Bag of Miss Vickie’s

Week 84 – Part 1 – October 20, 2021 – What brings you joy?

Oh my gosh… Foreboding joy… a finding in Brené Brown’s research. Call me a data point. There is no denying that I do this… and I get caught up on the SHOULD’S and what I perceive what I think I SHOULD be doing based on what I think everyone else is doing. Then, I’m not authentic to self. I fear failure. I’m scared of being judged or hurt. All I want to do is HIDE and lay low. You could say that this is the 20-ton shield protecting me from any pain. How can you experience joy when you are too busy numbing your feelings, pretending to be someone else, and not living your best life?

This week has been extraordinary so far. I misstepped in a conversation and unintentionally triggered someone. I felt sick after I got some pushback and sat in that discomfort for most of that day. In another situation, I submitted a paper for publication and received feedback a couple of weeks ago requiring revisions and a second review. I was admittedly avoiding that work and they sent me another email with deadlines and decisions. I did not want to respond. Finally, I’m writing this blog instead of writing something else that’s due tomorrow (with full intentions of writing it after this blog post) because there is a part of me to scared or unwilling to like what I am doing because I fear failure and rejection. Voilà. I’m approaching a hat trick.

What I have learned, given the first two scenarios is… nothing major happens, meaning I was not struck by lightning, I’m alive, and I can move forward. Second, it’s all in my head. I’m not saying that me offending a colleague and having to make major revisions to a paper are not real. That happened. But my perceived level of angst is in my head. I replied back to the journal editor with a commitment and they replied with much enthusiasm back. I apologized for my thoughtless misuse of words and I received grace and forgiveness in return. It reminds me when I dinged a rental car a couple of years ago and I thought of the worst. Instead, I returned the car, signed some forms, and paid a bill for repairs. That’s it. There was no judgement.

As a friend would say to me, “it’s just feedback. The most powerful part of this is what you do with that feedback.” I could not agree more. I could wallow in the angst and fear, foreboding joy, and never be seen. Or, I could just do something about it. In the big picture, what I am doing is “not risky” even though (in my head) I think it is. I started this week with a new attitude and perspective and in return, I got a few lessons to reflect on and learn from. First, I need to give myself some grace. I have a tonne to accomplish and limited time. It’s OK to sleep (although, maybe not tonight to write that paper). It’s OK to eat (and make stuff at home). It’s ok to set boundaries and prioritize  (based on timelines and importance). That’s all I can do… and find the joy.

Second, I have to be OK with what I like and find important (and not try to be anyone else or please other people). I have to be authentic to who I am to thrive (and not burnout). I love being with my kid. I love being a mom. I love being with my students. I love learning with my students. I love my mom and the lessons she’s taught me and continues to teach me. I love STATS and data analysis. I am learning more about my ethnic identity and heritage. EDI is important to me. Participating in system change is important to me. Enhancing student learning experiences are important to me. Leadership, advocacy, and governance are important to me. I love meeting and connecting with people who share a common vision. I love Miss Vickie’s chips.

Finally, to experience joy is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, you have to be seen. This is where I pause for a moment. I was brought to this blog post because I was asked a few questions about “what brings me joy?” I said, being with my kid, watching “Somebody Feed Phil,” and eating Miss Vickie’s Original Recipe Chips. All three are TRUE. Love them all and how they make me feel. But this week I made a commitment to be myself. That’s it. I created boundaries around myself that have been forming over time during the pandemic and I think that I’m in a good place to see where these boundaries lie. Dang. I deleted a whole bunch of YouTube videos of me from the Winter Term because I could not stand “having myself out there.” Some regret, but now I need to get into the reading, writing, research world. It’s time. No fear.