Sense Making and Understanding

July 27, 2024 – The Law of Attraction

What a strange week. For most of the week, I’ve been in a cognitive paralysis. I started the week with a monthly session and ended the session with many aha’s. Ever since, I’ve been stalled with “the death scroll” or free video games on my phone. You could call this avoidance or numbing tactics. Either way, I was deeply committed in doing so. It’s even been a struggle starting this blog post. I think I’ve started this blog post almost a dozen times over the last few days. I feel compelled to write about my reflections this week, but really, I think I’ve been resting with what I’ve learned earlier this week. In essence, it’s the LAW OF ATTRACTION. I’ve watched this movie many times a decade ago, but I never understood it until now. My mind is blown.

The Secret. I won’t got into the details as to how or why I know, but THE SECRET makes sense to me now. For more than a decade, my life was in crisis and I led my life in survival mode. My life was out of control and I was so separate from who I am. On my healing journey, I have been slowing life down such that I have chosen COMFORT over COURAGE in many situations. Feeling safe was a primary need. I needed to slow down to reconnect with myself… to feel grounded. In doing so, I have never felt more happier. I have so much gratitude for the little things and I am more focused on myself and how I feel. As mentioned in my last blog post, I need to create a vision. In fact, my vision has not changed. On the one hand, I thought my dream was not possible and on the other hand, I thought I had achieved it. Truth, neither were true.

So, I’ve been scrolling through my photos and thinking of the times I went to Honolulu. I went the Hawaii International Conference on Education (HICE) two times, so far. I went by myself with my colleagues in 2013 and again in 2018 with my family. The first time, I had no idea what I was doing and too scared to do anything. The second time I went, I was more focused on tending to my family’s needs that presenting my doctoral work was in the shadows of everything else. I applied to go last year. The conference was held on the Big Island. I really wanted to go, but I got spooked and hesitated. In the end, I could not afford to go. Maybe in hindsight, I was not suppose to go last year. I revised last year’s proposals and I submitted them for review for this year’s conference back in Honolulu. Now, I am clear and grounded.

I hope to go to HICE in 2025. You can see the timing of things. It would have been “timely” to have gone last year so that there would be a 5-6 year gap between conferences. Looking back, I was not ready. I need this time to rest, restore, and return to who I am. Below, I posted a few photos from each conference. I’m showing you the “good ones”… LOL. Looking back, I don’t even recognize myself. My level of insecurity and uncertainty was high. This commentary is not to say that I did not have a good time. There were definitely memorable moments. But now, I am curious what it would be like to go back to Honolulu, to share my current work at this conference, and explore the island in a way that is aligned and authentic to me and my interests. I’m excited. I still have to wait to hear back from the conference to see if I was accepted to not to present. I feel confident, but if it’s not this conference, I’ll be back. These images are part of the vision and I am super stoked for this next chapter.

Photos from January 2013: 

Photos from January 2018: 

Stepping Into Work

April 21, 2024 – Reorganizing and Renavigating

Grades are submitted. My marking is done. The term has ended. I can breathe… for a moment. I do have a portfolios to review and a project to complete, but I’ll start that next week. It’s nice to take a moment to pause before I jump into the next term. I can see the workload mounting, much of it self-induced, but I’m not complaining. It’s my non-teaching term; my first one (for the most part) after 5-years at the university. As grateful as I am for this time, having 4 courses to teach in both the fall and winter terms was challenging too. Nonetheless, I can’t wait to shift geers and “work.” It’s my time to be intentional with my writing, research agenda, and academic conferences.

The other day, I had a conversation with a colleague. It was good to reconnect and catch up. In that conversation, I mentioned my current work situation and my friend asked me if I was ok it. This was a good question. Honestly, I am ok with it. It took me 5-years to figure out how the system worked, how I was positioned and perceived in my department, and what I need to do to succeed in higher education. If anything, the workplace was a culture shift along with moving to a new city and experiencing many life changes over the last 5-years. There was little empathy for what was happening behind the scenes. For many years, I felt unsettled, unclear, and uncertain. I had to shift my mindset and figure out who I am and what’s important to me.

It took some time and the dust has settled. Major life events have come and gone. I am happy. I understand my research agenda and I am very excited to embark on that path of learning. I love teaching and I am so grateful to continue to teach in addition to learn from the students and practice. I am much kinder and compassionate to myself. And, I know my value. Knowing all of this, I am able to create boundaries, know what to say and when, and connect with folks who are in my wheelhouse. I have no one to impress. I suppose that this is one of the reasons why I sought programs like graduate studies to enrol in. I was never satisfied. I wrote about taking more coursework in my last blog post. This week, I am having second thoughts.

