Asian Heritage Month

Week 111 – May 1, 2022 – My Mom Visited Me

I have a tonne of things to do. Some things are well overdue, but I’m getting to things one task at a time. I did not know that life could be so challenging at times. I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again. Admittedly, it’s a bumpy ride. Keep you ego in check and open your heart to learn, forgive, and surrender. It’s a little weird for me to be writing this blog entry and it’s on Week 111. I say that because when I do see series of ones on my phone, for example, I think it’s my mom. So here we are at 111.

This week was a struggle for me for many reasons and it seemed like everything was happening at once. I was overwhelmed and had so many tasks to get done. Lots of what had to get done depended on the inside work I had to do to get the outside work done. I’m not talking about indoors and outdoors, but rather the work that I had to do with my mind and spirit. My heart was heavy but opted to enter the week with my chin up and tried my best to face what the universe had to offer. I was not envious or jealous. I was not angry or frustrated. I was feeling more uncertain and unclear.

You think that you can hide how you are feeling, at least, that’s what I thought I was doing. I was doing my best to be open and approach the world with a smile. It was so good to see folks from out of town. Some were familiar faces while others were new. I realized how much I loved connection and being with people. I had a huge need to BELONG. I even googled that to see what my personality type felt about belonging. Even though I have a rough or shiny veneer, deep down inside I need community.

I have community in different places, but more recently am acknowledging that I am not a part of a community in other places. I could be self-sabotaging or just hiding myself from the world, but belonging has been tapping my shoulder and in small ways have been receiving messages affirming that this might be true. It was a heavy week and I could barely keep things together. I even brought my computer with hopes of getting work done at the conference, but I never opened it up once.

Over the last few days, we had people at the university visiting my program. One part I participated in actively and another part took a step back and participated only. Both parts felt good and I have to notice and recognize that. In the latter part, I navigated the conference as a learner (carrying my laptop around). I felt like every conversation, presentation, and interaction I had was meant to happen. It was like people were talking to me, but about the same thing. It was informing and weird.

The common theme was mom. By the afternoon, I opted to go to another workshop that was different from the one I signed up for. We sat in circle and I just wanted to cry. I was smudged earlier in the day, but that afternoon I was called to be in that room. The right people were there in the circle at the right time. I could not let my sadness out. My inner strength (or fear) kept many of my tears inside. I felt like the person leading the circle was talking to me. The words hit me so deeply. Words around the circle caught my attention too. Kiwi birds, wings to fly, and belonging.

It was a powerful day for me and was affirmed by another person in the circle that they felt an energy around me. A positive force with lots of good to come. They told me privately that they were receiving messages and images that this energy was proud of me. There was a lot more said, but all I could say was, it was my mom. Still from the other side, she is trying to guide me. She is my biggest cheerleader. I am so grateful to those who are able to translate those messages to me. I really needed it that day. The event ended and my day concluded with lots of laughs and beading.

What I have learned is, you can’t hide. People can see you. My self-doubt was getting the best of me. It was winning, but with all those I chatted with in the last week (including my mom) has opened a door for me that I could not see. I am walking through that door. My heart is full and I can only do the best I can do. I need to belong and accept myself for who I am so that I can realize my gifts. Thank you creator and all those who were part of my day that day. It was April 28, 2022.

What a wonderful way to enter this week with celebrating Asian Heritage Month. I am so proud of my mom and the strength she gives me. And, I am so grateful for all those who are in my community. I needed your strength to understand my place.