Renewing this Website

Saturday, December 9, 2023 – A Moment of Self-Doubt

I have to admit, when I got the notification via email to let me know that I agreed to a auto-renewal for this website for 3-years my heart sank a little. By the time I got to my apartment and talked myself through the situation (briefly), I felt ok. I remember how this website started and where I had come from over the last 13-years and it has been a journey to say the least. I would not take the midlife unravelling too lightly and I found myself today in a deep reflection about life and where I wanted to be. Not the best timing when I have a pile of marking to do, yet the best timing because I need to feel good about what I am doing and why. And yes, I’m blogging too.

I found myself today downloading Brené Brown’s audiobook, Braving the Wilderness, a book I’ve read a few years ago with hopes of feeling some solace or validation. Already from Chapter 1, I feel aligned to hear words. I was also listening to the audiobook with hopes of getting inspired to return back to my marking. So far, I’ve worked on the feedback from my research team and revised our webpage accordingly. I wrote some notes/minutes from a meeting relating to this research project, and I have responded to a few emails. I’m warming up to the quietness of assessment and evaluation. I enjoyed reading the first batch of work and now I am mustering up the will to commit to my feedback and final grades. This decision-making is not earth shattering, but it means a lot to me and needs to feel aligned.

Where I am today is not where I thought I would be 13-years ago, but I have never felt more like myself. As Brené would say, I belong to myself. This feeling is incredible. I am learning to accept and value myself of which I did not do very well (or if at all) in previous decades. It seems fitting to embark on this journey in my last chapter of my life. I still live with my kid, whom I love to bits. But I am also finding that I am learning how to keep my boundaries and remain true to myself. I’m still working on how that manifests, but I am more aware. Earlier today, I was talking to a friend of mine. I love that we can take a moment for critical reflection. I can’t do that with many people so I feel grateful that I can do that with her. In that conversation, I learned about how one incident that impacted negatively still lives in the heart of minds of others, but not in a good way. My heart sank, thinking that this person did not seek forgiveness, but more interested in seeking revenge or shame-inducing acts (to put me in my place).

I wonder about leadership and the role of power and one’s positionality. Sometimes I feel that I am beginning to understand that power is not something that I desire or want. At first, I believed that power was a part of leadership and it might be for some. For me, I am leaning towards compassion, understanding, and listening as attributes or competencies I would like to possess as a leader. I would follow up with a set of virtues like patience, humility, and wholeheartedness as part of my leadership style. Humanity, human connection, and community are important to me as well as Kirkness & Barnhardt’s (2001) Four R’s of respect, relevance, responsibility, and reciprocity. I’ve been using the concept of reciprocity as a litmus or gauge recently to help me decide what is worthwhile or not. Meaning, as much as I give to something, it gives the same amount back to me, and vice versa. I am learning when something is taking away from me (to become less than), is something that needs addressing or removing. I’ve been there before, hence power in leadership has no place for me.

As I take a deep-breath and have a moment of gratitude, I am so appreciative of renewing this website and gaining a renewed access to this blog. I spent many hours (for entertainment purposes during the pandemic) with a weekly blog post that eventually (or attempted) to explore what was important to me. You have no idea the flood of good feelings and happiness I had accessing my website again. This is a place of solace and I am very excited to take some time during the winter break to update it and refine it as a place for me to reflect and wonder about teaching, learning, and leading in education and in life. I am always humbled in the direction of which writing and blogging takes me. It’s always unexpected and that’s the joy of this writing and reflection. It’s something that I try to bring to my classes that teach portfolio in graduate and undergraduate courses at the university. I feel pumped and recharged to get to my work now and do what brings me joy and happiness. I belong to me.