To be honest, there will be a day I might consider enrolling in the graduate certificate program for ethnomathematics at the University of Hawaii for the purpose of pure JOY and happiness. The place and program are so aligned to who I am and what I would love to study. Other than this program, I don’t need a second masters or doctorate degree. Just the other day, I was doing some math with respect to my age and I want to spend my time in ways that bring my joy. That’s it. I’m not disputing whether there are going to be up or down days. That’s a given. What I am saying is, how do I want to spend the last 10-years (or so) of my career? This thought-provoking question was also posed to me by another colleague. It’s something to consider.

After 5-years, I am finally ready to work. Yes, I have always been working, but I always had “schooling” looming in the back of my mind. I often wonder about medical doctors or dentists who took many years of schooling to understand their craft, now are just working. Like teachers and academics, I’d expect them to engage in professional development, but in terms of schooling, most are done. They are working and getting better at their craft from their work. In fact, most people do that… I mean, work. Seems reasonable. I just could never comprehend the transition from formal education to just work (even though I’ve been doing it for many years). It’s a commitment to make that transition. I think I’m finally there. I am READY.

Admittedly, this is a new feeling for me. I feel liberated, empowered, and yes… joyful.

Six Years

This anniversary is not one that I wish to celebrate, but February 27th is a day that I want to notice, remember, and savour as much as I can. Six years ago, my mom passed away. It was a choice that she made. She died of MAID (medical assistance in dying). I did not realize at the time but my mom was a MAVERICK or TRAIL BLAZER. The nurse said that about her before the “ritual” of dying was about to occur. The nurses were prepping her for her moment. We we waiting in “her room.” It was the same room that she was admitted to after we went to the emergency room on Friday, February 9th. I was there and that day was one of my biggest regrets. I wished I had stayed overnight with her at the emergency room. Everyone in my family wanted to leave and she insisted. After that day, I never wanted to do that again. Sadly, I did (sort of). The next day, I went to a conference/workshop at SFU downtown. I remember sitting in the auditorium listening to the speaker, then networking with folks from BC Education. My family insisted (again) that I should just go on with my day and that they would see mom at the hospital. On February 10th, my mom was admitted to the hospital and stayed on the 3rd floor at Burnaby General. I remember what the emergency doctor said, the paramedics said, and my mom next door neighbour said to me on February 9th… she has cancer of the liver. No one wants to hear this or even think about this over Family Day weekend, but my mom was admitted. I think she was resisting this very moment for years. OMG… my mom was sick for a very long time.

I remember the day that she died as if it happened just hours ago. I was so committed to write about my mom and the 20-days she spent in the hospital. A wonderful way to be inspired to honour my mom, but each time I took the pen to paper, I cried. I could not help myself and I tried for a few years. Each time, tears would dribble down my face. I could not do it. Since her passing, I’ve endured many changes and still try to learn the lessons she was trying to teach me during her last 20-days on earth. Now that I am writing this blog post in memory of her, I am realizing that I am ready to write about her. It’s almost perfect timing, much like my mom’s decision to die. During family weekend, she was not going to be seen by the doctor because it was the long weekend. She was just at the hospital to be taken care of and to manage her pain. She was anxious to leave. We tried to take care of her. I insisted staying overnight with her. Someone had to be with her. My family took shifts that weekend. During the week, my brother and sister had to work. My dad focused on strata council work??? Everything seemed off. If anything, I would be my mom’s advocate at the hospital (and I loved warming up my hands under her back).

Damn, I miss with woman. She was so strong. Monday, February 12th was family day. We made it through the weekend and my mom was not so restless. On Wednesday, February 14th (i.e., Valentine’s Day), my mom decided not to have any more needles. She had invisible veins (like I do) and she wanted the needles to stop. They always took a few tries and she just a hated it. With this decision, she was basically telling the hospital and oncologist that she did not care to find out where the cancer had started from, thus cancer of the liver versus liver cancer. Then on Friday, February 16th (Lunar New Year), our family met with the oncologist to learn about next steps. My mom had a choice between palliative care or MAID. My mom had “Stage 5” cancer. Is that possible? My family started to make plans about palliative care, but my mom was pretty certain what she wanted to do. She wanted to do MAID and she was researching this possibility for more than a year. She knew what she wanted and where she wanted to do it. At the time, the hospital would not perform MAID and she had to pass the cognitive test. She said, “fine,” send me home, but I’m not going to die in my home. We planned another location. It was a care facility just down the road.

