Ethnic Identity

Week 59 – May 2, 2021 – Reflecting on my Ethnicity

Here I am… reheating frozen siu mai (aka. pork dumplings) for breakfast this Sunday morning (because we are still living with COVID-19 and its variants and there is no dim sum, just #stayinghome)… getting ready for the spring term and finalizing my course syllabus. How privileged that does that sound? There’s a lot of privilege. No question. I have a home, I have a job, and I have food on the table. I am safe and working at remotely from one of my homes on the Sunshine Coast (the other is my apartment in Prince George).  What can I say? I am very lucky and I am grateful. What I really want to say is, my parents worked very hard to give me what I have today.

My parents immigrate into Canada from Hong Kong in 1968 (I think) with my sister who was 2-years old. They first flew to Vancouver and then to Prince Rupert, BC with prospects of getting job. I was born and raised in Prince Rupert with my twin brother. I am the youngest of three and treated like the youngest. My sister was the #1 child and my brother was the first boy, so the #1a child. Most of my life, I’ve led the role of the #3 child. Yet, I spent a lot of my life, especially with my parents, to ensure that everything was “equal.” Big mistake and my mom knew this. She did treat us differently, when it counted. For me, I lost myself in trying to be someone I’m not.

BELONGING and SAFETY. The two biggies in education and the two biggies that we all strive for when our primary needs are met. I spent much of my life trying to belong… to blend… to be someone who I thought others wanted me to be. I was doing everything in spite of myself. When I had moments of true self emerge, I would second guess, self-doubt, and cower into a place where it looked like I was “like everybody else.” This behaviour has been true in my family life, career, and how I perceived myself. “I hate my face” is something I felt about myself for a long time.

I never said it out loud before until the other day with my friend. What a horrible realization, but these feelings are stemming from my pedagogical journey and self exploration of my ethnic identity, my biases, and delving in deep into Standard 9 of the Professional Standards of BC Educators. I’ve been working on Indigenous perspectives and worldviews with respect to K-12 mathematics education for more than 10-years. Alongside this work is understanding self and my ethnic identity.

I decided to write along side my weekly “Chris’s Edu-Vlog” that is currently focussed on themes related to IDENTITY. I need to delve deeper. I hated my face for 50-years because all I wanted to be is like everybody else. I minimized who I was and the outside never matched the inside of me. Always disheartened. Sometimes I would just never look or ignore how I looked, just like how I would ignore racist remarks or misogynistic behaviour that belittled me in public or amongst my peers. I can’t do it anymore. The #AntiAsianHate doesn’t help in light of COVID-19. I am not the one to blame or the scapegoat. I kills me to see #AntiAsianHateCrimes. I’m just done.

George Floyd and #BlackLivesMatter tampered me in many ways. One of them was recognizing that I am a person of colour… a visible minority… a woman. I overlooked marginalizing behaviour in my marriage, career, and community. I can’t do it anymore. At one time it was self-serving to me. Blend. My parents set it up that way. They made me Canadian. I have no Chinese language or culture. I don’t know of any family stories or know where my parents are from. I know very little. Even at dim sum, when my family would come together on Sundays at my mom’s beckon. I don’t even know how to order the food, what to order, or how to say it. I have nothing.

Can you imagine? My mom made sandwiches at the local deli for a living. She also worked at the pulp mill and cannery. She had a catering service and owned a coffee shop (called Vivien’s Coffee Shop) for a short while. My mom worked hard to give me the life that I have. I am an Assistant Professor at a university and my brother and sister are also professionals in their field, successful and thriving. My mom (and dad) gave this Canadian privilege to us. That’s all she wanted. I still hate my face and well… I am learning my strengths to know now, I’m not going to deny them. My mom was trying to show my gifts to me until her very last breath. I am so grateful to her.

Research as Disruption

Week 58 – April 24, 2021 – Mentorship and Gratitude

First… I would like to start off this blog by saying I got my first AstraZeneca vaccine shot today. I was on a walk and got the call. I think my kid is more happy than I am about getting the shot, but it does feel good to know that I am half way to being vaccinated from the COVID-19 virus. The pandemic is the whole reason why I am writing this blog series and it’s Week 58. The plan was to stop these weekly reflections when the pandemic was over… but sadly, I don’t think that day is coming soon.

