Week 47 – February 6, 2021 – Everyday is a learning day
Slowly but surely I am getting a better sense of who I am and what I can contribute. I am also learning how to value self and create boundaries that honour self and my work. I realize that at some level “I am the bad guy” because I have to “bad news” to problem solve. I know that I am a person of action, which at times being still would be more appropriate. I can see my value and that people can see my work too.
I am loving taking Saturdays off… guilt free. Even writing this blog entry is challenging because I’m on my computer. I need the rest. Napping was a thing for me today. I loved starting my day with book club, then a walk with my friend at the duck pond. I love the chillax pace of today. Although I have a tonne of things to do, as always, I worked hard this week to ensure that it would end with a natural break.
I’m not going to be shy about the shoes I stand in. Yes, they are Crocs. Another big week to come, but I will start working on my next steps that are best for me and the work I need to delve into. This is not going to be easy work, but I do need to be easy on self so that I can feel good about what I need to do. When I think about it, life is moving forwards as it should. I have nothing to complain about. Life is good.
#pandemicreflections #goingtobed #sleepisgood
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, February 06th, 2021 | Comments Off on Understanding My Value
Week 46 – February 1, 2021 – What is this all about?
It’s been an interesting week. I have been prolonging this blog post for different reasons. First, I needed some mental space to step back and reflect. Second, I serendipitously engaged in different situations this week where my cultural identity is coming into my consciousness. Third, I need the time to blog and Monday seemed like the best day. Teacher candidates are officially in practicum today and I was working on the weekend to ensure they were all ready. Ok. I’m ready to write.
I was looking at old photos to add to this blog. My older siblings often share these photos with me on my birthday. They were easy to find. I chose these two photos for two reasons: (1) my mom looks great; (2) it looks like we are living our best Canadian life. I don’t even know what that means. Don’t get me wrong. My mom and dad immigrated into Canada with my sister, who was two, to start a better life in Canada. They moved to Prince Rupert, BC because my dad could find a job. They bought this house on 8th Avenue East. And, they did the best they could to give us a good life.
Now that I’m 50 and in a time where Truth and Reconciliation and Call to Action are at the forefront of my work in addition to the craziness on social and cultural unrest with Black Live Matter and the shared existence of BIPOC people, I awakened to my own identity and tempered with the question of “Who am I?” I am currently reading “The Skin We’re In” and attended a presentation by Shelley Moore about identity and who defines one’s identity. Although I am learning more about Indigenous ways of knowing in context to mathematics education, I’m learning more about my identity.
I’ve been having a few woke moments about my cultural identity. On one level, I realized that I am a product of colonialism and assimilation. I don’t have my language. I don’t know my culture. I’ve been to Hong Kong once, but I don’t even know where I am from except that I was born and raised in Prince Rupert, BC, graduated from Prince Rupert Secondary, and lived on Prince Rupert Blvd. I had a very good life, one that my parents made for me, and I can see my privilege. However, I am struggling now with my identity as a settler, Chinese-Canadian as I learn more about local Indigenous peoples and wrestling with the idea of decolonizing my pedagogies.
This is where I am today. I am still learning. I am a person of action and hope to unravel further about my heritage, my cultural identity, and how I can do better in what I do in light of the TRC and Calls to Action as an educator and citizen of Canada.
I have reached a pivotal moment. Could it be that I’ve finished teaching my last classes for the term? Could it be that I know I am a work in progress? Or could it be… I think it’s me? I’m not sure what to make of the series of events that have happened this week, but they are woke moments. I’m not going to talk about specifics, but each day has offered me a piece of information that I have to listen to. If I don’t take the opportunity to reflect and think about what’s important to me, then it will be my own fault for not listening. I need to listen carefully. Now what?
It’s been a challenging year to say the least and COVID-19 did not make the situation any better. I was building momentum with my “research career” but everything was put on hold. I recall making a deliberate decision to focus on student learning. It’s more than just focusing what’s happening in my classes, but it’s also about the program and its successful implementation. For a better word or less, things were not clear or transparent. I spent a lot of time trying to figure things out, share what I do know, and continue to find things out. When things are not accessible and visible, much of my time is spent figuring things out (for students).
