Wholeheartedness

“Let ourselves be seen.” – Brene Brown

What an internal struggle.  It has deeply affected my life and will continue to do so until it’s completed.  I am talking about my dissertation.  I’ve been in a holding pattern for several years and made life decisions to give myself space to think and rethink about what I am trying to accomplish.  More than a dozen revisions of my proposal and I’m back at the research question.  Humbling?  Yes.  Disheartening?  No.  I am challenged by what I really want to know and why.  Furthermore, I want to move forward with my research without “hurting” anyone… whatever that means.  I am cognizant of what I would like to address, but uncertain how to go about it.  As a result, nothing gets done.  The upside is, I am learning.  I am learning more about education but also more about myself.  I am scared to show others what I think.   I can’t control the outcome.  I can’t “be perfect” as a rookie-researcher.  I can’t hide from others.  I need to be vulnerable with my research and be open to how things will unfold.  No more pretending.  To experience the joy of research, is to also experience the heartbreak of failure.  This is the underpinning of Brene Brown’s research and wholeheartedness.  I can no longer numb the pain, fear, disappointment, and shame.  To truly succeed, I am open, vulnerable, and authentic.  This is what I’ve been striving for all along. #movingforward #feelinggood #gratitude #joy