Who Am I?

Week 31 (of 38) – April 23 to 26, 2019

I’ve returned home to Sechelt and I’m staying longer than 1-2 days. Yay me!!! I would say to others that I’m doing the “reverse commute” back to Prince George. I will have to admit that being away from home and my family longer than 2-3 weeks, I’d be home sick. My last stint away from home was about 4-weeks, if not longer, and it was riddled with many challenges, obstacles, and complications. I’m not sure why it has to be so difficult, but it apparently is. As a result, I feel that I am faced with some important decisions.

This will not be an easy blog to write. At least, I’m not anticipating it will be easy to write. This week I was faced with situations that I had to think about deeply and consider my trajectory in my pedagogical journey. I feel that I spent the last 10 years rebuilding myself and restoring who I am as an educator and person. I am still on this journey. What does it mean to be a learner? What does it mean to be authentic in what I do as an educator? What does it mean to listen to my intuition and follow my path? This is what I try to convey as a teacher educator. These are not easy questions to answer for oneself.

I am in paralysis. I have a tonne of work to do and I can’t even open up an email. I am faced with these questions in full force such that my purpose that I have set out for myself in the last few years have disappeared. I don’t feel it anymore. Something happened, like a switch. It was once on and now it’s off. I am really considering what my purpose is. Who am I? I find myself in a place of uncertainty such that it’s beyond uncomfortable. I am called to action. Returning home is influencing my current state of mind. I am a coastal girl. I am also a mom and wife. I am meant to be here but I took my people, place, and land for granted. I had to be somewhere else to realize this.

As much as I look around for “the answer,” my friend made it known to me that “I already know” the answer. That spooked me out. I already know the answer? I guess so, I suppose. One has to dig deep to reveal the answer to oneself and others. On the one hand, it’s easy to do the status quo and what you think others expect you to do. But, it’s not that easy. How long can one live not aligned to who they are?  You have to know who you are to make good choices. I also believe that life presents you with lessons to learn. Although it may come to you in different contexts, it will keep presenting itself to you until you learn it. I feel that I’ve been here before and I am presented with a choice to make.

I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to discourage others. I don’t want to make the “wrong” decision. In the end, I have to be honest with myself. It’s a moment for truth telling. And apparently, I already know the answer. It’s been a weeklong struggle and I have work to do. I will keep you updated in terms of what I have decided. Stay tuned.