Figuring Out My Why
January 25, 2026 – Something Caught My Attention
It’s 1 am and I am writing my weekly blog post. I’m needing to reflect on how I spend my time and what I am accomplishing. Sorry… I’m having a moment. This weekend, I went to Vancouver for the day to visit my family. It was a 12-hour turnaround and I felt like I had maximized my time. I saw the ocean and loved people watching. Folks were walking along the waterfront with friends and a coffee in hand, or running along the waterfront, or rowing with friends or on a team. It was amazing to be back by the ocean. I loved listening to and watching the seaplanes… and seagulls. And, I too had a coffee in hand as a walked along the waterfront with my sister. We went to Burnaby and visited my brother and dad (and mom too at the cemetery), and I got some ME-time with a massage.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with my brother and sister during breakfast and my sister was very clear with what motivated her. She loves the idea of climbing a mountain and she’s at the base of the mountain. She loves the challenge. She loves the unknown. And, she loves the thrill of problem-solving. Whoa. I think my brother and I think otherwise, but what she had to say caught my attention. I don’t think she’s too far off with her self-assessment of what motivates her and why. I was really caught off by her certainty. She KNOWS that about herself. I was enamoured by her certainty and her ability to articulate this knowingness about herself. The clarity was also notable. I replied that I like it flat like the prairies… LOL. I was joking, but really, I don’t think I know what motivates me as clear and concise as my sister had demonstrated. That said, I think this unknowning of what MY WHY is has been on my mind for quite some time.
This noticing also happened a few weeks ago for a grant application. The PI was collecting information from collaborators in terms of why they should be part of the grant and what they would present about in context to the application. I sent my form in, and even asked one of my friends to send a copy of what they sent as an exemplar to help me write my short submission. When the draft application was sent out to each of us to review, my submission sounded like a short version of my CV and others sounded like a description of their soul and spirit in context to their work. I was shocked and disappointed (in myself), so much so that I offered to rewrite my submission. I did not, in the end, but damn… why can’t I identify THIS THING that makes me, me. Admittedly, this has been on my mind since reading the grant application and I am hoping that my existence is more than the selfies, patio pics, and food pics I take (for fun).
Now, as I am thinking about it, my kid said something to me at dinner after returning from Vancouver. I came home around dinner time and I was not going to be cooking anything. All I could think of was to steam some dumplings and go to bed. I was tired. It was an early start that day. Instead, we went out for dinner. Mid-meal, one of my students entered the restaurant. She came by our table to say hello. It was good to see her and she said it was weird to see me outside of the university because she has never seen me outside of the university. I mean, that’s fair. I like staying at home. Otherwise, I’m at work. Anyway, near the end of our meal, my kid goes to the washroom. My student is also in the washroom and shares a little about me to my kid. My kid returns to the table to share what this student had said to her. I did not make too much of it… and kind of didn’t take it to seriously. My kid then replies, “I don’t think you are confident…”
I mentioned during my graduate class this term that it’s hard for me to remember what “nice things” people say about me and/or my practice. It’s not that I take it for granted or expect good responses. It’s the opposite. I don’t expect it (and don’t deserve it). I am also fearful of getting bad or negative comments as well, so I guess I am ignoring or dismissing all comments. This behaviour is not humility. It’s fear. I do want to do a good job and I do make an effort in making sure I am steering the ship forward, but I’m hesitant to make any lasting impressions (or being my full self). That tracks… a lack of confidence. I get scared of pushback and being clear of MY WHY and why I do things matters. It happened last week when I was asked about the amount of reading I was assigning. In that case, I knew why and articulated this why to students. I was open to adapt, but also provided an articulation of what the readings could be otherwise. Some students after class thanked me for this articulation. I think that surprised me the most.
Understanding MY WHY and what motivates me is critical to my work and the way I live. I know I am delving into work-life balance and taking Saturdays as “be a person” day. My peers have acknowledged this movement and have only complementary or supportive words to share. Taking things slow and being intentional with these days and with my time has been incredible for my mental health and sustainability. If anything, I am learning more about myself in this new chapter in my life and I am building up my courage and confidence over time. I believe that I am learning how to trust myself, and trust others too. If anything, this life is a journey, not to sound cliché, and noticing is part of the learning. I have a sense of MY WHY, but I will elaborate in another blog post.