Be Me

Week 137 – October 30, 2022 – Back to Weekly Blogs

It feels great to get back to the weekly blog. You have to spend the time to honour yourself. Dang. It was a super busy week and I am so grateful not to have to blog during the week. I appreciate taking the time to rest and reflect on the week. I’m back to a good place. I don’t know why I second guess myself, but suppose that this is the journey. If anyone is tracking my blogs, I keep flip flopping to find my perfect flow for writing (at least for blogging and reflecting). At first I started blogging to practice my writing and try out a new platform (that could be public, which it is). Then, I used it to discuss moments for reflection in my practice (and learned a thing or two about FIPPA and digital citizenship). My blog primarily focused on my pedagogical journey. I was in a state of transition when I started over 10 years ago. I found that my blog was a means to share but also to sense-make. I continue to do that with the hopes of other people who may read this blog can learn something or just feel inspired.

The blog evolved over time and I was very interested in Ian Landy and George Couros who committed to a daily blog. I’ve tried several times, but never succeeded. I think the only trait that I am doing with respect to the weekly blog is not editing so much. I am blogging right now through an app because I’ve locked myself out of my blog due to the two-step Authenticator. I changed my phone, did not save the settings (I did not know or realize) and lost the cryptic codes in a move. Gah. That was a whirlwind, but happy to continue blogging through the WordPress App and will continue to do so. The reason why I added security to my blog is because bots or hackers are trying to get into my WordPress account. I’m not sure why anyone would want to take control over my blog and website, but I continue to get notifications of failed log ins. It’s sad. But I am super glad because I can’t get in either. Let’s keep all of us locked out.

Over the last 10+ years, I quit my job teaching math in K-12, I became a school trustee, I completed my doctorate degree, my mom passed away, I got a new job, and I moved cities leaving my kid in the Lower Mainland with my husband at the time. I wanted to give higher education a shot and I remember feeling the constant uncertainty, judgement, and rejection. I was an interesting, disruptive, and very transitional time for me. Lots of things were happening around me and I was never sure what was happening, but wanted to do a good job. The transition was a handful. Over the last few years, COVID-19 was an opportunity to pick up my blog and commit to a weekly blog of pandemic reflections, hence it’s Week 137. I’ve been blogging weekly since the pandemic started and wow, I can’t believe it’s been 137 weeks. During this recent blogging journey, I was wrestling with what really important in my life. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity and luxury to reflect (and work) during the pandemic. I don’t even want to look back at those blogs. I’m a different person.

I am so grateful for the pandemic. I got to meet so many people online (via Zoom)… and I met a bunch of amazing people during the FA strike just before the pandemic. Online remote learning was not my favourite thing to do but it was certainly a test of determining what’s really important to me. And now, I’ve just realized… I am not a COVID-19 stat and my marriage ended during the pandemic. It actually ended before. Huh. That was a good realization. I was separated before the strike and before that school year started. If I was really honest, it ended a long time ago but it took a long time to find myself. The weekly pandemic reflections really helped me to decipher what’s really important. My kid is a highlight and my relationship with my mom was integral to who I am and who I want to be. I’ve struggled with my sense of self-worth and my abilities as an educator, parent/wife, and student. I completely moved away from my home of 25-years, my kid moved with me, and I’ve done a lot of work.

The weekly blog continues, much like the pandemic, but I am shifting my aha and I’m just going to be me. I had a weird occurrence that happened to me last week, but what it made me realize is this: (1) I’ve never been happier; (2) I love living with my kid; (3) I love my work; (4) my marriage was toxic; and, (5) I am good enough. The past year 15-months has been amazing and I understand what’s important to me. I have made excellent friends locally, maintained my very friends from the past, and making connections in my field but from other institutions and communities. I realize that some people will not like me or feel threatened by me (for whatever reason), but I also understand now that I can’t control others and I don’t have to be someone different so that I can belong or fit in. I’m not betraying myself anymore. As much as I love community, connection, and collaboration, I am not abandoning myself and be someone who I think people want me to be to be accepted. I can’t.

Just the other day, I told the skip of my curling team (during our game, of course) that I feel like a local. What a good feeling. I feel like I belong… to me… to this place. I say that, but I was also reminded by my good friend that let the work speak for itself. I am not one to brag or gloat. That’s not my way of being, but I am one to share, teach, and create. I’m going to stick to that formula and see where it takes me. What I do know is, by doing so, I am joyful, happy, and peaceful. I need that. I am that. Yay me. So what I am committed to for the upcoming weekly pandemic blogs is to focus on what I am grateful for, what makes me happy, and what brings me joy. I may have done that from time to time in the past, but what I am doing is staying consistent to how I am blogging. I blog based on how I feel. Right now, I feel great so why not?