Accept Who You Are

Monday, April 4, 2022 – Oh damn. I was so proud of myself for committing to my weekly blog and here I am blogging based in inspiration or aha moment. What the heck. I could comply to my own rules that I made for myself or just break them. As you can see, I’ve chosen the latter. Talk about inner strength… LOL. I don’t know. I just need a quiet moment to think this out. Writing helps. (Hence, the blog… woohoo).

Today was an up and down kind of day. I had some really great moments today, and part of it was connecting with students. That is a big part of my why along with student learning and my learning. I want to stay curious and wonder, but that takes a lot of vulnerability to do that. What I am learning about lately is understanding my power and myself. It’s not easy, but this self-discovery needs time and reflection.

Here I am… unpacking. As I build myself up and stand in my truth (and feel good about it), in a quick moment I am self-doubting, questioning, and self-protecting. So, I am currently experiencing the down aspect of my day. It’s not terrible to be where I am right now. I’m caught up on my work, with exception to one project. I’ve parked other work to focus on this project. I learned something new and now analyzing it.

I actually started my day thinking about accepting who I am. On the leadership colour wheel, I believe that I am RED and YELLOW (but more red than yellow). On then Enneagram I am an EIGHT (not a person to reckon with… LOL). And on the MBTI, I’ve tested out as ESTJ and sometimes drift into ENTP. My psychometric friend would claim that all of these temperament tests are voodoo. I can see their POV.

On the other hand, when I read the descriptors for RED/YELLOW, EIGHT, and ESTJ/ENTP… it’s like reading about myself. It’s somewhat frightening, but truthful. There is nothing wrong to hold a mirror up to take a good look at myself. Sometimes I look at others and want qualities they have that are somewhat absent or deficient in me. I struggle with this need and triggered in different ways that bring me to my knees.

Tonight was one of those moments. I could not bare the hurt and agony. It’s a me thing. I know this. It’s not about other people but what I interpret or perceive from other people. As my friend would say, why do you worry about what other people may think of you? I’m not sure why. My kid could even feel my energy tonight after I got her from work. She said that I’m not happy, but I am sad and stressed. So true.

My emotions right now is something that I need to feel (and not ignore). It does not feel great, but it does feel good because I can recognize these feelings now. I might be responding trauma or past experiences, but I need to pause (again) and sit in this moment. Discomfort. Pain. Hurt feelings. Again, not easy but something I need to do to overcome my feelings of worth, power, and my true sense of self… to be myself.

It’s ok that I am determined, demanding, competitive, strong-willed, and driven. I am motivated, enthusiastic, sociable, dynamic, and inspired. I am self-confident, strong and assertive. I am protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. I am predictable, stable, committed, and practical. I tend to be frank and honest when it comes to sharing opinions, which can sometimes be seen as harsh and critical. Finally, I am also innovative, clever, and expressive.

These are a few words that describe who I am. There is a balance of traits and I have to accept that I am not the mom that bakes cookies and writes notes in my kid’s lunch. This kind of mom was someone that my kid had always wanted. I can see this want in education too. I am a straight-shooting secondary mathematics teacher. How fun is that? I do like to create and innovate, but I also like to maneuver, strategize, and win.

I am being harsh on myself. There is a part of me that wished I was the cookie-baking mom who oozed love and compassion in an open wholehearted way. I’m just not that person. I’m not complaining, but accepting and learning. That’s all I can do is learn. I am taking this moment of down and picking myself up. I am ok. I am enough. I am doing the best I can and the person I need to trust and love is myself. I can do this.

PS. Soon after I finished this blog post, I received an email from a former student sharing their gratitude and that I am someone they value and respect. I love karma.