I am tired and very little is filling my cup lately. I feel like I’m running a marathon to get to the start line and I don’t feel like I’m going to start the race in time. As much as I feel that I am doing the work for the greater good, I will often get lost in that work and forget about me, my work, and what I need to do to get ahead. Sounds counterintuitive and selfish, but I am realizing that there is a level of self-preservation and self-care one has to do to maintain a pace of productivity and service, but I am also understanding that is the nature of my work. There is a part of me that resents it when others have drawn their line for this very reason and I have sacrificed my work to benefit the whole. Maybe this is my perception, but I cannot believe the work that I have chosen to do so that I can get to my work. I’m not there yet and I’m exhausted.
What I am doing is informal leadership. I am driven by the vision and mission of my work. “You only make a first impression once” and I am doing everything that I can do to ensure a strong start… but to what end? That was a beautiful phrase given to me by one of my friends and edu-colleague when I was writing my dissertation. The feelings are reminiscent. There are limitations I need to recognize but also delimitations I have to set to ensure what I am doing is within reason and achievable. I am also reminded of another time when I had “put myself in front of the bus” to activate and motivate certain decisions and actions when I taught in K-12. It didn’t feel good at the time, but the outcome benefited students. In the end, that’s all that mattered… but to what end? I burned out and left the practice. Here I am again… I started reading “The Listening Leader” to fill my cup. I’m loving the learning but the message is serendipitous. I am putting myself out there, “going for broke,” with hopes of something good in return.
Don’t get me wrong… there are a lot of good things happening. Each little step matters towards the big picture, but I have to remember a few things that I’ve discussed with my critical friend over the last few weeks. (1) I cannot control others; (2) how can I help; and (3) I will have voice. I also have to keep in mind My Manifesto. I know that leadership is not perfect, but I have to have the courage to listen. I reached a point of frustration, sadness, and discouragement that I had to have voice. I could not pretend that nothing was wrong. I was worried and losing sleep. Maybe it’s just me. It has to be at some level because I was the only one that said something. How can we give feedback to move the team forward? What do I need to listen to, to move myself forward? Admittedly, I stepped back. Self-preservation seems tempting. In the end, I just hope that I am able to make it to the start line and fulfil my manifesto.
Wow. You know when you are in the “new normal” when time is just flying by. I cannot believe that I missed my weekly blog entry last week and I cannot believe that it’s mid-August. Here is a photo from the archives. Seriously. This snapshot was taken from when I played competitive curling in high school. The title reads “Knocks Fryer Out.” Brilliant. I skipped this high school team from Prince Rupert and we won this provincial playdown and came runner up in another tournament. It was a great season to end my high school experience, but what I did not realize was how much I would learn from this sport that would extend beyond the sport itself.
“Learning takes patience and time.”
I love this First Peoples Principles of Learning, “Learning takes patience and time.” You are always learning and you don’t know when you are going to use that information and why. My attention in recent weeks brought me back to what I know and understand from curling. I need to imagine that I am skipping a team in a bonspiel with huge hopes of winning. I am reminded of the big idea of “Don’t look at the prize table.” What am I focused on? ” I’m led back to Alasdair McIntyre’s “goods internal to the practice” and Carol Dweck’s “growth mindset.” We can do this and I need to stay focused on the game. Shake off the missed shots. Utilize people’s strengths.
Don’t focus too much on the prize. That is the goods external. It’s a balance between the details and the big picture. Ultimately, we want to place well, learn from our mistakes, and work together as a team. We each have a role and we each have strengths to bring to the table. In this case, I have to take the lead even though I do not have a formal leadership role. This is my strength: leading. There are some pretty incredible projects we are working on and my team is making it happen. When I can look at my work like a curling game, I have faith that we will be at the prize table.
#pandemicreflection #leadership #teamwork
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, August 16th, 2020 | Comments Off on Don’t Look at the Prize Table
End of Week 20 – August 2, 2020 – A good cup of coffee
This blog post has NOTHING to do with coffee, but it’s more about the feeling you get when you have an excellent cup of coffee (especially first thing in the morning). When something happens to you at the right time… aka. in a timely manner… you have to write about it. It’s time for my weekly blog, but also I’m also practicing my WordPress skills. I’m teaching a course in the fall on reflective practice, inquiry, and e-Portfolio.
This blog post includes a few tweets from yesterday. I appreciate being tagged in a tweet, particularly by someone from my PLN (professional learning network). I was one of 10 educators identified by Tim Cavey @MisterCavey who have overcame adversity as educator in the field of education. Tim is also the creator and moderator of Teachers on Fire Podcast @TeachersOnFire and he has interviewed hundreds of educators. To be one of ten chosen for this blog post, it feels amazing to be seen.
