Week 116 – June 5, 2022 – Sustainability and Joy
After almost working 4-years at the university, this has been my first May and will be my first June living in Prince George. I am mesmerized by the weather change, pollen from the Cottonwood trees, and sea of dandelions while the grass turns green. I’ve been settling in to living here full time and by August will make a full year. I am so glad that my daughter decided to move up north with me and live together with me.
For the past 10-months, I’ve been learning a new way of being and flow to life. It’s has not been a smooth or straightforward journey, but it is one that I am carving out for myself. This agency is new for me. I just finished the second season of Bridgerton yesterday and the first season last week. No guilt. No shame. Just joy. Watching those shows were just for me. It was much better than the short clips seen on Facebook.
Yesterday, I took the day to rest (even though I had intentions of catching up on work). All I did was sleep. My body needed the rest, not just my mind. As I remind myself but also the students I teach that REST is part of the productivity plan. I would not have believed that a few months ago, but the more time I take for deliberate rest, the more able and willing I am to get things done (i.e., email, reports, meetings, etc.).
Rest was a tough lesson for me to learn. I think that I spent most of my life trying to prove my worth and value without taking the time to pause and reflect on what I have to offer to the world. I am reminded from time to time, but unwilling to hear what’s being said. I don’t believe it, thus compels me to work harder, but for what? The harder I work does not get me closer to where I want to be, but actually further.
I take on too many things such that I can’t get anything done. It’s awful and feels horrible. Being in the service of others is great, but what about me. My mentors say, “research is me-time” and “be selfish” or “no one is looking out for you but you.” Gulp. I’m listening but trying to make sense of all of this. Much of my life, personally and professionally, has been trying to life up to other people’s expectations (so I thought).
What do I want for myself? This is a very good question, admittedly struggling to answer. I want joy, security, and contentment. I love what I do and want to keep learning. I’m not sure if I’m into material things, per se, but love stuff like Lululemon and Starbucks coffee. My friend shared with me a podcast about TOXIC POSITIVITY. Sadly, the podcast resonated with me because I think I lived most of my life that way.
I’m not feeling sad for me and I’m not regretting the self-fulling prophecy of failure or underperformance I lived for many decades of my life. In fact, I am feeling more happier than every. I can experience joy. And, I can see some of my strengths. I am learning how to create boundaries and set goals that are wholehearted and joyful. I want that for me, my kid, and for those I am working with. It has to be sustainable.
My kid just turned 19. I’m thinking about joining lawn bowling. And, I’m charting the next few months to write because it’s something I want to do. I want to write the book about my mom and I want to write about my practice and educational programs that are transformative and contributes deeply to the student learning experience. I will continue to learn and do what makes me happy… to rest… and find joy where I am.