Christine Ho Younghusband

I Needed This

Week 83 – Part 1 – October 13, 2021 – Reminded of my WHY

Wow. I will admit,  I’ve been in a cognitive slump. I have no other words to describe how I’ve been feeling recently (during the pandemic), but I am wondering if I was experiencing an implementation dip (Fullan, 2008)… in my life. I’m undergoing a system change, metaphorically speaking and I was approaching a low moment today. It was almost like I was approaching the bottom of the dip. Tonight was a turning point and felt that I had to write about it. A couple of my students responded to a last minute email, carved out the time in their evening during a very busy time in their program, and presented their learning experiences to other students and faculty who are new to the program. THEY WERE AMAZING. I was so heartened with what they had to say. It was like watching the transformed perform. My fire was stoked again.

I was abruptly reminded of MY WHY. I was so proud of them, but I was more in awe to see who they have become with 7 more weeks of practicum to go. They are going to be phenomenal. Then, I thought about a couple of other students who were unable to make it tonight but were willing to share their work; and then, I thought of a couple other students who I’ve been emailing. My reflections continued from one student to another and MY WHY was so clear to me. Honestly, it never changed. This is what Simon Sinek would say. I would agree with him. I have caught myself sometimes thinking about my teaching and feeling like how I was… in the FLOW… when I taught secondary mathematics. I felt the same way teaching in teacher education or teaching courses in education. It feels great when you are in flow. I felt that again.

I’ve been so preoccupied by becoming someone who I am not. As a result, I start self-doubting myself, second guessing my actions, and worried about what others think. The truth is, I was becoming more misaligned to who I am and what I want to achieve. It’s so weird, because this is the same advice I gave a student recently. I need to listen to my own advice and focus on MY WHY again. Tonight was a beautiful reminder of MY WHY and I am grateful to my students everyday who remind me of what’s important. I felt this way when I taught secondary mathematics and feel this way again in teacher education. Listening and recognizing these familiar feelings and acknowledging what’s important to me and why are grounding and humbling. I often wonder what if… but find myself saying thank goodness that didn’t happen instead.

My gratitude extends to my students… always. I feel that I am on the upswing and inspired by my students. I learn so much from them about my practice, my identity, and my sense of self-efficacy. I love the connections I make with students, but I also have to remember to stay true to myself. The support, care, and respect we share are reciprocated. I don’t have to be like other teachers (or researchers). I’m not here to impress anyone but myself. This is authenticity and true belonging. It’s taken me a long time to learn this. I often wonder about life’s lessons and figuring out the connections between different events or experiences and the lessons I need to learn. Tonight, it was returning to MY WHY. My hope and faith are restored. My love for students and their learning experiences are immense and will always fuel my fire.

Thank you to my students. I know that sounded a little possessive and I apologize to those who may be offended by that term “my students.” You are students who I’ve taught in the past, present, and future. You make me a better person. I am always humbled and honoured to be a part of your learning journey, because I know you are an integral and instrumental part of my pedagogical journey. For that, I am grateful.

Choose Happy

Week 82 – October 10, 2021 – Thanksgiving Weekend

On Friday, October 8th, my kid and I went out for dinner to end the week. She had the day off and I just love the idea of someone else making me dinner. I gave her a few options to choose from and she wanted to go somewhere “Asian.” It’s an interesting phenomenon that we are both experiencing. We really want Chinese food. Living in the Lower Mainland and having access to Asian food was so easy. In the north, we spend a lot of our time looking for Asian food possibilities. Frozen or fresh. We found a Japanese and Vietnamese restaurants in town that we are happy with. We also found a local “Chinese Restaurant” (finally… yay) and that’s where we went.

My kid is pescatarian, which makes find Asian food and Asian places to eat challenging. My kid has a dish, chow mein Cantonese style, that she really likes and this one comes with seafood. It is definitely a win and it’s close to where we live. Of course with all Canadian-Chinese food restaurants, we end our meal with a fortune cookie. My kid chose the cookie that read “good health and long life,” which is something I always hope for. I actually thought she chose the wrong fortune cookie. Then I opened mine and it said, “No one is happy who  does not think himself so.”  Damn. I had no idea what it meant. I read it a few times and my kid went to Google.