The 10 #TeachersOnFire whose stories are featured in the article above:
I quote tweeted the blog post. How could I not? I was taken a back, truthfully. Being an educator is challenging to say the least. There is lots of politics, plenty of conflicting agendas, and many challenges with trust, equity, and good decision making. That said, there were many good people in the system and I appreciate those who created space for me to grow and learn. Over time, one outweighed the other.
Hat trick of AMAZINGNESS on Twitter. Thank you @MisterCavey for this blog entry with @TeachersOnFire. Honestly… thank you for noticing. A majorly messy journey but grateful for people like you who I’ve met along the way. I could not do it without people like you. https://t.co/woULLCmV6a
— Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband (@ChristineYH) August 2, 2020
I just happened to be scrolling through my Twitterfeed and saw a few of amazing and inspirational tweets and Tim’s tweet completed the hat trick. I read the blog post and took a moment to pause. Wow. First, he remembered my story. Second, he framed my story so beautifully. Finally, he could see my story and recognized from all of his interviews that this is more common than not. I replied back to Tim’s tweet and said…
I see a bit of my story embedded in the 9 other stories. I appreciate the theme of hope & resilience. Struggle is part of the experience. The goal is to overcome. Thank you for this inspirational blog. I hope others can see, “Anything is possible.” You just have to believe it.
It’s true. Each story was a little bit different, but I could identity with each story. I could empathize with each educator highlighted in Tim’s blog post and how they felt and what they experienced. I am not a victim, although it may have felt that way at the time. I will admit, teaching is not for the faint of heart. You need to really know your why and be driven by what’s important to you. I am focussed on student learning and well-being. My provocation: How can I improve the student learning experience?
I really appreciated the questions that @TLBREIT mentioned in the latest episode of her #AccidentalInspirationalist podcast:
1. What can I learn from this?
2. How does this serve me + others?
Both questions have the potential to COMPLETELY alter how we see the current moment.
— 🔥Teachers On Fire Podcast (@TeachersOnFire) August 2, 2020
Tim replies back to my response with a couple of other responses and shifting one’s mindset. I love these questions. (1) What can I learn from this? (2) How does this serve me and others? Although my departure has completely disrupted the trajectory of my career and it has not been an easy to transition from K-12 educator to university instructor and teacher educator, I look back at 10-years and believe that everything was meant to happen exactly the way it did. My reasons for leaving K-12 and all the events that happened before the event, during the event, and after the event were a gift. I only have gratitude. I had much to learn and I am learning. That’s the gift. TY.
I have to remember to be kind to self as I take the time for INFORMATION GATHERING. It’s a period of time that I take when I am trying to make sense of something. I’m in the middle of transformation. Change. Anyone taking the time to shift one’s practice, life, or mindset, you have to take a moment to reflect on why and what’s at stake. I made a decision and now I am digging in deep. For the last 10-years, I’ve been scanning, experimenting, and exploring. I felt at one time that I was in too deep and had to get out. I spent time digging myself out, redefining self, and rediscovering my love and passion for education to re-establish MY WHY.
It was a crazy pedagogical journey. I learned a tonne, finished my dissertation, and met so many wonderful people. My eyes were open to the possibilities. I had the privilege of looking at education from the ground, at the 50,000 feet point of view, and now I stand beside K-12 education as a teacher educator. Of all the things that could have been, I did not expect to be here. Moreover, I did not anticipate a pandemic and have the great fortune to reflect on what’s important to me and why. It’s been a struggle. I had troubles of letting go of what was and too scared to JUMP IN to see what was possible. I was uncertain and uncommitted. Now, I am jumping in.
It was time to dig in deep again. As a result, I wanted to start learning more about what I am passionate about and delving deep into Indigenous Mathematics, look at content knowledge acquisition, assessment, and leadership practices. What does it mean to be an academic? This is also part of my learning journey. I am very grateful to be back in the classroom and I love the flexibility and autonomy of my work. However, digging deep often leads to messy moments. That’s why I love this image above. Seeing the light through the trees. My friend will remind me to “be brave.”
#pandemicreflections #bebrave #jumpingin
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 27th, 2020 | Comments Off on Digging In Deep
End of Week 18 – July 19, 2020 – Pandemic Reflections
It’s a good feeling to know that you have landed the perfect dismount. Well… not perfect en route, but landed on both feet. The angst over the last two weeks brought me to the question, what’s important to me? I had look at self in a critical way and observe past behaviour to make a decision that I would feel content and satisfied with. I stayed loyal to my manifesto and things are falling into place. If anything, I am grateful to have friends who I can confide in and who will provide unconditional support. It’s been a 10-year journey of transformation and this chapter is ending.
