The Sleep Dilemma

Week 100 – February 12, 2022 – A Second Post

I will admit, I am in a dilemma. Of course, inspired to write a second blog post this week because I find writing as an exceptional way for me to make sense of what is. What I find about writing is, answers emerge from the flow of text (or making text). Also, I have created another extension of my make-work contraption to access my blog via app, Bluetooth keyboard, and iPad. I put this all together so that I can continue to blog, think, and contribute to the digital community.

Blogging has ironically been my safe line to extroverting my thinking during the pandemic. The pandemic has be strangely isolating and there is always something within me that believe that I can just adapt. There are limitations to how one can adapt, but I also believe that learning takes patience and time (one of the First Peoples Principles of Learning) and learning involves exploring one’s identity (another First Peoples Principles of Learning). Learning is experiential and holistic and lots of what we learn and understand are from the land and people.

Living and introverted life as an extrovert has been challenging and my pure excitement to connect with people is evident and sometimes over the top. That said, I am learning more about being introspective and spending time doing the tough work from within, I believe that the pandemic and my #pandemicreflections has made me a better person and I hope I will continue my work on this pedagogical journey.

Now onto my dilemma… SLEEP. I have been juggling life, research, and teaching. I don’t think that my lived experience is unique, but what I am realizing is REST and PLAY are integral to my success as a researcher, writer, and educator. It has definitely served me in the past to work all hours to get things done. I would lose sleep and sacrifice my physical and mental health to achieve goals and what I think is expected of me. As a result, my spiritual health suffers and lose sight of what’s important.

This week and last… I’ve been focused on sleep. I did not do that well a couple of weeks ago. I may have went to bed at a reasonable time for 2 out of 7 nights. Last week, I went to bed at a reasonable time most nights with a couple of early mornings to get things done…. but not all things got done (like marking papers and providing feedback in a timely manner). As a result, I wondered is sleep was worth it.

I woke up this morning, as a pushed the snooze button, I CHOOSE SLEEP. And so I did. I know that sounds like an unusual request to self, but I have to take deliberate action to sleep. Although I had a pretty descent record of sleep this week (admittedly, not 8-hours per night), I still wanted (and needed) sleep. My body is tired and is asking me to do something else to make this lifestyle of academia sustainable.

What I am learning from my mentors is, follow my passion, my joy, my love. I call this MY JAM. I spoke about this many times in previous blog posts about thinking or believing that my jam was listening to other people’s jam. I love going to Circle Craft in Vancouver to listen to the artists and entrepreneurs about their product and passion. If I was honest with myself, now looking back, I think I just wanted what they had, but never knew what my jam was or would be. I had no idea.

I am beginning to understand what my jam is. I think other people can see my jam but I have to realize what my jam is. It’s becoming more evident as I am embedded in the pandemic and defining what’s important to me. It’s not about achieving and doing what others expect from me (even though that’s part of the paradigm of academia), but I am driven about to trying new things and part of my work is not only to serve students and the student learning experience, but also tell these stories as well.

Knowing this will help guide me in my dilemma. I want to sleep. There is no question. I miss it. I love it. I can’t live without it. I just read in my Google search that people of my age should be getting 7-9 hours a night of sleep to lead a healthy lifestyle. OK. I have a goal. And I do feel way better cognitively, physically, and spiritually. I’m not 100% but I will get there. I want to return back to daily walking habits. That routine has been on and off due to the weather and the demands of work. I have recently given up eating meat and I feel really good. That was a step in the right direction.

As I listen to and read more about Atomic Habits by James Clear, I am reduced to the quality of my habits and routines. Writing on a daily basis and reading regularly are other aspects I want to do and bring into my way of being. I am also delving more into my interests and shift thoughts of intentions and plans into ACTION. I just listened to a beautiful presentation by Dr. Shawn Wilson who said that Indigenous knowledge is about relationships with everything and practice LOVE IN ACTION.

