Shifting My Mindset

Week 76 – August 27, 2021 – Fourth Wave is HERE

You know… I thought about quitting the weekly pandemic blog, but NOPE. The fourth wave is here. Thank you delta variant and the deep desire to getting life back to what it was. I have to admit, not wearing a mask felt great. Being around people was awesome. It felt great giving someone a hug. Damn. Human connection was AMAZING. I can see how the numbers are going back up. Not everyone is vaccinated and the delta variant is getting everyone and anyone. No one is 100% immune, but having a population that is not vaccinated does not make things any better. 864 cases today in British Columbia. Yesterday was 628. Gawd. Do the math? It’s not good.

I feel like it’s dejà vu. I’ve been here before. I was in Prince George and teaching at the university. We pivoted on Friday, March 13, 2019. Boom. We were online and teaching remotely. Albeit, it was great to return back to the Sunshine Coast to be with my daughter and live by the ocean, but I am happy to return back to Prince George to get back into the classroom and teach in person again. On Thursday, August, 26, 2021, it was announced that the mask mandate is back. Not sad. The day before, vaccination passports were introduced. Understandable. The numbers are multiplying and I am paying attention to the numbers again. I spent time planning and prepping to return back to the classroom, but pandemic rituals will also be apart of it. Social distancing, hand sanitizer or hand washing, daily health checks, and masks. Here we go again.

August 28, 2021 – Returning back to the blog. This is how it rolls sometimes. I’m in the shift. Here I am again, on the floor of my friend’s house that I am house sitting, watching food documentaries on Netflix, and pondering the purpose of life. Oh ya… the classic midlife “unravelling”… as Brené Brown calls it. I thought my midlife started when I was 40. Apparently, it never ends (at least not yet). That’s ok, but as we delve into the fourth wave of the pandemic, unfortunately… the pandemic reflections persist. Admittedly, I don’t think I am the same person as I was 2-years ago, but I can also recognize is, I am still changing. I feel that I spend a lot of my time resisting, when really I should be surrendering. This tension is the learning I’m engaged in so far.

I have to also recognize the my blogs have transformed to a place for me to write and think to unpack what I am experiencing, feeling, and thinking. When you are engaged in transformation, you have to engage in some form of sense-making. What the hell is happening… in essence. After a few health scares and car crashes… lol… how many more wake up calls do I need? Oh wait… there is more. Ok. I get it. Stop. Look. And, listen. It’s not easy because sometimes I don’t believe myself. Often what I have been telling myself is not true or not good. What the hell? I’m done with “the shoulds” and what I want to do is to get into “the coulds.” What can I do? What do I want to do?

In many ways, it feels selfish. What I am learning is, it’s what I am meant to do. Buying my car was waaaaaaay out of my box. But when I really think about it, buying my car is something that I had always wanted to do ever since I learned how to drive. I never thought I deserved a car like the one I bought. Now, I have one. It’s unbelievable. Driving a U-Haul… I never thought I would ever do that, but when I had to, I did it. I was scared poopless, but I held my breath at times and jumped in. I shake my head thinking about that journey and can’t believe that I persevered. And, my health… is a work in progress. Huge neglect on my part and now I have to make it better. 🙂

With my work… I am slow to change. I don’t know if that’s exactly true, but I wished I was a bit more swift. Ok. That sounded a bit judgemental on my part. It is what it is, but as mentioned earlier, I need to stop resisting. I can feel it. In the end, it equates to sabotage. I have many deeply held beliefs that need unpacking. This is the work. And when I work with people and connect with others, these are opportunities for reflection. They are mirroring what I see in myself. For example, I loved what I witnessed at emergency. Even though I was in incredible pain, I found the health professionals were caring, professional, and competent. On the other hand, I had conversations with a few colleagues, whom I perceive as mentors, last week and realized days after… I’m their colleague (not grad student). Shifting my mindset.