Onwards and Upwards
July 21, 2024 – New Beginnings, New Traditions
What can I say? Today used to be an important day for me, but now, it’s just another day. It did not occur to me that today was “the day” until I looked at my phone and noticed the date. I could spend a lot of time wondering what had happened or regret the years behind me, but really… I spend no time on the past. What I have spent a lot of time on lately is figuring out what’s important to me. I thought I was doing that during the pandemic during my weekly #pandemicreflection, but my good friend called me on that. She was right. Who was I fooling? I guess, myself. Lots had to change in my life to get to who I really am. First, I understand that understanding my values (first) will help with my boundaries, not the other way around. Second, I love my kid and will do anything for her. I believe the feeling is mutual. Finally, I am important and I have value. The last point has been the most difficult to internalize, but its the work that is most worthwhile. I have found peace, calm, and solace.
Part of understanding who I am is fully accepting my positionality. Part of that is being the youngest child of three, being a second-generation Chinese Canadian woman, and being a person with a doctorate with something worthwhile to say. For most of my life, I’ve been living in the shadows of others and often would choose that way of being because it was something that was familiar, comfortable, or expected. As much as I thought that I was a “change agent” or “trouble-maker” but really I was a person who spent much of their time trying to fit in and follow the rules. The problem was, in doing so, I thought I was meeting other people’s expectations or pleasing others. I thought that “doing a good job” would get noticed. Sadly, it was noticed in such a way that it was expected of me. As a result, I was moving away from who I am and became someone I did not recognize. Weirdly, I did not even know I was doing this.
Now that I’m on my own, living with my kid, and starting a “new life”… I am learning how to be me (rather than someone else I’m thinking that people want me to be). Let’s be clear, I reached achievements in that former modality and I am grateful that I was able to achieve what I have achieved, but I need to GET OUT OF MY WAY. In my former way of being, I wondered why I was not “being seen” when really, how could I be seen when I was trying to be someone else I am not, to live in someone else’s shadow that’s not mine, or to hide and avoid conflicts or confrontations such that I get nothing that I want to accomplish. This blog entry is getting into something more deeper than I had anticipated, but I’ve been avoiding this blog post all weekend. I can see why. I am having to overcome “a truth” that I have to overcome. I spent much of 2024 so far resting, reflecting, and reassessing. I have to catch myself… and pause.
I don’t want to fall into the same patterns.
I’m in a holding pattern and I need to take the messages I am receiving on REELS during my “death-scrolls” on social media: (1) I am the CEO of my life; (2) have a vision; and (3) live in the present. Find the joy. I am totally aligned to Brené Brown’s work. The act of being vulnerable and you have to choose between COMFORT and COURAGE because you can’t have both at the same time. This message resonates with me deeply. I have been choosing comfort for the last 5 or so years. There has been so much change, loss, and trauma such that COMFORT = SAFETY. I have not felt safe and secure in such a long time. How can I be myself when I rarely felt safe or secure? As a consequence, I am always protecting myself, defending myself, or isolating myself to the point where “what I really desire is what I am avoiding.” Yes, that’s another message from REELS. Today, I feel safe. I feel secure. The more I am learning more about myself and my positionality, the more I like myself and feel more ready to be seen. I’m shifting from living a life of fitting in to a life I want to live.
The choice has reached a tipping point to choose COURAGE. I need to get myself out of my way. Step aside Christine and make room for CHRISTINE. Yes, it’s “Christine” in all CAPS. As Brené Brown says, in the cringy, uncomforable moments, stay with it and be BRAVE. My former pattern would have been run away, blame, or hide. Now, it’s time to put myself out there, be open to feedback, and just persevere and stick it out. I need to develop my GRIT for life. I love how my kid said to me, YOLO, mom (as she was encouraging me to travel and see the world). I have a vision. I thought that I had satisfied this vision 10-years ago. I’m wrong. I have not lived it out yet. Do what you love… live your life… make your own path… that’s all that matters!! (((deep breath))) Knowing this, feels good. I am so grateful for this day. Today is CHRISTINE DAY. It’s one I celebrate with joy and pride. And yes, I bought myself flowers, a squishy, and Marble-Slab ice cream. Live your best life. It does not matter what other people think.