Much of my inquiry is to ask questions for students. Advocate for them, but also for faculty. Communication could be better, but I will always lead, question, and ask questions. That’s how I operate. I am finding that this way of being is not serving me. On Monday, I saw that and it’s been going down hill since then. They are subtle differences in behaviour and I’m not sure what’s going on. I ask, but now I’m thinking it rubs people wrong, but it also rubs me wrong. Yes, I had some great moments this week. I don’t want to overlook that, but when things can be better, I am not going to hesitate to have voice and question, but right now is it welcomed?
I know what I have to do in the immediate, which is WRITE. I have to publish and get some research done. I don’t know how I would do that when every moment of my time is spent on student learning and quality of. the learning experience. With all that I do, it’s not what’s valued. That’s a woke moment. I can do a lot of work and try to share or collaborate, but I cannot be a one person show and it has nothing to do with me. Yet I feel that I should be focused on me so that I could get ahead?!? Sadly, that does not resonate with me. I can’t do it, even though I wished I could. I guess that’s one of my shortfalls. Instead, I opted for service and student learning.
The more that I listen, the more that I notice. And, what I am noticing… I am thinking action is required soon. I have definitely been here before and I think it’s time. Three times is a charm. I just have to make sure that I do things right so that what I do is aligned to what’s important to me, that I move forward mindfully and thoughtfully, and I am focused on what can help me in next steps without taking anything personally. Nothing is personal but whatever I am feeling, it’s isolating. I’m not liking it and I have to listen. Also, is my new #oneword2021 WRITE? Whatever. I just have to do what feels right to me. I need to trust my instincts and intuition.
Well… 19 days into the new year and I am changing my #OneWord2021. Do not judge but one needs to pivot in these times to be responsive to what is and be open to what will be. I am excited and relieved at the same time. As a friend would say to me, when a door closes, a window opens. That’s the truth. I can feel it and I believe it.
If I really listened to myself and listened to what was really important to me, the door closed on my for a reason. This is not the right path. Change directions. Pivot. Find the joy you deserve and desire. What’s really important to you? I’m faced with this question again. And I wonder, it’s time to be wholehearted and vulnerable. I need to let go of what is and make room for what’s possible.
I can’t wait. I know what’s important to me. I need to get my ego out of the way and do it. I love how my friend can describe my career and passion in three words: math, assessment, and leadership. This is so true. These three words resonate with me. I have deep feelings and attachments to these words. I’ve lost touch with them and would like to reunite soon someday. My work right now is to take action to do so.
My NEW #OneWord2021 is FREEDOM.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 19th, 2021 | Comments Off on A New One Word 2021
Week 44 – January 17, 2021 – Feeling Connected to Land
One of the craziest effects of the pandemic is feeling like you’re in a time warp. I’m losing track of time and cannot believe that it’s already mid-January. Where is the time going and why can’t I catch up? I am so grateful that I am taking the time to connect to land and to self. One of the things that really threw me off last term was working everyday and around the clock. Even though I did that, I never got to research and I spent so my time getting the job done. I am so done fighting and resisting. It does not serve me. I am still figuring out my place and honestly, I cannot work inauthentically and misaligned to myself and my values.
On the one hand it’s like “letting go” of what is, but on the on other hand it’s about believing in myself. In my mind, I feel that everyone is positioning themselves, vying for the same things, and pretending that everything is awesome. There are parts that are definitely very good, but there are other parts that need a lot of work. What I am understanding is, a lot of that stuff is beyond my scope and capacity in the role I’m in. All that I can do is inform and let the decision making happen with those who make decisions. I got to know and understand my impact and it seems that what I can do is to inform and influence. This is what I am committing to in 2021.
In the meantime, I need to focus on carving out time for myself to make myself and self-care a priority. Walking with friends in the forest or along the waterfront is a good start. 2021 is about sustainability, mindfulness, and doing what I love.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, January 17th, 2021 | Comments Off on In a Time Warp
Gah. It happens so fast. Admittedly, I would have used another week of winter break but the School of Education started the new year as scheduled with other professional programs while the rest of the university delayed their start for the Winter 2021 term. As a compromise or an opportunity to make lemonade from lemons, I started the work-week asynchronously. That will be the nature of this term. I am teaching the final practicum course and Block 2 of the interwoven inquiry/e-portfolio course. I look forward to a different momentum of this teaching term, but also I look forward to finding ways to restructure my time and work so that I can FILL MY CUP with what’s important to me. As you can see, I’m off to a MEH start.
