Being with Family
April 29, 2025 – Time to Submit Ethics
As we approach the end of the month and transition to the spring/summer term, I took a moment to visit my family in the Lower Mainland. My cousin and her family came from Boston to Vancouver for a week or so to visit the west coast, and I also had a short visit a niece, nephew, and aunty who also live in Vancouver. I stayed at my brother’s place for a few days. He hosted a family dinner gathering one night and my sister hosted another. On my last day, my sister, brother, and my dad got together to have dim sum, but also visit my mom at the cemetery. We bought her new (fake) flowers for her resting place. Tulips. Very seasonal, but also very MOM. She loved tulips and it’s one of my memories of her when we visited the tulip farms in Abbotsford. We also had pizza that day. It was a good day and memory of mom.
I’m not sure what it will take to get me motivated enough… or ready enough… to engage in an autoethnography. When my mom passed away in 2018, I wanted to write about those 20-days (and my relationship with my mom) to investigate my ethnic identity but in particular write about belonging, self-efficacy, and positionality. I had a wonderful conversation with my cousin one night at my sister’s talking about my mom and sharing with her what I loved about my mom and why she was so special. Was that enough? I have very good memories of my mom, not limited to those 20-days, but I also have some challenging ones. It’s almost like I want to learn more about her so that I can get a better understanding of myself, but also how I make sense of the world in context to my family. I needed to learn about myself.
I am a second-generation Chinese Canadian. I was born and raised in Prince Rupert, BC. I don’t have any language (i.e., Cantonese) or engage in any cultural practices related to my ancestry. I was essentially assimilated to Canadian culture and language by my parents and Canadian society and institutions (even though my parents spoke Cantonese) such that I spent the first half-century of my life denying my cultural heritage and ethnic identity. When George Floyd died in 2020, I was struck by the question: Can I deny who I am for much longer or do I need to step up and “be ok” with being Chinese? A weird question, but it’s one that I had wrestled with for many, many years. Also around this time, I graduated with my doctorate in 2017, my mom passed away in 2018, and I separated from my husband in 2019. I moved away from my family in 2018 to pursue a job, we faced the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, and I lived in my house during the pandemic until my kid moved up with me in 2021.
Up until this point, I was not living my life for myself and I had a lot of misconceptions about “the world.” In 2021, I was starting life all over again and it took a few years to finally find myself, my autonomy, and my agency as a person and academic. Even though I wanted to write about my mom in 2018, I couldn’t. Not because of the persistent crying and sadness, but because I was not whole or ready to write about and examine my experiences in a reasonable and realistic way. Lots was happening, and I was learning more about me. I had to look this up, but I divorced in 2023 (only 2-years ago) and I bought my own place last year (only 5-months ago). My kid continues to live with me and she is finishing up her third year in the nursing program. I am no longer angry, nor am I feeling oppressed or distant from myself.
Now, I know that I am my only agent and advocate. I choose how I would like to see life to be and to do what I love to do to find my purpose, my happiness, and my joy in life. I don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations but my own. The only person I need to prove anything to is myself. I never felt that way before (in my past life) but now I understand that my happiness is my own. I create what I see. I needed this time to “feel” ready to write. Well, I think there is no better time than the present. I was already looking at autoethnography resources (again) during this blog post and thinking about how I will go about collecting data (i.e., journals, self-reflection, interviews, etc.). I am ready. Being with my family this last week helped. Many of my aunties and uncles are still alive as well (in addition to my dad). It’s an opportunity to learn more about my mom and learn more about my identity and belonging.