Looking Ahead to 2024

December 30, 2023 – Returned from Puerto Vallarta

We just got back today from Mexico. We took a direct flight from Puerto Vallarta to Prince George via WestJet. It was a short trip with my daughter. We went to an all inclusive (adults only) hotel. It was a WestJet vacation. She paid for her share and I paid for mine (of course), but I also paid for any extras like an ocean side room, overnight stay at the Fairmont Hotel at the Vancouver Airport, and hotel transfers. The extras were my needs. The Fairmont was a beautiful hotel and we flew out of YVR early the next morning. We had a couple drinks in the lounge and Christmas dinner at my sister’s place. It was a great way to start our vacation. In Mexico, we had an oceanside room and the view was spectacular!! We started the vacation strong by going to Centro (or downtown Puerto Vallarta) via public transit. 10 pesos… that’s it!!  My kid pushed me out of my comfort zone. We loved going to the Oyster Grill, visiting friends in Bucarias, and spending time at the resort. Going to Puerto Vallarta was the first trip that my daughter and I took together. It was a trip we both wanted to do.

Much like the Mexico trip, there were some amazing and wonderful moments in 2023 that I will definitely do again. There were also some things that I would do differently. Were there some down moments? Yes. For example, I totally wore the wrong shoes to Bucarias and for the remainder of the trip, I had huge blisters on my feet. They were super painful. I went to the Farmacia and bought many bandaids and spent time for the rest of the vacation maintaining these wounds. No more beaches for me. The sand gets everywhere. A poor decision on my part with natural consequences, but no regrets. I will do better next time. I’m still wearing the bandaids and my feet as I write this blog post. My blisters need time to heal. It feels better everyday and I could not let them hold me back from making the most of my vacation. I adapted. This is experiential learning. As my mom would say, I always like doing things the hard way. I don’t think that has changed. My twin brother researches and plans, and I depend on others and learn from experience. What I do know is, there is no perfect.

What’s important to me and why does it matter?

I’m back at this question which I believe 2024 will be the year. I’ve been pondering since the pandemic about what’s important to me and I’m brought to a memory I had when I was giving birth to my daughter 20-years ago. The nurse said, “you’re not pushing hard enough.” Oh… I was pissed, but she was not wrong. I needed someone like that to tell me the truth in a wholehearted way. I was even more annoyed when she said that the baby had to make it around the corner then reminded me that it was the third lesson in the prenatal series. I did not need that, but she made a point. I pushed. I pushed so hard that I blew a dozen blood vessels in my eyes, I had plenty of stitches, and I was unrecognizable to friends and family. Giving birth was the toughest thing I every had to do (and my dissertation is a close second). In essence, in 2024, I’ve just got to push harder, meaning, give it my all. I keep playing it safe, take partial risks, and shy away when the going gets tough. I have a goal and I need to get there.

In terms of short term goals, I need to redraft my dissertation to be an article. It was done once with my supervisor a few years ago. One rejection and I could not look back at that work. It reminds me of how fragile I was at that time and where I am today. I looked at that work before leaving for my trip to Mexico (which by the way, my friend would not let me bring this work on my trip) and realized that the feedback was fair and that much of my literature review was edited out in the 10000 word version. I thought it was me, when really, it was what we sent. There is a literature review, but now, my mindset has shifted as well as how I self-identity as a “math educator.” I need to revisit my work with new eyes and get this paper down to 5-6000 words. Maybe it’s two articles… who knows? What I am realizing is, my research program is PIVOTING towards identity and identity development. I see this now. And thinking about it makes me very excited. Hello 2024!! I am READY. Let’s do this!!

Merry Christmas 2023

December 23, 2023 – Reflecting on the Year

The year is coming to an end and Christmas is in a couple of days. My kid and are going on vacation in a couple of days which includes Christmas dinner with my family then going somewhere sunny and hot. I end the year quitting coffee and resting (like nobody’s business, even though I’ve got things to do). This year has been filled with many learning opportunities and let me tell you… there has been many lessons to learn from.

