Overcoming My Fears
June 19, 2026 – Submitting My Manuscript
I will say, imposter syndrome is REAL. Understanding my worth is CHALLENGING. And, being ok with rejection is NORMAL. Wow. It has taken me a load of time to figure this out, but I guess that is the journey. I am sitting here on a Friday night, looking out my window and watching a thunder and lightning storm. The metaphor did not escape me. Big changes are a happening, and it’s taken me a long time to accept who I am, love who I am, and love the work that I do. I guess I am going to cite Brené Brown again to say that “I am enough.” I do remember the words of my supervisor saying, “we don’t give out doctorates to anybody… you’ve earned it.” (PS. may not be the exact words, but it’s close).
I remember that it took me a year to tell people I was a doctoral candidate (which meant passing the comprehensive exams), many years to complete my dissertation (because I kept spiralling in the research problem without making much progress until I quit my job, became a school trustee, and realized that my job as a doctoral student and researcher was to answer the research question.). Once all the pieces seemed to make sense (as I struggled with my identity, my value within the profession, and what to do next in my professional career), I completed my research. At that time, I was a sessional instructor (commuting from the Sunshine Coast), I was a two-term school trustee, and my mom was dying (I needed to take care of her).
What can I say? Life was turbulent to say the least, and my sense of self was at an all time low. It’s hard to hear things like, “hey, do you want to publish your dissertation?” from your supervisor. I had no idea what he was talking about. He offered to help and to be a co-author (many, many years ago), and I said, “sure.” I had no clue what this meant or involved. He took the time to reduce my dissertation down to a word-count less than 10,000. He managed to do it, and added his flair to the manuscript to to bring some of the ideas together in its condensed form. Now what? It did take some time to get the manuscript completed, but once it was in my hands to review and submit, I was lost again. What was I suppose to do with this document? Where does it go? Academia is very much what my dissertation was about… being out-of-field, learning-by-doing, and experiential learning. I did submit it to one place, but the editor quickly returned the manuscript to me saying that they did not like the convenience sampling approach and that it needed a literature review. I can say that now, but what I internalized then was, this work is garbage and you can’t read or write. Sounds extreme, I know, but that was the headspace I was in. It was not good, so formative feedback was difficult to receive.
Time lapsed. I could not fathom submitting this work to another journal. First, it was a long manuscript. Most journals accept 5000-7000 words. I’ve attempted to shorten the manuscript and edit it, but I could never get passed the first page. I was so devastated by the editor’s reply that I could not even think about subjecting my work to anyone, despite the blood, sweat, and tears incurred by both myself and my supervisor. I did not have the strength, confidence, or heart to do it. I just wanted to keep the work to myself. So, what did I do? Pursued academia and engage in studies that had NOTHING to do with my doctoral research. OMG. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I loved returning back to teaching, and I love learning about research. I am really enjoying working with others on some research projects, and I am getting some publications out that are aligned to teaching and learning. Lots of what I am doing at the university through teaching, research, and service are related to what I love, but none of it is directly correlated to my doctoral research. CRAZY. Until one day, I went back to that manuscript and realized that my supervisor referred to the literature review in the discussion as a strategy to reduce words, and my student did engage in a form of convenience sampling.
HELLO? I’m not a bad person.
Other life events have happened since then, like ending my marriage, moving to a new place, becoming a full-time single parent, navigating the academia world (and not really doing a good job at it), buy a new place, a new car, a new way of being. Why not through a pandemic in there as well as a strike (that was a turbulent year). The brighter side, my kid just graduated from university and working a full-time job, I am a cat-mom, and I love teaching and learning about math and math education. Ah yes… back to my OG love. I get super stoked attending professional development sessions about math education, and I have opportunities to put my doctoral work into practice. I’m not sure if this is serendipity or that I was always meant to. It’s been an incredible journey to get to where I am today, and YES… I submitted that manuscript to a different journal, that accepted up to 10,000 words, and I feel 1000-times better about this work and realizing that the research is still relevant. I want to do a replication study. This work is interesting to me, and I feel like I’m coming home… in a good way… and it feels GREAT. I have overcome my fears. And, even though I have another chapter, and another chapter to write (with timelines), I needed to take today to submit that manuscript, regardless of outcome.
I feel good. I am not hung up on the outcome, or the feedback. Everything is formative, and I really understand that. It’s taken many learning experiences to get to where I am with this mindset. Not only did coach teacher candidates this understanding in their upcoming and recent publication as a conference proceeding, but also to graduate students I am mentoring and supporting in other ways and roles. But now, I get it. I really understand who I am, my doctoral work, and MY WHY (of which I wrote in my last blog post). This ALIGNMENT has been something that I have always been striving for, and now I see it, I can feel it, and I know it. I feel that the floodgate has opened and now the water can rush through. I want to use the metaphor of a salmon swimming up stream, but my arrival is not my death, but rather the opportunity to lay eggs and spawn birth to new ideas and possibilities. I had to write this blog post soon after I sent my manuscript, co-authored with my supervisor. I know that we are colleagues, but he will always be my supervisor. For that, I am very appreciative. Onwards and upwards… to the next chapter!!