Second… I was so tired from the week, having only 4-hour sleeps at best to get work done. By Friday night, I was so tired that I went to bed at 9:30 pm and woke at 4:30 am. Normally, I’m going to bed at 4:30 am by doing a late night of work. Now, I don’t know what do do with my time. I wrote a few emails, got up early and went for a walk.

Finally, the crux of my blog today… Mentorship and Gratitude. Do you believe in serendipity or just good timing? The more I pay attention to my feelings and listen to my intuition, the more things make sense. I’ve been making some key decisions lately because I am figuring out MY WHY in more detail and with that comes more clarity. Different people come into your life as mentors. This mentorship does not have to be a formal relationship, but a connection where something is shared and learned.

I was chatting with someone and we seem to connect in a way that resonates with me as an educator and learner. In this conversation, the idea of academia came up. A long story make short, learning comes to you in different ways and forms. Sometimes it’s intended and sometimes not. Just the other day, a comment was made suggesting that RESEARCH IS DISRUPTIVE. I never thought of it that way, but it’s true. This small statement shifted my thinking. The university’s why is connected to my why.

Truthfully, I am shocked and spent the day reflecting on what I do and why. The pieces are falling together and I am stoked that they are. Aside from going out for a walk (with friends) a few times today, it has been a good day for me. I am triggered by this research phenomena and the why of the university and the realization that I am a mentor too. I want to share a couple of student messages that was gifted to me recently that validate my work, but also verifies my why. People can see it.

STUDENT 1: Thanks for your feedback, support and hard work behind the scenes with this course… It was an honour being in your class and mentored by you. I am sure we will run into each other again in the future. 🙂

STUDENT 2: You are truly amazing- never forget it. You have created success stories- finding the good and brightness in your students. You are and have paved the pathway for many of us… It’s educators like you, who 30+ years down the road we will always remember how you taught, modelled and cared so much for us. You have created space for diversity, inclusion and acceptance- you are a gem. You find the good in people and what they have to offer the profession and world – you work with that. I feel so honoured to have been given to the opportunity to learn, laugh and collaborate with you. You are one of those educators that wherever you go and end up- you have left an impact and trail behind that can’t ever be replaced.

As much as I appreciate these words (and is difficult for me to receive), I don’t expect comments like these from students. I would rather not. I am just doing my job. I don’t want to reduce my work to a job, but this is what I strive to do and I’m just getting started. I was more stoked when the students I as supervising during practicum submitted their final reports in less than 12-hours. I love it when my students are the agents of their learning and we are working together towards a common goal. The little things. I can see myself now more clearer… knowing my purpose and my why.

Leading from the Heart

Week 57 – April 17, 2021 – Understanding Self

I’ve been spending time preparing for an interview and one of my “weak points” is talking about self and highlighting my strengths. It’s not something I am accustomed to doing but it is skill or mindset I might develop over time in higher education beyond the interview. Anyway, I digress. I think about my location statement and I do plan to return to it, but also develop a location statement as an educator. I am brought back to Parker Palmer’s Courage to Teach work and Donald Schon’s Reflective Practitioner work, I am likely to bring this idea of developing a location statement as part of EDUC 405 (e-Portfolio) but also EDUC 490 (short practicum) next term.

An area of interest to me is leadership. I am a bit awestruck how powerful leadership is integral to learning, but also I wanted to point the mirror back at me to ask, “Who am I? What leader am I? Why does it matter?” I am drawn to three types: (1) relational leadership; (2) compassionate leadership; and (3) transformative leadership.

Relational leadership focuses on the team and cares for the whole person. They understand that workplace culture has an influence on the quality of the operations and output, so how people feel is important to this leader. Compassionate leadership brings empathy to the workplace. With open hearts and minds, there would be more creative problem solving and willingness to move forward. These leaders are learners. They are focused on the team and choose to influence to remove barriers while maintaining high ethical standards. Transformative leadership challenges the status quo. These leaders are generally enthusiastic, energetic, and passionate. They support creativity, fosters good relationships, and have a clear vision. For me, all of these leadership styles intersect and interconnect. I am about the people first.

