Feeling Anger and Joy

July 15, 2025 – The day after home hibernation

While I was enjoy my pandemic lifestyle, I reached out to a few friends to make plans to go out for coffee or go for a walk to get outside and do what people do… connect and socialize. This morning, I met up with a friend at a local coffee shop. We often have really good chats and moments to update one another on what’s happening in our lives. Today, I was describing a moment that totally frustrated me and noted to my friend that I was very angry about the situation. I even shared a short story of my kid hanging up on me from a FaceTime call yesterday because I was not in the right headspace to talk. Anyway, she said to me that it was really refreshing for her to hear that I was angry. She said that I am often FLAT. Hmm… she is not wrong, but dang, it’s also refreshing to have friends who are willing to speak truth and share their observations. Her comment got me reflecting in real time and I could not deny her claims and her observations. She was not wrong. I would like to believe that she was, but I did admit that I do show myself, but likely about 20% of who I really am. She said that I’ve been flat ever since she has known me, which is about 7 years. Huh. Again, she is not wrong. Inside, I might have felt erratic, disoriented, and out of control (most times), but I really tried to MUTE myself from showing what was really happening on the inside and put blame on what was happening on the outside. The blame was misplaced, but I was trying to numb myself from the pain and fear, so much so, I could not express who I really was. Again, I was not putting out to the world a fake-self. I only showed what I thought people wanted to see or a veneer that made it seem like everything was ok and don’t think otherwise. Wow. Looking back 7 years (and beyond), there was a lot happening and I was unwilling to feel what I needed to feel (and express those feelings) to myself or others. I did not want people to see what was really happening, thus see who I really was. I often need approval or validation of who I was, based on what I was doing or titles I held. I had no idea how to be myself. I don’t think this was a 7-year old problem or a 20-year problem. It might be a 50+ year old problem, one that I had created as a young child. I look at old photos of myself, as a kid, a young adult, and somewhat old adult… I don’t look happy. I was not happy. I was trying to be someone who I was not for decades (aka., half a century). That’s a long time!! My friend did verify that I do like the COVID-lifestyle of staying at home, being alone, and enjoying the peace and quiet. That brought me some solace. I had always thought I was an extroverted person, but maybe I thought I had to be one. I’m not sure, but I’m noticing. I loved having coffee out (and reconnecting to the real-world), but I also love just being at home with my cat, making myself a meal at home, and taking the time to work from home. I feel very lucky to do what I do. It also feels good to feel. When I felt angry, I could also feel joy. It felt great!! I was reminded by Brené Brown’s 20 tonne shield and suppressing my feelings. I was numbing my feelings, but by doing that, I can’t feel the good feelings as well as the bad ones. I was not prepared to be vulnerable, thus I did not want people to see who I really am. I was not sure if I really wanted to see who I am. I am still trying to figure that out. That said, I am grateful that my friend also said that it was good for her to see a bit more of who I am and that she was happy to see that I could be angry. It’s healthy. I do feel this is who I am… emotional, introverted, unstructured, and intuitive. I just never trusted it, nor believed that these qualities could be valued by my parents, peers, or myself. Hmm. I’m left with many emotions and I am driven to learn more about myself. I think that I might try out Myers-Briggs again. Twenty-five years ago, my preferences were ESTJ. I lived that way for many years. I was a high school mathematics teacher. How else was I supposed to be? (15 minute break). Damn. I just completed the Myers-Briggs test online and tried to answer the questions based on what I would do today. As anticipated… the results were INFP… the exact opposite. As I started to read the FREE content, it’s not wrong. I had also learned in my Master of Education course that in your older years, you are likely to become or seek the opposite preferences. So here I am. Voilà. A steady stream of consciousness for today’s blog post. It was unsolicited, and inspired.