My #oneword2021 is READ. I have to carve out time to READ. Reading is not an area of strength, but it’s a skill I would like to develop. You are never too late to learn. I started blogging so that I can develop my writing skills. I think that blogging is going very well and it did take some time to develop my voice and momentum to write and reflect. I have learned to love the writing process as a means to reflect. I love the unexpectedness of blogging and where it often leads me in my thinking. It’s time to move onto READing. It’s not just about reading, per se, but reading is intentional, you are still, and it’s for me. What I have learned from the last term is, I cannot take care of others if I cannot take care of me. You have to take care of self to be SELFLESS.
Reading is an act of self-care. I need to do more of that. I need to sleep, go for walks, and prioritize what’s important to me. In one of my doodle reflections, I realized that what’s important to me is (1) my kid; (2) my students; and (3) my research. You’ve got to name it to claim it. And truth, I can do a lot better at focusing on what’s important to me. I will do better this term. I almost lost myself last term. I didn’t take a break during the spring/summer term and I was so invested in having the fall term that I almost burned out. I can only what I can do and I need to let go of the outcome.
So, I started the new year READing a manuscript that I had in hand for a couple of months. I do not perceive myself to be a “reader” and not a reader of fiction. And so I did… and loved it. I could not put “the book” (aka. my computer) down. I was so engaged with the storyline and I finished the book from beginning to end within 24-hours. I don’t I have ever done something like that in my life. I was pretty happy with the book, but also pretty happy with myself. Who knew what 50 could bring? Put your intentions to what you feel is most important and who knows what you can accomplish? I miss the characters already and I secretly want her to write a sequel.
Well… I’m hooked… on reading. I have a tonne of books to read and I have just downloaded the next one. “From the Ashes” by Jesse Thistle. Shelley Moore hosts a reading club with her wife and looks like a good read. From what I am gathering from Twitter, it seems like it will be a great read. A non-fiction novel. I’m ready for this. In fact, as soon as I finish this blog post, I am going to bed with my iPad to READ.
What a year. I have no words… but, goodbye and thank you. I have to admit, this has been an incredible year for lots of reasons. First, let’s not forget about COVID-19 and the pandemic. Because of this, I was able to answer a question that I had waning in the back of my mind, “how can I be with my kid and work full time at the university?” The pandemic and remote learning from the university was a viable solution. I still maintain living in two places, Prince George and the Sunshine Coast, but this year was consumed by work, #pandemicrelflections, and time figuring out what’s really important to me. I think that I’ve been asking myself this question for years, but with 2020 pandemic and turning 50 this year… there is no better time to reflect.
The year started being knee deep in snow, I got to observe and support some teacher candidates during long practicum, and participated in my first podcast with Teachers on Fire. The year took a sudden turn mid-March with the announcement of the global pandemic. At the time, I had huge family plans with my brother, sister, and dad. They were planning to come up to Prince George from the Lower Mainland to watch the World Women’s Curling Championship. They booked plane tickets and I bought tickets to the entire tournament. I was stoked. Then, my kid was going flying up to Prince George during spring break. Nope. It was not meant to happen. All plans wer cancelled as well as the continuation of practicum and other opportunities like going to the CAfLN conference in Alberta and presenting at the inaugural conference of OTESSA at the CSSE in Ontario. EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN. Hello pandemic!!!
A quick pivot to remote/online learning and finishing my first full cohort of teacher candidates from beginning to end, we ended the winter term remotely. Along with my year 1 students, what an amazing crew!!! I could not be more proud as we moved forward together… remotely and asynchronously. During the start of the pandemic, I was living alone in Prince George watching the news religiously. Of course I ended the numeracy course with a pandemic them for the final assignment. The stats were telling a story… and they continue to do so. I started the #daily5kchallenge after the term ended to get outside but also for some mental health. Two months living alone in my apartment, I made the great escape and left Prince George on Mother’s Day.
I wanted to be with my kid and she was living on the Sunshine Coast. We had very little time together this school year due to the strike at the university in the fall and now COVID-19. I got my winter tires changed and off I went. I left all of my toilet paper, canned foods, and lifetime supply of Mr. Noodles and headed off to the coast to see out the pandemic and spend time with my kid. Weird. My husband and I had separated, but we continue to co-own the house and co-parent. In the end, I just wanted to be with my kid. Who knew that I would still be here on the Sunshine Coast on December 31, 2020? Not me. I anticipated returning back to the fall to teach full-time, but instead we implemented the RENEWED B.ED. PROGRAM remotely online.