She found this link: https://philosiblog.com/2012/07/10/no-man-is-happy-who-does-not-think-himself-so/ From the blog, it restates the statement as a question: “From whom do you need permission in order to feel good about yourself?” And yes, the blog post answers the question by saying: “If you don’t give yourself that permission, no one else, and nothing else, can possibly hope to be able to do it for you.” Well, that consumed my Saturday, October 9th (aka. one week after my birthday) wrestling with this idea: CHOOSE HAPPY. How do I give myself permission to be happy? Hmm… so profound, yet so aligned to the journey that I’m on. What does it mean to be happy? What makes me happy? Apparently, the yummy Chinese food dinner is not enough.

Last night, I went over to my friend’s place for Thanksgiving dinner. She went above and beyond and exceeded my expectations 10-fold. I was expecting mashed potatoes, salmon, and a veggie. She made salmon for my kid, her friend made ham, and she made turkey with all the fixings… and pumpkin pie. Honestly, I would have been completely satisfied with instant ramen and good company. The food was phenomenal and I am grateful to be part of this Thanksgiving experience. Today, I am making vegetarian chilli. That’s it. Canned beans, veggies, and chilli power in a crockpot and that it. Wait for 4-hours and voila. Dinner. Nothing fancy. It’s just food.

Today, October 10th, I am left thinking and reflecting. Last night, I realized at dinner that the three of us (kid excluded) had a lot in common. We were all educators. We are living independently in apartments. And, we left our partners because they were not faithful. Ironically, the men kept the houses and the women got independence. What the BLEEP. I left teaching because of misogynistic behaviours and now leaving my marriage. I am left to wonder about the misogynistic, male-dominant world I live in. It’s sick and I struggle with CHOOSE HAPPY. I want to give myself the permission to be happy, but I don’t want to give up my power, money, or sense of self in doing so. Giving up my house, my place, and my career to have peace of mind seemed like the only way out. What did I really give up and what have I gained? I am left to wonder.

It is World Mental Health Day and Thanksgiving weekend. What an interesting time to reflect and consider what makes me happy. What I am realizing is, this series of PANDEMIC REFLECTIONS is not ending at Week 82. What started off with professional reflections, much have led to some personal ones. That said, all of my reflections are interrelated and what I believe is, reflection is important and the writing process provides me with a way to think things through. I choose to make my thoughts transparent because I have nothing to hide, but with hopes of helping someone else who reads my blog. I am definitely engaged in investigating my identity and understanding myself in a deeper and more meaningful way. I love that I am living with my kid. I love to teach. And, I love all those who stand beside me to lift me up.

Much gratitude. #pandemicreflections #thanksgiving

Birthday Weekend – Year in Review

End of Week 81 – October 3, 2021 – Filled with gratitude

Damn. Birthday month started really well. I am so happy that my twin bro, sister, and dad came up to visit me (and my kid) in Prince George to celebrate our birthday. We had an excellent weekend together. We ate, played golf, and walked along the river at Cottonwood Park  (see photo above). I feel so lucky to have them in my life and grateful that they all gave Prince George the “thumbs up”  (see photo below). My twin bro is already planning his next trip up to Prince George. Super fun. He’s a fan and I am so grateful that my family is happy for me and my kid. That is the best gift of all. I am the youngest of three, even though I am a twin. They take care of me and have my best interest in mind. Who can ask for anything more? Oh ya… my kid is the best.

I’ve been thinking about the year in review. I almost want to do a decade in review… a decade of midlife unravelling, but super grateful for the pedagogical journey I have taken so far to get to where I am today. I left teaching in public schools when I turned 40, and now I am absolutely in love with teaching in teacher education at the end of 50. It’s a beautiful return to my practice, but also an incredible return to myself. What more can I say? I feel like I am living the dream. I have good friends, I live with my kid, and I get to be myself. This “path now taken” is absolute freedom and I cannot wait for this chapter of my life to unfold. I am so grateful to return back to campus, live in Prince George with my kid (who is thriving), and work with people who inspire and support me. It’s been wonderful to teach classes in person and Teacher Candidates transitioned well into practicum. I can’t wait to see them teaching in K-12 schools.