I love feeling inspired and as one of my mentors and friends said to me… research is ME TIME. I really get that. What nourishes me on the inside is in service of others. I am learning and will continue to learn on how to make this happen for myself and find a balance within my dilemma between sleep and work. I feel that I am getting closer to a solution to the problem and that each step I take is in the right direction.

Happy is My Baseline

Week 100 – February 9, 2022 – An Early Entry

The day after the best day of my life. Ok. I’m hoping for more excellent days in the future. Right now I am using a keyboard that I bought a century ago for an iPad I no longer own, but I saw it this morning and thought… hey, I can use that keyboard with my phone. And, so I can. Here I am using this keyboard with my phone propped up is a fine balance so that I can blog on my phone (because I have locked myself out of my blog… FOREVER… after I changed phones) and this is awesome. I am so enjoying typing out my thoughts versus thumb texting. This discovery has absolutely made my day and I just had to blog because of that. Why not? I have to figure this out some way.

I don’t think that I will be editing like I had when I had full access to my blog. I would get totally caught up on how the text was formatted in the final product, but also I would over obsess about crafting my words so that it would fit perfectly in the space for that paragraph. If you follow this blog, you may have noticed that there the image for each blog does not appear on the cover page of my WordPress site and that the text within each blog are ”messy” as I perceive it. It’s my lack of access, but also an opportunity for me to let go of things I cannot control or spend time to figure out how to make it look pretty. I’m done with that.

I am super happy though about this keyboard and using Bluetooth to connect my phone and WordPress site to a QWERTY keyboard where all of my fingers and one thumb is activated. Now this feels good. It almost feels like I’ve come home. Actually, that’s what this blog post is all about… coming home. I don’t want to appear sappy or spooky, but as time has been passing through this (hopefully) once in a lifetime pandemic, I have been feeling more like myself. Until recently, I’ve felt like myself and as of yesterday, I am myself. Ahhhhh… what an incredible feeling. And what’s so mesmerizing about this whole journey of enlightenment or joy seeking is that MY BASELINE IS HAPPY.

What does that mean? I will admit that for most of my life I’ve been trying to find myself. Meaning, I would try to FIT IN, do what I’m told, or do things that I thought other people wanted me to do or expected me to do. I was so lost in the muck of things that I had totally lost my sense of self. The mission was to find happiness. I’ve bought books on finding happiness and sparks of joy, but never thought it would be attainable. I just thought that I would have to move through life feeling like I was happy, but sometimes it did not feel like the real thing.

The pandemic, disruption in my work, and collapse of my marriage… I had no choice but to engage in PANDEMIC REFLECTIONS to reflect and shift my life around. In doing so, I thoroughly evaluated my values and what was important for me for months. At first, I was still in the “I should” mindset, but now I’m in the “I know” mindset. This is a good feeling. And, what I have realized is, I know what makes me happy. I know what’s important to me. And, I know who I am as a person. I think the last time I felt this way was in Grade 9 and the time before that, maybe Grade 1. Thinking that I had to live up to other people’s ideals or expectations minimized my spirit and who I was a person.

Now, I understand that everything that I have been experiencing and perceiving are my own doings and the pandemic reflections and help and generosity from others allowed me to look within and surrender. The only person I am trying to impress is me. The only person who needs to feel satisfied is me. The only person who needs to be happy about me is me. That’s all that matters and I am so grateful to have people around me who had the patience and kindness to walk with me. What I have realized is, the strive for happiness was really me asking me to get to my baseline of who I really am, which is happy. I am here.

I take care of myself because I respect myself. I have my voice because I trust in myself. I take action because I believe in myself. This is big for me to understand and knowing this I can stand tall and feel proud. Yes, people out there are getting tired, frustrated, sick, or angry. There are protests about fighting for rights, freedom of speech, and personal sense of agency and choice. As much as others are extroverting their fears and anxieties, blaming others for what is, and trying to find their sense of power with the collective mindset and movement, I have found solace, peace, and happiness by looking within and being the introvert.