Trust, respect, and vulnerability are key. I am learning how to have these qualities to model and have others do the same. It’s not easy when there are none of these qualities present in your work environment. Fear, shame, and ego get in the way of what could be possible. So does hurt, pain, and trauma. This is where people lose heart and it’s difficult to heal when we hold onto those stories, memories, and feelings. It takes compassion, kindness, and empathy to restore the person, the community, and the vision. When a community is broken, it takes the community to rebuild. I feel that there is a huge opportunity when things are broken. One can focus on how things were or take hold of the idea that restoring means recreating. We do this by focusing on the people and how they are feeling. Change will happen.

Landing On Two Feet

Week 56 – April 15, 2021 – Understanding My Why

It’s almost Friday. I wanted to write this point last Friday, but it was not meant to be. Now it’s midnight on a Friday morning, shall we say and honestly… I have a billion things to do (and I’m tired), but I feel that this is the time to write my blog. It will be a free-write, which most of mine are lately and a reflection of what is. I might write another blog post this weekend. I have to reflect on my learning from doing a vlog for my course that was asynchronous this term. I am getting unsolicited complimentary comments from students. This is good news that I’m having some impact on others.

What’s also good news has been the last 2-weeks. Not only have I been flooded with work and the term is ending, but I have been spending some time understanding self in preparation for a possible next step. I took the time to figure out my strengths, what I value, and what’s important to me. BTW: There are several blog posts that dwell on the idea of “what’s important to me.” That question has been tapping on my shoulder for quite some time. My life hast been in limbo for months and I continue to do things that I think I should do instead of listening to my intuition or feelings.

Admittedly, I can remember many times where my intuition spoke to me and I just ignored it. Feelings were horrid yet forced myself to follow through. I’ve done that a few times in the last few years and I regret it. Why didn’t I just listen to my feelings? They were not good experiences and I guess I learned some things, but not the right things… obviously, because I repeated this behaviour over and over again. A couple of other times, I listened to my gut and “reacted” for a better word or less and sought validation to see if my intuition was right. UGH. That just created other form of regret.

Here we are again. The anticipation is mounting. I am taking the time to listen to my intuition and feelings. I took the time to understand my strengths to figure out why I do what I do. What I learned is, I’ve been working against my strengths. The areas that I am good at, such as finding alternative solutions, communicating and working with others, and having a vision for the future, are STRENGTHS and I was doubting them because I didn’t look like or act like anyone else. I started to doubt myself such that I didn’t trust myself and became unwantingly dependent on others. I’m a freedom-girl.

I understand that now about myself and I’m not sorry about it. I am going to live up to and embrace my strengths. This is who I am. I am not like anyone else and that’s ok. I’ve just got to use my strengths that best serve me and others. Learning more about myself helps me to work on my LOCATION STATEMENT further but also focus on Parker Palmer’s “Heart of a Teacher.” Anyway, I’ve been working on this and then a couple of days ago I was struck by MY WHY. Here’s another area I’ve been working on for years. I think it would be one thing, but never felt quite right. And there it was…

All of a sudden, my past, present, and future all seemed to make sense. Everything is pointing in the same direction. Everything that seemed so fragmented is actually interconnected. Everything just made sense. You cannot imagine my excitement. THIS IS MY WHY. I could not believe it. Understanding my why helped me to stop and listen. I was checking how I felt and what my intuition was telling me. It was full stop. Because I had CLARITY, making decisions about my personal and professional life was clear. I found my why 2-days ago and made some pretty big life decisions since.

I don’t feel scared, worried, or judged. It just is. I didn’t need validation. I wasn’t reacting. I feel 100% confident with my decisions and I understand my why. I’m not in it for me. My only self interest is to satisfy and be true to my why. I have landed.

Staying Grounded

Week 55 – April 5, 2021 – Focus on my strengths

One of my pet peeves about blogging is not to repeat blog titles. I do it from time and again then feel compelled to change it because I made these arbitrary rules in my head. I’ve written many blogs and you can tell first hand if I repeated a blog title. It says it right in the URL… blah, blah, blah-2. Admittedly, nothing is more frustrating, but I am not going to do anything about it and let it be. Although having two of the same titles aggravates me to no end, is this the hill I’m going to die on? Not today.