For 10-days, my mom lived in her dining room on a special bed, and she clearly passed the MAID test. Ironically, during her time at home, something changed and the hospital said that they would perform MAID. I could not believe it. My mom asked me to go with her in the ambulance back to the hospital (another story to tell, re: number one). I remember driving with her. Talking with her. Taking care of her. I am flooded by lots of memories as I am writing this and believe that this is the beginning of the book. I also talked with a colleague the other day talking about my conversation with my aunty on my dad’s side of the family and she suggested that I should consider doing an autoethnography. YES. I Googled that methodology and it’s perfect. I can capture some of the memories I have of my mom, how that impacted my identity, and to learn more about my family and ethnic identity. I remember being in that room that I started this blog post with. My mom is a MAVERICK. She just new that the catheter was out of place (another story, re: JoLo). She asked me to ask the nurse to fix it. My mom just wanted things to be “right.” I did not appreciate her discretion, high expectations, and attention to detail. She died on the third floor of Burnaby General with grace, agency, and dignity. For that, I am so proud of my mom for her strength, clarity, and willpower. She paved a path for others to follow.

I love you, mom.

Renewing this Website

Saturday, December 9, 2023 – A Moment of Self-Doubt

I have to admit, when I got the notification via email to let me know that I agreed to a auto-renewal for this website for 3-years my heart sank a little. By the time I got to my apartment and talked myself through the situation (briefly), I felt ok. I remember how this website started and where I had come from over the last 13-years and it has been a journey to say the least. I would not take the midlife unravelling too lightly and I found myself today in a deep reflection about life and where I wanted to be. Not the best timing when I have a pile of marking to do, yet the best timing because I need to feel good about what I am doing and why. And yes, I’m blogging too.

I found myself today downloading Brené Brown’s audiobook, Braving the Wilderness, a book I’ve read a few years ago with hopes of feeling some solace or validation. Already from Chapter 1, I feel aligned to hear words. I was also listening to the audiobook with hopes of getting inspired to return back to my marking. So far, I’ve worked on the feedback from my research team and revised our webpage accordingly. I wrote some notes/minutes from a meeting relating to this research project, and I have responded to a few emails. I’m warming up to the quietness of assessment and evaluation. I enjoyed reading the first batch of work and now I am mustering up the will to commit to my feedback and final grades. This decision-making is not earth shattering, but it means a lot to me and needs to feel aligned.

Where I am today is not where I thought I would be 13-years ago, but I have never felt more like myself. As Brené would say, I belong to myself. This feeling is incredible. I am learning to accept and value myself of which I did not do very well (or if at all) in previous decades. It seems fitting to embark on this journey in my last chapter of my life. I still live with my kid, whom I love to bits. But I am also finding that I am learning how to keep my boundaries and remain true to myself. I’m still working on how that manifests, but I am more aware. Earlier today, I was talking to a friend of mine. I love that we can take a moment for critical reflection. I can’t do that with many people so I feel grateful that I can do that with her. In that conversation, I learned about how one incident that impacted negatively still lives in the heart of minds of others, but not in a good way. My heart sank, thinking that this person did not seek forgiveness, but more interested in seeking revenge or shame-inducing acts (to put me in my place).

I wonder about leadership and the role of power and one’s positionality. Sometimes I feel that I am beginning to understand that power is not something that I desire or want. At first, I believed that power was a part of leadership and it might be for some. For me, I am leaning towards compassion, understanding, and listening as attributes or competencies I would like to possess as a leader. I would follow up with a set of virtues like patience, humility, and wholeheartedness as part of my leadership style. Humanity, human connection, and community are important to me as well as Kirkness & Barnhardt’s (2001) Four R’s of respect, relevance, responsibility, and reciprocity. I’ve been using the concept of reciprocity as a litmus or gauge recently to help me decide what is worthwhile or not. Meaning, as much as I give to something, it gives the same amount back to me, and vice versa. I am learning when something is taking away from me (to become less than), is something that needs addressing or removing. I’ve been there before, hence power in leadership has no place for me.

As I take a deep-breath and have a moment of gratitude, I am so appreciative of renewing this website and gaining a renewed access to this blog. I spent many hours (for entertainment purposes during the pandemic) with a weekly blog post that eventually (or attempted) to explore what was important to me. You have no idea the flood of good feelings and happiness I had accessing my website again. This is a place of solace and I am very excited to take some time during the winter break to update it and refine it as a place for me to reflect and wonder about teaching, learning, and leading in education and in life. I am always humbled in the direction of which writing and blogging takes me. It’s always unexpected and that’s the joy of this writing and reflection. It’s something that I try to bring to my classes that teach portfolio in graduate and undergraduate courses at the university. I feel pumped and recharged to get to my work now and do what brings me joy and happiness. I belong to me.