Gave Birth

I love this picture of my baby… from 14-years ago. Look at her little hands and monster feet… and her itty bitty nose. Super cute. I must admit, giving birth was the toughest thing I had to do EVER in my life. There were not enough prenatal classes for me to make this a natural and straightforward experience. I pushed like no one has pushed before (i.e. popping several blood vessels in my eyes… it was not pretty). She was suppose to be born on the 28th… and yes, she was born on the 29th. I was not prepared for this.

Completing my dissertation was a probably the second most difficult thing I have ever experienced (thus, giving birth still takes first place). Instead of being pregnant for 9-months, I was a doctoral student for 9-years. Ugh. As much as I wanted the dissertation to finish, I thought that the process would never end. I can see why giving birth and completing a dissertation are similar. You have something growing inside you… you write and revise it to finally defend it (aka. you’re working through the contractions and finally pushing)… and voila, you finally submit the “real” final draft of your dissertation to the university library (aka. your beautiful baby is placed into your arms). Now what?

When my daughter was born, I remember thinking that now I have someone completely dependent on me. My mind had shifted. I was someone else. I had unrealistic expectations of returning back to the person I was before she was born. That was a weird place to be. It was much like denial, in many ways. Maybe it was. Well, that’s how I feel about my dissertation. I have an obligation, a message to share about teaching and learning. However, I must admit, I catch myself looking on the Make a Future website focussed on the math teaching positions believing that’s where I am suppose to be.

Even today at the shoe store, I bumped into two former colleagues who congratulated me on completing my doctorate. I thanked them, but the classic follow up question of “what’s next” came up. I would like to believe I’m in a crossroads, but really, I think I’m in denial. I know that I love to teach math, but that’s where I came from. It’s not that I am walking away from it, but really it’s what I have learned from it that matters and what I can do with that information to help with student learning. I love data analysis (more than I should) and I love looking for and finding patterns in the context of K-12 education.

I have another study to complete… and policy to review and revise for two organizations. These are opportunities I cannot pass up or overlook. Furthermore, I am teaching at the university, learning from my experiences, and sharing those experiences with prospective teachers. That’s more than what I had hoped for. I love teaching and the creativity that’s involved with it. I enjoy research and the idea of being published gets me super excited. As much as I think that being back in the math classroom is a “solution,” the reality is, I’m preparing for the next step. It’s not going to be an easy one, nor will it be straightforward and immediate. I’m starting all over again and it’s OK to be at a NEW beginning.

I am not the same person and I don’t understand why there is a part of me that wants to be. The future is unpredictable, but what I have to come to grips with is, I am an “academic entrepreneur.” I’m not sure if I’m coining this term, but I am an academic and I need to create, sell, and promote my ideas. This is where creativity, vulnerability, and courage are essential to my future success. Now that’s scary. But if I really want to honour where I came from (aka. teaching secondary math), then I need to forge forward and take the entrepreneurial leap, make partnerships, and embark on new research. Much like my baby, my research will grow and develop over time, but also it will get better.