I just finished something for work that sucked the life out of me. No joy. No love. It was awful. I’m not saying that it was not a necessary good, but it was something that I had to do as part of my work and honestly, it was not fun. I put it off for a few weeks to see how the situation would evolve and now was the best time to write that report. I have soooooo much on my plate, each demanding my time, but I have to proceed with one step at a time. I am totally mono-tasker. That’s it. I’ve got to be me.

That’s been “my struggle” lately… and I do not believe struggles are a bad thing. I think that’s where the learning lies, it’s within the struggle. I’ve been taking the time to learn more about myself. Being in COVID-times one can’t help but reflect on what’s important and why. I’ve been a big fan of Myers-Briggs since doing my master’s degree eons ago. I fluctuate between ESTJ and ENTP. It depends on what I am doing and where my headspace is. Recently, my friend introduced me to Enneagram. It turns out that I am Enneagram 8. Strangely, what I’ve read so far is pretty close.

Learning more about myself gives me some kind of solace. I am on this journey of self-study and would like to hone this skill as I move forward with teaching and research. I am so interested in identity development and learning more about how my identity was developed. I wrote a Location Statement in preparation for a presentation I was doing with a teacher candidate at BCTEN (BC Teacher Education Network) Virtual Conference. I am currently working on a Location Statement in Education. I hope to post that soon. In the meantime, I engaged in one more survey.

I jumped in, spent the money, and delved into a survey questionnaire to learn about my strengths. We talk about “strength based learning” in teacher education, but how can you do that if you don’t know your strengths. I’ve done this survey several times before, but I wanted to do the full analysis as well as see if anything has changed for me or not. As it turns out, most of my strengths have remained the same but now I am making connections to my current context. What I have learned is, I have been resisting or denying my strengths. I would step forward, be spooked by no one else seeing or feeling the same way, and then would step back. Why did I do this?

I reflect on my Location Statement and social dynamics of my family. What I learned as a child is to step back, because I did see things differently. So, I just assumed I was wrong. In my family, being the youngest child, I had no say or authority. Apparently, this is my strength, amongst may other things that are true. HUH? What I did act without consultation, I would often look back with regret and huge self-doubt because of the same reasons. I must be wrong!!! It turns out, it’s my strength and I should embrace it. My mom was trying to teach that to me, even on her last days on this earth. She could see me and my strengths. That was a hard lesson to learn.

This week was challenging, which left me in two places…. heartbroken and heart-warmed. Now that I understand more about myself and understanding why I am behaving in response to certain situations helps me to realize that I am operating from my values, that I can see things differently from others, and I am driven to influence others. I have purpose and I know my why. What I do and how I do it is ALIGNED to who I am. I just have to trust myself. This is my strength and my job is not to step back. My self-doubt is not real. It’s my strength and I have to honour that.

I looked back at my last blog titled, “Staying Grounded” and I was in a different place 2-years ago. You can hear my self doubt and uncertainty. I still talked about being a “uni-tasker” and being completely flooded with work. I was also talking about Prince George not being my PLACE and that I had no intentions of leaving the Sunshine Coast. It’s amazing how things have changed in 24-months. I’ve been back on the Sunshine Coast since Mother’s Day 2020 due to the pandemic. I’ve been teaching remotely and enjoying being back on the Coast with my daughter, but my marriage ended and I am 100% thinking about leaving and starting anew. It’s time for change.

