How are you doing?

At the start of Week 8, I am feeling anxious and fearful. This is not a great place to be when I need to face my fears in my work and in self. The pandemic life is not helping. I know in big picture I am well and safe, but what I am wondering about is, will I make it back to Sechelt for Mother’s Day on May 10th or make it back to be with my kid on her birthday on May 29th? Sigh. Will I have the personal strength to address my demons with academic writing? Will I even be a viable candidate for tenure-track? UGH. My heart aches as I am in this state of mind. Was this all worth it? So much sacrificed and for what? I am having an existential moment. What’s really important to me? Why does it matter? And, so what? I will admit, being in social isolation and physically distancing myself from others, I am learning more about myself. I am not sure that I am entirely enjoying what I am learning about myself, but this is an opportunity to unpack what brings us joy and what provokes fear in us. I’ve been wrestling with the path I have taken so far. In some ways, I had no idea that I would be where I am, yet when I look back, it seems like a straight line. It’s confusing sometimes and I wonder if I am meant to be where I am or be somewhere else. I guess there are short term goals and long term goals, so I would assume that I am meant to be here and somewhere else. I am back to TRUST again. Tough one for me. It’s taken a lifetime to identify it, understand it, and develop it… and sadly, I am still learning. I also have to learn how to trust myself. It’s insane. Trust in others. Trust in destiny. Trust in self. The real question is, why do I distrust? What am I worried about? Why does it matter? As you can see, I am deep in an existential frame of mind. Not sure why it matters, but this is where I start Week 8 of the pandemic. Overall, I am safe. I am healthy. I have nothing to complain about. I am good.

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