Admittedly, I worked hard this spring, summer, and fall terms and didn’t take a break. I plowed through working remotely from my home on the Sunshine Coast on my living room floor. There were some pretty amazing things that happened, but there were also many struggles. I pivoted so often that it felt like a circle. Anyway, I am learning and so grateful that the fall term ended successfully. We welcomed a new cohort of teacher candidates and figured out how to conclude the 2-year program. Lots of changes happening in the program and university. I have met some amazing people and engaged in some amazing projects. No regrets. I just needed a break.
This has become a long blog post but hoping for a shift in 2021. I am so glad that I took a week off from work to GROUND myself, rest, and gain perspective. It was a low key Christmas and equally underwhelming New Year’s Eve. Not sad about this given that COVID-19 continue to persist regardless of the vaccine. This extrovert is mastering the life on an introvert. I’ve been resisting this lifestyle ever since leaving teaching in K-12 10-years ago and working on my dissertation. The pandemic has taken this lifestyle to a new level of understanding. I get it… LAY LOW. I need take deliberate actions with clear intentions. I’ve been living unconsciously and almost burned out. I have to STOP and be kind to self so that I can take care of others.
I am brought to my #oneword2021. I need to be intentional, still, and learning. If I am to address my fear, I need to name it first. I am not the best reader and I used blogging to get better at writing. It’s time to practice reading. Sounds like a crazy thing to say from someone who wrote a dissertation and in the field of education. One of the things I have to model as an educator and learner is vulnerability. Reading is something I’ve wrestled with as a child. I have clear memories of this demon as a young child who watched her older siblings read, a Grade 2 student who hated reading aloud, and as an adult who never thought would get into university, undergraduate and graduate programs. I can see what’s important to me and what serves as possible limitations. My choice right now is what am I going to do about it, what consequences am I willing to accept, and what do I really want for myself.
My #oneword2021 is READ. #HappyNewYear2021 #joy 🙂
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 31st, 2020 | Comments Off on Feeling Grounded
Well… I had really thought I would be working until December 23, 2020… and I could have. Admittedly, I was a bit jealous of K-12 ending their schooling on December 18th. Me, on the other hand, was receiving a pile of work on that day and had to meet a deadline for Monday, December 21st with a meeting and all. ARGH. This work output is unreal and I can’t even get to the work I need to do. Anyway, a couple late nights and an all nighter, I managed to get my work done on-time. Monday was filled with the joy of submitting my final marks, fielding a flurry of emails, and attending a couple of meetings. I almost felt like I was in first year university, but back then I often wondered if I could sleep standing during my 8:30am labs. Anyway, I digress.
I do want to mention that Monday was filled with joy. The communications departed contacted me to let me know that some of the School of Education web pages are LIVE and updated. BEST GIFT EVER. Love working with people at the university. I am so focused on advertising for the next fall and I am so happy that the primary pages are complete and we have a few more to go. I’m already thinking of next steps and how to get candidates, current students, and alumni to help out with next steps. It’s so important to emphasize student voice. Today, December 24th, I did start a Facebook page and YES… the candidates are on board to help. I am so grateful for who they are and their willingness and enthusiasm to make things happen. Blessed.
On December 22nd, I started the day with the same vigour and verve, but after my edu-walk at lunch I realized that my work had to stop and I needed a break. I spent the afternoon sending goodbye emails and see you in the new year. I have a LIST OF THINGS to do for the new year, but I want to spend part of the break doing people things and re-prioritizing what’s important to me and living that way. I can’t do a term like this again. Anyway, December 23rd was spent DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO. I got my favourite pizza at THE BAKERY, bought live CRAB at the fish market, and walked along the waterfront listening to the ocean. I bumped into a few friends and chatted with them for a bit during my 4-hour meandering time in downtown Sechelt.
I took the time to FILL MY CUP. Self-care is so important. I love connecting to place. Be kind to yourself. Fill your cup. Know what’s important to you and live your best life.