Although I felt a bit heavy earlier today, I had a very joyful day yesterday. I took the day off and spent the day with my daughter. During that time, I read a short book on the joy of beading, enjoyed the sun, and received a small gift from a friend. It all seemed very serendipitous. To me, this was a signal that things were going in the right direction. As much as I am very pandemic compliant, I have enjoyed this time to reflect and identify what’s important to me. My 19th wedding anniversary is coming and we are not celebrating, my 50th birthday is on the horizon, and my baby is in Grade 12. I am starting all over again. This is the end of the third chapter of my life.
What’s important to me:
My kid.
My health.
My dog.
My family.
My friends.
My learning.
My service.
My teaching.
My quality of life.
My career.
What do I value:
Learning
Reflection
Lifting others
Connection
Community
Integrity
Honesty
Contribution
Safety
Security
What I do:
Math educator
Teacher educator
Researcher
Writer/Blogger
Curler
What interests me:
how people acquire knowledge
how people lead and systems
local Indigenous peoples and perspectives
small communities in Northern BC
math efficacy and math pedagogy
Everyone is on a journey. Mine is not “traumatizing” by any means, but it’s my pedagogical journey and the one that I struggle with. What I know and understand is that everything must be intentional, aligned to what you value, and it provokes your passion. My lesson is, you don’t do things for others… you do it for yourself… and in return, you serve others. Do the work and you will be seen. Do what you love and take risks. Connect yourself to the right people who will help you rise as you do the same for others. I feel so inspired and grateful for those who support me and recognize my work. Be present and enjoy the gifts that are around you. As one of my friends had said to me, “I am so glad you can see the brighter side of things.”
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 19th, 2020 | Comments Off on The Perfect Dismount
Huh. The morning after. I will admit, we are creatures of habit. This is truly unfortunate. I feel like… here I am again. What does it mean to negotiate and standing in your values? What’s important to me? How can I contribute to the whole as a team player? What I am learning is, it’s a fine balance between self-interest and the greater good. Some rules need to be broken. Sometimes you need to compromise. Sometimes it’s just not going to be what you’ve imagined or hoped for. This is what I have not considered in the first two scenarios where I have been here before.
I hate feeling like I am taken advantaged of or being screwed. I hate feeling like I have no power or voice. I hate comparing myself to others. I hate that when I feel like there is no transparency and I am not valued, I am like a bull in a china shop, I draw a clear line, and exit right. It’s almost heading to that scenario again. How can I make this outcome different? I can’t see the big picture, but that may be because I am trapped with what is and I cannot see what will be. I feel so angry and discouraged that all I can see is what’s in front of me. I wished that there could be more transparency but we are all human. I’d like to believe that we are trying to do the best we can.
Can we do better? As I begin to reflect, I wonder how I can do better. What can I do differently? My instincts are speaking to me right now and I’m holding myself back (for a moment) to think about engaging in the alternative. I think back at my first two scenarios and I was given an alternative route. Both times I rejected them because I was so determined by my bottom line. Is this how I make things different? Am I able to change my trajectory by changing my mindset? Of course Carol Dweck would endorse the #growthmindset mantra. I have a skill set and I have a vision.
What would work best for me and the greater good? I take a deep breath and I know what I need to do to make things better. I can make this a hat trick and just do what I have done before. I’m thinking not. It’s time to compromise, negotiate, and find a middle ground that works. Is it perfect? Nothing is perfect. Will it work? I hope so.
META-MOMENT: I love the power of reflection. Whether if you blog or journal privately, there is something magical about the writing process and blogging that helps me to figure out what’s important to me, to celebrate, and to share. TY.
Oh my goodness… first of all, this is the second stock photo in a row that I’ve used as part of my blog reflections. And secondly, this looks like a photo taken in the fall and well… the weather that we’ve been having on the coast has been very fall like. So, this photo is pretty accurate in terms of how I am feeling and what I will be writing about.
Very much like deja vu… I have been here before. UGH. It’s not a good feeling. I feel like god is testing me. I’ve been here twice before. If I really think about it, I’ve probably been here many times before but I can recall two situations much like what I am experiencing now. It’s not a good feeling and there is something here I have to learn.
Sigh… I don’t want to be in this situation but I feel like I have to step up, stand up for myself, and have voice. In the two times before, I just want to look out, ask anybody on what to do, and just create an ultimatum. All I can here is the song that says, “should I stay or should I go now.” In the end, I think the decision has to be mine.