Having Second Thoughts

Week 54 – March 26, 2021 – My Five Year Plan

I have no bloody idea. What is my 5-year plan? Why would anyone ask me that? Gah. My life is in limbo. Who knows where I will be in 5-years never mind 5-months. Am I committed in what I do? Absolutely. Do I care about what I do? Absolutely. So, what’s the problem? I am reflecting on that. I am swamped with work and trying to carve out time that fills my cup. I don’t know how other people do it. It makes me wonder but also makes me reflect on what’s important to me and why. I’m back at that again. Obviously I have not put my finger on it. Knowing that I’m an Enneagram 8 (wing 7) and an ESTJ or ENTP (depending on context) sheds some light on why I am the way I am but I think I’m just scratching the surface. I am getting a little obsessed with developing my LOCATION STATEMENT (version 2), focussing on leadership, and “finding my place.” I have been here before. It’s time to dig a bit deeper. Being aligned to what I do and whom I’m with is so important to me. When I don’t have it, I’m left to question. Integrity and honesty are at the core of my being, yet I will give my power away or get angry or frustrated. That needs unpacking. Sometimes my triggers relate to competence, clarity, and control. All of this is a reflection of me and what bothers me. I think that is the underpinning of what’s provoking me, but why does that matter? I’ll admit, I don’t feel like I have those 3 C’s at the moment. Maybe that’s how my students feel too. I know that I’m working towards having the 3 C’s, but lately I have not been so hopeful. It’s been more than one year of COVID-19. Regardless of vaccines and the urge to get back to normal, nothing is normal and I’ve been living a life of temporary living and doing things “just for now.” I thought I could let things ride for a bit longer but now I’m feeling I need to build some roots and commit. Ugh. Another C word… COMMIT. I’m not there yet. Do I just take the bull by the horns or just stand by? I spoke to a couple of people today who inspired me but also mentored me in their own way. I should focus on that. The leadership they have provided me to focus on my 3 C’s + 1 is compelling and worth investigating. And yes, you saw that. I just made my 5-year plan into an algebraic expression. #boom

Getting a Hair Cut

Week 53 – March 20, 2021 – The Little Things

Ha. Here is a selfie of me at the Vancouver International Airport last year. My how times have changed. I cannot believe the lifestyle I was living over the last few years. I was living in two places. I was separated from my kid and now I am separated from my husband. I feel like I’m starting my career all over again and I am STILL figuring out what my strengths are and what I have to contribute to the world. I know… sounds intense. I was flying up and down from Prince George to Vancouver. I used to take the ferry ALL OF THE TIME before that. How did we get here? Oh ya… the global pandemic. I was trapped in my apartment… ALONE… and isolated for months (from March 13, 2020 to May 8, 2020). I left on Mother’s Day, as a gift to myself, to head back to the Sunshine Coast to be with my daughter. I have no regrets there. I’ve been living my life on the temporary. I did return to Prince George once with my daughter for a quick visit to pick up my desktop and books from my office and apartment and that was it. I never looked back. To think that my brother, sister, and dad planned to fly up to Prince George during spring break last year to see the women’s world curling and now we are hard-pressed with what to do with the plane tickets. How long with the credit and points last? This pandemic has played trick on my mind and there is nothing in my body that says, “I want to get on a plane.” I was on a plane all of the time, but now I rarely get out of my house. I am never on a ferry. I may go to Gibsons, which is about 25 minutes away from Sechelt, to go to London Drug. But really, I just stay home, go for edu-walks with a couple of friends, and go for a Tim Horton’s steeped tea from time to time. That’s it. I work remotely from home and I have slowly become very accustomed to this lifestyle. Weirdly, I’ve met more people from where I work from where I am via Zoom and I have never been so busy. Now that I in the groove of things, I feel content with what I am achieving with my service work and teaching. I do try to carve out some time to engage in research, but I’m not there yet. My position is predominately teaching and I am fulfilling that role. What I am enjoying is living and learning in transformation within the university and program. It’s super challenging, but reminded of the importance of leadership. I love being back in my home on the Sunshine Coast to be with my daughter. The global pandemic has been a gift that way and I am very grateful. What I am totally surprised about the pandemic was my ability to grow out my hair. I used to have short hair and struggled to grow out my hair for years. This is a pretty good photo of my hair (without bangs), but now I can tie my hair back into a bun. I have not cut my hair for more than a year and I think it’s time to get my haircut. I’m getting one this Tuesday and I was so proud to tell my hairdresser that my hair is long FOR THE FIRST TIME… (well, I think the last time my hair was significantly long, I was 5-years old). Not sure what to expect but I would like to have some “style” to my hair so that I don’t feel compelled to tie it back all of the time, even though it makes my life super easy and feel like I have short hair. Well, aside from the pandemic and waiting for my turn for the vaccine, I am delighted to know that this is a joy and gift for me to look forward to my first haircut in quite some time. This is truly an exercise gratitude and I am very thankful for the little things. Maybe next week’s blog will be a selfie with me with my “new do.” Yes. I am embracing 2021, but I cannot believe March is almost over. The time warp has to stop, but in the meantime, I will enjoy every moment. Grace.

