January 10, 2025 – What do I really want to accomplish?
Does this sound like a “new year’s resolution” blog post? It has that potential of being one. I have just finished my first week of teaching for the Winter 2025 term and making a conscious effort to get back to familiar routines like writing a weekly reflection in my blog. I just realized from an an email received earlier this week that folks may use this WordPress site to introduce me to others. Of course, I should know that and possibly expect that. But over time, this website has seen some ebbs and tides over time since it’s original conception over 10-years ago when I was using it as a vehicle to promote my edu-consulting business. I have since stepped away from self-employment and have slowly but surely stepped back into teaching and learning more about academia. This website has also followed me into the pandemic and through many life changes that I needed some platform to help me to sense-make though the challenging times, but also the joyful ones. This blog has served me well.
For those who may follow me on Twitter/X, Facebook, or Instagram, I am a bit of a foodie and food-pic fanatic. A part of that LOVE is the joy I seek from a hotel-breakfast, or breakfast in general. Look at it’s simplicity and deliciousness to start off the day. There is nothing I like more than eggs and toast (see image above) complemented with a hot cup of coffee, a glass of water, and a piece of fruit. This image is taken from my new home on my new “fancy” table (it was a splurge). I just love how simple this meal can be and yet it accomplishes everything I want it to achieve. Even the image itself makes me happy. This image serves as a metaphor for 2025. I can see on my landing page for this website that I did not publish anything in 2024, yet I had so many things on the go that had the potential for writing, I was in the middle of writing, or I finished writing and it will not get published until 2025. Guess what? That’s OK, because that’s how 2024 unfolded for me. In 2024, I went to many conferences to present, which brought me a lot of joy, fun, and happiness.
So, what will 2025 bring?
I want to focus on the plate of food. There’s not too much on the plate, but enough on the plate to walk away from the meal feeling satisfied. I know that I will start the year with a publication, a chapter in a book on teacher leadership. This prospect is very exciting and that was a challenge I took on in the fall of 2023, almost burned out in January 2024, but saw through the task by the end of 2024. I learned a tonne from the experience, intended and not intended. I have a book review to complete, a manuscript to revise, two other manuscripts to find a journal to review them, another manuscript to finish writing, two conference proceedings, and a chapter proposal on the horizon. Even describing what I have just listed, it might be 3 different meals (i.e., winter, summer, and fall terms). Nonetheless, there is plenty to do in addition to several research teams I am a part of. There are other publications we are completing and again, many more on the horizon. I feel good about where I am. More is to come.
Avoiding the worm hole means… don’t get caught into things that take you away from this meal. Stay focused. Be content. Do what you love. One thing I do want to do is to pursue the “20 days” research project that is an auto-ethnography on my ethnic identity and how I perceive the world through the lens of being “child number three.” Part of this study is about learning more about my ethnic heritage as a Chinese-Canadian, the role of policy that impacted how I was raised and educated, and how I navigated through my personal and professional life. This study was inspired by my mom. She passed away in 2017 and I spent her last 20-days taking care of her along with other family members. I wanted to write this when she had first passed away, but I was not ready. I had to do so much work on myself such that I needed to see things the way they are before I could even make a commentary of what is (or was). Even when I write this final paragraph, I am self-assessing how I feel, and I feel READY.
Let’s do this!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 10th, 2025 | No Comments »
August 18, 2017 – A photo taken the day after my doctoral oral defence of me, my mom, and my dad.
December 31, 2024 – Climate Change Education – BLOG 1
I went into the photo archives and pulled out this image of me, my mom, and my dad. This photo was taken the day after I successfully defended my dissertation. My mom could not attend my defence. She was not feeling well, but she was always routing for me. In fact, I think she waited for me. She passed away 6-months later. Writing about my mom was not the intention of the blog post, although, I will be writing about my mom soon. I wanted to write about her ever since she had passed away, but I was not ready. I’ve done a lot of work to get to a place of readiness and 2025 is the the year.