To conclude this trip around the sun, I want to make a Top 10 List of “what the?”

1. On the Sunshine Coast for 16-months to be with my kid during COVID.
2. Pivot like nobody’s business and teach remotely for 16-months.
3. Edu-walking almost every weekday during lunch with my edu-buddy.
4. Saying goodbye to the Sunshine Coast and my house/home of 27-years.
5. Drive a U-Haul truck to move my stuff and my kid’s stuff up north.
6. My dog, Sally, passed away before moving away from the Sunshine Coast.
7. Moving to Prince George, living with my kid, and being her mom full-time.
8. Hitting a buck in the dar and we both survived, but bought a new car.
9. Finding a passion for EDI work, statistics, and identity development.
10. Working on research and being mentored by amazing, caring people.

I never thought my life would be this way, but here I am. I have nothing but gratitude. I look forward to this year. I know there will be major changes for me, but I also hope that doors will open when others close. I will keep my head down, belong to self, and continue pursuing MY WHY (without regret). My why has never changed. Hello 51.

My Name and My Identity

Week  81 – September 30, 2021  – Truth and Reconciliation

Today is a day for reflection, the first National Day for Truth and Reconciliation. I was grateful to engage in the Talking Circle hosted by UNBC on Zoom. I listened to local Indigenous scholars and  community members sharing their culture and language with all those attending the event. It was beautiful to listen to Elder Audrey share her cause of bringing an Indigenous child back to their home and community… and why. I am struck by the economy of  residential schools and the power of matriarchs. I was inspired and humbled. I am so grateful to be amongst people who are committed to sharing the truth so that we can being our journey of reconciliation. What I can do is to learn, read, and listen. I need to continue to understand and unlearn the values and practices of colonization and find ways to indigenize my pedagogy and way of being. I will continue to stand beside and make space for Indigenous Peoples to ensure their voices are heard, listened to, and understood… and take action.

I feel hopeful when I see and listen to Indigenous leaders and influencers who share their vision for the future. I am  inspired by their clarity and determination. I am learning from them as Indigenous People in Canada are focused on rediscovering and restoring their culture, protocol, and language. As a second-generation Chinese Canadian, I can empathize with the disconnection of assimilation under the guise of multiculturalism, but cannot empathize with the genocide of my people and culture for the sole purpose of exploiting natural resources, the economy, and ownership of land. I was thinking it’s like somebody coming in and taking your aunty or cousin and owning them or  exploiting them for their resources. Who does that? Indigenous People have a relationship to the land and natural world. It’s a community that extend beyond the person. Think about how much is taken from the land and not restored or replaced. The whole idea of climate change must be devastating. I can’t.

As I wrestle with my identity and ethnic identity, I admire how Indigenous Peoples were able to find the stories, songs, and traditions and revitalizing the joy and meaningful experiences to reignite and reinforce who they are. Just like many generations of Indigenous Peoples, I have no language and culture. I love how they are going back to the land and elders to learn what needs to be learned to move forward. The resilience and persistence to recover and maintain their culture in addition to heal from the experiences, loss, and trauma incurred from Residential Schools  and limitations of the Indian Act is admirable and humbling. I can only learn from Indigenous Peoples, but also stand beside them to help in any way to support and understand our collective journey together seeking truth and reconciliation.

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with my identity and was asked what name would I like to use for a presentation and soon to be publication. i started life as “Alice Christine Ho” with Alice as my legal first name and Christine as my given name. Confusing and annoying at the same time for lots of reasons for many years of my life and I hated my last name Ho because it was not a “Canadian” name. It was Chinese. I just didn’t identify as Chinese…  as Alice… or Christine. I could not stand my name. To top it off, my sister’s first name is “Allison” and my twin brother’s middle name is “Christopher.” I did not feel like I had a name of my own that I liked. Admittedly, my name has been the ultimate identity killer… and to realize as a midlife adult that I was colonized by my parents to  be a “good Canadian” kills me (a little bit more). Who the hell am I?