Here we are at Week 40 of the pandemic and this is about the same time it takes to have a baby. Yikes. I’m not having a baby, but a few of my friends are pregnant and having babies. This is one of the blessings of the crazy pandemic experience. Today is also the last day of school for K-12 schools, even though some had to close a bit early due to low staffing levels due to COVID-19. And, I just learned that one of my colleagues in K-12 schools was called today via contact tracing that she was in direct contact with someone with COVID-19 and she’s expecting. Honestly, I am very thankful that it is winter break for K-12 and teacher candidates have completed practicum (even though I am aware that at least one of the teacher candidates from our program was called this week). That said, the first vaccines for COVID-19 were first delivered this week in BC yet the numbers for COVID-19 in BC are going up.
I am super busy and my brain is super tired. I am still working. Friday is not the last day of work for me. Although my classes ended on December 4th and final assignments due December 11th, I am swamped with marking, report writing, and just getting the term complete. Oh ya, what about planning for next term and look ahead on the program. Sigh. It’s relentless sometimes and I am just about to give up. For the last week, I was basically brought to my knees and had to reflect on what’s important, what do I value, and where to next. I’ve been here before. There is a reason why I completed a degree in leadership. It’s not that I perceive myself as a leader, but I compelled to figure out what is leadership and what does it mean to be a leader. There is a difference between manager and leader. There is also a difference between micro manager and visionary. I still wonder about, what is leadership?
When you google LEADERSHIP, definitions vary from (1) the action of leading a group of people or an organization; to (2) the act or instance of leading; (3) the office or position of a leader; (4) the capacity to lead; to (5) the set of characteristics that make a good leader. What makes me curious about all of these definitions is, these definitions are all focused on “the leader.” What about what “the follower.” One of the biggest ideas that I have taken from my formal studies is the measure of a good leader is the number of leaders they leave behind. Another concept I took away about “good leadership” is always looking for people and grooming those to be better leaders than you. I love that idea. I feel that way about teacher education. After this week though, I think that LEADERSHIP IS A FEELING. How does the leader make the follower feel?
I’ve been thinking about LEARNING and FEELINGS. When I am teaching, how do I want my students to feel? This is a big idea that I have been wrestling with as a teacher practitioner. Cannot reprimand students for not understanding or learning, but also you cannot punish students or manipulate them to do what you want them to do. It does not leave the learner with good feelings. Moreover, they are left with the WRONG LEARNING. So how do you woo the learner to be engaged and see THE WHY embedded in what they are learning that extends beyond the letter grade, final exam, or major paper? Then, I am led to think more about efficacy, agency, and intrinsic motivation. Teachers are leaders. With this thinking, how does this translate to leadership in an organization? How do these leaders make people feel? If the feeling left behind is not good, are they actually leading? If not, then what are they doing?
I am left with more questions than answers but I will continue to ponder this idea of leadership. What does it mean to lead and how do you want people to feel?
#pandemicreflections #leadership #experiential
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 18th, 2020 | Comments Off on Leadership is a Feeling
What a week of life’s learning. Unbelievable. I had to really think about what was triggering me, why it was triggering me, and find a way out of a situation where I could maintain/restore my integrity and identity. It was a challenging week to say the least. I felt betrayed, sabotaged, and put in my place. Not a good feeling.
I feel grateful for those who care for me. I had a lot to figure out. I’ve been here before. More than once. I did not want history to repeat itself again. I had to listen. Give myself some grace and some time. Not typical for me but it really helped. I was able to see through this terrible experience, learn from it, and take a different route.
With some deep reflection, doodling, and some tough questions… I landed again to what’s important to me… my kid, my research, and my students. Sadly, much of my time was not directly focused on these three priorities. No wonder I was reacting. I was misaligned and disconnected.
That was a big aha for me. I need to reprioritize, be intentional, and carve out the time to tend to what’s important to me and accept the consequences in doing so. Right now, it’s been out of focus and what bothered me so much earlier this week brought me back to alignment and reconnecting back to MY WHY.
Today was such a better day for me. I had some really good conversations today. Although there was some “bad news” today, it didn’t seem to phase me when I was more clear about my passion and purpose. It’s even more better when they are verified and validated by someone else. I needed that mentorship and vision to stoke my fire again. Admittedly, I was losing hope.
That’s all we have is HOPE. Without it, why bother? Relationships, connection, and collective action are a few things that keep me going. Efficacy, leadership, and compassion are a few more things I’d like to mention that also matter. I am so glad I ended the week like it did. It humbled me but also helped me grow into a better me.
Written by Christine Ho Younghusband, December 11th, 2020 | Comments Off on Disconnected Reconnected