#lifeisgood #streamofconsciousness #pandemicreflection

One Year in the Pandemic

Week 52 – March 13, 2021 – No more hiding

Holy moly. It’s been one year and the global pandemic persists. I remember the day when one of my students in January brought to my Numeracy Across the Curriculum class two possibilities to do her lesson plan on: (1) electromagnetic energy; or (2) the virus spreading in China. She chose option (1). It was only a couple of months later we found ourselves completing the course online asynchronously and using data from the media regarding the number of cases as inspiration to design learning around a current event that is related to their subject specialty and numeracy principles.

I also remember the day we were told that we were going to remote learning. It was Friday, March 13th. I was food shopping and bumped into one of my colleagues. We chatted briefly and joked about what if. We hugged and giggled. Little that I knew, it became official and no one was returning back to campus. Toilet paper was scarce and practicum ended abruptly before spring break. We scrambled to ensure that the Year 2 Teacher Candidates had enough evidence to pass practicum and graduate. For my numeracy course with my Year 1 Teacher Candidates, we went asynchronous online. I needed the time to cope with this new phenomena of isolation and social distancing. My students needed the time to complete the course at their own rate.

Both cohorts endured a strike and COVID-19. Their resiliency was tested and they exceed my expectations. While I was self-isolating from the world and watching the news 24/7, my colleague was compelled to call me everyday to see if I was OK. She met with the teacher candidates regularly on Zoom and I facilitated learning from a distance. That said, we did collaborate with some of the Year 2 teacher candidates to create a 2020 Legacy Project. And more recently, these teacher candidates (now teachers) contributed to the department website with a student testimonial. As much as it has been a difficult year, working with the 2020 and 2021 cohorts was just amazing. I am so grateful to work with them this year. A phenomenal crew.

I can’t believe it’s been a year. I left Prince George and headed back to the Sunshine Coast on Mother’s Day (May 8th) as a gift to myself. As disrupted 2020 was for the teacher candidates, it was a massive disruption for me in seeing my kid on a regular basis. I was losing touch. I did not expect to say longer than the summer. I packed a suitcase, a backpack with my laptop, and my plants and headed back to my second home. I did return once to Prince George to pick up my desktop, drop off a few things, and watch graduation online. Otherwise, I’ve been on the coast ever since. I wanted to get rid of my apartment to save a few dollars, but the pandemic worsened and market values went way up. It just made more sense to hold onto my place.

The last 12-months was a year of uncertainty. I have never worked so hard from my living room floor. What’s expected of me is massive and I don’t seem to have the time to get everything done in a timely manner and get some of my work done. In fact, I never get there. It’s been a year of reflection and constant pivoting. I am learning that you can’t please everyone and I have to make myself a priority. That’s not easy. Due to the uncertainty, it was difficult to make decisions. Furthermore, my life is also in a holding pattern and what I need to do is make the best of the opportunities that come my way. Student learning and advocacy continue to be a priority for me as well as supporting my colleagues and contributing to the university where I can.

I take a deep breath. I have been challenged many times this year and almost gave up. I am learning to be more vulnerable and to BE SEEN. That’s not easy for me. It’s been 12-months of reflection and it is becoming very clear to me what my next steps will be. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about doing things for you because you deserve it and you’re good enough. No pretending. No hiding. Just learning and doing what I love that stokes my fire. I need to do this for myself, but also model for my daughter that you can do anything regardless of obstacles. Do not be distracted by perceived expectations. Focus on what matters to you and get there on your terms. Keep persisting and re-navigating. You will succeed. In the meantime, I will continue to hibernate at home, teach online asynchronously, and go to meetings via Zoom. I hope to be vaccinated by the summer and ready for the fall. It’s time to bloom.

Stand Up

Week 49 – February 21, 2021 – A Curler’s Mindset

I always have intentions of writing a weekly blog on Fridays. As the weekend approaches, time will fly by and now it’s Sunday night. I do struggle with weekly or daily blogs, but a regular timeline is a good way to provide some structure in a busy work week to reflect. My preference is to blog when I’m inspired, but when COVID-19 struck, I was uninspired. So I need a weekly blog to inspire to. It’s week 49 and almost a year of weekly blogging. That’s pretty good, but I cannot believe that it’s almost been a year of remote/online teaching and learning. Is it possible to be Zoomed out?