My intention in writing this blog post, and there will be many more for 2025, was to write about my thoughts and reflections as a research team member of the Climate Education in Teacher Education (CETE) research project. We have been working on this project for more than 2-years and a few months into our third year. The project started with a focus on Climate Change Education (CCE) with teacher candidates in the first year as one response to the Association for Canadian Deans in Education (ACDE) Accord on Education for a Sustainable Future (2022). Five of us got together.
The initiative started with one person on our term who has an expertise in climate change education and I helped out to share the ask with colleagues within the School of Education to see who was interested. Our research team of 5 formed and amongst the 5 of us, only one of us was a tenure-track member. The rest of us were either term, lecturer, or adjunct. We did not have the agency, ability, or motivation to get the research project off the ground, so this faculty member became the Principal Investigator. The initial goal was to investigate CCE use with Teacher Candidates.
The methodology chosen for this project is Educational Design-Based Research (EDBR) using Sandoval’s Conjecture Mapping. EDBR uses multiple strategies to unpack a complex problem in practical and doable ways. Conjecture mapping tracks our intentions and changes over time. The method, if anything, is experiential with many opportunities to pivot, when needed. We have pivoted many times, and that’s ok. We also work with a Design Team which is comprised of folks who are experts in the field, locally and nationally, and their role is to help guide our work/project.
Our main intervention of the CETE project is CCE workshops for practicing teachers and teacher candidates with a focus on northern BC. We offer/ed 4-workshops per year and in planning these workshops, we tried to anticipate the needs of the field but also listen to the feedback after each workshop. The preparation and development of these workshops are time intensive and much effort is given by research team members, design team members, and research assistant(s). We have offered and facilitated these workshops online and a few of them in person.
The attendance to these workshops have increased over time and so has the research project. As our dreams and aspirations grew, the research project expanded to 4 REB’s… the first is with Teacher Candidates, the second with practicing teachers from 2 school districts, the third is a self-study involving the research team, and the fourth one is the most recent that is focused on Indigenous knowledge holders and elders. This blog post series will focus on REB3, the Self-Study. We are asked as research team members to reflect on our experience and growth within the project.
Finally, I am back to writing about the picture above from my doctoral oral defence. Why does this image matter? My dissertation was about “out-of-field teachers” teaching secondary mathematics. I have an interest in out-of-field teaching, professional learning, and educational leadership. Lots of what I am interested in is MAKING A CHANGE… in one’s practice, in school/class culture, and in educational policy. I love the idea of agency, influence, and engaging learners to “be the change.” We are learners too. Anyway, this is my interest and motivation for the CETE project.
Moreover, I’m blogging about it as a means to reflect on my role on the research team and how this project is impacting me, as a learner, educator, researcher, and educational leader. We have a framework on MS Teams to record our reflections, however, my brain does not work in that way. I found the template to be a barrier to my reflections, so I have decided to blog about my thoughts in my reflective practice and then unpack my reflection within the framework as part of the analysis. Anyway, I am an “out-of-field” researcher on this project and learning lots on CCE and research.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 31st, 2024 | No Comments »
Oh boy… I do really try to contribute to my blog (on both WordPress sites) on a weekly basis. There are only a few times where I have not been able to in the last few months, but there are just some times when I am just not able to. I started this blog post last week and I was unable to get to it (amongst many other “things to do”) over the last week. And here we are again at the end of another weekend. I could have compelled myself to write two blog posts to make up the one I just missed, but I’m not going to. I’m just going to let it go and move forward. Last week, I could not make up the time and catch up… and that’s ok. I can only do what I can do… and that’s it.
Although this blog post might be extraordinarily short, I am grateful to take a moment to return to my reflections and the idea of the “imperfect leader.” My EDUC 606 class is reading Andy Hargreaves “Leading from the Middle” and in Chapter 2, he describes the IMPERFECT LEADER. Lots of what he had written resonates with me and knowing that aiming for perfection is unreasonable and unrealistic. Imperfect leaders learn from their mistakes and rely on community to lead (or co-lead). Moreover, to be an imperfect leader, you have be know thy self. Self-knowledge resonates with me deeply, in particular with Parker Palmer’s work in “The Courage to Teach.”