My divorce was final in January, “in situ” learning in February, experiential practicum in March, travelled to Italy in April, CSSE Congress in Toronto in May, camping in Salmon Valley in June, WFATE Conference in Victoria in July, car accident in August, new classes in September, my friend’s sudden diagnosis in October, stepping away from service work in November, and returning to this website in December. This list summarizes the year. Lots happened in between. There were up days and down days. If anything, I had to learn how to be resilient, persistent, and be true to myself.

Learning is not meant to be easy. It isn’t easy, but I am learning. I am learning that the only thing I can control is myself, everyone is doing their best (including me), and you cannot please everyone. These items make for MY OWN AXIOMS on how to move forward with life. My professor from my doctoral program had three axioms as well about school systems: the money is the money, be careful what you wish for, and do not underestimate the power of self-interest. These axioms served me well, but arriving to my own axioms is helpful as well. My axioms have a different approach on how to see the world, but they have served me and I am grateful to learn them.

Everyday is a learning day.

I do catch myself dwelling on some negative happenstances and I often wonder the risk of trying new things or raising the bar, but in the end, you don’t know unless you try. I’ve spent most of my life meeting other people’s expectations, trying to fit in to belong, and compromising my values with hopes of being acknowledged or accepted. What I have also learned this year is, the only person I belong to and feel accepted by is myself. I am getting into Brené Brown’s work and not betraying myself. This is BRAVING THE WILDERNESS. That’s what I’m doing and I’m not going to feel bad about my principles in beliefs. That said, I’m always open to feedback. Not as criticism or judgement, but feedback from folks who what to lift me up. I need to belong to me.

Just the other day, someone brought to my attention my age. I never took that into consideration when making decisions, but it is something to consider (in terms of accepting myself). As things come in three, then my kid started talking to me about what she has learned in the Nursing Program. She said, “you fall once, you’re dead.” That statement was intense, but she said, for women in their 60s who fall once, their health declines rapidly leading to death. Yikes. And she said, “you’re getting there mom.” Kind of true. I still have 7-years. Then, I went to the medical clinic to renew my prescription and listening to those checking in and observing folks around my age, I needed to pay closer attention to my health and age. I guess I’m not 30 anymore.

I do want to focus on the next 5, 10, and 15-years of my career. My focus has shifted. I just want to be happy and do good work. I want to learn new things, try new things in my class, and embark on my research and writing. I was too worried about what other people think. What really matters is what I think. What will bring me joy? What will spark my fire? I was so inspired by the keynote speaker Dr. Niigaan Sinclair. He spoke about young men and how they have to learn how to start a fire, build a fire, and sustain the fire. The metaphor resonated with me along with not being the only one making change. One step at a time. At end the year inspired by one IGNITE video that talked about leadership. That’s what this is… teacher leadership. I can do this.

Teacher Leadership

Friday, December 15, 2023 – A Self-Portrait

Oh my gosh… when I saw this image on Instagram, I thought I was looking into a mirror. LOL. A circle (aka. Pusheen) with a bag of chips. Heaven. I don’t eat chips anymore (because I’m getting old and all of my organs are slowly failing) and I’m allergic to cats (but I love Pusheen). Look at the joy in their face!! I know that feeling. I can see myself in this image, or shall I say it’s an excellent self-portrait. Today marks the official end of the fall term (for me). It was full to say the least. I taught two undergraduate courses, two graduate courses, supervised final practicum for 8 teacher candidates, and supervised one graduate student in portfolio. This is the life of teaching faculty at the university. I’m not complaining, but rather accepting.

Surrender. You can’t control your surroundings.

I enjoy teaching. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but to be viable in higher education, there is also a research component, even though it’s not in my workload to do so. I do plenty of service and I’ve been learning since being in higher education how to “say no” and to do what I like to do for the university and profession. I also need to “say no” in my teaching, meaning, I don’t have to do everything. It’s been a year where I had to really think about my values and what’s important to me. I’ve had several pivotal moments in 2023 to point in some direction and with some urgency. It’s not something I can “force” myself to do, but it’s something that needs to stay in my consciousness and be mindful of. Furthermore, in doing so, I’ve had to engage in my own healing. This year has been full of change but I feel that I’m landing somewhere.