Teaching remotely keeps me safe, but it can be super taxing on the mind. Sometimes my brain just needs a break from technology. I’ve just finished co-moderating #bcedchat on Twitter, so I’m geared for online work tonight. I have a kabillion things to do, but I have to carve out time to reflect or blog to think about what it and imagine what will be. I do enjoy blogging and thinking about my thinking.

This week I’m thinking about getting my curling mindset back. I used to curl as a high school student and loved it. In Grade 8 I started curling and remember skipping a team in a youth bonspiel. We lost in the finals because the other team scored an 8-ender against us and won a trip to Hawaii. That could have been the worst day of my life, but it was the beginning of my curling career. I witnessed how things could be.

I loved learning more about curling and playing the game. We went to camps, lots of bonspiels, and plenty of playdowns. By Grade 12, my team was runner-up in one provincials event and the winner in the other. It was a good year. In 5-years, we became provincial champions. Perseverance and grit. You will lose games and make mistakes. Learn. Don’t give up. There are coaches and mentors to help too. Accept the help. Take the feedback. Get out there and try again. #experientiallearningcycle

Taking Control

Week 48 – February 15, 2021 – Being Intentional

I cannot believe that it’s mid-February. Where has the time gone? This COVID Time Warp is not helping me. Time is flying by, yet standing still. It’s Week 48 since the pandemic announcement in BC and we’re steps away from its one-year anniversary. Although I appreciate this time to reflect and think about what’s important to me during the pandemic, I need to make some intentional changes for myself. I’ve been thinking about my strengths, my interests, and how I feel. It’s been a rollercoaster. I’ve had it pretty easy though. I teach remotely, I have a job, and I am home with my kid.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my cultural identity, decolonizing my pedagogy, and what’s next for me. I am so grateful to be on the Sunshine Coast and enjoying being back on the coast. I love the ocean and being with my kid and friends. I am recognizing the role of land to one’s identity and how PLACE IS STORY. I don’t think I would have understood this had I not taken myself out of place and situate myself somewhere different. The climate is different, in addition to the geography and people. You don’t notice until you really have to. This, in itself, is good learning.

Maybe it’s the “I’m 50” thing or I am so entrenched in my #pandemicreflections and we are approaching one-year of being #sociallydistanced. What I do know for sure is, I can’t let life happen to me. I’ve been letting it (for some reason) and it’s not playing out the way I had hoped. Also, I have to be more intentional with what I choose and understand why it’s important to me. Yes, this sounds like another opportunity for overthinking, but I am finding myself overworking and under fulfilled. I’ve been giving my power away by stepping aside, hoping for the best, and thinking good things happen to good people. None of this is serving me well. And yes, I can see that now.

I am reminded of my mom at this time of year. She passed away almost 3-years ago and she made critical decisions about her life to take back her control, integrity, and dignity. I remember the days so clearly, with one regret of not being with her overnight when she first went to the hospital. I’ll leave that for another blog post. 3-years ago, my mom prayed for family day long weekend to end. No one was on duty so she had to wait for everyone to come back. On the Wednesday, which was Valentine’s Day, she decided to stop all treatments. She was done with the needles. On the Friday, Chinese New Year, she opted for MAID (medical assistance in dying).

I remember those days. She was so absolute with her decision. My family did not believe her. They were planning something completely different for her but she stood her ground. She was determined to make the final decision of her life. She made that choice on Chinese New Year. She made it again when she signed all of the forms (and she was blind). She stayed consistent with her conviction with the 2-doctor interviews. She was sent home because they would not do MAID at the hospital. She insisted that she wanted to die at an institution and not at home. BAD ENERGY, she would say. We transported her from place to place. At her very last moment, they asked her again and she followed through. The nurse called her a “maverick” and a “trailblazer.”

My mom was so brave. She is probably the most strongest person I know. She was caring and funny. She always thought of others and did what it took to take care of others. I mean, she waited for me to graduate before she passed away. Damn. I took soooooo long to get my dissertation done. She was even too ill at the time to go to my convocation. We did not know the extent of her illness or pain. She tried to hide it, even though at times she was not very good at it. Valentine’s Day, Family Day, and Chinese New year is not an easy time for me. There is a lot of pain and sadness. I miss her. But, I am left with a smile as I write, because she continues to teach me.