Teachers are leaders. Self-acceptance and knowing your strengths and stretches are key attributes to leadership. I can see how this could test one’s sense of self-efficacy and self-confidence to lead, but humility and vulnerability are also key attributes as well. LEARNING is central to “good” leadership. Learning is not perfect. In fact, learning happens when it’s messy, confusing, and mistake-oriented. You just have be be willing to make those mistakes and learn from them. That’s what matters, but also appreciating the mistake. What a gift!! Admittedly, I may not have thought that way in past, but as I am learning and understanding myself makes me a “good” leader.
Take a look at this image. What a beautiful metaphor. You have a vision. You execute. You do you best, but… it’s not perfect. I love sunny-side up eggs and buttered toast. As you may notice, when transferring the eggs from the pan to plate, it resulted in one of the eggs to flip upside down. Broken. I took a few attempts trying to flip it back up, but opted to just leave it alone. It’s fine the way it is. The breakfast was still delicious. Not perfect, but really, it was perfect. I have been vibing on this breakfast for the last week or two. It tasted just as I had hoped and nothing beat dipping the sour dough toast into the egg yolk. If anything, no added stress and pure satisfaction.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, October 27th, 2024 | Comments Off on Imperfect is PERFECT
What a wonderful day. It was a very hectic week. As much as I love having my weekends, the natural consequence is having a very fulsome work week. The week started with attempting to complete three conference proposals to Congress 2025. Initially, I had no intention of going to Congress next year mainly because I am trying to catch up on my expenditures of travel for work. A long story short, I chose to go to conferences to present my work when the travel costs exceed my annual allotment of professional development funds. This pro-d behaviour is not new. I went to a lot professional development events when I used to teach in K-12 schools. What I have learned in the last year or two is, I love going to conferences. I love connecting and re-connecting with people, I love learning new ideas, and I love to present and travel.
If anything, I underestimated the time it would take to complete these proposals. In all three proposals, I took the lead in writing them. I guess that could be my first problem. The first proposal I completed was with and for a TRIAD of teacher candidates who have been engaged in a program-long inquiry about land-based pedagogies and student wellness. We are presenting in Kelowna in a couple of weeks and we have presented in Calgary and Prince George. They have been honing their presentation and now I have joined the team. We are planning to write about their LESSON STUDY with hopes of publishing it. The second conference proposal was with my colleague and friend about un-colonizing assessment. We’ve been presenting about it a several times as teacher professional development. We are planning to implement some of our ideas during my assessment course next term. It will be PROGRAM EVALUATION. Finally, the third conference proposal was about my work with IN-SITU learning and my assessment course. This paper is single authored.
The due date for these proposals was October 9, 2024. I finished all three proposals by October 8, 2024 and submitted them in on October 9, 2024. Yay. That took many long days to get those proposals completed and folks had to engage in its completion as well. I was so happy to get them done and submitted, and I’m grateful that I was able to meet the goal of getting all three complete and submitted. Each paper went to different associations (i.e., CASIE, CAARE, and CATE). I hope it goes well, but only time will tell. They are now under peer-review. That evening, on October 9, 2024, I had my night class online with graduate students then curriculum class with teacher candidates the next morning. Switching gears from writing and research to teaching (and vice versa) can be tricky and time consuming. I am so grateful for my night class and the work we are accomplishing. We just finished reading and discussing about PEDAGOGY OF THE OPPRESSED. That is eye-opening and powerful work written by Paulo Freire. Then, after being on line for 3-hours, I had to prep for my Thursday morning class. I had to update my syllabus and make copies the next morning.
