Happy is My Baseline
Week 100 – February 9, 2022 – An Early Entry
The day after the best day of my life. Ok. I’m hoping for more excellent days in the future. Right now I am using a keyboard that I bought a century ago for an iPad I no longer own, but I saw it this morning and thought… hey, I can use that keyboard with my phone. And, so I can. Here I am using this keyboard with my phone propped up is a fine balance so that I can blog on my phone (because I have locked myself out of my blog… FOREVER… after I changed phones) and this is awesome. I am so enjoying typing out my thoughts versus thumb texting. This discovery has absolutely made my day and I just had to blog because of that. Why not? I have to figure this out some way.
I don’t think that I will be editing like I had when I had full access to my blog. I would get totally caught up on how the text was formatted in the final product, but also I would over obsess about crafting my words so that it would fit perfectly in the space for that paragraph. If you follow this blog, you may have noticed that there the image for each blog does not appear on the cover page of my WordPress site and that the text within each blog are ”messy” as I perceive it. It’s my lack of access, but also an opportunity for me to let go of things I cannot control or spend time to figure out how to make it look pretty. I’m done with that.
I am super happy though about this keyboard and using Bluetooth to connect my phone and WordPress site to a QWERTY keyboard where all of my fingers and one thumb is activated. Now this feels good. It almost feels like I’ve come home. Actually, that’s what this blog post is all about… coming home. I don’t want to appear sappy or spooky, but as time has been passing through this (hopefully) once in a lifetime pandemic, I have been feeling more like myself. Until recently, I’ve felt like myself and as of yesterday, I am myself. Ahhhhh… what an incredible feeling. And what’s so mesmerizing about this whole journey of enlightenment or joy seeking is that MY BASELINE IS HAPPY.
What does that mean? I will admit that for most of my life I’ve been trying to find myself. Meaning, I would try to FIT IN, do what I’m told, or do things that I thought other people wanted me to do or expected me to do. I was so lost in the muck of things that I had totally lost my sense of self. The mission was to find happiness. I’ve bought books on finding happiness and sparks of joy, but never thought it would be attainable. I just thought that I would have to move through life feeling like I was happy, but sometimes it did not feel like the real thing.
The pandemic, disruption in my work, and collapse of my marriage… I had no choice but to engage in PANDEMIC REFLECTIONS to reflect and shift my life around. In doing so, I thoroughly evaluated my values and what was important for me for months. At first, I was still in the “I should” mindset, but now I’m in the “I know” mindset. This is a good feeling. And, what I have realized is, I know what makes me happy. I know what’s important to me. And, I know who I am as a person. I think the last time I felt this way was in Grade 9 and the time before that, maybe Grade 1. Thinking that I had to live up to other people’s ideals or expectations minimized my spirit and who I was a person.
Now, I understand that everything that I have been experiencing and perceiving are my own doings and the pandemic reflections and help and generosity from others allowed me to look within and surrender. The only person I am trying to impress is me. The only person who needs to feel satisfied is me. The only person who needs to be happy about me is me. That’s all that matters and I am so grateful to have people around me who had the patience and kindness to walk with me. What I have realized is, the strive for happiness was really me asking me to get to my baseline of who I really am, which is happy. I am here.
I take care of myself because I respect myself. I have my voice because I trust in myself. I take action because I believe in myself. This is big for me to understand and knowing this I can stand tall and feel proud. Yes, people out there are getting tired, frustrated, sick, or angry. There are protests about fighting for rights, freedom of speech, and personal sense of agency and choice. As much as others are extroverting their fears and anxieties, blaming others for what is, and trying to find their sense of power with the collective mindset and movement, I have found solace, peace, and happiness by looking within and being the introvert.
I am happy. I am excited about this new life. I am safe. I am happy. 🙂