I am happy. I am excited about this new life. I am safe. I am happy. 🙂

Connecting to Place

Week 99 – February 5, 2022 – feeling like myself

Hello Year of the Tiger and it’s off to a good start. I had a very good week ranging from connecting with others, connecting to place, and connecting to self. I loved meeting up with former students, going out to dinner with friends, and staying connected to mentors and colleagues. I feel very lucky to be in the place I’m in and I feel like myself. I am grateful.

Gosh. Look at this place. This photo was taken at Cottonwood Island in Prince George. I went walking with a friend. It was a gorgeous day. I loved connecting with her today, and with another friend later in the day. It’s an incredible feeling to be myself, to live in my values, and be in community. I know this sounds like and obvious thing to do or be but it’s something that I had always wanted and I feel like I have arrived. It’s a good feeling.

With all that is happening in today, I can say that I am thankful to have a place to live, I love my work, and I love living with my kid. My friends and colleagues are amazing. I love to teach and learn, and working with teacher candidates makes all that I do worthwhile. I am so happy that I take Friday nights and Saturdays off to rest, relax, and reflect.

Pandemic reflections have served me well. Albeit 99 weeks of reflection, but so much has happened in the last few years that I cannot help but understand that everything has happened the way it was supposed to. I look forward to this new lunar year. I had a very strong start and hope this luck continues.

Dinner for One

Week 98 – January 30, 2022 – Being Kind to Self

As we head towards the lunar new year, I feel more optimistic than ever despite the pandemic. We’ve recently acknowledged the 2-year anniversary of the first case of COVID-19 being in BC and I started in March 2020 to write a weekly blog on my “pandemic reflections” to humour myself thinking that the pandemic would end sooner than later. We are almost at Week 100 and still trying to overcome the fifth wave of Omicron. I am imagining this weekly blog (via phone) will continue for quite some time as I am warming up to the idea of living with COVID-19.

As an extrovert who loves to high five, hug, or punch someone on the shoulder, being out and about during the pandemic is not safe for me or others. Much of the last 2-years I’ve been reprogramming and reflecting. I’ve been doing my own personal pivots and I have never felt better. I can honestly say that “I feel like myself.” For awhile there I was feeling more like myself but I think I have arrived and it feels great. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I suspect the last time I felt like myself was in Grade 9, which was in the 1980’s.

No regrets. Life brings you to place where you are suppose to be. It’s always the right place and the right time whether if we believe it or resist it. I look forward ti the Year of the Tiger. My brother and sister has named this year, the Year of Chris. I can appreciate that. There are still lots of changes on the horizon and I invite them. I have nothing to hide or be scared of.

I’ve been in my midlife unravelling for the last 10 years… a gradual state of transformation. The pandemic has been fruitful as it forced me to slow down, stop, and be silent. I am very grateful to be working throughout the pandemic and oddly prefer to teach online to isolate myself from others. However, we are back to teaching in person and I’ve got my booster. I have to be ok with getting out again.

DINNER FOR ONE was an excellent litmus to how things are and how I was doing. My kid was working and I opted to come at the usual time to pick her up instead of waiting for her phone call. I waited for about 30 minutes in my car. Not particularly fun (and kind of cold) that I opted to go inside to wait. My kid got me a seat in the lounge and I had excellent food and service. What a nice treat for me and I had a great time being with myself and in public. I look forward to the rest of 2022.

Feeling Gratitude

Week 97 – January 22, 2022 – Nothing is Absolute

Ok… I had lasagna today (at a friend’s place) and candied salmon a couple days ago. Nothing is absolute, but happy that mod of what I’m eating lends itself to a lacto-ovo vegetarian. I feel a lot better and I can see the abundance of what is. I don’t feel deprived or missing out. I am just feeling more happy.

