Christine Ho Younghusband

Adjudicated

Have you ever been evaluated and didn’t know it? 

I am not talking about being judged by someone and not knowing what he or she is thinking about you.  What I am refering to is being “adjudicated” or judged by others who are camouflaged within the audience you are presenting to.  Yup.  That happened to me during the EGSA (Education Graduate Students Association) Seminar Series on September 7, 2011.

First of all, I am pleased with myself about “taking the risk” of writing a 250 word abstract and submitting it to a blind peer review panel to be judged with hopes of being selected for the EGSA Seminar Series.  I had no expectations.  Being chosen with one other classmate to launch off the event for the fall session was an honour and a surprise.

Second, I looked forward to presenting parts of my research to other Faculty of Education graduate students.  I was unexpectedly challenged with the feedback from my supervisors and what I had submitted in my initial abstract a month prior.  I had to blend the two parts.  Furthermore, I had an opportunity to use what I learned in the Instructional Skills Workshop.

Third, I was unshaken by the experience of creating and presenting a 30-minute PowerPoint to my peers in front of a live feed that is 100% accessible online by ANYONE.  I had no fear.  That in itself was a good feeling and receiving positive feedback after the presentation from audience members affirmed to me that I’m on the right track with my research.

What took me a back was the email I received yesterday.  I got an email from the EGSA president with reviews from three anonymous adjudicators about my Seminar Series presentation.  I had NO CLUE that I was being judged by others in a “formal way” to provide me with constructive feedback about what they had witnessed during my presentation.

In public education, I was never evaluated for my teaching performance except during my first year of teaching in 1994.  At that time, I was informed about when I was going to be evaluated and I knew who was evaluating me.  Moreover, after my teacher evaluation I had a private meeting with my vice-principal about what went well and what I needed to work on.

Anyway, I loved it.  Receiving the email one week later with written feedback about my presentation was AWESOME.  Much like the Instructional Skills Workshop, I am more critical about myself compared to those evaluating me.  All three adjudications were generally positive and each of them expressed interest in my research topic.  Aside from speeding up near the end of the presentation due to time constraints… I did pretty good.  

Reassurance

Self-doubt can be a killer.  When your self-talk starts to turn on you… and you begin to hear things like… “Who are you kidding?  What makes you so special?  Why are you bothering?”  It’s time to take a moment… and STOP.  In high performance sport, athletes would wear elastic bands on their wrists.  When the mind and heart begin to drift… SNAP IT.

That’s what I did today.  SNAP.  You’d think I took a big step last year, leaving my full-time teaching position to pursue my academic career as a full-time doctoral student.  Nope.  You are mistaken.  I’ve been taking multiple leaps and leaving my teaching career in public education was just the beginning.  I am self-employed as a private educator and professional development workshop provider.  I am learning what life is like on the World Wide Web by blogging, maintaining a website, and social networking.  I am embracing life as an academic… presenting my paper, researching, writing, and taking the bus.  Best of all, I get the opportunity to take care of my family, cook dinners at home, and sleep 8 hours a day.

All good things… then blahhhhh.  The self-doubt train arrives.  Who’s reading your blog.  Your research is not relevant.  No one wants your business.  The food you make tastes blahhhhh.  Honestly, this self-talk is not good for the mind or heart.  As a result, I begin to second guess.  Should I apply back to public education to teach?  Should I stop researching and get a real job?  Should I just eat a bag-of-chips (BOC) and call it a day?  Blahhhh…

A bad case of the “shoulds” can kill a person.  It’s not a good place to be.  Looking back is a dead zone and yet I continue to glance behind me to see what’s back there.  Let me tell you, there’s not much to report.  I don’t know why I choose to punish myself with these periodic thoughts of “What are you thinking,” but it happens.  SNAP.  I need to get out of it.

Then, someone said to me… “Are you still blogging?  You are a good writer.”  Really?  That was a really nice thing to say.  When someone says something like that, it dispels all of my false beliefs about my writing skills and whether or not my blog is worthwhile.  Someone else then says, “I miss you.  You are a great teacher.  Go big or go home.  You are worth it.”  SNAP.  I feel good.  Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of reassurance. 

Chexican

The term “Chexican” comes from the Scotiabank commercial where a man and a woman are making a decision.  To make decisions, they would flip a coin.  The coin would not land on either heads or tails, but on it’s side.  They flipped the coin again to decide where to go for lunch… Chinese or Mexican… in the end, they decided on “Chexican.”

