Underestimated and Overestimated

Week 90 – December 4, 2021 – Catching Up, Slowing Down

Who would have thought? Three weeks… gone… just like that. Time is passing by so fast and I am not slowing  down to take the time to reflect. I am also not taking the time for me… to be a person… for self-care and mental wellness. COVID-19 is not going anywhere anytime soon. I committed to a weekly blog from the start of the pandemic and we are into Week 90 with a new variant, Omicron, on the horizon.

I feel overtired and overworked that I’ve lost all sight of what’s important (or at least, what’s important to me). I am doing everything and nothing is getting done. It’s frustrating and disheartening. As of Friday, I surrendered to what was. I could not sustain what I doing anymore. I had to say NO, concede, and rest. I was not my best self and did not sleep the night before. This way of being is not sustainable.

Here I am thinking that I can write 3-blog posts in one to catch up on what’s missed. It’s already tomorrow. I’ve been wanting and waiting to write and reflect, but set conditions on myself that holds me back from what I love to do. I’m not sure why I do that and honestly, it’s not serving me. I missed out on school visits and connecting with Teacher Candidates, but also enjoying what brings me joy and happiness.

Friday morning was a very low moment for me and I took the day to rest (with a few emails and phone calls). In the second half of the day, I experienced what made me happy… CONNECTION. I need to be connected to people again. The afternoon started with short visit from a former teacher candidate who was dropping off a poinsettia to me as part of a fundraiser. It felt so good to reconnect with her and catch up.

My friend and colleague is moving to Ontario at the end of the month. He got a new position at another university and I was invited to his farewell party hosted by his department. I felt so blessed to to have the opportunity to laugh and reconnect up with him and meet some of his friends and colleagues. I love this person. We can’t stop laughing. Such a good person. We shared appies and dinner. It was too much fun.

The day concluded with a Friday night curling game. What can I say? I LOVE CURLING. I am so happy to return to the sport and so happy that we won that game. 9-2. I felt that my “curling muscles” are coming back, slowly but surely, but I love playing with my team and the positive vibes we share with each other. Fist pumping, high fiving. I just love that. I’m so in the present and joyful connecting with others on the ice.

I need to feel connected again. I needed to feel happy and energized. I love people. I love learning. I’m also realizing that this blog will be SUPER LONG because I intended to write 3 short ones, but I am so grateful to be returning back to my reflective practice and blogging is integral to my practice. Do I need to reassess my goals and what’s important to me? ABSOLUTELY. I am so grateful for Friday night. Thank you.

Week 89 – November 27, 2021 – Unrealistic Expectations

This is a meta moment. I underestimated how much I wanted to write and the time required to catch up and overestimated my abilities and expectations to get things done. I just want to do EVERYTHING within the constraints I am given, but I am realizing time is a commodity I could use more of. And if I had the time, where do I want to spend it? I feel that I am brought the same question, “What’s really important to me?” I know that my students are important to me and ensuring their success.

I love being on the committees I’m a part of and I love innovating in practicum and the B.Ed. Program. What I am struggling with is the writing and research… and finding the time to do it. My contract is 80/20, but doing research is key for me to move forward in higher education. I’m not sure if this is possible. I have a few projects on the go, but many are not reaching to any closure and honestly, could be in jeopardy. I might be overdramatic, which may be true, but I just don’t know what to expect.

Finding my voice is key, but also finding the time and prioritizing it. I tried. I parked everything to get some writing done, which took way longer than expected. I learned a lot from the process, but in the end, there were several situations during practicum I needed to attend to. Responding to the urgency of the now is unpredictable and can be very time consuming. Although it’s time well spent, it’s also  at the expense of some of my priorities. Making concessions is disappointing, but seems inevitable.

I am left wondering, while feeling humbled and somewhat defeated. I can see that higher education requires a focus and determination that I am learning more about. I need to be more patient with myself and more kind. I need to be more intentional and strategic, such that I will schedule times to pause and rest too. This week has been an excellent learning experience and I see the value of getting a tenure-track position that has a 40-40-20 framework that values one’s time to do research.

Week 88 – November 20, 2021 – Learning Experientially

I am doing my best to have a career in academia with an 80/20 contract. My focus is teaching and service, but I need to engage in research if I have any aspirations to get a tenure-track position. That said, here I am taking the time to catch up on my blog posts (3-weeks later). Honestly, what’s really important to me? I love my kid. I love to curl. I love people. I love learning. What else? I love my reflective practice. I love connection. I love enacting change. I love wrestling with ideas. I love shopping???

I don’t know. What I do know is, learning is humbling and I am in 100% of how I respond to anything. I have people who want to support me, but I have to support myself. As much as I am learning more about what it means to be in higher education (transitioning SLOWLY from K-12), I am also learning more about myself. I think that’s the biggest challenge. As much as I want to connect with others, I need to (re)connect with myself. Gosh I love the writing process and how it can bring some clarity.

This is a good place to end on this 3-week blog catch up and take time to rest. 🙂