It’s been one week into MY NEW LIFE. I declared January 16, 2022 the as the beginning of my life. Admittedly dramatic but I just felt things have changed for me. I felt more aligned to MY WHY than ever and I am more authentic to my values and myself. Honouring me and my strengths and knowing that I’m in the service of others fills my heart. ❤️

One week in to this new way of being (and living) and I feel blessed and joyful. Nothing is perfect and sometimes expectations are not met, but that’s the point of it. I feel guided and purposeful. I don’t feel scared and if I’m being judged, so what? That’s not about me. I need to feel good about what I do and understand how it aligns to my why and how it serve others.

I also know that I have to take care of myself. Some days I feel over worked and over extended and it’s ok to stop, poses, and rest. I needed to sleep and took that opportunity last night. I went to bed at 11pm and slept in. Guilt free. I woke up when I was ready to rise. I took the morning for myself (with a hint-o-work).

What’s strange is, I tried twice today to jump into work and my computer had no battery power. Huh. That never happens. I thought I plugged it in before leaving to my friend’s house. Apparently not. Before blogging on my phone, I went to my computer and it wasn’t charged again. It was a sign I took the first time, and reminded a second time… STOP.

The work is not going anywhere. It will be there tomorrow. I have a tonne to do, but that doesn’t change. I’ve done some “work” today but the other work will have to wait. My mental health and wellness matters. Again, if I want this new life to be sustainable, I need some practices that are just meant for me. Right now it’s Friday night curling, Saturdays, and blogging. I’m super grateful for what is.

Goodbye Meat

Week 96 – January 16, 2022 – I can’t do it.

Wow. I just love looking at my last post that says “Honouring Rest.” Hello? I was in my computer all day today to make a couple deadlines. I was up late most nights working lady week and dropped a couple things off my plate to get things done. Ahhhh… there’s so much more to do. Now it’s almost 2am on Sunday. I thought I should blog now. I’m in bed and on my phone. You’d think I’d want to sleep but no… I was so excited I stopped working at midnight that I took some time for myself. While I was resting and watching a bit of TV, I heated up a bowl of leftover fried rice. I’ve been recently on a meat cheat. My kid tends not to eat red meat or poultry. After a couple days of eating meat… that’s it, I’m done.

I can’t do this anymore. my body is not happy with me. I thought it would be joyful to try time with meat products and I don’t feel good. I just talked to my class last week about burnout and listening to your body. I also told them I’m not very good at it but I’m always trying and learning how. I felt it today and confirmed by how I feel. It’s goodbye meat. I don’t think I’ll miss it. I’ve been holding into meat as if it’s part of my identity and in some ways it is with my Chinese heritage and memories of my mom. Something just clicked with me tonight and it’s time to let go.

Also my #OneWord2022 is COMMIT. I’m not going to do anything unless I can commit to it. Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarian. I’m not sure if I can go vegan. My sister is vegan but I think this is a good compromise and will give me some flexibility. I just went through my kitchen cabinets and fridge and removed anything with meat. The food bank wins and so does my body. I need to listen to it and it’s speaking to me. I’m trying to do that with rest too. It’s about making decisions and sticking to it.

This is a step in the right direction. Goodbye SPAM. It was good while it lasted. Now it’s hello hummus. Lol. My sister eats a lot of that. I’ll figure this out. It’s time for a shift and I’m ready. Time for bed too. Until next week… ☺️

Honouring Rest

Week 95 – January 8, 2022 – Back to Work

Oh my… I’m sitting in my Lazy Boy reclining chair (my favourite and posh purchase of 2019) napping and having narcoleptic moments. It’s 5pm and as much as I have much to do, I can’t feel guilty about rest. I joyfully slept in today, made macaroni and cheese for me and the kid, and drove her to work (aka. The 1.5 hour drive to work ritual). I recycled and took out the garbage and sent out a few emails. Admittedly, I’m pooped. Long nights during the week and lack of sleep to get work done, it’s ok to take a moment to pause.