This time I want to handle the situation differently. In past, I was really frustrated and disappointed about the situation. I had no hope and felt like if things did not go my way, I had to step away. But if I was truthful, I did not have my voice either that stated my point of view, hopes, and dreams. I did not stand up for what was important to me. I always took the approach that things were happening to me. It felt powerless.
I guess that’s how I got my power back… by walking away. The machine just carries on and I walk away still feeling frustrated and disappointed… but also angry too. Who does that serve? I’m blogging to make sense of this behaviour and taking a moment to reflect and unpack my thinking, the situation, and what I want to do about it.
Right now, I hold the cards. I don’t want to live inauthentically. I want to be a team player and be accommodating, but to what end? I know that my end point is the moment where I would be losing myself, my integrity, and my identity. Why am I back here again? Gah… it’s because I haven’t learned what I am suppose to learn.
I hate being here. Some would say it’s about “being selfish” while others said it’s about “standing in your values and beliefs.” I keep looking out with hopes of finding the answer but what I am learning is, the answer comes from within. This is the painful part. What do I value? What do I believe in? What do I want? And, why?
I think this is the struggle. THIS is why I am back here. What is important to me and why? Am I willing to stand up? Am I willing to accept the feedback and the potential backlash that comes as a consequence of my actions? It’s so easy to stand up for others and big picture principles, but can I do it for myself? I guess I’ll soon find out.
#pandemicreflections #icandothis #lookwithin
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 11th, 2020 | Comments Off on Been Here Before
I’ve been working on this for a few days… my manifesto. Was it coincidental or full intention? Things seemed to come together today. From conversations to emails, I managed to create my manifesto. As mentioned in my last blog entry, my friend and I decided to make a manifesto for the upcoming year. I realized that I needed a new vision. I needed something to work towards that is driven by my why. I reflected on what was important to me. My mission and purpose have not changed. I’ve been here before. Where I am going has changed. It was a serendipitous day with ups and downs but I am happy with what I have developed. I hope this resonates with you.
I love…
teaching and learning
people
connectedness
I believe…
that anything is possible
in relationships
in trust and respect
I value…
competence
community
collaboration
I am committed to….
enhancing student learning experiences
asking questions and taking risks to lift people
keep learning (aka. educational research)
My focus is on learning… for self and others. I will do whatever it takes to develop a sense of belonging, place of learning, and collective efficacy where we can aspire, imagine, and achieve our fullest potential with joy, kindness, and compassion.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, July 08th, 2020 | Comments Off on My Manifesto
Wow. Four months living the “new normal” of #socialdistancing and we are heading into Week 17. I can see how one would start losing count. I have also started my second personal pandemic challenge… #trackingmyfood. My first challenge to self was #daily5kchallenge and I am managing to keep that up, so now it’s time to start another one. It’s half-way through my non-teaching term at the university and I have been enjoying my time on the Sunshine Coast to be with my kid and be in my house.
As we move from Phase 1 to 2 and Phase 2 to three, I love connecting with a few friends to go on walks, I love taking my dog out for walks, and I love driving through Starbucks to get a refreshing drink. I am spending more money right now and I feel like I am almost back to “regular life” with exception to high-five’ing, hugging, and eating in restaurants. I do miss those latter activities. I like being with people. I love teaching face-to-face. I guess I won’t be doing that this fall. Classes will be online.
I am having a meta-moment… I am so fascinated by the idea of how I get inspired to write and create. I started writing this blog entry a few days ago and I am ignoring a good chunk of what I wrote to write THIS. Hmm… I definitely have to be in the right frame of mind to blog on my reflections. I found out my job assignment last week and I’ve been delving right into some online asynchronous courses and books to LEARN and start preparing for my courses. I am super stoked with what I will be teaching.
Although, I spent the last two months I spent mulling over research and figuring out what’s important to me and why, I am so grateful to have this time to reflect and CREATE A MANIFESTO so that I can jump into the next chapter of my life. I had a vision that I had for quite some time… and well, I realized that vision a couple of years ago. So what’s next for me? I realized that’s what’s been missing and it’s time to create a new vision. I’ve been grappling with what I love, what I believe in, and what I will commit to. I am happy that I am back teaching and visualizing what’s next for me.
I’ve been learning about design thinking, e-portfolios, and inquiry. I have much more I would like to read, but that’s a skill that I am continuing to develop. I need to connect my next actions on my why and I love what I have learned so far… be a maker or creator… and share your stuff. Make sure that your audience is authentic and that whatever you research, it has to be something that you care deeply about. This all may seem obvious so some, but for me, my next steps are about developing my self-efficacy, creating a new sense of self, and remaining intrinsically motivated.
