Feeling Much Gratitude

March 15, 2026 – Leaning on my BIG sister

Yes, this blog post will be one of gratitude. I am so grateful for my sister. She my older sister. We did not become close until were were both adults. Much of my formative years was spent leaning on my twin brother. As time has passed and I’m well into adulthood and career, my sister and I grew closer. We started to get to know one another and for many years I struggled with being the youngest in my family. Although I am a twin, I am the youngest. My sister and brother were afforded the responsibilities of being the older siblings. I guess I fulfilled the stereotype of the youngest sibling. Generally, I just followed along and did what I was told. I did hold some resentment for many years as I had wanted to be just like my sister and brother. I wanted to be treated equally. I remember that I insisted as a child and through many of adult years to be treated the same. After my mom passed away in 2018, I realized that we were all treated differently… LOL… and we don’t have the same strengths, even though my mom made things feel equal for me.

Now as an older (and much more wiser) adult, I can see the value that my mom took in differentiating our lived experiences as her offspring. We were all different and we come to this world with different strengths. My mom saw that. In fact, after she passed away and we got to really see what was happening behind the curtains, my mom was the greatest conductor of this H9-family orchestra. She was thoughtful, caring, and strategic. All three of us had to learn about each other again, especially now when we are having to support our dad from a distance. We are three very different people. In hindsight, I don’t know why it was so important to be the same. I also spent much of my time trying to “fit in” to my family, thus betraying my authentic self, to do what I thought my dad, in particular, valued. Now, I understand (from my mom) that we are all different and the strengths that we bring to the table are different. I can see our differences, and I do find it hard to believe that we are so connected. We just don’t have the same strengths.

So, back to being grateful for my BIG sis. Since my mom’s passing, life has changed dramatically in many different ways. As turbulent as that was, I am finally in a place where I feel like my whole-self. It’s amazing to feel like oneself, with no compromises. Admittedly, it was scary to learn more about who I am, my value, and my self-worth. I had to figure out what made me happy, what stokes my fire, and what I truly believe in. There has been many pivots along the way and I feel that I can foreshadow another potential pivot in the horizon. In some ways, it freaks me out, but in other ways, I’m not reacting. I’m trying to be realistic while still keeping aligned to who I am and what I want out of life. This is where my sister comes into the picture. Last week, I really needed to co-regulate with someone at the end of the work day, and my sister is always there to pick up the call (or call back). After the call on Friday, I was so grateful that she could reason with me about a particular situation and co-regulate me to a place of calm and peacefulness. The next day, we are catching up and strategizing next steps. In this case, she uses her strengths to help me out. I am so grateful for this unconditional love.

I feel calm and rational in anticipation of what might come. And even still, it’s about making a decision for me. Just last night, I shared with my kid about saying no to something, and her response was that she was happy for me for being able to put myself first. HUH. That really struck me… I don’t do that. I am learning not only more about myself, but I am also learning more about asking for help, being vulnerable, and accepting this help knowing that people want the best for me. This is a good feeling.