As a young adult, I found some agency and called myself “Chris Ho.”  Yes…  I wrote a blog about it, Rebrand as Chris Ho. I was thinking in another pandemic reflection about my name AGAIN.  My name is always on my mind. I hate when organizations ask for my name… I always say, “I don’t know.” After I married, I made a huge effort to call myself “Christine Younghusband” even though I made my legal documents and graduate degrees to read “Alice  Christine Ho Younghusband.” Ultimately, I was undecided. Now in  my new independent life as an academic, I need a name that I publish with. Honestly, it took a life of its own a few years ago at SFU and started as “Christine Younghusband,” but I spent some time at UNBC rebranding as “Christine Ho Younghusband.” Now, I’m asked what name do I want to use for a publication.

I was so desperate for an answer, I asked a couple friends, put out a Twitter poll, texted my family, and asked my PLN in a DM. The poll leaned on “Christine Ho Younghusband,” my family said “Christine Ho,” and my friends said use “Dr. Christine Younghusband” professionally and something else personally (like Christine Smith or Allison Crocs). Love the humour of my friends. What resonated with me more was what some people said on Twitter…  “What name resonates with you the most?” “What name feels authentic to you?” “What name best represents who you are today?” All very good questions that brought me to a place of deep reflection. Ultimately, I am every permutation of “Alice Christine Ho Younghusband” which my PLN noted the “achy” initials. Tell me about it!!! In the end, I am all of these names.

As I struggle with my name, “Dummy Bad Boy” was on the CBC. Damn. All Indigenous Children were “named.” What a huge disconnection from one’s identity in addition to being separate from land, family, and community. I can’t even imagine. My name issues and sense of identity reflects only a fraction of what Indigenous Peoples in Canada experienced. If anything, I can empathize. And because I do, in ways of my name, cultural erasure, and colonization, I am committed to the TRC Calls to Action and finding ways to decolonize, indigenize, and create space to advocate, support, and lift Indigenous Peoples on our journey towards truth and reconciliation.

My Last Week as 50

Week 80 – September 26, 2021 – The Real Weekly Blog Post

Ok…  I cheated with my last post by posting twice mid-week to catch up and get ahead on my weekly blog post. Full confession. It’s time to reflect. What I realized is, the weekly pace of blog posting fits my rhythm of reflection and I want to honour this time. When I don’t, I should make note of the busyness of the now and take a pause. Here I am. I’ve tried daily blogs and blogging based on moments of inspiration. Blogging weekly seems like a reasonable balance between the two methodologies.

I never realized the importance of pausing, prioritizing, and play. Today was a good day. I cannot  emphasize how good I feel today. First, I am carving out the time to blog. Then, I was interrupted several times today with work, visiting with friends, walking in the sun, edu-chatting on Twitter, and taking a bath. All good things. It was a balance between being productive and being mindful and present. Now, I can see what I have to do next. What didn’t make sense before, now does. I have clarity.

Gosh. This is my last week of being 50. Yes. I’m declaring it. I’m living the second half of my life (for the last 10-years… LOL) and life is unravelling. That’s what Brene Brown calls it. It’s not a midlife crisis, but an unravelling. I could not agree more. From 40 to 50 has been a journey that I could not have predicted. The last year in particular was incredibly stressful and extraordinary (in not so good ways), and I engaged in many life experiences that I’m not sure I would like to do ever again (i.e., drive a U-Haul).

I will do a year in review next week on my birthday. My twin brother, my sister, and dad are coming up to Prince George this weekend to celebrate 51. We’re going to the Keg. That’s the big plan and possibly pitch & putt (weather pending). I think that I have learned not to take myself too seriously, I love my kid to bits, and I’m competent. I am also figuring out my research program and making time to get things done. I saw a vision of myself the other day while in the FLOW. I need to remember that feeling.

If anything, I am learning more about myself. I am learning more about my ethnic identity and how to stand on my 2-feet. And, I’m learning how to speak my truth (and not betray myself). Belonging, trust, and vulnerability are tough ones for me, but in the end it’s about belonging to and trusting myself. When I do, I can be vulnerable to take-risks, connect, and be creative. I’m not sure what the last few days of being 50 will bring. I’m hoping for some joyful moments, connection, and restful nights.

