Been Here Before

End of Week 17 – #COVID19BC – July 11, 2020

Oh my goodness… first of all, this is the second stock photo in a row that I’ve used as part of my blog reflections. And secondly, this looks like a photo taken in the fall and well… the weather that we’ve been having on the coast has been very fall like. So, this photo is pretty accurate in terms of how I am feeling and what I will be writing about.

Very much like deja vu… I have been here before. UGH. It’s not a good feeling. I feel like god is testing me. I’ve been here twice before. If I really think about it, I’ve probably been here many times before but I can recall two situations much like what I am experiencing now. It’s not a good feeling and there is something here I have to learn.

Sigh… I don’t want to be in this situation but I feel like I have to step up, stand up for myself, and have voice. In the two times before, I just want to look out, ask anybody on what to do, and just create an ultimatum. All I can here is the song that says, “should I stay or should I go now.” In the end, I think the decision has to be mine.

This time I want to handle the situation differently. In past, I was really frustrated and disappointed about the situation. I had no hope and felt like if things did not go my way, I had to step away. But if I was truthful, I did not have my voice either that stated my point of view, hopes, and dreams. I did not stand up for what was important to me. I always took the approach that things were happening to me. It felt powerless.

I guess that’s how I got my power back… by walking away. The machine just carries on and I walk away still feeling frustrated and disappointed… but also angry too. Who does that serve? I’m blogging to make sense of this behaviour and taking a moment to reflect and unpack my thinking, the situation, and what I want to do about it.

Right now, I hold the cards. I don’t want to live inauthentically. I want to be a team player and be accommodating, but to what end? I know that my end point is the moment where I would be losing myself, my integrity, and my identity. Why am I back here again? Gah… it’s because I haven’t learned what I am suppose to learn.

I hate being here. Some would say it’s about “being selfish” while others said it’s about “standing in your values and beliefs.” I keep looking out with hopes of finding the answer but what I am learning is, the answer comes from within. This is the painful part. What do I value? What do I believe in? What do I want? And, why?

I think this is the struggle. THIS is why I am back here. What is important to me and why? Am I willing to stand up? Am I willing to accept the feedback and the potential backlash that comes as a consequence of my actions? It’s so easy to stand up for others and big picture principles, but can I do it for myself? I guess I’ll soon find out.

#pandemicreflections #icandothis #lookwithin

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