Deliberate Rest

Week 144 – December 19, 2022 – Feeling Better

First of all… I’m late on my weekly blog (and I’m ok with that). I’ve been sick for a couple weeks and it’s the end of term. I had a conference to present at and meetings to attend. I hate that feeling of “shoulding” myself and dragging myself to do things. It’s not a good feeling yet I had thought for years that I was doing a good thing. I was honestly killing myself and going around the clock was not healthy or helpful.

Second, I’ve been somewhat bewildered by Twitch’s suicide and how it is consuming social media. It reminds me of how I felt when Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade died. I wonder about how horrible they all must have felt inside to end their life. They must have been hurting. Mental health and wellbeing are so fragile. With the economy, pandemic, and leading life to it’s fullest, happiness hangs on a thread.

Third, I am learning about what makes me happy and feeling like I have the agency to do what I think is right for me without jeopardizing the system, deadlines, or other people’s lives in a negative way. It’s been a blissful feeling this holiday season to think that the only person I’m taking care of is me. It’s kind of refreshing and liberating. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I’m not concerned about what people think.

Finally, I am focusing on me and my wellness. I am feeling joyful and content. I am doing what makes me happy. I am so grateful to be living with my kid, but I am also happy about her independence. I love working with my students and I am learning more about learning (and research). I’m following the mantra of “one step at a time.” What’s wonderful about this is, no shaming… no guilt. I am doing the best I can.

We are a handful of days away from Christmas and I’m going to enjoy my first winter break spending the time with myself. This time of not running around and enjoying my space and place is cup filling. I am enough and I truly feel that way. It’s been a journey so far to get where I am today but I have no regrets. I have never felt better and I feel like my best years are just ahead of me. Goodbye 2022 and Hello 2023.