I often wonder why decisions have to be dichotomous, to be one or the other but never both?  Honestly, I want it all… both sides… smooshed together.  I love what I am doing as a full-time graduate student, but wished I could work full-time too.  No can do.  I love teaching, but I also love leadership.  I love living on the Sunshine Coast, but opportunities may be in the Lower Mainland.  The list of choices goes on… finding the best of two worlds.

Take a risk and trust… or keep with the status quo and feel secure.  This is an ongoing battle and all that I wish for is CHEXICAN.  What I do know is that I am 100% behind public education and I am motivated by my deep desire to support student learning.  What I am not sure about is how I get there, where I am going, and will I feel good when I get there.

Looking Forward

Well Bloggies… I have officially decided to write a weekly Blog entry… or maybe biweekly entries if inspiration merits it.  As much as I love writing in my blog, I need to stay focused on what’s ahead of me.  It’s funny.  As I write this, I have a feeling that my blog entries my occur daily anyway but I will not “beat myself up” or “blow a sweat” if I don’t get to writing something every day in the Blog that may be relevant or worthwhile to you or me.

This is me LOOKING FORWARD.  I love writing about Assessment for Learning (AFL).  Giving Assessment for Learning workshops to secondary school teachers is fun, challenging, and rewarding.  I see myself as a edu-catalyst to policy implementation.  In October 2011, I am presenting a workshop at the BC Association of Mathematics Teachers (BCAMT) provincial conference about AFL and the 21st Century in Burnaby, BC.  I am honored to have the opportunity to present to secondary mathematics teachers about AFL.

Second, I look forward to my new position at Simon Fraser University (SFU) as Site Assistant for one of the Masters of Education cohorts starting in September 2011.  I feel lucky to be selected as a helper and mentor to the Educational Leadership K-12 Surrey Cohort.  The welcoming of new students will be held on September 30th.  I am excited about meeting the students and faculty; and stoked about what I have to offer and what I am going to learn.  I like the reciprocity of learning and teaching that are embedded in this position.

Third, I am continuing to write my dissertation with increased verve and interest.  With each revision, I am learning, fine-tuning, and targeting my research question to produce a cohesive and comprehensible dissertation looking at how non-mathematics subject specialist teachers (NMSST) learn on the job as practicing secondary mathematics teachers.  I look forward to completing my fifth revision of my comprehensive proposal and apply for ethics next month to begin collecting data in the fall.  In the meantime, I am a volunteer tutor at Capilano University and I tutor privately to high school math/science students.

Finally, blogging gives me the opportunity to share my experiences, learning, and gratitude for all that I have.  I acknowledge that I have many things on the go and I am grateful.  This is not to mention I am a mom, wife, and avid curler.  I like to take opportunities to spend time with my family, go curling, or even paddle in a canoe to connect with friends, family, and colleagues.  My connection with others is instrumental to my success and happiness.  I am so fortunate to have so many supportive people in my life.  I could not be where I am today without you all.  So please, continue to encourage me, kick me it in butt, or provide friendly reminders why I am LOOKING FORWARD.  Looking back only slows me down.

Attitude of Gratitude

Bloggies… an attitude of gratitude not only helps perpetuate “more good” but it shifts your perspective or way of thinking to only see “more good.”  I have very much to be thankful for.  I am especially grateful for my family and extended family, friends and colleagues, and all those who share their support and kindness.  Today’s blog entry celebrates WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL with my Top 10 List of Thank You’s for September 9, 2011. 

10.  It was a beautiful hot sunny day… great weather for learning.
9.  Walked my daughter to school while she rode her bike.
8.  Stayed for the assembly to find out who my daughter’s teacher is.
7.  Chatted with former students, now moms, at the elementary school.
6.  Collaborated with a study-buddy over homemade muffins and coffee.
5.  Talked about Assessment for Learning with a colleague.
4.  Having good friends who are willing to drive me to and from places.
3.  Arrived to my daughter’s school early to walk her back home after school.
2.  Engaged in an intellectual tutoring session with an adult learner.
1.  Ate dinner with my daughter, without the TV on, talking school. 

Make your own list.  Do it daily.  It’s fun, rewarding, and gratifying.  Happy weekend.

SFU EGSA Fall 2011 Seminar Series

What an amazing experience.  First of all, I had no idea was the EGSA Seminar Series was all about.  It is a new phenomena at SFU.  EGSA means “Education Graduate Students Association.”  If you have not figured it out yet (because it took me many months to adhere to this concept), I am a full-time graduate student at SFU.  Not to describe myself with titles, but I’ve been a “secondary mathematics teacher” for such a long time.  To consider myself as something else is new territory.  I am an education grad student.  So there.