Being the end of term, at least for my teaching, I took today as a SLOW DAY to recalibrate into the “on the side of my desk” aspect of my work… research. I’ve been mulling about my research program and looking for that thread that attaches everything that I do and what I am interested in together. This reflection and consideration take time because I am interested and have been involved with many aspects of education that may appear unrelated. I’ve been advised several times during my time at the university to figure out my research program. At first I thought it was mathematics, then Indigenous education, and identity development. What I have realized is, my focus is TEACHER LEADERSHIP. It’s something that I will be writing more about soon for a chapter in a book, but I am realizing this is the common thread throughout my work. The leadership is not a formal position, but I am a leader.

“Lead from where you are.”

Leadership takes on many forms. As I reflect on the courses that I’ve just taught this term and I was deeply moved by one IGNITE video submitted by one student in one of my classes that deeply resonated with me in addition to thinking about what I do in my practice and what I hope for with professional development and even with this blog, TEACHER LEADERSHIP is the connecting thread. Not everyone is going to like what or even like me or what I have to offer, but “my why” (inspired by Simon Sinek) and my deep admiration for Parker Palmer’s work and self-knowledge, I am super excited about this discovery. Yes, I was doing the dishes when my thinking about the content of this blog. It went from reflection and pandemic reflections to the idea of leadership, then to Teacher Leadership, which has always been my mantra. I cannot describe to you how excited I am except for the idea that this blog post took only 30-minutes to write. I’m stoked. So look forward to future posts on teacher leadership.

Feeling Gratitude

Tuesday, December 5, 2023 – Feeling Whole Again

TRUST. I wrestle with this word, concept, or feeling. It’s something that I have never thought about. I was more consumed as a child about “being equal” with my older siblings. As a young adult, I was consumed by doing what I thought others wanted me to be, particularly my parents. As an adult, I spent my time trying to achieve the stereotypical goals like get a career, get married, have a baby, buy a house, etc. At 40-years old, I took a side step and life was disrupted. Call it the midlife unravelling, but it unraveled for a decade. Now in my 50’s, I’m single, my kid is an adult, and I have just completed 5-years of teaching Teacher Ed at the university (plus one term).

Admittedly, it has been turbulent to arrive to this very moment. I left my life as I knew it in the Lower Mainland and created a new one in the Central Interior of BC. The move alone was a huge learning curve, which in turn has taught me the value of place and how I understand the world. Living here in Prince George has been humbling… and healing. I needed to be here. I know that now. Much of my time has been resisting, questioning, and pretending. I am done with that now. I am embarking on a new journey. This year, I was asked to write a short excerpt for Asian Heritage Month: https://www2.unbc.ca/newsroom/unbc-stories/learning-embrace-identity

This term has reminded me so much of how I felt when I left my teaching practice in K-12 in 2010. I had good flow, good relationships, and I loved what I did. It almost seemed too good to be true. In some ways it was because I left the practice for other reasons. It was not the students or my love for teaching and learning. Now that the “dust has settled” at the university and heading into the Fall 2023 term, my approach to my courses were with an open heart and mind. I continued exploring my pedagogy that resonated with my values and beliefs. I feel exactly like I did when I left K-12 teaching. I love all of my courses, I love all of my students, and I love myself.

The photos above are of my students from EDUC 491. I was their course instructor and practice evaluator (aka. faculty advisor). The process as to how we arrived to this class composition was atypical and unnecessarily stressful. When I was able to allow, surrender, and accept, we entered the final practicum doing what was best for us. I felt the same for my 2 undergraduate courses, 2 graduate courses, and one graduate student supervision. I also felt good starting the term connecting with my final undergraduate course of a cohort I taught last year for two consecutive terms. Big picture, as you can see, we ended the term strong and completed practicum.

I feel so lucky to have a these people in my practicum group and I appreciate all of my students. I learn so much about them, my subject area, and about myself. I would also say developing an expertise with deliberate practice is also part of this magic formula of success. Yesterday was my last day of classes and I am very appreciative of the new cohorts, but also grateful for this crew, last year’s elementary cohort, and members of the science/math crew. As bumpy as it may have been en route, I am learning more about overcoming self-doubt and to believe in myself. Feels great!!