My (Revised) Location Statement

Week 80 – September 22, 2021 – Rewriting what’s important

I suspect that I will return to this again. I was so inspired to get back to this writing and so I did. Now I feel like I’m ahead on my weekly blog posts by posting ones back to back. Seems fitting. Returning back to my Location Statement, it was clear to me that I have shifted since my first iteration. Lots of the details don’t mean that much to me anymore. For example, I did not mention the lingering effects of the Pulling Together Journey or what it mean to live away from the ocean. It turns out that I am more defined by how I look as a “person of colour” and who my parents were. I am a product of colonization and Canadian policy. I believe my biggest learning so far is understanding my value and acting in ways that are aligned to my values.

My Location Statement:
Alice Christine Ho Younghusband, B.Sc., B.Ed., M.Ed., Ed.D.

My name is Alice Christine Ho Younghusband. My mom is Vivien Ho (her Canadian name given to herself after the British actress Vivien Leigh) and Douglas Ho (but had also named himself Cyril because it sounded more like his Chinese name). They were both born and raised in Hong Kong and both immigrated to Canada with my older sister, Allison. My twin brother and I were both born and raised in Prince Rupert, BC, a place where my parents settled. 

I am a non-Indigenous settler and second generation Chinese Canadian woman. I am the youngest of three children and could never compete with the first child and first boy of the family. I self-identify as “Number 3” in my family, but always strived for “being equal” to my siblings. I am a math educator, teacher educator, and wannabe researcher. I am a mother, daughter, sister, aunty, niece, cousin, colleague, and friend. Although I have led a life of privilege and am currently an Assistant Professor at the University of Northern British Columbia, I was also marginalized and subject to racism, sexism, and more recently lateral violence. 

Although I may appear Chinese based on my genetics and how I look (and some have presumed that I am Indigenous based on my appearance or married name), I am Canadian, assimilated by my parents to “fit” or belong to the Canadian Culture. I don’t speak or understand Cantonese and I have no sense of Chinese culture, except for food. I just blended into this multicultural community thinking that we are all the same: Canadian. My parents were a part of the Chinese Community in Prince Rupert and they worked very hard to give us a better life in Canada. 

My dad came to Canada trained and educated as a gas engineer, but worked at the pulp mill as a technician; remembering when he had to serve coffee to his boss and never having to make coffee before, nevertheless making it for anyone. He was underemployed and could not get past being the second in command. My mom worked at the cannery and pulp mill cafeteria, with shifts back to back. She never cooked when she was in Hong Kong and had to learn how. Later, she became a coffee shop owner, caterer, and worker at the delicatessen. My mom saved every dime and never asked for help. She was a strong and proud woman. 

Gawd. I remember food shopping with my mom as a child and she used to buy “X bread” (aka. day old bread) from a specific basket in the store to stretch the dollar. I never understood as a child why my mom insisted on X bread. Now I do. Even though my parents bought the house we grew up in with no mortgage, and had never carried a mortgage into their next house or for the condominium they bought for retirement, I hated buying X bread and was determined not do it. 

I graduated from Prince Rupert Senior Secondary, then went to the University of British Columbia and completed a Bachelor in Science degree majoring in Chemistry and Bachelor of Education degree specializing in secondary science, chemistry, and math. I would consider myself to be an average student. I got my first teaching job on the Sunshine Coast, where I taught for 16-years. In that time, I got married, had one kid, and completed my Master Degree in Curriculum and Instruction from Simon Fraser University. I never thought I would be a secondary math teacher, but what I have learned from teaching (and playing competitive curling as an adolescent), has guided and informed my next steps.

When I left teaching in K-12 public schools, I felt misaligned and disillusioned. I lost faith in the system and purpose in the profession. I was enrolled in an educational leadership doctoral program and wanted to create change. A year after leaving the practice, I became a school trustee while completing my dissertation. It is from this experience, I was able to write for the BC Ministry of Education, First Nations Education Steering Committee, and BC Open Schools. I also had the opportunity to understand the system from a different perspective which then helped me to complete my dissertation over 2-terms of trusteeship. 