In the end, the hard work is rewarded with learning outside. We went to Cottonwood Island Park. The fall weather as cool and sunny. We spent the morning lesson planning and learning how to navigate BC’s Curriculum. Although it may have been a bit cold, there is something to be said about learning on the land. Unfortunately, I did remove one more outdoor learning experience from the course syllabus as well as a final assignment (that was adapted into something else). The more I am learning about this group and what I want to achieve, sometimes it’s ok to say goodbye to a couple of things so that we can slow down and appreciate what we are learning about. There is so much to learn in teacher education and my one course is only one of many they take during their 16-months within the program. It’s ok to let go and take the learning in stride. There is no question that I was very grateful to head into a long weekend. Although I missed the northern lights on Thursday night due to cloudy weather, I had a fruitful Friday with several online meetings and then LOTS OF SLEEP.
If anything, I am very grateful for the work I get to do. I love the learning and the students. I could not ask for more from this job. I look forward to what’s next.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, October 13th, 2024 | Comments Off on Being My Authentic Self
I’m not really sure what I mean by this. There is no question that I am passionate about coffee and Costco soup dumplings. I would call this image “the breakfast for champions.” I would often eat this meal for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. If I don’t have a lot of time in the morning to make breakfast… soup dumplings. If I’m feeling down and sad… soup dumplings. If I’m feeling happy and excited… soup dumplings. I hope you can see a clear pattern here. I just love this quick and easy meal. It’s comforting, consistent, and delicious. That’s all I can say about it. It’s my go-to meal. I just love it.
What else do I love?
I love to teach. I may not be an award winning educator or chosen to be a guest speaker for graduation, I love what I do. I was so happy when I returned back to teaching at the university after leaving K-12 education. Although I spent some time professional development workshops and public speaking as a school trustee, nothing beats teaching students. I love the relationships, the reciprocity, and the joy that comes from teaching and learning. It’s hard to describe, but I love the creative process of planning, prepping, and assessment. Trying new things and making things better with each iteration motivate me. I love the learning that comes with teaching.
But I caught myself this week and noticed what “stokes my fire.” I love assessment. That might be somewhat of an understatement. I’m not an assessment researcher, nor am I one to claim numeric precision or accuracy with my assessment practices. What I will say is, assessment frames, drives, and reflects my pedagogy and values. If I could, I am an advocate for and fan of the single point rubric. I love the idea of having a clear learning target, explicit success criteria, and different ways for students to demonstrate their learning. I found myself just capitalizing a Zoom conversation about assessment in an upcoming keynote my friend/colleague and I are preparing for, and everything that I was teaching during one of my classes was framed around my assessment practice and intentions. I just love it. Assessment is important to me.
When I think about my research program, I am drawn to out-of-field teaching, professional learning, and one’s sense of self-efficacy in the context of teacher education, mathematics education, and climate change education. Where does assessment fit into all of this? Self-assessment and formative assessment are critical within these topics as well as identity, agency, and vulnerability. I suppose that I cannot oversimplify my interest in these areas even though I’m encouraged to articulate this agenda in a sentence or two. Indigenous worldviews and knowledge in addition to culture and my ethnic identity are entangled in my research interest along with leadership, power, and policy. The human experience is a complex one. I am creating my own path. If anything, I am reminded of a conversation I had with a colleague recently… do what makes me happy. It takes courage, patience, and trust.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 14th, 2024 | Comments Off on Looking at Myself
Photo from the UNBC School of Education Facebook Page. EDUC 405 – Reflective Practice through Inquiry and Portfolio – Last Class – Course Instructor: Christine Ho Younghusband – September 6, 2024
September 8, 2024 – The end of an era
Welcome back to school. This is my 6th year at the university and each year has been different, exciting, and new. The experience has been a moment for learning and transformation. As I approach the end of another school year, this will be the first time I will not be supervising the 10-week practicum and I did not supervise the 4-week practicum as well during my non-teaching term. Last term was my first non-teaching term with exception to EDUC 405 (Reflective Practice Through Inquiry and Portfolio) asynchronously. What I had opted to do last term for EDUC 405 was to offer office hours, provide feedback on Block 2 (aka., the winter term) blogs and posts, and prepare this crew for Block 5 (aka., the fall term, the final term for this professional teacher education program). I wanted to make the conclusion of EDUC 405, held at the beginning of Block 5, to be instructive, experiential, and purposeful.