Now that I have embraced the idea of full-time graduate studies (along with small edu-jobs on the side), I have committed myself to embark on opportunities a grad student would consider.  For example, I am going to be one of the Site Assistants at SFU (Surrey) helping out the Masters of Education Educational Leadership K-12 Cohort.  Am I stoked?  Yes I am.  Amongst many other things, aside from working on my dissertation, I submitted an abstract to the EGSA Seminar Series.  I had never written an abstract and it was a great vehicle to sort out my thoughts regarding my dissertation.  I mean, why not?

Not expecting much, I just moved on with my studies, life with family, and paddling in the canoe.  Then, I got the news… I not only got the Site Assistant position, my abstract was blind peer-reviewed and accepted, and I got formative feedback from my committee members.  Wow.  A hat-trick of happiness.  Now what?  With feedback, comes revisions… my paper all of a sudden took a shift from the abstract I had submitted.  My mind was in a mix and found preparing for the EGSA Seminar challenging to say the least.  Biggest question:  What am I presenting?  Present what I had, what I will have, or a mix of both?

Response:  The dissertation is a learning process, so why not embed my learning of the dissertation process with some of the content of my thesis disclosing that “things” have changed.  And, so I did.  I treated or attempted to exemplify to my fellow education grad students my struggles of narrowing my question, what’s my literature review is going to look like, the methodology, and the SO WHAT.  That was the toughest part for me to figure out… what’s the point of my dissertation?  What do I want to get out of it?  Very good questions posed by the audience, committee, and myself.  Bottom line: What’s the point?

Then, it came to me… it’s not about the standardized assessments that worry me, per se, but if the claims of student achievement relies on the content knowledge and pedagogical content knowledge of teachers, then what needs to be seriously considered is how do non-mathematics subject specialists teachers learn ‘on-the-job’ to build their expertise as practicing secondary math teachers.  Knowing this, then school districts can offer programs to support the professional learning of these teachers, thus improve the quality of instruction with hopes of positively affecting student achievement in secondary mathematics.

Thanks for letting me sort that out Bloggies and EGSA.  I would highly encourage others, if you’re like me, to engage in activities such as the SFU EGSA Seminar Series to sort out ideas, present them, and get immediate feedback.  Thank you family, friends, colleagues, and classmates for giving me this learning opportunity.  In return, I have included the link to the live feed of the EGSA event.  I’m about 43 minutes into the video footage…
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/17132778

Bliss

Bliss… that is certainly the theme of the day.  The day begins with a heart to heart with my daughter.  I must admit that this is the best part and the worst part of parenting.  I love my kid to bits and I think she is a good kid.  Sometimes as the parent in the relationship, I have to do some intervention… a learning opportunity for the kid and myself. It was a good chat.  The day proceed with me lugging my commute bag to the school to drop off my kid to start her day off.  She was riding her bike to school.  The nice part was when we lost sight of each other and she encircled the neighborhood to fnd me.  Now that’s LOVE.

After successfully dropping off my kid to school and having a pleasant conversation with a colleague, I caught the bus to start my journey towards the Lower Mainland.  My favorite bus driver picked me up from the bus stop kiddie corner from my kid’s school to bring me to downtown Sechelt.  Then off to the next bus where I saw a couple of girls who are associated with my husband’s workplace.  It’s always a good feeling to see familiar faces.  Saying hello to people on my travels through the Sunshine Coast is a friendly reminder m connectedness to the community.

The bus stops and drops me off to my first destination of the day… BLISS. This is a relatively new coffee shop in Gibsons. I’ve only heard good things about the place, especially the quality of the coffee.  Like most people, I like food and a good cup of coffee.  I would like to consider myself a small town, low budget FOODIE. I ordered the scrambled eggs breakfast with a cup of dark roast. All I can say is YUM.  I sat out side enjoying my yummy food click clacking on my computer.  Is this the Life?  Yes it is, but the best part of this blissful experience is being in good company with friends.  A few of my paddling buddies from Gibsons joined me for coffee. Now, that’s living the life.

Soon enough, it was time to part ways.  Loved seeing my good friends from paddling (and Banjo, the cutest puppy ever) and managed to scoop a ride to the ferry.  My travels continue.  I spent most of the ferry trip working on my SFU EGSA presentation with a little powder on break to freshen up.  Onto the 257 bus with a seemless transition leads me up to very moment of remote blogging on the bus.  This is true Bliss.

The Tipping Point

TRUST and ALLOW has been my new mantra for the last short while.  Often I seem to bounce from idea to idea without letting something stew and grow into it’s fullest potential.

