Reconnecting

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” – Brene Brown

I was scrolling through pictures of myself on Facebook to find a photo when I felt like my “best self.” Here is one picture (I think). Look how young my daughter is. She was four years old, I was teaching at the high school, and I was at my ideal weight. Love the colour pink, and still do.

Of course… at 40-years old… I created a disruption. My daughter was 7 years old, I quit teaching, and I was not at my ideal weight. Not to rehash the past, but I was misaligned. I was not well, mentally and physically. I loved my job and students, but something had to change. I broke free and embarked on my pedagogical journey.

Teaching is a vulnerable occupation. I was reminded of this when I had a special opportunity to teach at SFU for one class. I wrote about this learning experience in my last blog entry, Identity and Integrity. I realized that teaching was what I was meant to do. I love teaching and learning. My purpose is finding ways to improve student learning and student success. I have done this as a teacher, school trustee, curriculum developer, workshop facilitator, math tutor, and parent volunteer.

This week, I have turned a corner. I am waking up. I am not sure what happened or is happening. My daughter is 13-years old (her last day of Grade 7 is today!!!), I will be teaching at SFU in the fall, and I am at my heaviest weight. Something is so right… and something is so wrong. I am awakened. I am meant to teach. I am a role model for my daughter. I am disconnected with myself. Something has to change… again.

Brene Brown’s quote resonates with me. Numbing. I would not change the last five years of my life. I have met some incredible people, and I have many mentors. I experienced things I would not have experienced had I stayed in the classroom. I continue to work on my dissertation (hopefully ending soon), and I am learning a tonne about myself, my learning, and my research. I have much to be grateful for, and I am. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was not numbing my emotions.

I cannot hide anymore. I am protecting myself from the pain and I am unable to fully experience the joy in my life to maximize my potential. I have to let go of my false beliefs, my stories, and my fear of judgement. I am done with pretending, procrastinating, and preventing. It’s time to jump in and accept the consequences. This is about Identity and Integrity… The Courage to Teach… the courage to be me.