Admittedly, the design and implementation of this course was challenging, or shall I say “pivoting,” to be responsive to the needs, feedback, and feelings of those in the program. In Block 2, I opted to redesign the course to conclude the portfolio course on Friday, September 6, 2024 even though I intended the course of reflective practice and inquiry would benefit from the practicum experience that is iterative and scaffolded throughout the entire program. Teacher candidates transform into colleagues during the 10-week practicum and it would have been amazing to include that voice into the portfolio as evidence of change over time. However, the perceived workload, lack of intrinsic value, and misunderstanding of the course intentions inhibited the success of a fulsome portfolio. In the end, I step back and allow. This group will be the last cohorts to use portfolio to document reflections and inquiry within the teacher education program. This day was more about saying goodbye.
My intention… to engage in a fulsome final class together. The class started with a Land Acknowledgement and the lessons I learned from making the drum. I also wanted to make a correlation with my experience with the drum and portfolio. The message… the drum as a product is not the learning, but rather the lessons embedded in making the drum mattered most. We then lunged into the learning intentions of the class and that we would be experiencing summative and formative assessment practices as learners, but these ideas could also be used during their practicum or future teaching practices in K-12 education. I created a system for students to provide peer feedback and present their work. The focus was on formative assessment, student agency, and “the conversation.” We went through three rounds of dialogue. Each student provided 4 presentations, 8 peer-assessments, and 1 self-assessment. Then, we took a moment to try the “fishbowl” discussion framework to reflect on the value of reflective practice and inquiry and hopes and dreams for Block 5. Finally, we went outside to the ceremonial fire circle to provide “two words” to conclude the course. I was really happy how the class ended.
I wish this crew in the photo all the best. Thank you all for an awesome class!!
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, September 08th, 2024 | Comments Off on Back to School – Year 6
It’s the end of August and next week is the first week of the school year. A new cohort of teacher candidates arriving to the program as well as new students (to me) in the graduate course I am teaching. I have a tonne of things to do, and for this, I am grateful. I managed to complete a chapter with the help and collaboration of my colleagues on a research team, I presented at a national and local conference, and I monitored one of my courses asynchronously. I’m not sure where July and August went. The time just few by and I am so grateful to have some time to rest, travel, and find my rhythm. I love to teach, coach, and present. Connecting is my jam. Yay me!!
Maybe it’s the MATH PERSON in me, but I love making patterns. I had an awesome time supporting a small group of teacher candidates with their presentation at the UNBC Teaching and Learning Conference on August 28, 2024, and I presented twice on August 29, 2024. My first presentation was a LIGHTNING TALK about “in situ” learning at Harwin Elementary for EDUC 421 (Assessment and Motivation) and the second presentation was a panel discussion of which I organized a “fishbowl discussion” with research team members, design team members, UNBC School of Education students, and anyone else who came to our session to talk about local solutions for global impact regarding climate change. All 3 sessions went very well.
I ended my work week (and my first non-teaching term) with working on the webpage for a research project I am working on. I spent about 8-hours to train on the platform, of which I got 100%, and about 4-hours updating the webpage. That work was super satisfying. I was totally procrastinating the online training. The online delivery is not a teaching/learning style I prefer, but I managed to do much of the training in a tent, on a ranch, in Vanderhoof… with wifi… during my tiger time (i.e., 12am to 4am) at a retreat for another project I am working on. I can see why I procrastinated the asynchronous training. It took me awhile to understand what information was important and unimportant, and there were some inconsistencies within the platform. When I returned home, I figured out the glitches and submitted my work. 100% is very satisfying, and updating the webpage was even more satisfying.