My thinking is, the time I take to rest will essentially be investing time to my level of productivity. After a long week with little sleep and high demand for productivity, by the time Friday afternoon rooks around I have to shift gears and focus on myself and wellness. I am lucky to have many mentors, friends, and colleagues who help, guide, and question. One of them suggested this notion that rest actually helps with productivity. I was skeptical at first but over the last few months, I’m convinced.

I still keep long days and nights but when I approach Saturday, I have to slow down and rest. Friday nights I curl. I’m so happy to return back to the sport and I have an awesome team. I feel incredibly lucky and I have so much fun. My body, on the other hand, is not so happy. it’s been awhile since I’ve last curled and I’m physically not the same. Nonetheless, I love to curl and by the end of the game and night, I’m spent. This is a good thing. Getting ready to play transitions next from work to rest. Saturdays I sleep in and feel guilt free of taking time to recycle, clean the house, or just veg on my recliner. It feels good.

Now writing this blog post at the end of the day (Saturday), my head does not feel groggy. I feel rested. Grounded. Calm. Even though I have a tonne of things to do and some things that are overdue, I can only do what I can do. I have to make an effort to prioritize what’s important to me and rethink how I do things as I learn things. That’s all I can do and want to do. This way of being I attribute to the pandemic. Admittedly, I’ve said to a few people this week that I am grateful for the pandemic. It forced me to slow down, reflect, and make really important decisions. Hello 2022!!!

Had there not been a pandemic, I would have continued in this life of doing things for others and losing myself in the whole mix. I was numb to my life and my feelings. I lost touch of who I was and who I am. Pausing helped me to take a moment to question and pivot. I was resisting my life. Creating boundaries like rest and honouring rest is respecting me and my needs. I can’t be last anymore on the priority list and proving myself to others doesn’t matter. What matters is happiness and joy.

I love my kid and that she’s with me now. I love her to bits. I love the work that I get to do. It’s challenging and fulfilling. My work is aligned to ‘my why’ and it’s taken many years to get here, yet everything I’ve done mattered and led me to this place at this time. Finally, I’m grateful for the people in my life who lift me up, who will walk beside me, and who I can trust wholeheartedly. I have an amazing community, I love working with students, and I’m excited to engage in this thing called research. I am learning and I can’t ask for anything more. There are and will be tough moments, but resting is key to my success.

Digital Debris – Year in Review

Week 94 – January 2, 2022 – Pivot Please

Wow. The biggest ask of 2021 (and 2020). This time, the pivoting was personal (and 2020 was professional). First question, to keep my website or ditch my website… that is the question. Two-authenticator + new phone + lack of digital literacy + website under attack by cyber creeps = everybody is locked out. I do feel lucky to have access to my blog via phone app but it’s not “real access” to my website. I’m embracing the idea of DIGITAL DEBRIS for 2022. I’m still paying for my URL and I’m blogging. Everything else will remain static until I have the time to figure things out.

I’ll continue blogging until the pandemic is over. The Omicron variant has taken the pandemic into the fifth wave. It’s Week 94 and my word for 2022 is COMMIT. I’m going to do this. I’ll blog. I like blogging. It’s a good way for me to reflect. WRITING IS THINKING. My friend share that with me earlier this year and I could not agree more. I think it will be different from blogging from my phone versus my laptop. I’m interested to see what I’ll learn from blogging with my thumb versus my sub par QWERTY skills. To be discussed later.

Reflecting on 2021 is somewhat horrifying but also liberating. Pivoting is not something to be resisted but embraced. The pandemic has forced me to reflect on what’s important to me, but also take the time to critically reflect on myself and how I am leading my life. This reflective process brought me to some conclusions I never wanted to face, but also ones I needed to face to move forward.

I will say, I have never felt more like myself in a long time. This feels great. I am really understanding who I am as a person and I am willing to step back or push back to ensure my values are not compromised and I am not betraying myself in such a way that I would lose myself again. It’s a horrible feeling to feel so detached from who I am and always in a place of self doubt and uncertainty. This level of insecurity led to many moments of self doubt but also giving myself away to other people’s needs and wants. I’m worth more than that and I needed to understand that.

