Saturdays are a NO go

August 23, 2025 – LOTS OF GOOD INTENTIONS

This has been a week filled with learning and it takes a lot of humility, kindness, and compassion to proceed onto the next step. After coming home from my hometown of Prince Rupert, I was filled with gratitude to return to my place, my cat, and my kid. I cannot believe that I live where I do and that I did it myself. It’s a really big deal for me. Being the youngest of three and formally married for almost 30 years, I am so grateful to achieve what I have achieved. As my friend had told me over the weekend last week, I am my toughest critic and I am really hard on myself. I don’t disagree. LOL. That’s nice. A double negative. I am learning how to look at myself and see what I see. My friend also said, I have spent my last few years protecting myself. I also don’t disagree with that claim either. I needed to take a step back and know I am creating the story that I want to create. I also know that I am doing the work. I am also aware there is a wake behind me and I cannot control how people behave, think, or feel about me. That has been a big learning hurdle in recent years. What I do know is, I am more secure and accepting of who I am and I will continue with a learning-mindset to thrive and flourish. I can keep dwelling on how I think life “should be” but really, I am living my best life. It’s not perfect, but darn… I think it’s pretty close. I feel very lucky.

This week, I went to the Grant Writing Workshop at the university. This would be the third time I’ve attended this workshop, and with each time I attend, I learn something new. This time, this session reminded me of preparing students for the Math 12 Provincial Exam. I used to be a secondary mathematics teacher and taught Math 12 for about 10-years. At the time, students wrote a provincial exam worth 40% of their grade. Given the high stakes nature of the exam and the need for high performance, I would teach the course as I would for 80% of the time, and I would prepare for the provincial exam for the remaining 20% of the time. We used old exams to practice and held math camps to work collaboratively with other high schools in the district to prepare for the exam. Then, I would facilitate “Math Olympiks” to create a collaborative competitive learning environment to engage in teachable moments with their peers and myself (the teacher). Another goal or expectation of the final exam is to “match” the course mark with the exam mark. So, there was lots at stake with the provincial exam for both the student and teacher. The Grant Writing Workshop had a similar vibe, meaning, you can have a wonderful and worthwhile project to research, but the ultimate goal is to “get the money,” so how do we do that? If anything, I saw the two-day session as being strategic, much like the provincial exam. Brilliant.

The week concludes with a couple of meetings. One meeting was about working with one research team that engaged in a lengthy conversation. The conversation focused on next steps, but also on social dynamics. Throughout the conversation, I could see that I am doing the work (i.e., the self-knowledge work) and I can understand how things were unfolding. What I am learning is, you have to feel good about what you are doing. I stepped away from some other work because it did not give me “good feelings.” Call it my gut… call it familiar feelings… call it the lesson iterates again. I believe that life’s lessons iterate themselves until you get it. These iterations will amplify over time. A long story made short, you are called to action. What do you need/want to do? What’s best for you? Anyway, human interaction are complicated and when words are not shared, trust not established, hard feelings not articulated, etc. the situation can be amplified. I was grateful for the conversation and I can see my role in the situation. I can’t change what has happened nor can I remedy the situation, the cards were laid as they were. I can accept that. My second meeting was with another research team and we are finishing a second manuscript in this study. We just resubmitted the first one and in the last steps of revising a second one for submission. Being on this team offered me many learning opportunities and I can see how I have grown over time. The meeting went very well and I am very excited to submit this manuscript. I can see how the goal is to work together to make it better.

What I am also understanding about my work is, it all takes time, it takes longer than you expect it to, and I am more successful doing one thing at a time. Although I have a few projects happening at the same time, I can only focus on one task at a time. I had full intentions to work on other projects that are outstanding, but I can only get to what I can get to. I thought I could work on Saturday, but my body said NO. I really needed some time to transition from Friday. I needed to rest. I took some time to hang out with my kid. And, I took some time to clean the house, recycle, do laundry, and get my office/room organized to prepare for the upcoming week. I can get down on myself, compare myself to others, or feel guilty, but I am not going to do that. Part of my selfishness is to “be a person” on Saturdays. I took the last year and half to block off Saturday to rest and take care of myself. Now, I just do that. I feel good now, but I was struggling after the week ended. I needed the time to “feel good” again. I don’t feel guilty about that. I keep assessing myself… looking for any bad feelings, shame, or self-doubt. I don’t feel it. This is growth. I am so pleased and I feel rested. Feeling grounded is so important to me. And once again, I am filled with gratitude. I love my place, my cat, and my kid. I have my health and I love my work. Nothing is perfect, but I will do my best to stay in the learning-mindset. That’s where the joy is.