What I am realizing is, I do a lot of work that many people may not recognize, see, or value. In the big picture, it does not matter. I like what I am doing. I love travelling, meeting new people, and presenting at conferences (even when the 7-minute Lightning Talk took me HOURS to create, compose, and prepare for). It’s never perfect and I’m always willing to try new things. Most of all, I love to MAKE CONNECTIONS. I love making connections between policy and practice, connections with people, and connections within my practice. I don’t need external validation (i.e., an award, recognition, or promotion). I get plenty of unsolicited compliments from students who can see and experience my work. That’s the ultimate goal. I just need to remember to DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. Everything else will fall into place.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 31st, 2024 | Comments Off on Finding My Flow
I am back at work right now. I have made a commitment to come to my office for a 4-week+ office hours for my EDUC 405 portfolio course. I just gleaned over one early submission and it looks FANTASTIC!! I love portfolio as a platform for reflection and celebration. What I love even more is the opportunity to use writing as a means for thinking. I often find myself meandering into different ideas or wonderings when I am blogging. Today’s blog post is not exception. I have missed another “weekly blog post” last week and I am ok with that. I missed a couple in the last month and I have to admit, I was more focused on resting or pausing. Last weekend, I took the time to clean my apartment, do my laundry, and get rid of any expired food from my kitchen. It was an opportunity to GROUND MYSELF (after meeting a July 1st deadline). 🙂
Then I caught a flight to Kelowna last Sunday to meet up with friends to go to the lake. My friend picked me up from the airport then drove an hour plus to her home in Salmon Arm. I had no idea that she commuted that distance to go to work. It seems that most people drive a distance (much like the Lower Mainland) to go to work. In this case, folks are driving to Kelowna. I am so grateful from my 8-minute commute to my workplace and most times I work from home. It’s all about perspectives and priorities, I suppose. A short commute was what I loved about my job teaching in K-12 (many years ago). No traffic, but just the simplicity of going to work, finding a parking spot (easily), and returning home (with ease). Gosh, I love the simple things A LOT!!
We slept over at my friend’s place. I got to meet members of her family (animals included) and we got packed to go to the lake. We drove to Sicamous. My friend’s husband loaded up the truck, the boat, and all of our supplies. He had already made one trip in the morning before coming to get us. We went grocery shopping and my friend made an effort to food plan for the trip. We had a tonne of food. I had no idea where we were going, but we would not be hungry, that’s for sure. We immersed the boat into the water and unloaded/loaded our supplies into the boat. This boating process was a team effort. I appreciated the experience and the ride to the cabin. What a beautiful place!! It’s hidden in the woods with a huge patio and access to the water. Another friend of ours met us at the cabin too later in the day. My friend’s husband was tasked into transporting us all. In the end, we successfully arrived.
The main reason why we met at Shuswap Lake was to talk about our next trip together. We went to Italy last year and had a wonderful and memorable time. We had intentions of going this year, but due to time and work constraints, we opted to go to the lake this year and discuss 2025. We talked about returning to Italy or go to places like Ireland, Portugal, or Spain. We also talked about staying local like going to New York, the Maritimes, or the Hamptons. We also discussed about going to Hawaii because there is a conference there in January, but we also got excited about going to New Orleans. Lots of conversations and Google searches to see what would work for us. I feel that I had to be a bit of rain cloud and I had to share some of my limitations like time of year and budget. Between time in and out of the water, gathering on the patio for meals, or downtime to discuss what’s possible… it might just be Italy 2026.
What I really appreciated about spending about 5-days at the lake was the down time. It was very hot and I felt compelled to be in the water (even though I don’t know how to swim). It was HOT!! That said, I loved hanging out on the dock during the night, taking pictures, and looking at the stars. The photo above is one of many photos I took last week. The air is cool and the water is calm. I just loved being present and the peacefulness that comes with being in and with nature. I appreciated this time to experience “lake life” and learn more about British Columbia. Coming home after our trip, I had a greater appreciation of where I live in the Central Interior and living in a north-facing apartment. It was still hot last night, but I loved being in my place, feeling grounded, and ready to be back at work today. It feels good to be home. Life is good.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 15th, 2024 | Comments Off on Another Missed Week
Look at the amazing photo. It’s an image of Babine Lake. I was just there for a couple of days working with Koh Learning and SD91 students. I had an awesome time working with the graduates students who came from the university as part of their coursework. We spent one night connecting and planning out a workshop they had to facilitate the next day. We had a few gut wrenching laughs. And, the students did exceptionally well the next day. The students were very engaged with their learning activity. The two days with Koh Learning was magical and spending some time in Granisle was something I needed to fill my soul to remind me about the land, place, and people. There is/was so much to learn and I was very humbled and happy.
