Extroversion Is My Shield

Week 107 – April 2, 2022 – Spring Equinox

I’m back to weekly blogging. Yay me. I have also established the “Saturdays off” habit too as well as having a good night’s sleep. I’m still vegetarian and back at the #daily5kchallenge. These are all good things but I continue to struggle with other habits to get my life back on track. I can only tackle one habit at a time. My body speaks to me and my job is to pause, listen, and act. It’s not easy for me. As much as the pandemic dramatically interfered with my life in many ways, it has also challenged me to reconsider aspects of my life and do something different.

I’ve really noticed this now returning back to in person life where I’m not on Zoom and can be camera off. I learned some benefits of being isolated and being left with my thoughts (as an extroverted person). It was uncomfortable at first but the silence brought me to blogging about my #pandemicreflections, such as this one. If anything, I’m growing and learning how to value and take care of myself. I’m not 100% there but there are plenty of indicators for me to notice and act on. I’m working on it.

What I noticed about myself the other day was I hide behind my extroversion. It seems strange on the one hand when I’m in everyone’s face saying hello to those I know and chatting freely with I don’t know. I am genuinely excited to be with people and see people. I’m a pandemic nightmare as I do like to hug and high-five others. That’s said, my extroversion helps me to mask my more gentle and vulnerable self. I can hide behind the facade of being loud and obnoxious (or whatever I do, really).

I might be being hard on myself but this is how I’m feeling at this point in time. My extroversion separates me from others (or pushes others away) and keeps me safe. It’s an odd form of sabotage that helps me from getting too close to others. Jokes, sarcasm, and belittling myself to others are common tactics I take to prevent others from getting to know me better. I never noticed this before about me but now I can see it so clearly now being back in the presence of others. I will never have that Hallmark movie moment because I won’t let myself to be vulnerable or seen.

Why would I blog about this? I have to live in my values. Trust and wholehearted. To overcome this protection of self from other and lack of self trust, I have to name it. Is a publicly accessible blog the best place to name this midlife unravelling. Maybe. What I do know is, I am working towards understanding myself, being true to myself, and showing myself to others. How can I get to those tender moments and appreciate the discomfort of letting others see me? On the contrary, I also have to be open to being hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken. It’s the risk I have to take. I hope I’m ready.