My friend and I have committed to writing a MANIFESTO for the upcoming year. We chat a lot about selves, education, and what’s next. Our conversations often entails a lot of sense-making opportunities, micro-venting, and active listening. It’s super nice to have someone in my professional and personal world who is a critical friend. I will take the approach that entails design thinking and inquiry for this manifesto. I cannot wait for what I will imagine and what will manifest. It’s time for the next chapter.
Oh my gosh… we are at the end of another month and we are heading toward Phase 3 in BC. My kid and I went back to Prince George for a few days last week to say hello to friends, be situated in place during virtual convocation at UNBC, and checking in on my place to see how things are going. Of course, it was also an opportunity to be with my kid over a period of time, for my kid to drive on the highway, and for my kid to check out where I live and work. I had a wonderful trip. From Tuesday to Saturday, it was a mom and kid immersion. I loved it. It was a great way to spend quality time with her.
Now we are back on the Sunshine Coast. We bookended our time and she wanted to be back by Sunday. Life did not stop when I headed back to Prince George. I continued to work and learn… virtually, of course. We spent some time checking out Prince George and shopping. My kid had “the best” shopping experience at Walmart. She got the PS4 and panini press she wanted for quite some time. She also got a pink electric toothbrush and some socks. For me, I jumped in and got a 3-quart Instapot for my apartment and some socks too. It was fun integrating work with play and parenthood. I attended a few virtual meetings in addition to some webinars. I watched one last week from BC Campus.
The session is one in a series of Indigenous speakers. I love serendipity because I really felt that I was meant to watch and listen to this webinar. I watched one the week before about a beader who beads as a form of healing and self-understanding. Her story was beautiful and I loved how she was finding her way back to her ancestors. Her earrings were gorgeous and I appreciated how each creation was an original because she would bead with passion and purpose. She beaded from a place of inspiration and storytelling. She always wanted to bead from a good place. Last week’s webinar was about Indigenous spirituality and mental health. This speaker spoke about his story and connecting with an elder in his community, learning more about smudging, and being authentic to self. I loved his story of transformation and his determination to return back to school.
What resonated with me in his talk was the idea that “time does not wait.” Him saying that about himself and his journey tapped my shoulder. He wanted to learn more about his heritage and culture from this elder. Smudging played an important role for him personally and spiritually as he wrestled with his mental health. He was such a happy guy on the webinar. It was proof that what he was doing was aligned to his purpose and being. He wanted to “acquire knowledge” and was driven to learn more. That resonated with me as well. You have to find what you are passionate about and understand why it’s important to you. When you do, then you will be inherently motivated to learn more and delve deep. His alignment to his purpose was so clear… and time will not wait.
There was a commitment to ACTION. I liked that. He was so determined with his mission and vision that nothing would get in his way. I loved that he wanted to learn more from the elder and how smudging impacted his life. It’s these critical moments when one is woke to do something different or take a new trajectory because it’s the right thing to do. It does not have to be something that everyone else is doing. It seems like he was listening to his heart and following the beat to his own drum. I love that conviction. He demonstrated his agency and embraced it. “Time stops for no one.” This is so true. Yet, I feel that I have been burning time as I wait or hope for this woke-moment. I guess I could say that watching this webinar was a moment. It served as a time for reflection.
The pandemic experience had lent itself to major reflection, personally and professionally. Much like blogging, I have to come to a place of inspiration so that I can share my thinking and my story. In some ways, blogging helps me to sort out my thoughts and make them visible. In other ways, I hope that others will ready my blog and share similar experiences to realize that they are not alone in their journey. Blogging is one way that supports my mental health and I am grateful to have this platform to share some of my thoughts and experiences to shed some light but also document my pedagogical journey. I also do this on Twitter and other social media feeds. Expressing myself digitally brings me some solace as an extrovert leading an introverted life as a scholar wannabe.
I am building the plane in the air. My kid has also taught me some lessons during our trip to Prince George. I realized that passion comes from a place of purpose and sometimes your best work comes from that drive. Being provoked is not a bad outcome. In fact, it wakes you up and tampers with what you truly believe in. The fire is stoked and you are tested on what’s important to you and why. If you can’t answer these right away, it’s time to self-assess and reflect once again to get that clarity and make a new plan… a new strategy… to get where you need to be. That’s what I learn from the BC Campus speakers and my kid. I am being sent these messages for a reason. It’s happening. What’s important to me and why? My fire is being stoked and good things are about to happen.
#pandemicreflections #findingmyway #alignment
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, June 29th, 2020 | Comments Off on Time Does Not Wait