After this event, I was collaborating with a colleague from the university. She is new to the university and I appreciated her insights and innovation. I feel that I will have a lot to learn from her and I look forward to seeing how this collaboration will manifest. During one of our conversations, she called me “a good Canadian.” I can see why se did. In lots of ways, I was being “a good Canadian.” I was not too opinionated, I was diplomatic, and I was considerate to all people (I might have been apologetic too). The comment took me by surprise. No one has ever called me “a good Canadian” before. Strangely, it’s been something I strived for as a second-generation Chinese Canadian.
I wonder if this perspective from my colleague is because she is new to Canada as well, spending a few years in Ontario before coming to BC. Her point of view was refreshing and I appreciate her straightforwardness and honesty. Most of my life I struggled with belonging and acceptance. This feeling could have been derived within my family in different ways, but also, it did not matter how “Canadian” my parents wanted me to be, you cannot change the colour of my skin. Racism was always present and sometimes visible. It’s not a good feeling to be called a racial slur when I don’t even know the language or culture of my Chinese heritage. That information was foreign to me, but for some people, how I looked influenced their opinion of me.
Moreover, I don’t want to get too hung up on stereotypes, but my kid who does not look Asian gets caught in some misnomers like “you should be good at math because….” Personally, I don’t look like a typical Asian. Growing up in Prince Rupert and working at the museum, visitors would often ask me what tribe I was from. I hated disappointing these tourists with an answer like “Hong Kong” or “China.” Honestly, I never saw myself as Asian or Chinese. I had always felt Canadian and I was brought up that way. My parents assimilated me into Canadian culture. I did not know any different. Racism is not blind. This journey into my ethnic identity is to learn more about Chinese-Canadians in BC. I also want to learn more about my family.
On the second day at Granisle, Leona Prince spoke in the opening circle. In her talk, she spoke about knowing ourselves and knowing the land. What struck me in her talk (which was outstanding and it resonated with me deeply) was her mentioning about owning and loving our name. Our last name tells us where we are from and who we are. Her asking ME to accept my last name (or any of my names for that matter) is troubling and extremely difficult. I never liked my name. Hmm… this is telling. “Alice Christine Ho”… for a good chunk of my life. I called myself “Chris Ho” for many years during my adult life. Then it transformed to “Christine Younghusband” (which by the way took a tonne of my thinking time to come to terms with that name) when I got married. Now, I go by “Christine Ho Younghusband.” To be honest, I was undecided.
Name, identity, place, and culture… I am left thinking and wondering… Who am I?
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 09th, 2024 | Comments Off on A Good Canadian
Starting this blog series of thinking about my childhood/adulthood, my ethnic identity, and the person who I have become, I am flooded by many memories I wish to unpack. I’m not going to make rules like… “blog everyday” or force myself into a way of being that is not authentic to me… but I will embark on a story that resonates with me the most, at the time. Today, what inspires me to write is about FEAR.
I don’t have a specific story, per se, but I have many stories that represent the same idea. The first narrative that comes to mind that resonates with me is about my kid and her experience in Grade 4 or 5 and making title pages. In her class, students were required to make title pages for their notebooks (for every subject area and every unit). The making of title pages were relentless and my kid could never get a 10/10.
My kid investigated the 10/10 wall of exemplars hypothesizing how to get 10/10 on one of her title pages. Was it bubble lettering? Was it colouring in circles? Was it using particular colours? Who knew? What she did know is, she never got it despite how hard she tried to achieve this illustrious 10/10. This perceived failure caused her much anxiety, confidence depletion, and doubt. My question is, what did she learn?
I often share this story about my kid and her learning experience with these title pages. Although the teacher made an explicit connection to the curriculum with these title pages, my kid did not understand what she needed to do to get a 10/10. Other students “got it” but she never did. She might have got one 10/10 but getting 10 was something that was mysterious and difficult to achieve. Why the need to comply?
