Looking in the Mirror
Um. No thank you. Can you believe that this photo is almost 15 years old? I cannot. It’s totally crazy. Anyway, it’s almost back to school time for K-12 and I’m in the midst of deep reflection, planning, and reconsideration. September 1st was a trigger for me. I have a goal in front of me and it freaks the hell out of me. That’s reassuring, right? Looking at this photo reminds me of the academic terror I experienced during my masters degree. I loved my program. Don’t get me wrong. However, with all of my academic hang-ups and insecurities (and we all have them) and working full-time, I was not sure if I could do it. I almost dropped out. Instead, I stopped volunteering my time with yearbook.
Looking back, I remember that learning is not suppose to be easy. Why? You’re changing. You’re transforming. You’re creating. That takes work!!! Staying in the comfort zone, expect it to be easy. The difference now with my dissertation versus my comprehensive exam and course work is that it’s all on me. No one is there setting deadlines or doing the same thing at the same time. It’s all on me to set deadlines, do the work, and get it done (if it will ever get done). I have invested almost everything into this edu-journey and now it’s either completion time or pull the plug.
Sometimes I need to take a moment like this to remember the good times, the exceptional experiences, and awesome people I have met along the way. Had I not detoured 7 years ago, I would still be teaching secondary math… maybe some science… or possibly something else like Planning 10. Not sure. Would I have changed schools? Unlikely. I am 100% thankful for everything that I have experienced so far… the ups and downs… with every moment as a learning experience (if you want to see it that way). There is no question that I have struggled from time to time, but I’ve also been inspired, motivated, and enlightened as well. I love the work that I do. And, I have to believe that everything will work out in the end. If I don’t, who will?
I know that I’m on the right path. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. When it gets challenging, it’s frightening and it’s easy to look back and wonder what if? When really, I should be looking forward, picking myself up, and asking why not? I do miss the good times of the past. I often pine for some of those moments, but I can’t go back in time. I appreciate the present. I am freaked out about the future. I’m not going to lie. Who knows where my path is heading, but I’m optimistic. I am changing. I am transforming. I am learning. Right now, I need to follow through, embrace opportunities, and do my best. Seems to be working so far. Yup, I can do it!!!