This is like Malcolm Gladwell’s, THE TIPPING POINT, where unsuspecting events escalate exponentially into something unimaginable and wonderful.  Am I approaching a tipping point?

I am beginning to feel this way about my dissertation and my “new” academic/professional adventures.  The momentum is building.  I am getting feedback.  I am driven to write and revise.  I am building my tutoring clientele.  I am taking risks.  I am open to new opportunities.

Today, I just received notice that I got one of the site assistant positions at SFU to work with a Masters of Education cohort at SFU (Surrey) focused on Educational Leadership K-12.  It is a modest beginning but I am 100% stoked about what I am going learn and contribute.

Life is about taking risks and allowing the cards to fall where they should be.  I like the advice I got from my Educ 809 professor who said, “Don’t say no to opportunities, let them say no.”  In the end, if THEY (who ever “they” are) say NO, then nothing changes.  Resume.

If they say yes… accept… trust… allow… Who knows what comes next.  That’s the surprise.

Procrastination

Oh man… who is suffering from procrastination?  I am.  You’d think that it would be due to a lack of interest or a lack of motivation.  I can certainly see one can assume that would be a primary cause for procrastination.  For me, that is not the case.  I could have too many things to do and I’m easily distracted with other things to do (like this blog) as other viable reasons for procrastination.  Unfortunately, my reason for procrastination is FEAR… fear of the unknown and fear of failure.  What a crazy thought… FEAR.  As I begin to jump into new adventures academically, personally, and professionally… I get completely freaked out about what’s to come.  I have lived most of my life in a particular way.  Let’s be honest here… when curling is my sport of choice… I like predictability, strategic outcomes, and teamwork.

In a couple of days I will be presenting at the SFU EGSA (Education Graduate Students Association) Seminar Series.  I need to prep a 20-30 minute presentation for a group of “strangers” that will be broadcasted online.  As much as I am passionate about my topic and I am excited I am about trying something new, I am totally paralyzed by the upcoming event.  I have never presented my academic work publicly and I recently received feedback from my supervisors.  I have shared my doctoral work with acquaintances and I love the fact I got feedback, but I am a little wary about starting off the 2011/2012 seminar series.

I guess all I can do is the best I can, report out my current progress, and make considerations to my thesis after the presentation.  Bottom line, my fear comes from the notion of being judged.  It almost seems like an automatic reaction or embedded conditioning from schooling… perform and get evaluated.  This is very anti-Assessment for Learning.  How ironic.  I know that I am not being evaluated, but an opportunity to share my thoughts to the Faculty of Education academic community.  In turn, I will embrace the EGSA Seminar Series and put myself out there.  I must face my fears and false beliefs… just go for it.

Thank you BLOGGIES for reading and empathizing.  Must go now and prep…

The Canoe

Yesterday, I had the unique opportunity to go paddle with members of the Gibsons Paddle Club who signed up to learn how to steer and skip the canoe.  I feel so fortunate to be invited to participate as an observer and puller.  What was I observing?  I was watching how adults learn.  This was a chance to glean on some ideas that may relate to my dissertation.

OK.  I understand that there are many articles and books that focus on adult learning in addition to many workshops intentionally designed to cater adult learners.  By observing experienced paddlers taking the next step to learn how to skip, I wanted to understand why they were taking the workshop and what they intended to learn from the workshop.

This is what I would call taking the tacit to the explicit.  To take what I do and see and be able to articulate it with a length literature review is my personal challenge that I intend to tackle.  I have engaged in the SFU Instructional Skills Workshop (ISW) as an adult learner, I have presented to Pemberton Secondary as an adult educator, and now I have participated in a steering workshop as an observer.  Three points of view on adult learning, the question is, what do I really want to report on?  This is the underpinning of the research question.

It sounds silly, but I do need to establish a goal or point I wish to obtain with my dissertation.  Although I can report on very interesting and overlapping attributes of adult learning, in general, but how can I relate what I have learned to what I want to research?  This has been my burning question from the start.  My topic is good, my focus could be better.

The canoe has been an awesome learning vehicle for me and my dissertation.  Two years ago, I could not even announce myself as an EdD Candidate until I had participated in Pulling Together.  I was a candidate for more than 7 months.  I could not adhere to the ideas of being an autodidactic learner until I had paddled in 2010.  I could not understand my strengths and weaknesses until I engaged with canoe and my crew members.

Blah, blah, blah… and the story goes on.  There are many lessons to be learned from the Canoe.  I have given only broad generalizations as to how the Canoe benefited my learning… academically, professionally, and personally.  I can only imagine what the Canoe can do to benefit others.  The Canoe is alive and well.  She is a kind spirit always willing to help.