The Sunshine Coast was my home for more than 25-years. Much like leaving the profession, I felt misaligned. I tried to maintain two homes, two lives, in two places while teaching and learning in Prince George. It was not meant to be. My marriage ended, I said goodbye to my home, and my kid graduated high school. She now lives with me in Northern BC in my one bedroom apartment. I sleep in the dining room (aka. A bedroom with no door or closet). I have never been happier. It’s like returning home. Although I am not near the ocean, I am in community and learning once again my identity and sense of place on this land. 

I am in a state of transformation as a person, educator, and academic. I enjoy my work, I love who I am meeting, and I am grateful to be with my kid and be her mom. I am committed to learning more about Indigenous Peoples in Canada, make space for voice and change, and walk beside Indigenous Peoples in Truth and Reconciliation to decolonize and indigenize my pedagogy and practice. I am learning what I am passionate about while supporting others to do the same in teacher education, leadership, and research. I feel lucky and I am grateful and humbled to live, learn, and teach on the ancestral territory of the Lheidli T’enneh. Mussi Cho.

In Progress of Defining

Week 79 – September 22, 2021 – What is my ethnic identity?

Yes. I am overdue on my weekly blog post… AGAIN. I’m not surprised. It was a tough week at work, meaning… busy and cognitively consuming… and I just needed to rest. With full intentions of writing soon after the weekend or at the end of the weekend, it’s now Wednesday. I have a moment to breathe and what I am learning is how to carve out time to what’s important even though there are many things that are pulling at me. I often get distracted by the immediacy of the now. It’s ok to park time to attend to items of priority. For example, my self care, teaching, and writing… I’ve parked and carved time for these items and email piles up. That’s ok. Also, I have learned that people are compassionate. For example, I screwed up on one timeline, I confessed, and in response, they were gracious and kind. For that, I am grateful.

I’m also pausing because I am continuing to wrestle with my ethnic identity in light of Truth and Reconciliation in Canada. I am listening to a BIPOC group that assembled at the university, but also I am working with my classes at two institutions about creating a Location Statement, inspired by Dr. Henry Harder at UNBC, to think about our biases, our identity as educators, and our understanding of the Professional Standard 9 (2019) for BC Educators. We are currently reading “Settler: Identity and Colonialism in 21st Century Canada” in a masters course in curriculum, assessment, and evaluation I am teaching. I have asked this group and teacher candidates from the teacher education program I teach in to write a location statement. The book, recent reports, the EDI movement, and reflecting on my own experiences are tampering with my ethnic identity, sense of place, and who I am as a person.

Of course, I had to make my version of a Hawaiian breakfast today. It’s not a loco moco, which two beef patties, brown gravy, and potato salad on the side, but it has eggs, rice, Spam, and soy sauce. I find some solace and comfort in this meal. I often go back to it when I feel disconnected or disoriented (for a better word or less). Somehow it grounds me. I guess there are parts of me that wishes I was in Hawaii instead and how Hawaiians are connected to culture through food people, and the land. For some reason, these flavours bring back memories of my mom, being home, and eating “traditional” food. I used quotations there because there was a clear difference what I ate at home as a kid and what was considered “Canadian food.”

I wrote My Location Statement in March 2021, with the same inspiration I bring to my classes this term. In this case, I was preparing for a presentation at a conference with a teacher candidate. I look back at this version of my location statement and parts of it still resonate with me, but parts of it don’t seem to matter anymore. I am planning to write a second version of my location statement. I was hoping to write something very different or maybe keep it the same. It turns out, it will be a bit of both. What’s important to me and why does it matter? Questions to consider when thinking about your location and identity. For me, my ethnic identity is playing with my mind, spirit, and soul. I just wrote a blurb for a book and I was brought to my mom and the role food played in my identity. I had no idea of the importance of my Chinese culture until my mom passed away and when I moved away from the Lower Mainland.

Damn you 50. You have not been kind to me. I have been up and down and all around… and here I am… wondering who I am. This is not a bad place to be. I am challenged by figuring out what’s important to me and why. And in doing so, I am learning more about myself, my values, and my cultural background. I might consider learning my language… Cantonese… at least learn how to read and write it. That seems like a good starting place. I was talking to a colleague the other day and they learn many languages autodidactically. Learning language might connect me to my culture and identity… then, I think about Indigenous People in Canada who are losing their language, thus culture and identity. A few thoughts for now. More to come.

