De-Railed

I am so grateful to have people in the field who I trust and confide in to share my thoughts and beliefs about education with. I am also very fortunate to have people around me who will tell me about their thoughts and feelings about education. It is extremely difficult to reflect on one’s practice, beliefs, or philosophy on education without practical experience and the formative feedback of others.

I find it strange to reflect on what I say and do without the perspective of someone else. Who is my toughest critic? I am. As much as I appreciate the luxury of engaging in a reflective practice, I need the kindness and honesty of others to provide some perspective on how things really went. Admittedly, I would tend to over dramatize or exaggerate what happened and dwell on the negative over the positive. It’s strange to reflect on what I say and do without the perspective of someone else.

Let me be clear… I do not want to define myself based on other people’s opinions. That would be a life of trying to please others. I feel honoured when someone is willing to listen but also share their thoughts on the situation without judgement. I hope that I can do the same for others. Lately, I’ve been reminiscing about “my story” of leaving teaching in public schools in pursuit of other edu-adventures, which included completing my dissertation and spending time with my daughter.

I am fascinated how we are guided by our own stories and beliefs. On the one hand, I believe that we are able to do anything. On the other hand, I believe that we create our own limitations. This is the struggle. We can move forward but also move back. I am struck with curiosity when I was compelled to share my story. It happened twice and now three times with this blog. Why does it matter? Have I not let go of these old thoughts and beliefs? Or am I just working through the last bits to move on?

The first time I started sharing my story, once again, I felt ashamed. I did not intend to share my story. I did not want to taint the image that this person had of me. Soon after the conversation I wanted to take back my words, but caught myself and wondered why should I. The second time I found myself sharing my story and asked for feedback. The person responded to my story by saying that I was DE-RAILED.

I never thought that I was de-railed… but in hindsight, I guess was. I remember telling a colleague of mine that if I ever felt that I was teaching just for the money, then it was time to leave. Unfortunately it was a slow erosion of my purpose and passion. I had to leave. The strangest part was that I had my best classes, meaning… all was going great that year… except for me. I was tired of changing job assignments for year to year and advocating for students to the extent of losing my job.

Something had to give. I was a mom (and felt I was missing out on my child’s learning experiences), I was a doctoral student (and struggled with the reading and writing), and I was a teacher (and department head working full-time). It was crazy juggling all three balls in the air, I had to walk away from one. I was burning out and on my 40th birthday I made the decision that I could not do this anymore. My cup was empty. I was not physically or mentally well. I lost my way. I had to quit my job.

So what? Why am I even blogging about this… again? Well… good things come in three. Second, I feel immense gratitude for those whom I have met in the last 6 years who restored my love for education. I am ALIGNED. I know my purpose and passion. I have a deeper understanding of BC education that I would never had understood before and I have a PLN that I am like-minded and connected to. I feel like I am part of a learning community (on Twitter and beyond) where my cup is filled.

I love professional learning. My dissertation is almost complete. And, I love the teaching and learning process in the context of mathematics education, assessment & evaluation, and curriculum development. I love how I am curious and engaged. I want to learn more. I am also convinced of the difference school boards make on student learning with governance, policies, and strategic planning. I love how I am involved in BC public education as a school trustee. Furthermore, I am happy to be connected to my child’s learning experiences in and out of school and humbled by the teaching/learning process as a sessional instructor and workshop facilitator.

Yes. I was de-railed. I’ve explored. I ventured out and tried new things to figure out my new trajectory. All things that happened were meant to happen and all things that I have learned are preparing me for what’s next. All I can say is THANK YOU. Thank you to all those who supported me, lifted me, and seen me for who I am and what I have to offer. Thank you to all those who left me, questioned me, or doubted me. You too have influenced how I have proceeded in my pedagogical journey and by leaving, you have created space for others to enter into my life. For that, I am grateful.