Readiness
I could never see it for myself until a couple of days ago. I’m still in a mild state of shock. I know that I have announced to “the world,” shall we say, that I am a doctoral candidate… but for the longest time, I never believed it. For example, it took me a whole year after the fact to share with others that I had completed my doctoral coursework and successfully passed my comprehensive exam. Furthermore, I struggled with the whole idea of my dissertation. I wanted to change the world… with one paper. I had so much “passion” (aka. edu-frustration) for my research problem that I could not get past the problem. This, in itself, is a problem. I had to step away from everything to regain perspective. In doing so, I had to change my purpose… my raison d’etre for pursuing a doctorate degree. I thought this cognitive shift would take a mere 5 months to accomplish. Nope. It has taken 5 years. Now, I understand that my dissertation is not my life’s work, but only the beginning of it. I wasn’t ready.
For years, I was not ready to pursue my research in a serious way, but I was not ready to walk away from my research either. I am passionate about mathematics education, professional learning, and educational leadership. Finally, I can grasp the idea that my dissertation is only a door that I have to open. There will be many more doors ahead. Everything that happened was meant to happen. My job right now is to answer my ONE research question… and not the 1000 other questions that are seemingly related. Right now, it’s about honing in my research skills and academia to learn what I am suppose to learn to get to my life’s work. This is the exciting part. I know that I am not motivated by the extrinsic goods. Albeit, good. It’s just not good enough. It’s the goods internal (MacIntyre, 1984) that I strive for. What’s my why? It was only 2 days ago, that I was able to see it, feel it, and believe it. Visualization is a powerful tool. My passion is provoked. I will no longer accept pretending, hiding, or being a passenger on this pedagogical journey. I am determined to complete. I am ready.