Strong Start 2023

Week 148 – January 14, 2023 – It’s 3:30am and Can’t Sleep

It’s only 2-weeks into the new year and it’s been a whirlwind. There are no words to describe the unbalance I have been experiencing but I can only notice this now when I had the joy and privilege of “deliberate rest” over the winter break. It’s very clear to my that I am off-set from my natural homeostasis and the return to work and regular live has tampered with my restful equilibrium and the universe is challenging me.

I went to bed early last night. No curling. Had a Costco dinner with a friend. You’d think I would still be in bed, but I can hear my kid talk to her friends (who I suspect are online) with her full and boisterous voice. I can see now why she gets mad at me when I’m up late and she can’t sleep when I am. The tables have turned. I’m up. To try to go to bed, I watched a few videos of Tik Tok, but to no avail. Might as well blog.

So here I am, with a plate of pork dumplings, in the middle of the night blogging about Week 148 in my #pandemicreflections. It might as well be tomorrow, but I’m within my tiger time to write. The weird part is, I normally stay up to write during my tiger time (i.e., 1-4 am) in a half sleepy state NOT listening to my kid talk to her friends. And, normally the writing would be academic and I would by lying in bed.

I guess those are the details, but I do like writing in the middle of the night. Nothing is happening and my thoughts are very clear. This way of being is nowhere near what Ishi suggests (see image). I gave out Ishi postcards to the Teacher Candidates on Thursday before their first teaching experience learning “in situ” with K-7 students. It was a random selection and I said what they select is what was meant for them.

One of the three cards left over was this one… FIND BALANCE. Oh boy, do I see the irony. I’m nowhere near that when I’m blogging at 3:51 am because I can’t go back to sleep (and I’m dreaming about dim sum). It’s a tough go, but you know that life is good when this is my problem in life. 2023 started strong. Not only was I jumping into work life again, but I was presented with opportunities of standing up and letting go.

I missed a few meetings, I advocated for a student, and I advocated for myself. I asked for advice and invited tough conversations. I fell behind on a few things, stayed up late to meet deadlines, and with every moment attempted to speak my truth, remain authentic to me and others, and noticed when things were going well (or not). Finally, I learned this week that my divorce is in effect as of January 16, 2023. I’ll be single.

Hmm. This weekend will be my last couple of days of being married. As mentioned in my last blog, the entire process took 3.5 years and about $7500 in lawyer fees, and this was an amicable divorce. I cannot imagine what it would be like if people were fighting or not agreeing what was a fair settlement. Geez. And lots has happened in my life over the last few years that I am landing in a new place and I feel great.

I feel like the recent events and conversations over the last two weeks were mini-tests or “formative assessments” to see if I am ready to be on my own. I think I passed. I stayed true to myself and others. I was vulnerable to ask for help. I got help and truly grateful. I remained authentic to my students, colleagues, and practice. And, I know what I want for me and next steps to get there. I’ve been taking care of myself.

Ok. So there are dips and turns on this pedagogical journey… always. And I perceive that the last 2-weeks may have been challenging, or at least, not a smooth or easy start. But what I will say is, I am standing strong. I feel good about who I am. I have clarity with my intentions, goals, and next steps. And, I’m kinder, gentler, and more compassionate with myself and in return with others. I respect and love who I am.

In a way, I can say that I am balancing. Balance is not static. It is in constant motion. The goal is to remain centred and happy. I was just talking to my friend tonight (i.e., last night… lol) and thought, it’s not about looking over there where the grass is green and thinking that life would be better over there. It’s more about looking at where you are and doing what it takes to make the grass green. There is not perfect.

I am feeling balanced and I am able to recognize when I am off balance, but I know who to respect and love myself to get back on balance. For this, I am happy. I am going to enjoy every moment and not resist change or control what is. TRUST. That resonated with me last week and I made 2 perfect curling shots. Immediate feedback. I am thinking about how to celebrate January 16th. A new day, a new chapter.