Remembering 9/11

September 11, 2021 – 20 years later

Gosh. I was looking for photos of NYC and the twin towers or ground zero and I stumbled onto this photo. I was married on July 21, 2001. I graduated from my Masters Degree on October 2001. In between was 9/11. Watching the footage on TV tonight is jarring to say the least. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was living in Sechelt, BC. We were renting my friend’s house on Turnstone. I woke that day and was getting ready for work. My “husband” was still in bed and I was watching the morning news and getting ready. At that time, I was watching the news in disbelief. I was not even sure if I was watching the news. The images were unreal… almost fictional. I thought was was watching a movie or had the wrong channel. When I realized what was happening, the second plane flew into the second Twin Tower. I was shocked and in disbelief. Then, I had to go to work. I was teaching at the high school. How do you “teach” what’s happening? You don’t. You just be… and pause.

The video footage being shared on TV is extensive. It makes me feel sick. I’m brought back to that time. The devastation. The fear. The pain. People are trying to make sense of what they are watching or experiencing. Listening to the heart wrenching stories of family members and those who were at the foot of ground zero and survived reminds me of how many people are impacted by this one event and the ripple effect it’s taken with all those who witnessed and remember. The chaos. The trauma. The devastation. I can’t believe that it was 20-years ago. Our lives changed radically on 9/11… how we live… how we travel… and, how we can trust others. I am reminded of other recent horrors like George Floyd, unmarked graves of residential schools, and the COVID-19 pandemic. I am sickened and in my lifetime. My perceived problems are not problems. I am safe. I live a life of privilege. Even though my marriage ended, this tree I am sitting on in this photo no longer exists, and I moved away from my home after 25-years, I live a good life. I am lucky. I am grateful.

We will never forget.

It’s OK to Cry… Right?

Weeks 77 and 78 – September 10, 2021 – What’s my value?

I missed last week’s reflection because everything was parked so that I could get orientation for teacher candidates prepped. It’s not to say that what transpired today has inspired me to write this week’s pandemic reflection, but I definitely had the urge to cry several times today, but resisted. I am just so glad the week is over and orientation was a success. It was my primary goal to ensure that the first days of teacher education, whether if the teacher candidate was returning or if they were new to the program, that the lingering feelings were joy, happiness, and belonging.

SIGH. Although the feedback I am hearing from Teacher Candidates are excellent and I feel very satisfied with the work that I have done in collaboration and consultation with others in the department, I still get pulled aside to and “put in my place” again for the decisions I had made and the actions I took. I have no regrets. And, I had no ill intent. I’m not sure what is said behind my back and how that information is interpreted, but I was told today is follow the collective agreement of the other employee groups and in the end, my work was belittled to “why didn’t you… [  ]?”

I had no words… LIE… I had lots of words and stated clearly my purpose, my drive, and my rationale. All arrows pointed to the student learning experience. I am 100% willing to take ownership of the decisions I made, but there were plenty of variables that made the journey to orientation challenging, uncertain, and delayed. I could not control those factors. All I could do was problem solve, adapt, and be reflexive. Was it perfect? Hell no. When is it ever perfect? And, what the hell does that mean? No one says what that mean, but today I did… and truth, I could say a lot more. But why?

Just throw me under the bus and move on. GAH. My goal was to ensure Teacher Candidates were engaged in a coherent, comprehensive, and collaborative orientation before the school year starts. Everyone had the opportunity to contribute and participate. I’m exhausted. I supported new faculty, contacted people when we pivoted, checked in with facilitators, co-published an orientation guide, and revised a PowerPoint show that took hours. Over a month of planning with hopes of landing on both feet. Do you know what? Everything that I have done will not help me get tenure.

That’s the kick in the mouth. Everything that I am doing is for the students and the program are not recognized in academia to further my career. WOW. That is the true awakening. It’s taken me about a year to realize this. I lost a tenure-track opportunity because I am investing my time in the wrong place. I am constantly in service to others and I am passionate about the program and its potential. I am not taking care of myself and neither will the system. As much as I wanted as strong start for the Teacher Candidates, my actions in doing so have negatively impacted my career.

GAWD. This idea is counterintuitive. Is it ok to cry? Do I value my worth? Maybe.