Finding Self
As we approach the end of the term and the end of the week, it’s now time to blog. I promised last week that I would return to weekly blogging habits. I made a commitment and here I am. I was hoping to blog every Friday, but as you can see… it’s Saturday. The COVID-19 pandemic as thrown off my biorhythms, or aligned them, because now I sleep from 4am to noon. There is no question that we are living in an unprecedented time. It’s Easter long weekend and this would have been a time when I would go back to the Sunshine Coast to be with my daughter or be frantically marking papers so that I can end the term ASAP then return back to the Sunshine Coast ASAP, the other half of my life. I am still marking papers… not as frantically… I am still in Prince George, but I submitted ALL of the paperwork for practicum. That was a feat in itself. I am so happy that it is the long weekend to slow down and take a moment to reflect, be grateful, and wonder.
I started blogging almost 10-years ago. That’s when I left teaching in K-12 schools and started rediscovering and redefining my identity. I also wanted to practice how to write. My blogs are a lot longer now and I people compliment my work. Mission accomplished. Currently, I am in the middle of reading Parker Palmer’s book – The Courage to Teach – the 20th Anniversary Edition (because I can’t sleep) and I feel like he is telling me my story. I cannot put the book down. I give a version of the first chapter of this book to my Teacher Candidates to read. It is powerful work and my practice today is guided by his work. I am looking at this book through a new lens and I can see that I have been developing my “inner landscape” for the last 10-years. I get this now. Many of my past blog entries speak about my PEDAGOGICAL JOURNEY and how I was navigating through it. I had no idea then. I have to experience it, experiment, and be patient. Whatever I want for my students, I have to want for myself because “you teach who you are.”
When I left teaching, I felt broken. I was misaligned to the system, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I struggled for many years in my teaching career. The first 5-years was spent rationalizing my decision of becoming a teacher (because my dad said that women would not make good engineers). I spent the next 5-years completing my masters degree, getting married, and calibrating my career trajectory towards administration. Then, I spent the last 5-years changing my job several times, facing constant fear to advocate for students and student learning, and dashing my dreams of administration and leaving the practice all together. I was so disheartened. Yet, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I needed this disruption to open my eyes to life and education.
From self-employment to school trustee to sessional instructor to assistant professor… and completing my dissertation and doctorate degree somewhere en route were all part of my pedagogical journey. These were not easy times. During this entire time, I wondered… What is this all about? Who am I? Am I good enough? Yes, you can say my pedagogical journey for the last 10-years was in essence “my midlife crisis” but this is something that I think that we all meant to do to reach a place of self-actualization, authenticity, and wholeheartedness. Details of my personal life, the passing of my mom, and being away from my daughter also added to the mix of living in a new city, meeting new friends, and figuring out my new job… while I wondered about what I wanted to do when I grew up.
The pandemic has been a blessing in many ways. I find with all of the chaos and uncertainty, I have arrived to a place of calmness, peace, and certainty. I don’t know how I exactly got here. Parker Palmer’s book is articulating how this has come to be… serendipitously. Is life perfect? No. When will it ever? Not sure. What I do know for sure is, I was meant to be here. What I have learned from my Teacher Candidates over the last two years, I feel, has been integral to my healing, my pedagogical journey, and my deepened understanding of self. I am not pretending anymore. I don’t think I have been over the last 2-years because I had the grace of my students to teach and learn with about the subject matter, this new reality, and my identity and integrity. The disconnection I witnessed with Teacher Candidates during practicum only served as a mirror to me and the disconnection I felt many years ago. From that disconnection, I could only be fearful.
I don’t feel fear the same way anymore. I am more open to what is and I can only continue learning about my identity and integrity from experimenting with life, listening, experiencing, and being patient. I can appreciate the little things and know I am able accomplish anything if I continue to focus on what I value, what I am feeling, and what feels right. My doctoral supervisor said to me (and I am paraphrasing), “you would not have entered the doctorate program if you did not expect to be transformed.” I remember that day so clearly. I was in his office and I achieved a TSN Turning Point in my doctoral research. Everything started to make sense. I am feeling that right now. I am more present. I am more aware. I am more accepting of what is and what will be. I am happy. I can only control me and how I think and feel. That’s it. I am whole. I have no regrets.
The 2019/2020 school year has been exceptional and extraordinary. I wrote about it a few months ago in the new year, but now with the pandemic… that blog entry might have to be revised… or a new one is coming. I’m sure that it will be the latter. This sacred time of #socialisolation and #stayingathome has given me time to consider who I am and so what. I have a lot to be grateful for, but I will end this week’s blog with a photo below of 5-dozen Oatmeal Raisin Cookies… the BEST comfort cookies EVER!!! I never thought I would bake (and enjoy it). I never thought that I would appreciate the silence and living alone. I never thought I would be a Teacher Educator. Look at me!!! There is still much uncertainty on the horizon, but I will take it one day at a time and honour who I am.
