Giving Birth
Awe. I love this photo. This is the first picture of our daughter on the day that she was born. She’s absolutely beautiful. I love her to bits. Let’s not talk about everything that led up to this special day. Morning sickness, excessive weight gain, and pre-diabetes symptoms are a few unexpected joys of my pregnancy. This is not to mention all of the wonderful experiences during childbirth.
I went to prenatal classes with my husband, but I had no idea what to expect when my water broke. What I can say is, it was messy, painful, and took longer than expected. My favourite memory of giving birth was… “you’re not trying”… “you have to go around the corner”… and “one more time.” Translation… I was not pushing hard enough, I did not pay attention to lesson 3 of pre-natal, and I had to endure many rounds of contractions without pushing. Furthermore, she was born one day later than I expected. So why am I telling you this? Giving birth was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Writing my dissertation is a very close second. The learning experience is feeling ironically familiar and it might take longer than expected.
I have induced labor… on my dissertation. My first draft was completed, but I have recently learned that I have to “kick it up a notch” to get it to a place where it is defensible. Deep down inside, I knew that it needed a bit of work but having someone tell you that it needs editing, updating, and a bit more grit is much like the nurse who said to me, “you’re not trying (hard enough).” She had a good point. Mind you, when I did push harder, I felt like I made progress and bursted multiple blood vessels in both eyes. It was not a pretty scene, but the baby was born. I am willing to push… harder. Second realization, I do have a team of people supporting me to make my dissertation happen, but much like child birth, the only person who can make this happen is ME. No one else is pushing… but me. I have moments of wanting to give up and keep this ‘baby’ inside but that would be unreasonable. It’s gotta come out!
What will have I have to do to get this done? I have to endure some pain. I have to be vulnerable. And, I have to accept help from others. Giving birth to my dissertation, I will have to undergo several revisions. I am ready. Next, I have to be OK with the idea that I’m not the best academic writer. Reading and writing has been a lifelong fear, weakness, and personal limitation. The dissertation is calling this to question and I must face this deficit wholeheartedly and ‘get around the corner.’ I have made progress with my reading and writing, but I have to take blog writing into academic writing. In order to achieve this, I need to ask for help. The university has several services to offer and my supervising team can give some guidance, but I need to hire an editor: one to get me to my next draft and another to my final draft.
You can visit me in the maternity ward while I am in dissertation labour. I might be busy and don’t expect it to be pretty. It will be messy and painful. I am expecting plenty of rounds of contractions, lots of screaming, and multiple positions experienced to get this baby out. BTW: I did not have an epidural when I gave birth to my daughter. It was all natural with the help and support of many experts in the field. The dissertation will be the same. Giving birth will be a relief, an accomplishment, and joyful… knowing that this is not the end, but a new beginning. I look forward to life with my ‘new baby’ as Dr. Younghusband, but until then, let the labour begin.