For me, this story captured my attention for many reasons (and for many years). First, I remember my kid in Grade 3 (not so long before) where she questioned why the teacher insisted that she colour the sky blue. She was forced to finish the “turkey drawing” before she was allowed to the the work she wanted to do. In the end, she did neither art project. Honestly, I supported her in that decision. It made sense.
My next thought is, what happened? A couple of years later, my kid was obsessed about doing what other kids were doing. She lost her autonomy and her sense of self or agency to do what best represented her and her thinking. Learning became more about pleasing, achieving, and jumping the hoop to get the grade. I would often share this story to describe the importance of success criteria and formative feedback.
Sadly, it’s more than that. It’s about FITTING IN. This story about the title pages and those damn one-inch boarders was more than compliance and lack of clear success criteria, but more about doing what it takes to FIT IN. As Brené Brown would say, “fitting in” is the antithesis to “belonging.” Fitting in meant to “giving yourself away” or “betraying yourself” with hopes of “belonging to” something you are not aligned to.
This story weighs heavy on me and takes a full-circle. I cannot believe that this story is telling MY STORY. No wonder it resonates with me deeply. I also find it ironic that I chose the image from my collection of the Ukrainian nesting dolls. I used this image and metaphor for a TedTalk I gave in 2017 titled “ALIGNMENT.” The connection is clear and obvious to me. Fitting in has been an ongoing need and want for me.
I can’t do it anymore and honestly, I don’t get the success criteria to achieve them. I’m tired of giving myself away and betraying who I am. Over time, I lost who I was and now I am relearning it. I remember the extreme feelings of fear of “not getting it right” and getting reprimanded for “making a mistake.” I tried my best not to (or at least hide them) for purposes of fitting in, perceived acceptance, and being seen.
Meh.
This story resonates with me as a child, adolescent, young adult, and adult. I remember driving into a planter with a rental vehicle a few years ago. I damaged the bumper and I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I did not know what to say to the rental office. The entire drive I was going through scenarios in my mind and my heart was racing as if I was running a marathon. The anticipation was excruciating.
I had that aching feel-like feeling often throughout my lifetime and in many different circumstances (i.e., dropping glass during a science class during my first year of teaching, workplace interviews, and making an ICBC car claim). All of these examples do not seem on the surface to relate to my ethnicity or upbringing, but in many ways, it does. Don’t make any trouble. Don’t be a burden. Do not bite the hand that feeds you.
This fear factor (witnessed as unusual behaviour), is learned and deeply embedded in my psyche. It guides my decisions and ultimately, I become my own biggest suppressor so that the “true me” cannot be seen (or heard). As a result, I’m hiding. I’m pretending to be someone that I’m not. I am just too scared to show who I really am. Hence, the Ukrainian nesting dolls is an appropriate image for this blog post.
What I learned from the car accident with the rental car is, NOTHING HAPPENS. After driving the car back to the Vancouver Airport and parking the car, I went to the rental car desk and made the claim. I filled out some forms, they assessed the damaged. And they smiled and said that the bill would come by mail. That’s it. No judgement. No yelling. No shaming. That was a huge lesson for me (except for the $800 bill).
It’s hard for me to be seen… truly seen. As a child to adulthood, I have many layers, armour, or shields to protect me. I can let some of myself be seen, but it’s was most likely not 100% of who I was/am. Too worried to be judged, too worried to be hurt, or too worried to be disappointing anyone. There are undertones of being the youngest, being a girl, and being Chinese… all things (and more) I tried to hide or minimize.
One layer at a time is being opened and exposed. One nesting doll after the other, I am finally reaching the true me. The little doll sitting at the centre of all of these layers. Being exposed, hence sharing my stories and the desire to learn more about my history and ethnic identity as a Chinese-Canadian in BC. This pedagogical journey of mine that started well before the pandemic continues onto the next chapter.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, May 26th, 2024 | Comments Off on Scared To Let Go
October 13, 2024 – Do what you love
