I Needed This
Week 83 – Part 1 – October 13, 2021 – Reminded of my WHY
Wow. I will admit, I’ve been in a cognitive slump. I have no other words to describe how I’ve been feeling recently (during the pandemic), but I am wondering if I was experiencing an implementation dip (Fullan, 2008)… in my life. I’m undergoing a system change, metaphorically speaking and I was approaching a low moment today. It was almost like I was approaching the bottom of the dip. Tonight was a turning point and felt that I had to write about it. A couple of my students responded to a last minute email, carved out the time in their evening during a very busy time in their program, and presented their learning experiences to other students and faculty who are new to the program. THEY WERE AMAZING. I was so heartened with what they had to say. It was like watching the transformed perform. My fire was stoked again.
I was abruptly reminded of MY WHY. I was so proud of them, but I was more in awe to see who they have become with 7 more weeks of practicum to go. They are going to be phenomenal. Then, I thought about a couple of other students who were unable to make it tonight but were willing to share their work; and then, I thought of a couple other students who I’ve been emailing. My reflections continued from one student to another and MY WHY was so clear to me. Honestly, it never changed. This is what Simon Sinek would say. I would agree with him. I have caught myself sometimes thinking about my teaching and feeling like how I was… in the FLOW… when I taught secondary mathematics. I felt the same way teaching in teacher education or teaching courses in education. It feels great when you are in flow. I felt that again.
I’ve been so preoccupied by becoming someone who I am not. As a result, I start self-doubting myself, second guessing my actions, and worried about what others think. The truth is, I was becoming more misaligned to who I am and what I want to achieve. It’s so weird, because this is the same advice I gave a student recently. I need to listen to my own advice and focus on MY WHY again. Tonight was a beautiful reminder of MY WHY and I am grateful to my students everyday who remind me of what’s important. I felt this way when I taught secondary mathematics and feel this way again in teacher education. Listening and recognizing these familiar feelings and acknowledging what’s important to me and why are grounding and humbling. I often wonder what if… but find myself saying thank goodness that didn’t happen instead.
My gratitude extends to my students… always. I feel that I am on the upswing and inspired by my students. I learn so much from them about my practice, my identity, and my sense of self-efficacy. I love the connections I make with students, but I also have to remember to stay true to myself. The support, care, and respect we share are reciprocated. I don’t have to be like other teachers (or researchers). I’m not here to impress anyone but myself. This is authenticity and true belonging. It’s taken me a long time to learn this. I often wonder about life’s lessons and figuring out the connections between different events or experiences and the lessons I need to learn. Tonight, it was returning to MY WHY. My hope and faith are restored. My love for students and their learning experiences are immense and will always fuel my fire.
Thank you to my students. I know that sounded a little possessive and I apologize to those who may be offended by that term “my students.” You are students who I’ve taught in the past, present, and future. You make me a better person. I am always humbled and honoured to be a part of your learning journey, because I know you are an integral and instrumental part of my pedagogical journey. For that, I am grateful.