Like Layers of an Onion
Some may call it midlife… some may call it change… while others may call it CRAZY. Regardless of what it is called, turning 40 after 16 years of teaching at the same school and attempting to complete my dissertation in a timely manner… I have found that the writing process has been like layers of an onion... one layer after another, I am stripped, unraveled, and peeled towards my core being in search for clarity, meaning, and purpose.
Who would have thought I would be writing and enjoying it? Not me. I had always self-diagnosed myself as someone who could not read or write well. In fact, I would blame my parents for my troubles with the English language and claim my misfortune with reading and writing on being ESD (English as a Second Dialect). This is not say that my two older siblings had difficulties with English. They didn’t. They are both articulate and write well.
So, what is this all about? Did I study Chemistry and Math at university because I had difficulties with English? Possibly. Did I have great fears of entering the Faculty of Education when one of the requirements was to read a passage out loud to one of the professors? Maybe. Did I doubt my abilities of completing any graduate studies because I truly believed I could not read or write? Absolutely. But, here I am writing my dissertation.
All of my fears and uncertainties are called to question as I sit here contemplating whether or not if I can finish my doctorate degree by 2012. Why do I feel this way? It is obvious to me, on one hand, that I am worthy of doctoral studies when I have successfully completed the course work and the comprehensive exam. Yet, on the the other hand, I feel like I am an imposter… a fake. Check out my English 100 mark… grades don’t lie.
As you can see, grades define us. This is a CRAZY thought… but there is some truth embedded in that statement. I believed that I could not read or write well. I had grades that confirmed those beliefs. I made academic decisions based on those beliefs and I continue to self-doubt my abilities to write academically because “I am scared” of being “found out” that maybe “I can’t write.” As a result, I am paralyzed in this academic pursuit.
Formative feedback matters…
Assessment for Learning (AFL) is formative feedback. It allows the learner to know and understand why and what is going well and what and why other things need to be worked on. In return, the teacher learns what is going well for the learner and what needs to be worked on. Strangely, this is the premise of graduate studies… learning about one’s learning and learning from it. It’s kind of an endless circle like layers of an onion.
What I am learning is that I need to believe in myself and my academic abilities, teaching experience, and pedagogical expertise to proceed forward with my dissertation and “feel good” about it. There are NO GRADES in the dissertation process, yet I often feel that there is. I am plagued with the thoughts of “Am I doing this right?” Instead, what I should be asking to myself is “What have I learned?” and “What do I need to learn?”
Grading equals judgment… and in the end, judgment evokes fear. Learning happens in fear-free environments and formative feedback is just what it is… feedback.