Ongoing feelings of unmerited unworthiness, experiencing lateral violence, walking away from toxic relationships, saying goodbye to my pet (Sally), driving a UHaul truck, and moving away from my home and community of 25-years were painful moments this year. It was a slow boil for this frog that I had to get out. Now I feel peace and calm like I never did before but also I am learning more about my self-efficacy, value, and self-worth. I feel great and I’m so happy that my kid opted to move with me and rebuild our relationship.

The more that I am understanding and believing in myself, stand in my two-feet, and welcome the life and support of my friends and family, I can be open to feedback and embrace the struggle snd opportunities for growth, personal and professional. My new place is starting to feel like home and my kid is feeling more like herself. I will not compromise myself for others and I will give myself credit where credit is due. I was so happy to end the year publishing my first single authored manuscript about my practice and program evaluation. An accomplishment I am super proud of but also super grateful for the people who helped me along the way.

I am truly blessed. And even though we are pivoting again due to the Omicron variant and the pandemic persists onto year 3, I am so grateful for the time and space it offered me to reflect, reimagine, and take action. I can do this and I never felt more stronger and able. I look forward to 2022 and embracing my one-word, COMMIT. It’s time to commit and I’m ready to do so. Look out world… I’m coming.

Merry Christmas 2021

Week 93 – December 25, 2021 – Locked Out

It’s official. I’m locked out of my website and I auto renewed my web domain for 3-years. ? Security and passwords. This reminds me of Skype. I have a handful of accounts because I can NEVER find my way back in. I might find my back up codes one day (or not). In the meantime, I will continue to blog from my phone with limited WordPress capabilities.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Can you believe it? It’s Week 93 of the pandemic and the Omicron variant is on the rise. Classic Christmas. Who needs more reasons to stay at home? Not me. It seems that life is forcing me into a place of solitude and isolation. That’s ok. There is something to learn, I’m sure. I would like to note, it’s my first Christmas in Prince George. The best part is, I get to spend it with my kid. No turkey this year. My kid is pescatarian. It will be shrimp and fish tacos, but woke up this morning realizing I forgot the limes. Dang.

Finding new traditions while not going out. I ran around yesterday and bout sushi, Chinese food, and groceries (sans the limes ?) so that we could just stay home Christmas Day. It’s minus 24 degrees Celsius this morning. It’s going to be a very cold Christmas. Lots of snow but hope we can have a good day celebrating what we have and enjoy our company.

My kid had yesterday and today off work and as much as I need to do work (and have lots), my brain, body, and soul just says NO THANK YOU and opts to do nothing. Frustrating but I’m learning to allow so that I can be productive. I have a few manuscripts on the go and need to get to them because writing takes a long time. I am learning this (and loving it).

So, for productive brain time, I’m beading. I first started beading with my friend. Terrible at it and I needed a lot of assistance, but I was drawn to the process, patterning, and patience. There were several competencies I needed to learn and enjoyed. I was introduced again to beading as part of a math collective. I’m enjoying it and love it even more. Both instances are connected Indigenous ways of being. I’m not using Indigenous knowledge but I was taught by Indigenous people.

Beading gives me my time back. It forces me to be present (and when I’m not, I would either stab myself with the needle or make a mistake). It helps me to appreciate the little things like the “click” when the beads fit. It also teaches me about UNDOING and the process of unravelling work to fix a mistake and move forward from that mistake (i.e., reminiscent of the writing process ☺️).

The picture above is something I made during Christmas Eve. Yes, I should/could be writing, but I find that when I bead, I’m able to get to my writing in a wholehearted way. I loved listening to my Christmas playlist and beading. My heart was full and I would go out for a walk too but… IT’S TOO COLD OUTSIDE. ?

Merry Christmas everyone. Stay safe. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Socially distance.