Week 148 – January 14, 2023 – It’s 3:30am and Can’t Sleep

It’s only 2-weeks into the new year and it’s been a whirlwind. There are no words to describe the unbalance I have been experiencing but I can only notice this now when I had the joy and privilege of “deliberate rest” over the winter break. It’s very clear to my that I am off-set from my natural homeostasis and the return to work and regular live has tampered with my restful equilibrium and the universe is challenging me.

I went to bed early last night. No curling. Had a Costco dinner with a friend. You’d think I would still be in bed, but I can hear my kid talk to her friends (who I suspect are online) with her full and boisterous voice. I can see now why she gets mad at me when I’m up late and she can’t sleep when I am. The tables have turned. I’m up. To try to go to bed, I watched a few videos of Tik Tok, but to no avail. Might as well blog.

So here I am, with a plate of pork dumplings, in the middle of the night blogging about Week 148 in my #pandemicreflections. It might as well be tomorrow, but I’m within my tiger time to write. The weird part is, I normally stay up to write during my tiger time (i.e., 1-4 am) in a half sleepy state NOT listening to my kid talk to her friends. And, normally the writing would be academic and I would by lying in bed.

I guess those are the details, but I do like writing in the middle of the night. Nothing is happening and my thoughts are very clear. This way of being is nowhere near what Ishi suggests (see image). I gave out Ishi postcards to the Teacher Candidates on Thursday before their first teaching experience learning “in situ” with K-7 students. It was a random selection and I said what they select is what was meant for them.

One of the three cards left over was this one… FIND BALANCE. Oh boy, do I see the irony. I’m nowhere near that when I’m blogging at 3:51 am because I can’t go back to sleep (and I’m dreaming about dim sum). It’s a tough go, but you know that life is good when this is my problem in life. 2023 started strong. Not only was I jumping into work life again, but I was presented with opportunities of standing up and letting go.

I missed a few meetings, I advocated for a student, and I advocated for myself. I asked for advice and invited tough conversations. I fell behind on a few things, stayed up late to meet deadlines, and with every moment attempted to speak my truth, remain authentic to me and others, and noticed when things were going well (or not). Finally, I learned this week that my divorce is in effect as of January 16, 2023. I’ll be single.

Hmm. This weekend will be my last couple of days of being married. As mentioned in my last blog, the entire process took 3.5 years and about $7500 in lawyer fees, and this was an amicable divorce. I cannot imagine what it would be like if people were fighting or not agreeing what was a fair settlement. Geez. And lots has happened in my life over the last few years that I am landing in a new place and I feel great.

I feel like the recent events and conversations over the last two weeks were mini-tests or “formative assessments” to see if I am ready to be on my own. I think I passed. I stayed true to myself and others. I was vulnerable to ask for help. I got help and truly grateful. I remained authentic to my students, colleagues, and practice. And, I know what I want for me and next steps to get there. I’ve been taking care of myself.

Ok. So there are dips and turns on this pedagogical journey… always. And I perceive that the last 2-weeks may have been challenging, or at least, not a smooth or easy start. But what I will say is, I am standing strong. I feel good about who I am. I have clarity with my intentions, goals, and next steps. And, I’m kinder, gentler, and more compassionate with myself and in return with others. I respect and love who I am.

In a way, I can say that I am balancing. Balance is not static. It is in constant motion. The goal is to remain centred and happy. I was just talking to my friend tonight (i.e., last night… lol) and thought, it’s not about looking over there where the grass is green and thinking that life would be better over there. It’s more about looking at where you are and doing what it takes to make the grass green. There is not perfect.

I am feeling balanced and I am able to recognize when I am off balance, but I know who to respect and love myself to get back on balance. For this, I am happy. I am going to enjoy every moment and not resist change or control what is. TRUST. That resonated with me last week and I made 2 perfect curling shots. Immediate feedback. I am thinking about how to celebrate January 16th. A new day, a new chapter.

A Full Moon Week

Week 147 – January 7, 2023 – The Ups and Downs

You can’t write this stuff… meaning… I could not anticipate what the new year would bring. So much has happened within one week that I’m not surprised that the week ended on Friday, January 6, 2023 with a full moon. Whew. I need a moment to unpack some of the ups and downs of the week. And yes, it’s still a #pandemicreflection.

Hello… it’s 2 days later and I have returned to my blog. Woohoo. And, guess what? I am ok with that. I can only do one thing at a time and I am not less of a person. I am still worthy. What a strange thing to say, but that pretty much summarizes my 2022 journey. I learned that I am worthy and I have something of value to contribute.

Admittedly, my first week back to work has been filled with ups and downs. I took the winter break to rest and rejuvenate. I could finally be at a place where I took the time to take care of myself. I was eating better and I started walking again. Now that I’m back at work, my stress is up, I’m not sleeping, and my eating habits have eroded.

I had to catch myself. Thank god I noticed. I was triggered this week and my values were provoked and tampered with. What hill was I going to die on? How vulnerable can I be? I was also vulnerable with my grad class, then super tired for my undergrad classes. My performance and responsiveness were inevitably MEH. Didn’t feel good.

Friday, January 6, 2023, the day of the full moon… the dust started to settle again. Oh my… the virtues of patience, trust, and compassion. They were in full force that day. I slept well. I had a good class. I had an excellent meeting. And, I got news that day that declares the end of one chapter of my life, thus the beginning of another chapter.

We did lose our curling game 1-10 in 6-ends, but it felt good to get back out on the ice, to play with my team, and to connect with others after the game. It was a good day to end my Friday. I was alert enough to stay up to pick up my kid from work at 11pm, and I took advantage of “Sleeping In on Saturdays.” That will be a thing, for sure.

My eating is back on track. I went out for a walk on Saturday. And, I went out for dinner with a friend. I have mastered what it means to rest on Saturdays then I try to transition back to work on Sunday. Working on Sundays is something I’m learning how to do better, but I do need to spend some time on Sunday to plan the week.

Whew. I did not expect to be delving into my week that I did. I have things to notice. My #OneWord2023 is READ. I am reading the situation and taking what I see, feel, and experience at face value. It’s actually happening and I am the only one who can take control of me. Part of that is also reading papers, proposals, and textbooks.

I can see how this year is beginning and how I am reacting. A beautiful friend said to me today is that I can only do the best that I can do. I cannot control the outcome. I can only control what I can do and know that, then move on. That brings me solace. Keep trying my best and that’s all that I can give and do, and be satisfied with that.